Title: Regret
Author: lil-myss-naughty
Fandom: X-Men
Pairing: Remy LeBeau (Gambit) / Logan (Wolverine)
Rating: R
Status: Complete
Archive: Please email me
Important: This story contains regret, depression and touches on male/male relationships, if you don't agree with any of these subjects don't read – Simple!!
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, they belong to Marvel Comics, I make no money from my stories, I just borrow Remy, Logan et all for my pleasure. Set in my unique universe though may touch slightly on the Marvel timeline.
Summary: Set after the trial in Antarctica Remy has returned to the mansion. Surrounded by a hostile environment he seeks a release from his suffering. This is from Logan's point of view and should be read after Catalyst.
Regret...
It has a nasty habit of sneaking up behind ya when ya least expect it an' biting ya square on the arse... Hard.
M'long life's been full of 'em.
Likening 'em to blackened, rotting vines they've been enveloping me since I can remember, digging their long, poisoned spikes deep into m'skin, drawing unseen blood an' until recently I've always managed to break free from their stranglehold. But now they've changed, mutated, these vines, these feelings are somehow different an' they've been growing stronger an' stronger with each passing day since I returned from Japan.
Since I found out what went down after that damn trial in Antarctica...
Never noticed it at first was mixed in with all th'rest, see one thing ya gotta understand about me is that I've been living with various forms of pain all my life an' I've always coped with whatever's been thrown at me. From being experimented on in the Weapon X project ta having my Adamantium extracted by that scum Magneto, ta losing everyone I've ever loved in one form or another...
Brings my thoughts back to Remy.
As the stench of betrayal enters my lungs, obstructing my airways I find myself unable to breathe. It's imaginary of course, but to me it's as real as night an' day, light an' dark, the contamination seeping off of th'other X-Men is slowly killing me.
Excusing myself from the dinner table I vaguely hear the noise my chair makes as it lands heavily against the tiled floor in my haste to get out of there, I vaguely hear the hushed voices of the other X-Men who are no doubt asking themselves what my fucking problem is. T'tell ya the truth I really hope none of 'em come after me t'find out why 'cause it's becoming increasingly difficult t'live under the same roof with Scott an' the rest, see it's getting to the stage where I'm having trouble repressing the desire ta gut every single one of 'em who left him behind.
Assholes!
Putting as much distance between me an' the rest of the team I unconsciously make my way down to the lake at Spuyten Devil Cove, it was one of the few places outsiders such as Remy an' I could meet up an' spend our free time together without being under the scrutinizing stares from the rest of the team, now it's my only refuge.
S'funny how life is sometimes...
As though losing all control of my body I collapse into a dishevelled heap at the edge of the old wooden dock powerless to stop my forearm sweep over the side as it misses the deck an' my hand connects instead with the lake, my fingertips sending ripples out onto the otherwise calm waters.
Gasping for breath I let the tears flow freely down my face listening to them splash rhythmically onto the wooden panels before they are drowned out by my sobs which wrack through my tired an' aching body.
I don't care who sees me, I'm past caring what other people think, but it's too late for recriminations... Too late for anything an' I'm left with regret again, regret that I never told him how I felt, regret for constantly putting it off thinking that there would always be tomorrow, shoulda known different, especially in our line of work.
S'all I need, more regret...
Never tol' no-one this but unbeknownst to th'others I went looking for him, spent hour after hour, day after day up to my knees, sometimes my waist in sleet an' snow searching for Magneto's lair but by the time I'd found out what had happened the barren landscape had reclaimed what was left of the structure an' Remy with it.
When finally all hope had bled out of me of finding him alive I found myself sitting right on top of where Cerebro had pinpointed the last known co-ordinates talking to the kid as though he was right there next to me, just like we used to do. The scary thing is that I could imagine him sitting right there beside me laughing, joking, telling me everything would be all right.
But it won't. It will never be all right.
Not now he's gone.
Letting the unrelenting snow blizzards cover me till I merged into the background, I'd hoped that I'd succumb to the cold but this ol' body just keeps on going.
Fucking healing powers.
I wanted ta die... Perhaps I still do...
I think I'm a jinx, for everyone I've ever loved has been taken away from me in one way or another, Mariko, Silver Fox an' now Remy...
Taken away from me before we'd had a real chance at happiness an' at the hands of those we'd once called friends. Silly thinking this way really seeing as I never told him how I felt... What would he have wanted in an ol' man like me anyhow?
But a fool can dream.
As the sun slowly descends I finally drag myself up into a sitting position, the tears long since dried by the warm breeze. Cricking my neck to release the pain from being in the same position too long, I admonish myself for being so foolish, he'd never shown any sign that he thought that way about me or that he even knew how I felt he about him.
Lighting a cigar I've come to the hard realization that I can no longer call this place home, we used to be a team, one big comparatively happy family an' we never left our people behind, old fashioned principles though they may be it's one I've always lived an' survived by.
An' this is why I can never forgive...
Rising awkwardly I stretch to drive out any further aches an' pains from my tired body before I start making my way back up towards the mansion determined this time to finally leave...
Throwing the last o'my clothes into the tattered rucksack which has seen better days I marvel at how little I actually possess for someone of my years, did I always subconsciously intend on never sticking around an' if that's the case what made me stay for as long as I have done?
Staring at the empty wardrobe before me with my arms outstretched on either door I contemplate when the cover of darkness comes whether to leave from the front door or sneak out the back, I've already left Jubilee a letter on the sideboard explaining why I have to leave an' justifying why she can't come with me, enclosed in the envelope is another one for Cyke an' the rest telling them not ta come looking for me under any circumstances, not if they know what's good for 'em of course.
Closing the doors I pick up the last of my treasured belongings, namely my Katana an' a silver framed picture I keep on my bedside table of Remy, Jubilee an' I taken, if my memory doesn't fail me on one of our many camping trips in Canada. I sigh deeply for those were happier times.
Staring down at the photo I hesitate for a brief moment before quickly slipping it in ta m'backpack, for I know that if I reminisce over what was I won't ever be able ta leave an' I no longer belong here.
As I begin to buckle up the pack with my thoughts still caught in the past I'm brought rudely back to Earth by someone knocking frantically on my door, quickly stowing my stuff under my bed with great agility, after all I don't want my little secret let out yet do I, I spin round just in time ta see Jubilee poking her head round th'door, her face flushed with excitement.
Thankfully she doesn't mention seeing me hide the rucksack, nor the fact that my room looks decidedly sparse, well more than usual anyway.
"He's home Wolvie, Storm's brought him home!"
An' now I understand why.
I don't need to ask the exuberant Jubilee who the 'he' is that she's referring for no sooner than that door opened not only could I feel it in my gut, but my enhanced sense of smell picked up on a waft of that wonderfully exotic and highly erotic aroma of his that always managed to drive me wild with desire.
Steeling myself against the bed frame I try to slow down my heart as it begins beating so ferociously I'm afraid it's gonna jump right outta my chest an' the adrenalin I've got coursing through ma veins, through my very fibre is exhilarating. So much so in fact that I have to re-arrange myself when Jubilee isn't looking.
Closing the door to my quarters behind me I follow Jubilation down the stairs to the entrance hall, distancing myself from the rest of the team I keep to the shadows an' stand silently watching the façade before me unfold.
I watch as those who left Remy behind in Antarctica greet him back with open arms, telling him what they think he wants to hear; that all is forgiven, that they are sorry they left him behind an' that they're glad he's alive, but for a second or two those beautiful eyes capture mine making my breath catch an' I can see that deep down, he too knows that this is all a farce.
An' my hard-on returns with a vengeance.
The one question I have to ask myself is what has made him return to the mansion...
Because I know that if they had left me behind this sure as Hell would be the last place I'd come back to.
Not one for public displays of affection as they make me feel uneasy I make a mental note to visit him later when all the fuss has died down.
An' without saying a word I slowly turn away an' make my way upstairs to unpack an' take a long, cold shower.