You Should See What's On CCTV, a stargate: sg-1 fanfic

Disclaimer: I own nothing…dammit.

You Should See What's On CCTV

A/N: Not canon, slightly AU in fact, because it's this season, and Fraiser's alive. If anyone else had this idea before, I'm not meaning to steal anything.

Stargate Command's Christmas party was in full swing. Decorations lined the halls, and the cafeteria was covered in tinsel and garlands, all courtesy of General O'Neill. The entire base was crammed into the room, the iris was closed, and both would be staying that way.

Laughing and jostling, the base crew sat packed into the hundreds of folding chairs facing the projector screen. One of the security personnel, a Lt. Williams, stood at the projector, a glass of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum in his hand. Slowly, the lights dimmed, and Williams spoke.

"The SGC security staff would like to present what we hope will become an annual tradition: The Year's Top Ten Security Camera Outtakes!" With that, he hit the projector's "Play" button.

#10: Teal'c sat in his quarters, staring at a spot on the floor. Slowly, he got up, walked over to where he'd been staring, and began trying to do a headstand. And he failed…miserably. Time after time, the Jaffa's legs would go up, and then he'd go over.

#9: An empty office, instantly recognizable as Daniel Jackson's by the piles of artifacts and papers everywhere. A bucket of water was balanced on top of the partially open door. As the entire base watched, Daniel walked in, and was promptly drenched.

Williams piped up, "You can thank General O'Neill for that one, Dr. Jackson." Jack shot him a dirty look, but the lesser officer simply raised his glass, grinned, and sipped.

#8: One of the captains, a woman named DeFalco, shaving her legs, and doing a piss-poor job of it, as she managed to nick both legs a total of thirty times.

The lieutenant ignored her screamed curses as he cued up #7.

#7: General O'Neill was passed out over a pile of reports, a small lake of drool pouring from his mouth onto the papers. Colonel Carter walked in, and after a pause to take in the scene, clapped her hands. The general sprang up, a report stuck to his face. It took him a minute or so to pry the destroyed document off.

Williams caught another dirty look for that one.

#6: Daniel guzzling coffee in his office, then getting up and licking the machine in an effort to get every last drop.

#5: A new recruit was in the armory, looking quizzically at a zat gun. As he stared at the firing end, he accidentally hit the arming button, then, frantically trying to disarm it, hit the activation button.

#4: Sgt. Harriman was sitting on the bed in his quarters, a finger inserted so far up his nose that a slightly tipsy Dr. Fraiser loudly wondered if he'd gotten brain damage. In the room, Harriman blushed, while onscreen, he extracted his prize, inspected it, and flicked it across the room.

As #3 began to play, Williams spoke. "We had to splice the music in for this. Thanks go to the guy in the next room, Sgt. Wolfe, who was able to tell us what the song was."

#3: Sgt. Siler, in a T-shirt and uniform pants, stood in front of a cheap boom box in his quarters, and pressed the "Play" button.

Too sexy for my shirt…

I'm too sexy for my shirt…

So sexy it hurts…

Siler began to pull his shirt off, wiggling in what almost seemed a caricature of male strippers. The song played on as the sergeant danced around half-naked for a while.

Too sexy for my…

Mercifully, the tape cut to #2 as Siler reached for his fly.

#2: General O'Neill and Colonel Carter were in the general's office, making out and groping like a pair of teenagers. The room erupted in cheers, laughter, and catcalls as Williams ducked the duo's hurled glasses. Standing back up, he yelled, "At some point, someone please let General Hammond know he won the pool!"

O'Neill roared over the din, "Williams, if the next one's about us too, I'm busting you down to ensign!"

Williams simply smiled and quaffed the last of his (miraculously unspilled) rum as clip #1 began to play and the last few snickers died away.

#1: An unconscious Daniel Jackson on an infirmary bed, obviously suffering from his famous luck with injuries. Dr. Fraiser snuck in, looking around furtively. Obviously, she'd forgotten about the security camera. She slipped over to Daniel and began unbuttoning his hospital gown. He stirred, and she wrapped her lips fiercely around his.

"Oh my GOD! You sick, perverted, voyeuristic bastards!" Fraiser screamed as she watched the video go from PG to XXX in the space of a minute. Daniel had buried his head in his hands, blushing furiously.

Roars of laughter, more catcalls, more cheers as the base crew watched the antics onscreen.

Fraiser, now mimicking Daniel's posture, had fallen into a storm of dark mumbling, from which a few words could be made out. "…bastard…call Chang…get…horse needle…Williams won't…for a week!"

Williams shouted, "I'd like to thank one of my staff members, Ensign Simmons, for suggesting that we send copies to Doc's family and her med school professors!"

That snapped her out of her mumbling.

Horror branded across her face, Fraiser turned to the luckless ensign. "You WHAT!"

Seeing that the not-so-good doctor was about to tear his subordinate apart, Williams hastily explained as the video ended and the lights came back up. "No, no, that was a joke! I swear! Although I won the pool on this one…that reminds me…Hey! Siler! You still owe me forty bucks!"

With a shriek of outrage, Janet pulled herself to her feet and made for Williams, who managed to yell "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" as he rushed out the door, Fraiser close behind.