"No!' The shrill scream echoed through the entire house, bouncing off walls and ringing in my ears. "Nonononono!"
I watched the other boy in front of me yank his hair hard. I was too late to stop him from pulling out a small hank of the stuff. But then again, I hadn't been able to stop very much lately. And he tended to pull his hair a lot less then he banged his head on the wall, so I hadn't really been all that worried. I was now.
I knelt down next to him, pulling his hands away gently from his head, taking the hair out from between his fingers. I shook my head sadly as I caught sight of the blood oozing through the shiny strands. Slowly, I kissed the wounds where the blood flowed, tasting the salty liquid that I hated now.
I wish he doesn't have to see this when he comes out of his episodes, but he does. And that look I always see on his face when he looks in the mirror hurts me beyond words. Every time he looks, he's changed in some way. The first time was the worst. He cried. I didn't even know he knew how. But he did. He sobbed pitifully. We'd had to cut his hair. God knows we hadn't wanted to. Never would we have willingly cut Duo's hair. I don't think even I would have, no matter how many times I'd complained about its uselessness.
Trowa had done it. I wouldn't, I would've cried, too. Quatre had been crying. No one wanted to take this last thing from Duo. The one thing he had left. We should have shaved him bald. Then he wouldn't be able to pull what was left out. Not if there wasn't any left. But Quatre had begged that case, telling us to leave Duo with one last shred of dignity. And now that I've seen how Duo takes care of it when he's in a clear state of mind, I'm glad that we left it. Besides which, I don't think any of us would have the heart to do that to Duo.
We already know that Duo can be Duo sometimes. He can be his same old cheerful self, even if I think it's all forced on his part. But at least he can think for himself sometimes. When he's in one of his episodes, he can't remember who he is. Even worse, he can't remember us. He doesn't know that he's hurting himself. Its like he tries to get away from the emptiness in his head. He bangs his head on the wall, or tries to squeeze his head, or tries to rip out his hair. And when he returns to himself, he can't remember anything that he did. He says it's like a lapse in time for him. He always comes back afraid that he might have hurt one of us, especially me. The rest of us live with the fear that someday he might hurt his brain or he might do one last thing and fall unconscious and never wake up. I think, secretly, he does to.
I really don't know what kind of toll its taken on the other guys. I can't say. No one ever speaks about themselves pertaining to their own mental state. I do know the ordeal has given us all large amounts of patience, even Wufei. Duo was never easy to deal with, but he's worse now. One of us must always be with him at all times, even when he's asleep. I take my turn at night. I make sure he goes to sleep and I stay up all night watching him.Just watching him sleep.
When he's asleep, it's like there's nothing wrong with him. But I know better. I wish with all my heart that it wasn't so. But my wishes haven't come true. I don't think they ever will.
Duo prays. I don't know why. Maybe its his Catholic heritage has taken over in his time of need. That sort of thing. He told me he didn't believe in God. But I wonder. If he didn't believe, why would he pray? Once I even saw him crying as he prayed. When I asked him about the tears, he just smiled and said nothing.
I hate to see him in this state. The others do too. Quatre is trying to fix him, make Duo, Duo again. None of us have the heart to tell him otherwise. Trowa keeps him company. No one trusts Duo to pilot anymore or even go to school. Wufei hasn't made any comments on weakness. And when Duo had cried over the loss of his braid, Wufei had told him that it was okay and had given him a coiled rope. It was the American's braid, black ribbons tied at each end. Duo had been thankful to us for 'letting him keep his braid' as he had put it.
Sighing, I pulled Duo after me into the bathroom across from our room. I took out a wash rag and wet it. Duo was beside me, arms hugging himself as he swayed from side to side, humming to himself. His big violet eyes were staring at the mirror. The look in his eyes made me shiver. At least he wouldn't remember what he looked like right now. No one was home in his head and his eyes were flashing a vacancy sign. The total equation added up to complete madness.
I sucked in my breath as I looked at Duo in the cracked mirror, another casualty of Duo's insanity. He didn't recognize me at the moment. That blind child in my best friend's body was frightening. At any moment he could lash out and hurt me or himself with no thought to hold him back. Or he could come back to himself just as abruptly.
When I'd had enough of Duo's vacant gaze, I turned and held the rag to the newest of his wounds.
"Ow." I jerked back as Duo blinked back to life. He stared at me for a long time, it was almost an eternity. Then he spoke, in a soft, saddened voice, "What did I do this time? Pulled out some more hair from the feel of it. Maybe you should shave it all."
"No!" Duo jumped guiltily when I snapped. I resumed cleaning his bleeding scalp to hide my concern. "G-gomen, Duo." I whispered. "I don't want you to shave your hair off. You've lost enough of yourself as it is. No one wants to see you loose the last thing you have."
Duo's eyes were downcast as he answered me as softly as before, "I haven't lost everything. I still have you guys and I think that's worth more then my hair. You can't keep stopping me from ripping it out. Or stop me from banging my head on the wall. One of these days, I'll end up hurting myself where none of you could have stopped me. I don't want you to blame yourselves for that. I don't want you to carry that burden on your shoulders."
I stopped and looked down at him, "Duo? What are you saying?"
He gathered his strength and stood up straighter, "Even since the accident, you guys have been taking care of me. You've done a good job so far, if you ignore a few extra bumps every now and then. But one day, you won't be able to stop me from hurting myself and you'll blame yourselves. I don't want that. I want you guys to be able to live out the rest of your lives, however long or short that may be, without me getting in your way."
"Duo," I told him, "we aren't going to leave you by yourself." He wasn't making sense to me.
"Heero, I know you don't want me to tell you this, but I think you should put me in a mental hospital."
"No! Absolutely not!"
"Why not? You wouldn't really be leaving me behind. You could come visit me. I thought long and hard about it and decided that it was the best coarse of action."
"No Duo. I won't let you do this to yourself. I don't want you to be thought of as--"
"Insane? But Heero, I am. That's exactly what I am. I've already acknowledged that. I can't be anything but from now on."
I looked him hard in the eyes. He was right. I saw the truth of the matter. I realized what I'd been doing. I'd been denying the truth. As if I didn't acknowledge it, it wouldn't come true. I could feel my body tremble as the truth hit me. I started to sink to the floor as I felt the hot tears stinging my cheeks. Tears? I was crying. This scared me even more. I was finally realizing that we weren't so indestructible as I'd believed for so long. Even the toughest of us could be brought down.
Before I could fall completely, Duo caught me in a gentle, but firm hug. "I know, Heero. It hurts. But it's true. Very true." I felt him kiss my hair, just as sweetly as he always did.
"I-I know. I just didn't want to voice it aloud. What made you decide to do this, Duo?"
Duo hugged me tighter, "I was afraid I'd wake up, only to realize I'd killed one of my friends. I don't want to loose anyone close to me again." He kissed my hair again, this time he left his nose there. I could feel his soft breath on my scalp.
I knew what he was saying. I still couldn't believe I wouldn't be able to see this joking love of mine on an almost daily basis anymore. It hurt to know that. It hurt to know I was already looking forward to seeing him within the hospital with even the tiniest bit of relief. I cried for a long time while Duo held me. I cried for the friend I'd lost and the past we'd never really had and he future I had to look forward to without him. I cried for the others who knew Duo and had known Duo who could never really know him again. Duo might still be Duo on some occasions, but that was only sometimes and it was too far in-between to really build a lasting friendship on. Or the love I felt for him. One like the one I and the other pilots had already built with him. I could feel him slipping away from us as I cried. As he cried with me. But I knew it was the best for all of us, and I had to let him go.
Physically, if not mentally.
I watched the other boy in front of me yank his hair hard. I was too late to stop him from pulling out a small hank of the stuff. But then again, I hadn't been able to stop very much lately. And he tended to pull his hair a lot less then he banged his head on the wall, so I hadn't really been all that worried. I was now.
I knelt down next to him, pulling his hands away gently from his head, taking the hair out from between his fingers. I shook my head sadly as I caught sight of the blood oozing through the shiny strands. Slowly, I kissed the wounds where the blood flowed, tasting the salty liquid that I hated now.
I wish he doesn't have to see this when he comes out of his episodes, but he does. And that look I always see on his face when he looks in the mirror hurts me beyond words. Every time he looks, he's changed in some way. The first time was the worst. He cried. I didn't even know he knew how. But he did. He sobbed pitifully. We'd had to cut his hair. God knows we hadn't wanted to. Never would we have willingly cut Duo's hair. I don't think even I would have, no matter how many times I'd complained about its uselessness.
Trowa had done it. I wouldn't, I would've cried, too. Quatre had been crying. No one wanted to take this last thing from Duo. The one thing he had left. We should have shaved him bald. Then he wouldn't be able to pull what was left out. Not if there wasn't any left. But Quatre had begged that case, telling us to leave Duo with one last shred of dignity. And now that I've seen how Duo takes care of it when he's in a clear state of mind, I'm glad that we left it. Besides which, I don't think any of us would have the heart to do that to Duo.
We already know that Duo can be Duo sometimes. He can be his same old cheerful self, even if I think it's all forced on his part. But at least he can think for himself sometimes. When he's in one of his episodes, he can't remember who he is. Even worse, he can't remember us. He doesn't know that he's hurting himself. Its like he tries to get away from the emptiness in his head. He bangs his head on the wall, or tries to squeeze his head, or tries to rip out his hair. And when he returns to himself, he can't remember anything that he did. He says it's like a lapse in time for him. He always comes back afraid that he might have hurt one of us, especially me. The rest of us live with the fear that someday he might hurt his brain or he might do one last thing and fall unconscious and never wake up. I think, secretly, he does to.
I really don't know what kind of toll its taken on the other guys. I can't say. No one ever speaks about themselves pertaining to their own mental state. I do know the ordeal has given us all large amounts of patience, even Wufei. Duo was never easy to deal with, but he's worse now. One of us must always be with him at all times, even when he's asleep. I take my turn at night. I make sure he goes to sleep and I stay up all night watching him.Just watching him sleep.
When he's asleep, it's like there's nothing wrong with him. But I know better. I wish with all my heart that it wasn't so. But my wishes haven't come true. I don't think they ever will.
Duo prays. I don't know why. Maybe its his Catholic heritage has taken over in his time of need. That sort of thing. He told me he didn't believe in God. But I wonder. If he didn't believe, why would he pray? Once I even saw him crying as he prayed. When I asked him about the tears, he just smiled and said nothing.
I hate to see him in this state. The others do too. Quatre is trying to fix him, make Duo, Duo again. None of us have the heart to tell him otherwise. Trowa keeps him company. No one trusts Duo to pilot anymore or even go to school. Wufei hasn't made any comments on weakness. And when Duo had cried over the loss of his braid, Wufei had told him that it was okay and had given him a coiled rope. It was the American's braid, black ribbons tied at each end. Duo had been thankful to us for 'letting him keep his braid' as he had put it.
Sighing, I pulled Duo after me into the bathroom across from our room. I took out a wash rag and wet it. Duo was beside me, arms hugging himself as he swayed from side to side, humming to himself. His big violet eyes were staring at the mirror. The look in his eyes made me shiver. At least he wouldn't remember what he looked like right now. No one was home in his head and his eyes were flashing a vacancy sign. The total equation added up to complete madness.
I sucked in my breath as I looked at Duo in the cracked mirror, another casualty of Duo's insanity. He didn't recognize me at the moment. That blind child in my best friend's body was frightening. At any moment he could lash out and hurt me or himself with no thought to hold him back. Or he could come back to himself just as abruptly.
When I'd had enough of Duo's vacant gaze, I turned and held the rag to the newest of his wounds.
"Ow." I jerked back as Duo blinked back to life. He stared at me for a long time, it was almost an eternity. Then he spoke, in a soft, saddened voice, "What did I do this time? Pulled out some more hair from the feel of it. Maybe you should shave it all."
"No!" Duo jumped guiltily when I snapped. I resumed cleaning his bleeding scalp to hide my concern. "G-gomen, Duo." I whispered. "I don't want you to shave your hair off. You've lost enough of yourself as it is. No one wants to see you loose the last thing you have."
Duo's eyes were downcast as he answered me as softly as before, "I haven't lost everything. I still have you guys and I think that's worth more then my hair. You can't keep stopping me from ripping it out. Or stop me from banging my head on the wall. One of these days, I'll end up hurting myself where none of you could have stopped me. I don't want you to blame yourselves for that. I don't want you to carry that burden on your shoulders."
I stopped and looked down at him, "Duo? What are you saying?"
He gathered his strength and stood up straighter, "Even since the accident, you guys have been taking care of me. You've done a good job so far, if you ignore a few extra bumps every now and then. But one day, you won't be able to stop me from hurting myself and you'll blame yourselves. I don't want that. I want you guys to be able to live out the rest of your lives, however long or short that may be, without me getting in your way."
"Duo," I told him, "we aren't going to leave you by yourself." He wasn't making sense to me.
"Heero, I know you don't want me to tell you this, but I think you should put me in a mental hospital."
"No! Absolutely not!"
"Why not? You wouldn't really be leaving me behind. You could come visit me. I thought long and hard about it and decided that it was the best coarse of action."
"No Duo. I won't let you do this to yourself. I don't want you to be thought of as--"
"Insane? But Heero, I am. That's exactly what I am. I've already acknowledged that. I can't be anything but from now on."
I looked him hard in the eyes. He was right. I saw the truth of the matter. I realized what I'd been doing. I'd been denying the truth. As if I didn't acknowledge it, it wouldn't come true. I could feel my body tremble as the truth hit me. I started to sink to the floor as I felt the hot tears stinging my cheeks. Tears? I was crying. This scared me even more. I was finally realizing that we weren't so indestructible as I'd believed for so long. Even the toughest of us could be brought down.
Before I could fall completely, Duo caught me in a gentle, but firm hug. "I know, Heero. It hurts. But it's true. Very true." I felt him kiss my hair, just as sweetly as he always did.
"I-I know. I just didn't want to voice it aloud. What made you decide to do this, Duo?"
Duo hugged me tighter, "I was afraid I'd wake up, only to realize I'd killed one of my friends. I don't want to loose anyone close to me again." He kissed my hair again, this time he left his nose there. I could feel his soft breath on my scalp.
I knew what he was saying. I still couldn't believe I wouldn't be able to see this joking love of mine on an almost daily basis anymore. It hurt to know that. It hurt to know I was already looking forward to seeing him within the hospital with even the tiniest bit of relief. I cried for a long time while Duo held me. I cried for the friend I'd lost and the past we'd never really had and he future I had to look forward to without him. I cried for the others who knew Duo and had known Duo who could never really know him again. Duo might still be Duo on some occasions, but that was only sometimes and it was too far in-between to really build a lasting friendship on. Or the love I felt for him. One like the one I and the other pilots had already built with him. I could feel him slipping away from us as I cried. As he cried with me. But I knew it was the best for all of us, and I had to let him go.
Physically, if not mentally.