Author: Celeste
Feedback: (Yes!) keviesprincess@netscape.net
Rating: PG-13 for yaoi themes
Pairings: Light Haru/Yuki
Summary: Haru contemplates the importance of faith.
Spoilers: Not that I know of, really.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, just my sad, twisted scenario. As far as I know, anyway… *sweatdrop*
Dedication: Mel, because I'm going to make up for quality with quantity.
A/N: So, yeah. Sap. Sorry! I don't know what came over me, really. I'll leave the excuse at my retardedness after midterms. School sucks out your soul a little bit and this is the kind of stuff you get stuck with, I guess. -_-;;
Distribution: Just lemme know.
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In living life, one learned through observation.
Through the actions of others, through the happenings of the everyday, one slowly incorporated ideas of how the world worked into his or her mind, changed them and made them fit somehow into his or her unique outlook on life, into his or her own experiences.
Through watching others, one learned how each individual saw the universe and its components, how each one discovers how to exist in this life relative to everything and every one else within it.
In realizing this, in seeing it, Haru was an avid studier of those around him. He gently watched how the people most important in his life led theirs, and from them took the lessons he learned and fit them into himself, a patchwork quilt of the things he admired and liked the most tied to his memory and how he wanted to be through life, what he wanted to do and see and believe.
He watched people important to him. He observed his family.
And through them, he began to discover things about the world as they saw it…things that he could watch and incorporate into his patchwork memory along with his own experiences to help shape the world as he would come to regard it.
He wasn't quite sure if this was the right way, if there even was a right way…
But he knew that these were people he loved dearly, and because of that, the way they lived taught him many important things.
About them, about himself, about the world.
Through them, he saw what they saw, what they did, what they believed.
And through them, he learned what he believed as well.
Whether it was the same as them or different, they taught him many important things about life.
Most importantly…
…most important of all, he watched the people he loved the most in the world…
…to learn what love was.
And by this method, he learned to believe…
…Haru learned to believe that love was supposed to give you faith.
He saw it as something that gave you something to believe in, rather than something that took things away from you, rather than something that hurt, rather than something that was all parts wonderful or everything horrible.
He didn't know if he was right, just that it was what he felt. The others, he knew they felt about it differently. He had watched them avidly, seen how they felt. They all felt differently, but perhaps what they felt was what suited them best anyway, so it was okay.
He didn't know what was right, what was wrong. He didn't know if it even mattered anyway.
But he watched them, because he loved them, and discovered that each of them saw things differently. Like him, they watched the world and learned from it; incorporating the parts they thought fit best into themselves with their own experiences and discovered how they thought they should live. He learned from them and with his patchwork mind of colorblind shades, and in the very same manner as they, bound them each within himself to learn important things from these important people.
He learned that…
…Kyou thought love meant you had to fight for what you wanted.
Momiji thought it meant anything that hurt, even the truth, stayed hidden.
Ayame felt that love was fantasy, a realm of endless delight conjured from somewhere safe within his own mind that could be hidden behind costumes and masks and ridiculous words.
Hiro thought love meant you could only rely on one person all the time and that had to be enough.
Ritsu thought it was to always be willing to be wrong.
Kagura thought love was something that had to be forced, caged, and maintained carefully so it wouldn't run away.
Kisa thought love meant enduring. Alone.
Shigure thought it was smiling, always smiling because love didn't mean you were allowed to show a different face.
Hatori seemed to think love meant endless sacrifice.
And Yuki…
…Yuki thought love meant suffering.
Through these people he loved very dearly, Haru learned about the world, their world, and how to live in it. He watched them, and with his piecemeal mind discovered parts of them he wanted inside of himself and parts he did not. He watched his precious family and put their experiences together with his own. This was how he learned many important things.
He didn't know if they were wrong, if they were right, or if it mattered. He only had what he put together with his heart, the different quilt squares collected in the back of his mind over time through these people he loved, with them.
This was how Haru learned to believe that love gave you faith.
He believed that love was supposed to give you something, not hide behind something else, not take something away.
He didn't know if he was right or not. He didn't think there was just one right answer anyway.
It wasn't like that.
He didn't think there were just one or two right answers.
Maybe it was a combination of all of their beliefs and each of them was too broken to incorporate them all together.
Maybe they were all wrong, every last one of them.
Haru didn't know. It was too big, too far reaching for him to find the answers to.
All he knew was what he saw. How he saw life through those that he loved very much. And by this, he knew what he felt. It was the only thing he had to make judgments on.
From what he learned. By his own experiences and by those he saw of the people dearest to him.
It was through this that he came to believe that love gave you something.
It was a precious gift from one person to another.
Through seeing Yuki a long time ago, through his words and his smile, a very young Haru had learned something very important.
His love had given him faith.
When he had had none-- in himself, in the wholeness of his own being, in what he saw in himself and what others saw of him, Yuki had given him something that had kept him from breaking all the way apart.
A long time ago, love had given him a wonderful gift.
It taught him how to believe in something.
He wanted to return the favor, because that was what he felt love was. He wanted to give someone something precious as well.
He wanted someone to watch him, to learn through him, the things he did and saw and believed, and to take this very important thing they had learned from their observations of him and decide that his faith was something good that they wanted to take part of and put within themselves.
He wanted to teach the others how to believe in something.
He didn't know if he was right or wrong, of it if mattered if he was right or wrong at all.
He just knew that wanted his love to be someone's very wonderful gift. Like the one that had been given to him a long time ago.
And he very much wanted…
…he wanted to make it so Yuki didn't suffer so much anymore. Whether for love or for something else, he didn't want Yuki to suffer so much anymore. He wanted Yuki to have something to believe in too, because it was a wonderful feeling and what was love but a gift of faith from you to your most precious person?
He wanted to share this wonderful feeling with someone precious to him.
He wanted to show Yuki, and hoped that as Yuki had once done for him, the other boy would open himself to watching and learning in return so that he might let himself take something from Haru this time, accept the present he offered through his actions and his beliefs.
Everyone was precious to him. They all taught him something dear over time as he grew up and watched them in their secret world.
But it was Yuki…
…it was through Yuki that Haru been given something very, very important.
A valuable present.
Haru wanted to give his gift in return as well.
He wasn't one to believe that love made it so you didn't have to suffer at all ever again. He knew that sometimes, people did suffer. It was what happened, what he had learned as one of his many observations.
But he believed that if you had love, if you had faith, then the suffering would pass, no matter what.
Because love gives you something.
He didn't know if he was right or not. There was no way to be sure after all. And everyone, maybe everyone saw it a little differently than he did. All he had was what he had taken, the good parts he had seen and experienced and sewed to his patchwork mind because it was something he wanted to keep forever.
And he knew that he had this gift to give. The same thing he had received one day, a long time ago in the warm eyes of a lonely boy.
Through those eyes, he learned that much for sure.
Love is a precious gift from one person to another.
Something to believe in.
And that was why Haru believed that love was faith.
He didn't know if he was right, or if he was wrong. He didn't think it mattered, either way.
Because he knew he believed in Yuki.
He had faith.
END