Disclaimer: I don't own Monk. I am borrowing it for this story
With her and I it was never "you are" or "I am" it was always we are. We were a team. If I was going through a tough time she was literally right there with me. If she was going through a tough time I was literally right there with her.
Now she's in surgery. She collasped walking home. The docor said they found a large tumor in her brain. That would explain her loss of memory, her mood swings and the headaches she's been suffering from. Leland is looking at me, trying to reassure me but I don't take much comfort. Only when it's over and done with and she's safe in my arms will I let go of this fear. I can't consider the possibility of that not happening. I can't accept that I could lose half of my we. If that were to happen it would just be I am. I would be living in a prision of my on misery. I check my watch. I think it's half past GOD PLEASE SAVE HER. Tears are pouring down my eyes.
I can't lose her. I am so scared right now. Every time the door opens I jump. Karen is trying to talk to me, trying to calm me down but I don't even hear a blessed word she's saying. It sounds like gibberish to me. I hear something about karma, something about medatation… I really don't care. I cannot lose the other side of me. The doctors are walking around or rushing or doing something caught up in their busy day. Leland says it's a good sign that the doctors haven't come out yet. How is this going to affect her. How is this going to affect us. The doctor said to expect some personality change. What does that mean personaility change? One nurse… Sharona I think her name is, said that moodiness is often common with brain tumors. Well DUH. That's really not a surprise. It's a little something called THIS SUCKS.
The doctor is coming out. He's not smiling. GOD no! This can't be happening. NO I can't lose her. He tells me that it's looking good but there's a long way to go. The tumor is in the cerebella and a little bit in the brain stem. She'll have to learn to walk again. She'll always walk with a limp. So? That doesn't matter to me. As long as she's okay that's all that matters. I ask what the best case scenero is. Best case scenerio is that she comes out of this like nothing ever happened. The worst case scenerio I can't bear to think about. I can't lose half of my we. It can't just be "I am"
I go through all the things that have happened since the first time I saw her. We had a disagreement the other day. Does she know that I still love her? If I had done things differentally maybe I could have stopped her from getting sick. Maybe this happened because I didn't deserve someone as amazing as her. Maybe I'm being punished for something I said or did wrong. I know everyone would tell me that I'm being too hard on myself. There's no logical way that could have happened.
WHAT IS LOGICAL ABOUT A BRAIN TUMOR? Nothing going on here is logical. Nothing going on here makes any sense. It's not fair. I can't lose her. I looked at my friend with a pleading glance. He squeezed my hand in reassurance. Now all there is is to wait. It could take hours. Every minute that ticks by seems like forever. I can't lose my we are. I can get through anything if I have her by my side. I can get through nothing without her.
The doctor comes out again. Trudy is in recovery. They managed to get the whole thing. Thank GOD I have her back. Once again it's not an I am or a she is. It's a we are.