365 Letters to a rower and a rider.
Letter one
Dear Spencer,
I don't know where to begin other than to say I am sorry and I miss you. You know you mean everything to me and I was stupid. I should have never pushed you away I should have never tried to force you to spend more time with Glen and Mr.C. I should have spent more time with you and texted you more. I should have done a lot of things.
Its been a week now since we broke up on the drive back from my father's beach house. Friday I spent the morning pushing you away and you stopped talking to me because you were sick of fighting. I thought we had made up and talked it out when you just stopped talking to me to give me a taste of my own medicine, which I rightfully deserved. It killed me to know you weren't talking to me it made me realize how much it must have hurt for you. God why must I be such a drama queen sometimes Spence I never realized it had hurt you this much part of me thought it would make you miss me more and want to spend more time with me but It did just the opposite. I can't explain why sometimes I get depressed and I do that I just want you to miss me so I feel more loved so I push you away to get you to try and pull me closer to you. Now it seems so foolish. I wish I could go back and ask you to dive up that Friday and spend the weekend with me. Or I should have come back early and spent it with you but instead I told you to spend it with Glen and when the time came that I finely made that choice youd already made plans with him and plans to end it with me.
Spencer I don't know what I can do to make it better. All I can do are write these letters to you. Hopefully one day I can give them to you and we can go back and I can show you that ive changed. That I would do and give anything to make this relationship work again.
Love,
Ashley Davis
Letter two
Hey spence,
What I wouldn't give to kiss you one last time. Or to smell your scent one last time. Ive been sleeping with an old shirt of yours but your smell is starting to fade away. You always asked me what you smelled like and I could never describe it. You smelled sweet missed with the smell of horses. It was always so comforting to me. Maybe the shirt I have doesn't really smell like you. Maybe its because I just saw you for the last time and your smell was one of the things im trying to hold so strongly on to. We met at our normal café down by the beach. I just had to see you one last time. I felt like I had to try and get you back but your still so angry at me no matter what I did or offered it didn't matter. I am just going to have to show you that I really am going to go to therapy and not skip it I really am going to do everything I can to show you I still am your missing puzzle piece. I wrote you a card that I got from hallmark, which by the way they make a card for everything…..seriously everything. I spent a good three hours working on it for you making sure I had every though and feeling so I would have nothing left that would go unsaid if I wasn't able to say it myself. I was afraid that I was going to break down and lose my cool. It hurt so bad to see you go. To watch you walk away, but I always did say you have to most amazing ass. You would tell me I need to thank horseback riding for that. I'll never forget how every part of you fit perfectly in my hands and in my mouth. How sweet you tasted when I would go down on you. I would give anything to go back to it all, to not have to say goodbye. I hope you keep the card I wrote you and I hope you read it every now and then. I want you to think of me and know im working on myself so I can make myself better for you, for us.
Love you baby,
Ashley
Letter three
I went to a gay youth group spence hoping I could make some new friends and maybe get some advice. They start off by going around the room saying there name, age, pgp, and interest. When it got to me I burst into tears and was barely able to talk I apologized for the hysterical crying and just spilled everything. I don't like to cry in front of strangers but the pain is so unbearable. It felt good to talk it out and it felt good to be surrounded by people who are like me. They all acted as if we'd been close friends forever and comforted me. They told me it was a great chance for me to try new things and do all the stuff I couldn't do because I was in a relationship and my time was devoted there. I haven't been eating or sleeping but that night was the first night I got just a tad of sleep. I think about you every night and I still have your shirt with me. Things are hardest at night without you not having you there to cuddle and falling asleep to the sound of your heart beat. I also get up early now im not sure why but it doesn't bother me anymore. Here I thought I could never be a morning person especially without my coffee but it turns out I can.
Miss you,
Ashley
Letter four
Hey spence
So Aiden and I went to Disney today. Since you both work there now and you and I always used to go I had to go again after we broke up because if I didn't and I waited to try and form new memory's there I don't think I could ever separate you from Disney. When we got there we caught a show at the castle and for some reason it made me cry. We never stopped to watch the shows but still watching it just brought everything about you and Disney to the surface, the sadness of you not being there. Aiden and I went to the haunted mansion first. I was telling him how we made out and how we would fool around when the ride would break down and we were in the dark. They built a new que line that is interactive it was very cool. Then we went and road pirates which was fun. I was telling him how it was your favorite ride and we never left the park without riding it, even if it was the only ride we did all day. Aiden believe it or not only felt comfortable doing the kiddie rides. We also road it's a small world and peter pan. Then we went and got pineapple ice cream. We went to another park and road the big golf ball. I told Aiden how we had done it in there a couple of times. It was hard not getting horny on that ride since we had always had a lot of fun times on it. We went and saw nemo and got new socks and couldn't find the gummies that you and I would always buy. It actually caused me to freak out we finely found them in the bulk candy and bought a pound but they did sell them prepackaged anymore. We had lunch at the Mexican stand that you always said wed tried next time. I wanted to go to the fish place but Aiden wanted to try the Mexican place. They had the best nachos in the world. Today was the first time ive had anything to eat since we broke up. It was the first day I didn't spend crying. We didn't stay for the fireworks but we are going back next weekend with a group of friends. I even put in an application to work here. I hope you wish me luck on getting the job. I know you hated that I didn't work I didn't need to because after dads death I had all the money I could ever need. I never wanted to work until I lost you and now I cant think of a better place then here. I heard a Taylor swift song the story of us, I hope well end up happily ever after like all the princess.
Your always be my princes,
ashley
Letter five
Dear spencer,
I think one of the hardest parts is realizing that you don't care about me anymore. Its hard trying to even imagine letting go of you I cant even fathom not loving you. But you said you weren't in love with me. You had been over our relationship for months and the only thing you were guilty of is maybe leading me on. You wanted to find an easy way of breaking up with me but that my last bought of depression and pushing you away you just didn't care anymore. Its hard not to start feeling angry myself. I want to blame myself for everything I want to blame myself for every fight. Its like you made it hard to remember that there were issues that you had to. You always liked to cancel on our plans and you're the one who started the whole push away thing when you constantly complained about how your family missed you and you made me feel bad about spending time with you. You want me to feel like everything is my fault but it wasn't. its hard for to think that way. Because I lost the best thing I ever had and the way my brain is set up makes me want to blame myself for everything. I blame myself for every bad thing that happens to me. Im harder on myself than anyone could ever be. I wont lie its hard to see you going out with all your new friends you met at your new college. Partying and having fun like you don't even miss me. You don't even think about me anymore do you? Was I just dead wait to you spencer I know you said you stopped loving me but you act like the friendship we had before all this was nothing as well. I get upset and anger at the fact that you've just picked upped like nothing ever happened. LIKE I NEVER HAPPENED! You don't hurt! Why don't you hurt! Did all of this mean that little did I mean nothing! What we shared that was just nothing! But I cant be angry at you, as much as I want to its easier to just blame myself and hate myself. There's nothing I can do but watch you be happy and party your life up making new friends dating other people never once stopping to think about what we had and what we meant to each other. But maybe one day ill win you back if I try hard enough maybe I can get you back into my arms.
Wishing I could hole you tonight
Ashley