Miles Edgeworth usually left the office for a one hour lunch break before returning to his office to continue on with work. He would usually be found at a chic café around the corner, The Gilded Teacup, with prices that Edgeworth knew wouldn't even tempt Wright to be a regular costumer even once a week. It prided itself on its simplistic but stylish décor which unlike Trés Bien, didn't look like someone made a real life Barbie theme play set with an owner who, unlike the doll, wasn't multitalented enough to actually cook let alone have a thousand careers at once.
It was a place Edgeworth would usually frequent when he went out to lunch. Today however, he wasn't so lucky. The place was too full when he got there so Edgeworth waited in a seat for a while in hopes a table would become free. Some did, but as there had been others waiting before him they got 'first come, first served' privileges. He waited a little less than twenty five minutes, but he realised he couldn't waste any more time. Thankfully though, the café did have take away so he decided just to get some sandwiches and have them in his office along with some tea he would make. No use ordering tea here and having it cold by the time he started eating, after all.
So far, the day had been normal. The day had been calm. Just as it should have been. But when he entered the building, something stuck out very sharply.
All the prosecutors (and some officers) were crowding around something in a circle. Though they were spread out to give whatever was in the centre plenty of room. While he was reluctant to do so, curiosity got the better of the young man and he walked towards the circle. Pushing several of his colleagues out of the way so he could see what it was they were eagerly watching.
Managing to get into the front row, Edgeworth briefly wondered why and how a pink spotlight was shining down. Was there truth to the rumours that Damon Gant had ordered Lana Skye to install spotlights for some sort of secret group that used the prosecutors' office to indulge in the sins of the flesh? No, but those questions were replaced with much more serious ones.
Like how was Payne supporting Gumshoe's weight?
The older prosecutor was in the centre of the circle everyone had made, and currently in a dipping pose with Gumshoe. An elegant rose (which Edgeworth was certain had come from one of his vases) was clenched between his teeth, and his glasses were up revealing… The most disturbing eyes Edgeworth had ever seen. Maybe it was just because he was so used to seeing the epitome of fail wearing those glasses so much, but with them off, all you could see were white orbs with black dots in the centre. The smile he was giving down to Gumshoe wasn't much better.
Gumshoe himself was looking up at Payne with a pink blush dusting his cheeks, big sparkling eyes that reminded Edgeworth of anime style eyes and holding one of his closed hands near his mouth in a cutesy way as his lower lip trembled.
"Now Gum-Gum," Payne spoke in his high pitched screechy voice clearly, despite still holding the rose in his mouth. "Have I dazzled and charmed you?"
Dazzled? Charmed? Gum-Gum?
Gumshoe nodded, in an even cuter fashion. "Yes, yes you have my love!"
"Then you'll be my lover?"
"Damn straight, lover-pal!"
The sound of ugly slurping and licking echoed out throughout the room. Prosecutors cheered and praised, clapping as the two lovers kissed each other. Their lack of experience (that is to say none) was evident since more tongue was showing outside their mouths than necessary as hands moved over each other. Pulling at tie and buttons. But no one seemed to care.
No one but Edgeworth, that is. He was absolutely disgusted by this public display of affection. Not because of his own dislike for such public displays of affection, and he wasn't homophobic. But seriously, who could actually be enjoying this? Detective Gumshoe and Winston Payne playing a sloppy game of tonsil tennis? Anyone could tell you how disgusting this looked.
Soon Edgeworth's attention was caught by something else. Confetti started to fall down upon the couple as they started pulling at one another's ties and clothes, and it brought a confused frown to Edgeworth's face. The spotlight? Confusing but somewhat understandable given the scenario. Sort of. But confetti?
"Cheer, you fools! Cheer!"
Edgeworth tensed, recognising that voice well. He didn't really want to, but he started looking a little more to his left and witnessed a sight that would never be seen again.
Franziska von Karma wearing a knee length, cream coloured toga and a flower crown as she held a weaved basket and throwing confetti from it over the couple. Edgeworth didn't know what was stranger; Franziska actually wearing such a thing and also being barefoot (something only 'foolish peasants' did, as she would say) or that she was smile in a kind, affectionate way.
Either way, this couldn't actually be happening.
"Join them, Edgey~."
Suddenly his right arm was grabbed and he looked to his side to see Larry dressed in a bright yellow playgirl bunny suit that showed off his hairy, hairy legs and left very little to Edgeworth's imagination. He wore a sign around his neck that said. 'Go behind for my 'Wonderland~.'
"Yeah, Edgeworth. Join them~."
His other arm was grabbed and looking to that side, Edgeworth saw Phoenix there. Wearing a Psyduck head-hat on his head, a red tie over his naked chest and a knee length denim skirt. Unlike Larry's, Phoenix's legs were shaven so they were smooth as a baby's behind.
"Wh-what are you doing?" Edgeworth asked the both of them, growing more frightened by the second as he was feeling himself pulled forward towards the couple in the centre which he only realised now were currently in their boxers. Gumshoe's were pink with strawberries patterning it while Payne's were… Actually, they weren't boxers it was a skin coloured thong.
Suddenly a quick drum beat was heard.
"One of them. One of them. One of them. One of them."
Edgeworth looked to the source of the chanting and saw Maya Fey, the (supposed to be) late Mia Fey and Simon Blackquill, all three dressed in traditional spirit medium robes with Blackquill being the source of the drum beat as he held a bodhran in hand.
"One of them. One of them. One of them…"
The chanting continued. Everyone in the room had joined in. The prosecutors, the police, Phoenix and Larry. Even Franziska was joining in in with a strangely childish look of glee on her face.
"No! Noo!" Edgeworth struggled against the two men, but they had him in iron grips.
"Succumb to your destiny!" Edgeworth saw Godot standing at the other side of the room, standing between two IV drips connected to his arms. The bags of which were filled with a brown liquid Edgeworth could only assume to be coffee.
At least he hoped to god that was what it was.
"You cannot avoid this," Godot continued on before Bobby Fulbright appeared, dressed in a pink cheerleader outfit with a capital S.B on front and holding red pompoms. Strangely enough, the skirt actually suited him.
"Just give in! For justice!" Fulbright said cheerfully. "Just like I gave into Blackquill-senpai's drumming beat of justice! B-L-A-C-K! Who do you think is the best? Q-U-I-L-L! Until you give in he will not rest!" Fulbright threw his pompoms in the air and laughed and cheered.
"Yay for senpai and justice! Justice and senpai!"
"If you love justice so much, why don't you marry it?" Godot sneered towards him.
"Apparently you can't marry the Lady Justice statue."
Larry and Phoenix were still dragging Edgeworth to the couple, ignoring whatever the heck was going on with Godot and Fulbright. The poor grey haired man was still struggling as everyone chanted, and both Payne and Gumshoe were naked, only Gumshoe protecting Edgeworth's eyes from Payne's naked form.
Gumshoe smiled back at Edgeworth in an extremely kawaii way and presented his rear to him. Edgeworth saw something he would never forget on one of those hairy arse cheeks.
A tattoo of his glaring face in the middle of a heart.
"AGGGGGHHHH!" Edgeworth shot up in bed. Dripping in sweat as he panted hard. It took him a while to realise he was in his room, in his bed. Looking to his clock he saw it was nearly midnight and gave a small sigh of relief. He was safe. He must have fallen asleep while waiting for-.
"Are you okay, sweetie?" a soothing voice called from the Edgeworth, and immediately the young prosecutor felt calmer than before.
"Yes, I-." But Edgeworth abruptly stopped. There wasn't anyone living with him. Why would he be relieved to hear another voice here? That should have him calling the police right away.
"That's good~." The bathroom door opened and the figure that stepped out had Edgeworth dropping his jaw. "You like~?"
They wore a very wonderful looking piece of lingerie. A tight, rosy red corset that tightened beautifully and elegantly against that large chest. A seductive pair of red panties that hugged the hips and from behind gave a love view of the rear. A red shawl hung loosely from the elbows, just ready to be dropped to the ground. Or used to tie someone up. They wore a crimson and gold feather headpiece in their fine, silky hair, and it was finished off with scarlet lipstick, gold eyeshadow, a thick layer of pink lush and heavy amounts of black mascara and eyeliner, and the strong smell of sweet but slightly spicy perfume. Surely such a look could only be pulled off by,
Sal Manella.
Edgeworth began gagging at the sight as Sal Manella fluttered his long eyelashes towards him as he swayed his hips around.
"1 $0 I\I3VV jooz VV0ULD L1I3 7I-I1$!" Manella l33ted like the unlikeable, ugly loser of a nerd he was. "I\I0VV L37'$ I-I4V3 $3X!"
"SPEAK IN HUMAN!" Edgeworth roared jumping out of his bed and backing away. But Manella just grinned, tongue hanging out and hitting against his knees as saliva dripped down to the floor and creating a puddle. He began moving towards Edgeworth in a predator like way, making groping motions with his hands.
Sweat began to appear on Edgeworth's head as he tried to think of a way out of this situation. Desperation to escape welling up inside him as he looked around. The door leading out into the hall was too close to Manella for comfort. There was only one option left for him.
Edgeworth turned around and quickly opened up his window and got ono the ledge. If this was the only way out, then so be it.
Taking a deep breath, Edgeworth jumped forward. He didn't care if this man made 'Steel Samurai'. He would not be molested by him! God only knows how the man got in his house, but he was SO going to court!
Then he was caught.
"I will protect you, Edgeworth-san."
Edgeworth opened his eyes up weakly and froze as he saw something that definitely made up for the horror his eyes witnessed tonight.
The Steel Samurai looked down at him with a stern look, but comforting eyes.
"Steel Samurai?" Edgeworth questioned in child-like awe. "I… I didn't think you were real."
"Your desperation to get away from my father summoned me to help you, Edgeworth-san."
"Your father?"
"Sal Manella did create me."
"I… I guess that is true," Edgeworth admitted as he though it over. There was some reason to calling the obese mass of ugliness father in that context. "But why rescue me?"
"I know you want to be taken away from all the misery and injustice, so I'm taking you to Justice Land."
"Justice Land? What's that?"
"That land where there is no such thing as crime, and anytime there is crime it is immediately solved," Steel Samurai answered to the amazed looking Edgeworth. "I brought Bobby Fulbright there last week, and he LOVES it!"
"I suppose he wouldn't if there wasn't justice," Edgeworth said, feeling his heart beat faster in excitement. "Can we go now?"
"We shall, young Edgeworth-san. We shall. But only…" Steel Samurai held out a box and opened it up, revealing a ring that instead of a stone had a model of his head. "If you become my wife."
Edgeworth gasped, holding his hands to his mouth. This… This was…
This was the happiest day of his life!
"Yes!" Edgeworth squealed happily. "Just don't make me wear a dress on our wedding day, okay?"
"Of course not. It'll be a kimono."
"That's-," Edgeworth stopped himself short. "Wait, what?"
"TO THE KIMONO STORE!"
And using the superpower of plot convenience, the Steel Samurai flew Edgeworth to the kimono store, and reluctant Edgeworth finally picked out the prettiest red kimono they had. He wouldn't wear white despite tradition. He felt it would make him look as though he was preparing to die rather than get married to the love of his life.
After several months of planning, Edgeworth and the Steel Samurai would be ready to get married at Lake Gourd. The Nickle Samurai was Steel Samurai's best man despite the fact that Nickle kept trying to steal away Edgeworth while Tin and Aluminium were groom's men, and Pink Princess got drunk off of whisky and crashed into the cake just as it had arrived in reception room of the Gate Water Hotel.
Larry was to be the one to officiate the wedding (since he gave up being an artist and decided to work at weddings instead), Franziska was the maid of honour while Maya and Athena were bride's maids. Apollo was to be the ring bearer while Pearl was the flower girl. Phoenix Wright would walk Edgeworth down the aisle (despite von Karma rising from the dead just to watch the wedding. Because it was THAT important), and everyone else in the Phoenix Wright universe was invited.
Except Oldbag. She refused to accept Edgeworth's new sexuality and in hopes it would appeal to him, she joined a nunnery to preserve her eighty years of virginity, just for him.
Naturally it didn't work. Edgeworth and Steel were far too in love to let such things stand between them
Plus Oldbag was old.
However, as Wright had been halfway down walking Edgeworth down the aisle, a new threat came to stop their wedding.
Superman came with a subpoena. Apparently he had become a dick and copyrighted flying around with the use of super powers while wearing a noticeably large amount of red, and was suing the Steel Samurai for every penny he had. It didn't help much better when Superman told Phoenix that if he agreed to join him and be his lawyer in this case, he would be paid lots of money. Which he did agree to. In all fairness though, he was in debt to mobsters because he kept having to feed Maya's burger cravings.
It had still pissed Edgeworth off as he felt betrayed by the man he thought of as a friend. So in defiance, he would be defending his lover!
Even the Judge noticed how odd it was that Edgeworth was acting more defence than usual and Phoenix prosecution. But the two attorneys didn't give a damn.
The trial didn't go well though.
Steel Samurai lost and had to stop being a superhero. Because of this, Edgeworth lost interest in him before going to Superman to be his boy toy. It lasted for a week before Superman lost interest and flew away. This saddened Edgeworth deeply and inspired him to write a story of his hardships of how things went from normal to mad, and how he slowly allowed himself to succumb to the madness. But everyone mocked Edgeworth's book and threw their food at him in disgust so he was forced to live under a bridge in shame for several minutes before Phoenix found him and took him home for cuddles and fluff to make everyone go awe and squeal.
They are now expecting their first child.
That's right.
After quickly falling in love, they went to an adoption agency and after filling out forms and going through interviews and a waiting period of some time, they were deemed eligible for being parents.
They already have the room ready for when the kid comes to stay with them.
What happened to Gumshoe and Payne? To Mr. Sal Manella, you may ask?
Well Gumshoe found out Payne was using him for sex so he ran off to start a new life in South America. Because of his depression caused by Payne, he could any other work other than working as a cheap prostitute. But he eventually managed to work his way up to becoming a teacher, and later moved to Latvia to continue teacher and became a principle of the most prestigious academy in Latvia.
Payne decided that the reason he failed as a Prosecutor was because you just simply fail as a Prosecutor. So, he decided to become a Defence Attorney in hopes of getting wins and money for once. Naturally many innocent people went to jail because he sucked at it, so the former Prosecutor found himself being sued by his previous clients.
And Sal Manella? Well… They say if you go to the sleaziest strip joint in the capital of your country, be it America, Europe, Scandinavia and the North Pole etc., and pay the best looking hooker you find a hundred of whatever currency there is without having actually watched her routine…
Sal Manella will appear and give you a very sensual lap dance.
This has been on my mind lately so I decided to write this up.
Here's hoping at least some of your found this entertaining.