Questions, Qualms, Queries, Quokkas and Quiches of a Quidditch Queen By the Drunk Elves

A/N: Heya guys! This fic is very, very AU – we've got the entire gang in the same year to make it work and there are no Harry-Ron-Hermione-evil-Dark-Lord adventures in the background or otherwise. Have fun reading!

-----

Chapter One – Questions of a Quidditch Queen

"Mine's bigger."

"No, mine is!"

"No, mine is!"

"No, mine is!"

"No, mine is!"

"Mine is!"

"Mine is!"

"Mine is!"

"Mine is!"

"Mine is!"

"NO, MINE IS!"

"FRED AND GEORGE! WILL. YOU. SHUT! UP! NOW!" Katie Bell screamed at them, tired listening to them argue about something she didn't know about.

"No!" they said in unison.

"Ah…just stuff a sock in it…" Angelina Johnson was sitting with the twins and Katie by the fire.

"Don't have any spare socks – Fred already used them to stuff up his…well, let's just say they were used!" George said cheerfully.

The twins burst into synonymous laughter.

They were attracting strange looks from everyone in the common room.

"What are you talking about anyway?" Alicia asked.

The twins looked smug.

Very smug.

"Beater's Bats," Fred said.

"And the size of them," George added.

"But aren't they all the same size! It says that in the rulebook!" Katie asked.

"Katie, dahhhhrling. We're not talking about the wooden ones," Fred told her with a mysterious look on his face.

The girls looked confused.

Then…

Comprehension dawned on all the three girls' faces and they blushed to the tips of their ears.

Katie spluttered.

Alicia laughed.

Angelina said, smirking, "Oh, Fred's is so much bigger, George." She and Fred had been going out for about two months, but they hadn't done that yet. Angelina loved to provoke the twins. She found their spontaneous reaction funny.

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Guys, just stop it!" Katie told them, for the second time.

"Hmph."

"Great. Here comes our beloved Quidditch Captain. HIDE! RUN UP A TREE!" Fred yelled hysterically.

The group cracked up as Fred tried to climb up George.

"Hey, Katie, we dare you to ask Oliver how long his Beater's Bat is!" the twins whispered to Katie as Oliver walked towards them.

Angelina snorted.

Katie told the twins, smirking, "I never give up dares… how much will you pay me?"

The twins whispered, "We won't prank you for a month…"

"Done!"

-----

"Oliver?"

"Yes, Bell?"

"WOOD!"

"Fine, Kate, then!"

"Ollie!"

"What is it, Katie?"

"Close enough. How long is your Beater's Bat?"

There was a snort from behind her and Katie looked around to see Fred and George rolling on the floor in silent laughter and tears were running down Angelina's face. Alicia was turning purple from trying not to laugh.

"Well, technically, I'm a Keeper, so I don't have one-"

There was a gasp and more snorts from behind Katie. She glared at Angelina and Alicia who were shaking with silent laughter and at Fred and George who suddenly looked shocked and a bit disturbed.

"Was it something I said?" Oliver was looking over at the twins with increasing confusion.

Katie stifled a giggle. "Exactly what you said, Ollie. So how long did you say your Beater's Bat was?"

Looking bewildered, Oliver nonetheless ploughed on, "Well, the standard size is a foot and a half-" Fred and George's eyes widened and they snorted more- "but it can vary depending on where you get it from."

Alicia couldn't help calling out, "What, your father's or your grandfather's?"

Angelina looked mildly disgusted but extremely amused and Fred and George had tears running down their faces.

Katie couldn't hold back her laughter any longer and it burst out in torrents.

Finally, comprehension dawned on Oliver.

He spluttered. His ears flamed.

And then he regained his composure. "Oh…" he said, "you mean those kind of Beaters' Bats. I have a really, really big Beater's Bat."

Fred and George looked sceptical. "Oh yeah? Prove it. Show us." The girls looked shocked and completely weirded out.

Oliver gave them a strange look. "I didn't know you swung that way!"

George spluttered.

Fred looked indignant. "Oh, come on! It was only that one time!"

Everyone looked at him. George backed away slowly.

Oliver grinned. "Hey, I've got a friend in Ravenclaw, maybe I could set you up with him!"

Fred blushed.

Somewhere down there, hell froze over and Lucifer angrily shoved ten Galleons towards the closest demon, muttering something about a Weasley twin blushing.

Oliver turned to Katie, who was still laughing. "So did your little question have anything to do with what Fred and George may or may not have told you?" He glared furiously at Fred and George for some reason.

Katie stopped laughing and merely looked at Oliver. "What? Well, they dared me to ask you, and you know how I am with dares."

Oliver looked immensely relieved for some reason and smiled at her. "Well, that's OK then," he said, "kind of."

Katie looked at Oliver.

Then at Angelina and Alicia. Who were both smirking.

Then at Fred and George. Who were both looking at the ceiling and doing mock-innocent whistles.

"What did Ollie tell you?"

Fred and George looked at each other. "Well, he didn't really tell us, per se. We kind of found out and now it's blackmail material for us." Oliver was now looking very annoyed and extremely embarrassed.

"Fred, George, if you tell her, I – I'll – kick you off the Quidditch team!"

Fred and George made mock-frightened faces and dove at Katie's feet, hanging onto her legs. "Oh no, save us, Katiekins! The Big Bad Captain wants to kick us off his precious Quidditch team, regardless of the fact that he won't win the Cup without us! NOOO!"

Katie might have been able to stay upright if Fred hadn't grabbed her leg so hard. But as he did, she kind of… fell over.

She and the twins lay there groaning, and as Alicia and Angelina came to help, Alicia tripped and landed nose-to-nose on top of George and Fred, seeing this, pulled Angelina in the same position and snogged her senseless.

Alicia and George were both wide-eyed and Alicia was starting to blush and George gave her a small smile. Katie knew they both fancied each other, and it was kinda cute and all, but she was squished under a pile of people.

And the other people in the common room were looking over at them curiously. Not curiously as in hey-what's-happening-over-there kind of curiously, but more whoa-I-see-what's-happening-over-there-you're-weird kind of curiously.

"A little help here, Ollie?" came Katie's muffled voice when he didn't move after a minute or so.

She heard Oliver's voice say, "OK, if you answer some questions I'm about to ask you."

Katie sighed. Here she was, being squashed to death by her fellow members of the Quidditch team and Oliver wanted to play Twenty Questions. "Fine, hurry up before I'm suffocated here!"

"Question One: Did Fred and George tell you anything which might have made you ask me that question?"

Katie struggled, trying to get out from under the pile of (crazy) people. "No, they didn't, not unless you count them arguing over their own Beater's Bats and daring me to ask you."

"Question Two: Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," Katie replied, annoyed.

"Question Three: Do I have twenty questions?"

"No, you have ten," grunted Katie, trying and failing to get up. "I will suffocate if you don't make it quick."

"Right. Question Four: Why are George and Alicia snogging?"

Katie rolled her eyes. "Because they like each other. Why can't you ask me these questions when I'm free from under here? Those four don't look like they're going to move anytime soon!"

"That's the point. That way, I get time to run if I say something wrong. Question Five: Would you rather go out with Fred or Marcus Flint?"

Katie sighed in frustration. "Fred, OK? Any more stupid questions?"

"Just a few. Question Six: George or Marcus Flint?"

"George, duh!"

"Question Seven: Harry or Marcus Flint?"

Katie blanched. "Ew, you have one sick mind, Ollie! Harry, I guess, but he's four years younger."

"Question Eight: Alicia or Marcus Flint?"

"I repeat, you have one sick mind. Flint, fine, you happy?"

"Question Nine: Me or Marcus Flint?"

Katie grinned evilly. "Oh, Marcus, of course, isn't it obvious?"

She heard Oliver spluttering.

She rolled her eyes. "Kidding, Ollie. You, duh! Why would I want to date Marcus Flint?"

He shrugged. "Dunno. Question Ten: What do you want for Christmas?"

"Some new dress robes, I guess. I've grown out of my old ones. Question Eleven: Can you help me out of here now?"

He grabbed her hand and somehow managed to pull her out from beneath the other four.

Katie suddenly asked, "Ollie, what do you want for Christmas?"

He looked a little taken aback by the question which had admittedly come out of the blue. "I dunno… new Keeping gloves?"

Katie frowned slightly. That was what Alicia was planning to get him. Looked like she would have to guess as to what to get him. "Oh… OK then."

Oliver looked at her strangely. "Was that just a random question?"

Katie waved her hand dismissively. "Sure, sure, whatever you say."

There had been an awful lot of questions asked today, Katie mused. And there was also the question of what exactly Oliver had told Fred and George that he didn't want her to know.

So many questions, but no answers.

Yet.

-----