I had been over the moon when I'd finally gotten over my fears and asked Kiku out on our first date. I had been ecstatic to find an engagement ring on my finger and my handsome fiance in front of me beneath the sakura tree that he cared for in his yard. I had been awestruck when we finally tied the knot before my mother and father and Yao, in a gorgeous kimono, standing beside my now husband. However, I was not as excited about what I was to face. It seemed like all of the boxes had been checked off but two. We'd dated. He'd proposed to me under our favorite tree. We'd been married, which felt most intimate with how Kiku insisted on doing it: the traditional way with a Shinto shrine and priest.
However, we'd never had sex before, which was baffling enough as it was. Kiku and I had already had our honeymoon and it consisted mostly of sightseeing, bathing in hot springs, and awkwardly dancing around the subject of sex. Nearly two months after our honeymoon, another box was trembling and begging to be checked off.
I couldn't help but to fill my free time with fantasies of my husband gently guiding our son's hands from his carefully curated bonsai trees, promising treats if he would behave; or fantasies of our daughter patting at still burning hot mochi dough and Kiku caressing her hands and kissing at them until her tears stopped. I knew that he would be a great father, and I even sometimes caught myself imagining a family that he used to have.
I knew he was centuries old and the personification of Japan. I knew that his hesitance about beginning a relationship with me was partially dependent on that fact. I was sure that he'd had families before, other than Yao and the other Asian nations, and been forced to watch them grow old while he stayed the same.
There wasn't anything different about me. I was a normal human and there was nothing to change that, but there was also nothing to change the fact that Kiku had let me into his heart and wouldn't hesitate to fulfill my needs. Which, of course, only made me feel more guilty to approach him about starting a family. I knew he'd say "yes" and that was the problem. I'd be just another wife to grow old and die and so would our child until eventually, the generations would become so muddied that it would be too embarrassing and difficult to meet all of his great-great-great-great grandchildren and explain why he wasn't old. I knew there were other grandchildren of his walking around every day and he'd never be able to find them.
The fantasies made my stomach turn, knowing just how much pain and suffering I'd cause with one selfish request. The issue was far larger than myself and there was nothing to be done. The more I thought about it, the more painful it became to even think about being married to Kiku.
So one ordinary day, I returned home after an on-site meeting, to find my husband already at our kotatsu, ready with a warm meal, and there was nothing that I could do to stop the burning tears that poured from a well I didn't know was flooding. I couldn't even squirm my knees under the warm fleece as my joints all seemed to lock with fear.
"What's wrong?" Kiku gasped, quickly unfolding himself to come to my side. He still didn't offer a comforting touch, but the proximity was an effort, and his hands waited in the air. He could hold me if I didn't recover on my own. "D-did something happen?"
I could only shake my head in reply, covering my face. I couldn't even see Kiku's horrified face as he quickly ran out of things to do and say. Finally, his fingers met my wrists, holding them loosely.
"Have I done something wrong?" he asked. I shook my head. Horror arose again in his eyes before he steeled and wrapped his arms around me. His whole body was stiff as if he needed to think about every part of his body and how it touched me in order to keep control. I pressed my face into his chest and could hardly notice how wet it became with my tears. It was now or never so I muttered out my plea against him, hoping that he wouldn't hear and that he would drop it.
It was ridiculous to hope for that because Kiku immediately requested for me to repeat myself. Fear and dread could have almost made me faint right then, but somehow I pulled it together long enough to ramble out my words.
"I want a baby." There was barely any space between my words and it took Kiku a moment to parse out what I'd said. Even then, he still looked confused and horrified. Had I truly said that? Had he misheard?
"C-can you say it in Japanese? I-I'm afraid that my English is not-"
"子供がいたい (Kodomo ga itai)," I whispered faintly, my voice shaking as I tried to say the words correctly. I was only half sure that I'd said it right and that made it feel so much worse. To my surprise, however, Kiku didn't pull away. It was almost as if he feared that he wouldn't be able to hold me again if he did, so he remained there with me in his arms while he attempted to find an answer.
"I-Is that truly something you want?" Kiku asked after a long time to which I could only nod. "When?" What an impossible question to ask! I could understand what he was asking. After all, we'd been married for two months and dating for six years. That expanse of time made for a large hurdle to jump. So many years could all lead to the two of us being disappointed with each other in bed.
"N-now," I said which made Kiku jump slightly. I was crying; how could I want to do it now?
"Are you sure? I do not want to make you any more upset." So typical of him to avoid his problems by turning it around to me. I cut him off with a reasonably soggy kiss, holding his cheeks so that he couldn't move back until I released him, which wasn't very long after.
"W-we'll keep avoiding it forever unless we do," I said, pulling back from him and lacing our fingers together. He gave a slow nod and guided me back toward our bedroom. We'd slept in the same bed for two years, but there were two depressions marking just how far apart we slept. I knew this was going to be awkward, but this was my first time and both of our first times together. I was willing to let the exchange be awkward if it meant having Kiku's child. our child. Both of us.
"D-do not be afraid to stop me if you do not like it," Kiku warned as he guided me onto my back, laying me in his divot on the bed. I gave a slight nod, working to stop my tears while his hands carefully surveyed my body. This was not a time for experimentation and risk. The emotions were so tumultuous that it made me sick even to think about some of my more tame fantasies. I was sure to become overwhelmed and cry again, but this moment was special and so sensitive. There were almost a decade's worth of pent up emotion bottled in this one act and surely that made it richer. There was no way to replicate this sort of emotion.
Kiku massaged my breasts gently through my dress shirt, kissing all over my cheek while working to unbutton my blouse. My shaking fingers worked on his shirt buttons, which would normally render my husband blushing and squirming away from me to get his bearings, but he held it together, knowing just how embarrassed I was as well. He had promised to take care of me when we were married and the both of us seemed to so need this, so he would forsake his boundaries for one night to please me and make a child with me. There were no plans. Planning was stalling and if either of us stalled…
I let off a small moan when I felt his lips gingerly kissing the tops of my breasts while his hands migrated toward my pants. He felt my thighs through the fabric before starting to fiddle with the button. His hot breath spilled over my moist skin, his hair nearly sticking to me as well while he focused. Soon, he popped open the button, unzipped the fly, and slid my legs out from my pant legs. I felt so helpless with him doing it all, but I could still barely see through my waterline of tears that I was trying to hold back. Kiku saw my tears forming and he paused his mission of undoing his pants, catching my eyes and holding them. He needed to know that I was alright.
"N-no, please, don't stop," I begged, before he could even ask. "I-I'm fine. It's just really h-hot." I struggled to find a better word to describe my feelings, but my husband seemed to understand well enough.
"J-just tell me if you need me to stop," Kiku insisted, finally getting rid of his underwear and my own. I couldn't even look to see his reaction or to see his revealed body. I let my fingers roam his chest and shoulders, mapping him out while my core was soon met by his manhood. When he slowly pressed in, I hissed out, furrowing my brows to the somewhat dry contact. I didn't care, however. I understood that it wasn't going to be very comfortable with how slow we were to get out of the starting gate. However, when I started imagining my imminent pregnancy, it all started to fall together.
We had jumped the hurdle. He was inside me now. He knew me more intimately than anyone ever had and I was inviting someone else to get to know me even better. It was enough to give me goosebumps and send those tears loose.
"K-Kiku," I whimpered, letting my lips tug into a small smile. He paused, confused by my reaction. Was I in pain? Was this a good reaction?
"何 (Nani)?" he asked, sending his thumb over my cheek gently. I only smiled more in reply.
"I-I love you," I whispered, rolling my hips slightly and glancing up to see his face contort slightly, his eyes losing a bit of focus. It was a look that made my head spin.
"愛してる (Aishiteru)." I knew the gravity of that word. He'd always told me the softer variants like "大好き (daisuki)" or "好きだよ (suki dayo)" but I'd heard it in old movies where a wife cried it to her dying husband. I knew that it was so much deeper than any English "I love you."
Every instinct told me to cover my face as I felt the tears flow heavier, hotter, but I resisted and pressed my forehead up to Kiku's, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and clinging to him.
"P-please," I begged, rolling my hips subtly again and this time he got the hint. The dryness made me wince again, but he did his best not to make it too uncomfortable with his small thrusts, and gradually my whole body worked itself into his spell. His movements evolved until both of my eyes were growing so hazy that we weren't even embarrassed to stare at each other while listening to all of the wet sounds our bodies made.
I wrapped my legs around his hips, pulling him closer until I began gasping and mewling and he knew exactly where I'd led him. His arms shook, so he collapsed onto his elbows, pressing his lips into my neck so as to not waste the opportunity. My toes curled and I made a throaty squeal that I'd never heard myself make before, but it only made my husband smile against my neck and devolve into struggled kissing and hot breath.
My mind begged me to tell him that I was close, but words would break the feeling in the air, so I didn't dare. I didn't need to be a psychic to tell that he was close either, especially since every time he would slow down, I could feel his pulse… Or was that mine? It didn't matter, because all signs pointed to the two of us being at the breaking point. My fingers clutched the shorter undercut of his hair as he wound back and pressed hard and deeply into me a few times.
When he finally snapped, I expected it to feel hot like my cheeks and ears did, but it just felt lukewarm. One last roll of my hips was all I needed to set my body convulsing and I held still, trying to keep the feeling for a little longer whenever it let up. Kiku slowly brought his face from my neck to look at me with my hazy eyes, hair worse than bedhead, forehead beaded with sweat, and cheeks all red. my fingers tightened on his hair, begging him to stay inside while a mouse volume whimper left his throat.
"I-I hope that works," he whispered, slowly collapsing, shifting his weight away from me as best as he could.
"Would you be disappointed if it didn't? We could do this again," I dared to say, earning a flustered laugh from my modest husband.
"I might be a little disappointed, but I had forgotten what it felt like. ごめんなさい (Gomennasai). I shouldn't have made you wait so long." Predictable. I knew he'd apologize, but there was no other way to deal with it than to just accept his apology. He'd apologize for anything, but this was forgivable, as long as he didn't put it off again.
After a while, the feeling of sweat and semen started to feel less glorious, so I parted, half-heartedly pulling the sheet over our bodies as we cooled down. Exhaustion finally pulled me from my daydreams and into an unfortunately dreamless sleep.
Thankfully, on most days I worked from home, so it didn't matter that I was tired and unkempt, but my poor husband was forced to rise early, shower, and trudge through a sore day after my night. I'd pulled myself out of bed after his alarm woke us both and I fixed breakfast while Kiku tried desperately to take a short shower. With the way he enjoyed his baths, it was always a war to take a timely shower in the morning if he had to, so I knew to make a breakfast that he could take with him. Normally, I'd lay back in bed, but when Kiku finished his shower and dressed, I was folded up by the open shoji, looking out onto his yard as mist shrouded the borders. The air hung heavy and so did the words that I uttered before he could properly comment on the out of character manner of my morning.
"I think I understand why you chose to have children and families when very few of the other Countries did." Clearly, this was too heavy for the morning, but Kiku took a break from tying his tie to fold up beside me. His attention belonged to me. "I remember you telling me about the lullaby where the girl is so poor and hungry that she dies on the roadside and she thinks about her little sister and the cicadas and the flowers that will grow when she dies."
"五木の子守唄 (Itsuki no komoriuta)?" he asked softly and I shrugged.
"You'd know better than I do. Still, it made me very sad when I heard it and you explained it, but I didn't understand how it could be a lullaby when it was so sad. But that's just it, isn't it? It's sad, but that doesn't mean it should make us sad. Her dying thoughts were her sister and cicadas and flowers and those are all nice things. She became something different and still lovely, even though it made her sister sad, but that's how life goes. Nothing stays forever and it's appreciating the little things and enjoying the impermanence that makes you choose to endure the sadness of losing your family over and over. We're worth it just to experience it in this glimpse of your life."
The words fell out of my mouth without much planning, and I could see a reverent smile form on my husband's lips when I finished. He leaned his arm gently against my own and sighed, matching my gaze out into the yard.
"That feeling is called 物の哀れ (mono no aware)," he said, humming low in his chest. "It is the pain of losing a loved one yet appreciating all of the happiness you have shared. It is the deep feeling you get when you look at a tree and realize that it has lived thousands of years longer than you and that you are an infant in the world. It is the feeling that I get when I look at you and it is why we are still here. You are a pain that I would not want to live without."
Thankfully, I'd used up the last of my tears last night and couldn't do anything more than scrunch up my face and press it into his chest. He'd never been so comfortable with my touch. He didn't flinch or stiffen or pull away. He was enjoying this impermanence, even if it made him late to work.
"Please hurry! The kotatsu can only keep me so warm!" I whined, cold wind and snow swirling in from the outside as Kiku impatiently waited on Pochi to come back inside.
"Pochi! Please hurry!" He knew it wouldn't make the dog pee any faster, but he couldn't help it. He wanted to get out of the cold just as much as anyone else. Finally, Pochi patted in and Kiku was able to close the shoji with a grateful sigh. He shuffled to the other side of the kotatsu and folded himself under. We both clapped our hands, gave thanks for the food, and then picked up my chopsticks. However, Kiku paused long enough that it distracted me from my own gorging.
"What is it?" I asked after swallowing and his face turned scarlet in embarrassment. As soon as his eyes shifted, it became clear that he'd been staring at my very pregnant belly. I had been due for several days, but I was calm- sure that the two of us would be able to handle it when it came. The baby just wasn't quite ready. "She's fine, Kiku. I think she's trying to stay out of this cold too." A smile spread over his face at the joke.
"I cannot help but worry. Gomen. I have never seen a baby who takes this long," he admitted. Certainly there had to be longer pregnancies than this, but not that he'd seen. "It is probably a good idea to eat while you can, just in case."
"I'm sure that I'd know, but you can't skip the food either. You're so distracted. If you don't eat, you could be the one too weak to manage," I teased, doing nothing to take the color from his face.
"You know, this would be a lot more glamorous if my back didn't hurt so badly." The words came out of my mouth without a thought. Kiku immediately got up and rounded the kotatsu, sitting behind me and gently pressing his thumbs into the small of my back. "Ah!" I moaned as the pain lifted a bit. Now he certainly was too distracted to eat, but I couldn't give up a massage.
Gradually, his thumbs pressed harder into my aching muscles, paying attention to all of the tension and working it out dutifully. Just when I thought that it was truly gone, the pain returned and made me wince and hold my breath. Kiku immediately pulled back, apologizing profusely for hurting me.
"Gomennasai, gomennasi," he repeated as I gathered my breath back.
"It's alright, Kiku. I… I think that we should go back to eating," I said. The return of the pain was concerning, but if I voiced my worries, he'd never eat. "I've distracted you enough."
With reluctance, he obeyed and returned to his food. The two of us ate in relative silence, with only the howling wind outside and my chewing and small talk filling the air. It took almost all of my focus to keep from making faces as the pain returned again and again. Soon, it became a little too much for me to finish my food and I needed to admit defeat.
"Kiku? Will you come lay down with me and hold me for a little while? I-I…" The words stopped in my throat, cut off by another wave. My distress was too obvious now for Kiku to miss, and he laid down his chopsticks, brows furrowed and muscles beginning to tense in anticipation.
"She is coming now, isn't she?" he asked. Relief washed over me as I nodded my head and felt his hands guide me to my feet and lead me to the bedroom. As soon as I laid down, Kiku began to gather towels and everything else that we would need. After much discussion, we had decided that I'd have our daughter at home, and that I wanted to try to do it on my own. It was a risky idea, but Kiku had helped with this several times before, and we already knew that our baby was perfectly healthy, so there should be little worry. Besides, it made me feel even more special for me to share this moment only with my husband, despite the risk. It belonged to us.
Hours upon hours passed where I begged Kiku to hold me and then I begged for him to stop touching me and then begged for him to whisper to me and then begged for him to shut up. He obeyed my orders dutifully, checking on my progress whenever I offered a new comment about the pain. The sun had completely set and the night was deep before I started sobbing and grabbing my hair and clawing at the bed and that was when we both came to realize that the end was nearing.
Some women in labor swore or cursed their spouses or cursed the father of their child, but I did something perhaps scarier. I kept sobbing out "help" as the pain grew worse and I could feel all the pressure aiming down my hips. It drained the color from my poor husband at first, but he calmed down a little when he realized that everything was going normally. I unfortunately discovered that a drawback to our choice to have our daughter at home with just Kiku was that I had no hand to hold so I just clung to the top of the mattress for dear life.
"頑張って (Ganbatte)," I could hear him encouraging as I lost track of what was actually happening. It was as if I had left my body for a moment and closed my eyes. The pain came to such a fever pitch that I stopped truly feeling it except that I knew I was suffering. I heard my husband coaching me and I saw him whenever my eyes weren't squeezed shut. I could feel myself push and feel the hot tears pouring out of my eyes. It was at the same time insurmountably painful, and numb, like ice so cold that it burns.
And then it was over and I heard hissing and I felt lightheaded and drunk for half a moment until I saw Kiku with our bloody daughter in the nest of his arms, trying to clean her. Her screams bit through my stupor with such clarity that it was all that kept me grounded as my body tingled in pain. I must have passed out for a moment because her cord was already cut and neatly tied off.
The moment that my husband and I made eye contact, he smiled such a sweet smile and rounded the bed to my side so that I could hold her and he could hold me. I never wanted to let go of our daughter for anything. Not even Kiku. The feeling was addicting and if that was anything like what Kiku felt for me and our new daughter, I would certainly understand why he would keep coming back for more.