A/N: I return! Sort of. I lost access to my account a while back, but I finally remembered the dang password to my email for it. So I can actually post some writing here again. Anyway, hopefully I can actually muster up enough drive to write regularily, and maybe even get old postponed stories back up and running again. In any case, I talk too much. Enjoy! (or rather, read and be miserable because angst)
It's the first thing Rachel notices as she walks into the gym - and it's the last thing she wants to. It's startling, how much of a beacon it is, begging her attention, and stealing her eyes away from the rest of the crowd. Quinn Fabray, the silent words form on her lips, before she can stop herself. The woman turns, as if she had actually vocalized them. Hazel orbs find deep brown, and then Rachel is falling.
Quinn's dyed her hair to it's natural colour, and Rachel thinks of cruel nicknames, and soft speech, and polite mannerisms, and a love of poetry and animals. Though she's never met Lucy Fabray, she's sure she's looking at some version of her now. She knows Quinn is still there, with all her confidence and inner turmoil and fighting spirit, but Rachel thinks that perhaps the woman has finally found balance in the two personas. That for the first time, she is whole.
Rachel can't imagine it. Won't imagine it. There's no way she'll allow herself to know this new woman. A sweet, caring version of Quinn, with all the dreams that Rachel has for herself? Who would greet Rachel as an equal, with sorrow in her eyes for all those years of torment… and then maybe one day become close enough to her that she would open herself completely, and cast off her armour? Rachel can't imagine that ever occurring, because if she could, her emotions would tear her to pieces.
But those warm eyes are there, the only things that stayed constant throughout Quinn's journey to find herself, and Rachel is hurtling through a flood of memories, spanning the length of four arduous years.
She grips onto the nearest solid thing to keep herself from gasping aloud - the hand of the man whom she'd all but forgotten the existence of for those few long moments. Rachel tears her gaze from Quinn's, and flicks them up to look at him. Familiar but strange green eyes stare back at her quizzically. And Rachel finds herself falling again, all the faster.
For the first time in her life, Rachel finds herself speechless from the double blow of seeing her tormentor for the first time in ten years, and from the sudden revelation that had occurred upon staring into her fiance's eyes. It's then she realizes that those eyes are the exact shade Quinn's were during their confrontation in the bathroom during junior prom.
She doesn't know how she knows that, and frankly, she doesn't want to.
But she sees the similarities all the same. The choppy blonde locks with dark roots, the perfectly constructed nose, the cheerful and preppy manner of dress, and the quiet, observing look.
"Rachel?" The rasp in his voice nearly sends her over the edge, and it's all she can do to not sob, or flee, or push him away because if there is a male version of Quinn Fabray late junior year, then he's standing right in front of her with a ring on his finger to match her own.
"Sorry, Nolan. Just a little overwhelmed is all! Lots of old classmates around, you know. Just putting all the names to the faces again. Didn't want to get into a conversation with an old acquaintance only to find they've changed so much that I don't recognize them! I would feel dreadful if that happened to me, so I thought I should make an preemptive effort just in case -"
"I see ten years hasn't changed her ability to go on long-winded rants." A soft chuckle halts Rachel's speech, and she internally cringes. "Quinn Fabray, I was in New Directions with Rachel." The now dark-haired woman extends her hand to Nolan as she introduces herself.
"So she did this back then, too? I thought it was just something she developed during college. I'm Nolan, Rachel's fiance. Nice to meet an old friend of hers." This time it's Quinn who cringes.
"I… wouldn't say that. I wasn't exactly the nicest person back in the day."
"Could say that again..," The shorter woman mutters under her breath. Quinn flicks her gaze over to Rachel, her eyes shining with shame.
"Listen, I'll never be able to make what I did better. Mid-senior year I realized how horrible I was to you- sometimes I was even worse than Santana- but by then… I didn't think there was anything I could do. I stopped hurting you, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you that I was sorry, or make it up to you. I think I was afraid that even though I did realize and repent, that you'd reject my effort. Even then, it was still more important to me to shield myself from being hurt than to do the right thing." She stops abruptly, there, and casts her eyes downwards. Quinn scuffs her sandal against the gym floor, her voice low and dejected. "Look who's ranting now. ...I really am sorry Rach, and if there's anything I could do beyond this, I would. But I can't."
Rach, god that sounds good coming from her. "You wounded me again and again, Quinn. The slushies I could take - they were mortifying, and annoying, and horrible to deal with, but they never hurt me. Santana's nonsensical insults I could take. But you were the only one who actually hated me, and seemed like they wanted to drive me over the edge."
"I never hated you." The woman's tearful voice wavers, and she repeats the words like a mantra. "I don't hate you. I never, ever, hated you. I didn't hate you."
"It sure as hell seemed like you did!" As Rachel's voice rises, and Quinn flinches, Nolan gulps deeply. Up until then he had been looking between the two women as they spoke, not quite sure what to think - Quinn seems nice now, but apparently this wasn't always so, and Rachel appears to think she still shouldn't trust her. But now this seems more than words being flung about old feuds. This seems far too fresh, and current, and personal for it to be about things which had occurred over a decade prior. By Rachel's infuriated tone of voice, and the way Quinn was on the verge of tears even before the smaller brunette started yelling, he would've expected the topic to have been something that had just occurred.
"I- I didn't expect you to forgive me. I'm not asking for forgiveness, or for you to think better of me. I just wanted to try and tell you that I was sorry, that what I did to you doesn't define me. Sometimes I just wish I never existed in the first place, so there would be no chance I could've ever hurt you." Quinn's eyes slide closed as she tries to regulate her ragged breathing. "That's all I wanted to say. I won't bother you again. Have a nice life Rachel - and I hope you achieve all of your goals. You deserve it." Rachel seems taken off-guard by this sentiment, but before she can form words, Quinn has turned to walk away. "I should go. Goodbye, Rach."
Without any other words, the woman quickly crosses the gymnasium floor and exits through the south doors. As they begin to swing closed behind her, she half-turns to glance back at Rachel. For a moment, deep brown eyes find tearful green (they're always the brightest when she cries,), and a halo of sunlight turns dark brown locks to gold, and the words reverberate in her head.
Goodbye, Rach.
It's the first thing Quinn noticed; Nolan could have been the male version of her once upon a time. So once the doors slide close, she screws her eyes shut, and digs her nails into her palms, and cries for the version of her life she managed to miss.
Neither girl comes to any more reunions, and Quinn and Rachel never see each other again.
A/N 2: For whatever reason I felt like writing angsty future!faberry outside of the canon. Because I've always wondered what it would've been like down the road if S3 went differently.
Review?