Saving Severus

Chapter One: Fifteen Going on Thirty

Lily Evans shot upright in bed, heart pounding. Her nightdress was soaked with sweat, her breath coming in ragged gasps. So real...it had all seemed so real.

Something shifted against her chest, something heavier than the thin cotton nightclothes she wore. Lily lifted a hand. A thin chain hung around her throat. She followed it down to a ring, hanging from the end. Something tightened in her stomach. With a jolt, she shoved her feet free of her blankets and into her slippers, then staggered towards the washroom of her Prefect rooms.

She shot a Lumos for the lights with absent-minded precision, then stumbled over to the mirror, gathering her long red hair in a clumsy tail as she did so.

The face in the mirror was that of a girl of fifteen, fresh-faced with a hint of freckles across her nose and cheeks. But her eyes...her eyes were older. And at her throat dangled a ring.

She knew what it looked like, even as she lifted it with a trembling hand to the light. Silver, with a small emerald stone in the very center, surrounded by a Celtic eternity knot. An emerald stone that flashed with glowing fire at it's center, like the heart of a star captured in stone. A magical talisman, given to remind her of her resolve and aid her in her task.

Lily sagged against the sink. It was real, it was all real. Everything from the horrible nightmare that had woken her...it wasn't a dream, but a memory.

A memory of a time yet to come. A time where she had finished Hogwarts as Head Girl, then grown up. Where she had married – actually married – James Potter. Where she had borne a son, a son with his black hair and her green eyes.

A future where she had been targeted by Voldemort, the Dark Lord, for the sake of a prophecy. Where she and James had been betrayed by Peter Pettigrew and killed, Sirius Black had been wrongfully sentenced to Azkaban, and her son had been left with the sister who had all but disowned her over magic.

A future where her son had been the target of the Dark Lord from infancy on, hunted every time he set foot in the magical world, alternately hailed as a Savior and persecuted as a liar and a coward.

A future where all her closest friends had died or been left crippled. Where her son had died. He had only been seventeen.

Lily wobbled, then managed to drag herself back to her bed. She collapsed into it to curl in a tight ball, painful tears pooling from her eyes and dripping down her face.

Her son. He had only been seventeen. And he had suffered so much.

And she...she had never fully grown up. Never even passed her twenty-sixth birthday. She'd never had time to do much of anything with her life. None of them had. Oh, they'd joined Dumbledore in the fight, and James had been an Auror, but there was so much none of them had accomplished. So many dreams unrealized.

She sobbed and sobbed until she had no more tears left and her eyes were sore and puffy. It was only then, lying in a half-exhausted but calmer state, that she began to think.

She couldn't let it happen. She couldn't. That had been her last decision before awakening in her bed in the here and now. She couldn't let that future come to pass.

And she could stop it. As little as she'd done in that other timeline, she had the power to change the future, to prevent all that had happened. She even knew how.

Severus. Her thoughts went to the dark-haired boy she'd known since she was eight, then to the dark-haired man from her fragmented memories. The Severus of that future was a bitter, lonely man, twisted and angry and hurting. From what she could recall, his life and his death had been cruel.

It was all too easy to see the adult Severus of that future in the boy who'd called her 'Mudblood' yesterday. But if she wanted to change the future, she would have to change that.

The entities, higher powers or whatever they were, that had sent her back had been very clear. Severus was the lynchpin on which the future turned. And she...she was the lynchpin upon which Severus turned.

He loved her. She had wondered throughout the years, ever since she'd first entered adolescence, if Severus might like her. He was certainly jealous enough of James, and the way Potter continually sought her attention. But he had never said that he fancied her.

Her older memories, the memories of the woman she might have been, brought fresh perspective to the situation. Her older mind could easily discern the signs that Severus had liked her, perhaps even loved her, for years. Whether it was romantic love or something else, she had no way of knowing. But he cared for her deeply.

His future self, the man he might have been, had loved her forever. His Patronus had been a doe, like hers. He had been a spy for her, fought to preserve her memory and her son, loved her to his dying breath.

She could use that to change the future for all of them.

She felt instantly ashamed at the thought. It sounded cruel, callous, even in her own head. Use Severus and his feelings for her, as if they were a tool. It seemed petty and manipulative. There was also every chance that he would realize she was using him, if she went about it thinking like that. And that would hurt him worse than their fight earlier had done. But even if he didn't sense it, or if he somehow forgave her for it, she would know. Just thinking about it made her feel faintly sick inside.

In that nebulous future, Severus had been used far too often, by Dumbledore and the Dark Lord.

Lily closed her eyes, thinking. The answer couldn't be in the future she had seen and come back from. Severus had been lost there.

She found herself remembering Severus as she had first met him. A skinny underfed boy in too-large clothes and unkempt hair, struggling to impress her. She had been insulted when he had called her a witch, and only later learned that it hadn't been an insult.

Severus had a quick temper, and he lashed out often, especially when his pride was threatened, or his privacy. Petunia had been the victim of more than one outburst, she recalled. But he had never lashed out at her, not before today.

What did she really know about Severus?

His home life was poor. She knew that. He rarely had money for even basic necessities, let alone school supplies or clothing. She blushed, remembering how she had insulted his underpants after his outburst. It had been a cruel jibe, especially when she, of all people, knew that Severus could barely afford the robes he wore, let alone new clothing. He was scrupulous about cleaning his clothes, but many of his things were so worn that they couldn't be made pristine or neat, not even with the help of House Elves. And in OWL week, he would have little magic or time to spare for cleaning and repairing charms.

She also knew his parents fought frequently. Almost every day. Severus pretended indifference, but she doubted he was nearly has complacent as he tried to seem. His determination to get into Slytherin to please his mother had proved that. His desperate drive to distinguish himself, his anger when he was taunted…

She knew, though she had never thought much about it, that he was neglected at best, abused and bullied at worst. Severus had never said anything, but she knew his father drank. Even if neither of his parents had ever laid a hand on him, which she doubted, he had grown up in a house of violence and cruel words and loneliness.

He had talked often about leaving his parents, and his eagerness to be away from them and find a fresh start. As much as they had both looked forward to receiving their letters, there had been a desperation to Severus that she'd never really registered before.

Only now, looking through the eyes of her elder self, did she see how Potter and Black had marred that fresh start before he even had a chance to truly begin, casting him once more into a world where he was abused, insulted, tormented through no fault of his own. Simply because he was there to torment.

And it was only now that she could see how Severus must struggle in Slytherin House. So many of his housemates had views similar to the purported leanings of the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters. Views about blood purity. Severus had no money to make his life more comfortable, and anyone who knew the Wizarding world would doubtless know instantly that Snape was not a wizard name. His surname would mark him as muggleborn or a half-blood. She thought of all the things she hadn't known about the wizarding world, even with Severus's help, and wondered how much he'd discovered he was adrift, raised in the muggle world. Perhaps his mother's family name might help, but she didn't know for certain, and she certainly had no idea where Severus's mother might have fit in to wizarding society.

He had always tried so hard to hold himself aloof from the world, but by now his dreams, the fantasy realm they had spent their childhood eagerly dreaming of, must surely be ashes to him.

Perhaps all he had were his drive to survive and achieve, his will to remain unbroken.

And her.

Lily bit her lip. After her cruel words this afternoon and her even harsher ones at the entrance to the Tower later, it would be hard to mend things with Severus. He would be hurt and suspicious. And she had her own hurts and concerns to work through. A part of her mind was still the young girl who had been shunned for trying to help her friend, who had been teased for being friends with the 'slimy Slytherin' and 'junior Death Eater'. A part of her was still embarrassed about what had happened earlier in the day.

A part of her was the woman who had watched so many loved ones suffer and die. It was hard to live with, but she'd have to figure out how to manage her new-old memories.

It was tempting. Tempting to leave it all alone. Tempting to wait until summer, away from the pressures of the school and Houses and friends and teachers. At home, she would have more time to sort things out in her own head, more time to plan.

But that wouldn't be fair to Severus. Besides, by then it might be too late. What if Severus accepted an overture from one of his Slytherin friends? They were already circling him, seeking to recruit him into the Dark Lord's company. He was a genius with both spells and potions, everyone knew that, though she doubted most knew the full extent of his skill. He had only ever shared that with her. But even so, the talent he showed was enough to peak the interest of the Dark Lord's followers. And as he was, Severus was a ready target.

Hadn't she been talking to him, just a month ago, about his growing camaraderie with people like Wilkes and Avery and Rosier? And about the things they did? Avery in particular was cruel.

But if they were willing to protect him, offer him a place of safety and belonging, a place to be recognized….

She could see the trap laid out, waiting for him. She hadn't before, but the memories of her older future-past self left the pattern horribly clear. Along with the knowledge that she would be the one to help him take those final steps. Unknowingly, unwittingly, but she would.

It would be hard, but she would have to forgive Severus.

She remembered the boy who had flushed when she complimented him. The shy boy who had whispered 'blood doesn't matter' and shared stories under the willow tree with her. Stories and little magics, like the unfurling of a flower or a brief flight on the wind.

She would have to do more than forgive Severus. Somehow, she would have to find a way to bring that boy back. Bring him back and keep him safe.

Author's Note: It insisted. I was reading a 'Severus returns' story, and had the thought 'What if Lily was the one who went back?' The Lily who escorted Harry to the confrontation with Voldemort. And it just went from there. So...here we go.