Drowning ….. falling and you keep on falling. You don't know when you are going to stop when you are going to see the end of the dark pit.
The dark pit that's your life.
You sit in the corner rocking back and forth craving, just craving … all those things that you can't afford to crave. Not anymore.
No one spares you a second glance, not even your own reflection.
The perfectly tanned skin now marred, ruined with scars.
These weren't ordinary scars. They were memories. They were physical representation of you trying to cope.
They were events etched onto your skin.
On certain days you'd realize- maybe you should just give forget everything.
Just give the fuck up.
He wouldn't want you to live like this.
He loved you … at least that was what he said but you are not sure anymore.
Lately you aren't sure of anything at all.
You don't know what the fuck's happening to u.
You get this through your head and you crave you crave again and again.
You crave the bliss of the sting, the alcohol, the drugs numbing your sensations.
Stop you from feeling.
You just don't know anymore.
Other days you feel way too much. Whether it's the sharp hiss that leaves your mouth when the razor touches your soft skin or whether it the memories…
You just don't know. Not anymore.
You can't figure out anything lately.
You dreamt of him again today.
Your best- friend left you.
Your twin,
Your other half,
Your life, your love,
Just left you.
You guys were supposed to be together. No matter whom you dated or married or slept with. He promised….
He promised he'd be there.
You just don't know anymore.
All that was left were memories and scars.
You think like this and you want to forget.
You want to forget the sound of the shots and shouting and falling limbs.
Its day like this that you know you are drowning.
But you aren't dying.
And you crave you just keep on craving.
But you never get enough.
So you do the only thing you can. The only thing you can have.
You slice, you slash.
Then you hiss.
Then you cry.
They are trying you know, your parents.
They are trying but nothing they do is ever enough.
You feel like a misfit in your own home.
You just don't know anymore.
It's been a year.
A year since a part of you died.
A year since you talked to Simon.
A year since you met someone. Anyone.
A year of drugs.
A year of self abuse.
You want it to stop.
You want to forget but you can't.
That won't be fair to him.
You promised. You'd always remember him no matter what.
You feel like you are falling…. Again falling… and falling.
Dying.
That's what you are.
Slipping in and out.
Hanging in between death and life.
You are going.
But you can't feel sad.
You don't feel sad.
Because you know you are going to meet him.
You know he'll still love you.
You know you kept your promise.
You know you haven't forgotten him.
And the last thing that leaves your lips, is his name a strangled hoarse whisper,
"Jonathon".
THIS IS MY FIRST EVER FANFICTION. DON'T BE TOO MEAN. r&r