Interview with a Crazy Person!
By: 1000th Ghost
Announcer: Welcome to...
Audience aka A Bunch of Random People: INTERVIEW WITH A CRAZY PERSON!!
Announcer: That's right! Interview with a Crazy Person, the show where we interview crazy people! And here's your host...Dr. Bliss!
Dr. Bliss: WHAT?! What is this crud? I ordered a cappuccino, not a...oh...um...hi everybody!
Audience: YAY!! SHE SAID HI TO ME!! I MUST BE SPECIAL!! You're not special, I am. No, I am! No, I am! No-
Dr. Bliss: SHUT UP YOU DERANGED MENTAL CASES!! Ahem. Bob! Where the heck's the guest?!
Announcer: Oh, yes! And now, please welcome our crazy person, Santiago!
Audience: Who?
Announcer: (sighs) The old man?
Audience: Huh?
Announcer: And the sea?
Audience: Oh. YAY!!
Santiago: Wha? Where am I?
Dr. Bliss: Oh, you poor soul. Everybody, let's have a moment of silence to remember that this creature is insane, and your life is much better than his ever will be.
Audience: (singing) TOOK MY BABY TO THE LOCAL DISCO! I WAS JUMPING LIKE A MANIAC! TILL THE OWNER CAME AND-
Dr. Bliss: Or you can just sing Weird Al stuff. Either way works.
Santiago: I-I don't think I should be here.
Dr. Bliss: Of course you should.
Santiago: Why?
Dr. Bliss: You get paid to do it.
Santiago: Ah yes, but what is money? Money is of no great importance. I almost had money once, but-
Dr. Bliss: Don't care! Skip the life story, unless I ask you about it. Ok, now please, sit down.
Santiago: (sits in a chair across from Dr. Bliss)
Dr. Bliss: Ok, now-
Santiago: (pretends to cast a fishing pole and reel in a fish)
Dr. Bliss: Um...what are you doing?
Santiago: Fishing.
Dr. Bliss: Fishing?
Santiago: Fishing.
Dr. Bliss: Fishing?
Santiago: Fishing.
Dr. Bliss: Fishing?
(four hours later)
Santiago: Fishing.
Dr. Bliss: Fishing?
Audience: (snore)
Announcer: AHEM... and NOW Dr. Bliss will INTERVIEW Santiago.
Dr. Bliss: Huh? Oh, right. First question. Fishing?
Audience: NOOOOOO!
Dr. Bliss: Oops, sorry. Wrong card. Oh, here it is. Tell me about yourself.
Santiago: I am a man. An old man. I like to fish. It is fun.
Dr. Bliss: (yawn) What do you see yourself doing five years from now?
Santiago: I'll be dead.
Dr. Bliss: Hmm...this is awkward. What do you consider your greatest strengths and weaknesses?
Santiago: I can fish. But I don't catch anything. Except for this one time-
Dr. Bliss: In what way do you think you'll contribute to our company?
Santiago: What does that have to do with anything? Where are you even getting these questions from?
Dr. Bliss: A website.
Santiago: A what?
Dr. Bliss: A magical land full of rainbows and flowers and happy bunnies that spend their days making hot coco.
Santiago: That sounds like a nice place. I want to live there. Are there lions?
Dr. Bliss: Um...do you want there to be lions?
Santiago: Of course. Otherwise, who would eat the bunnies?
Dr. Bliss: Do you want the bunnies to be eaten?
Santiago: Why yes. All things must be killed by one another. It is the cycle of life.
Dr. Bliss: So...you are of the belief that things should kill one another?
Santiago: Yes.
Dr. Bliss: O-kay...right then. Um...have you ever killed anyone?
Santiago: Yes. I killed my brother.
Audience: (gasp!)
Dr. Bliss: Oh my word! Your brother?
Santiago: Yes. Many of my brothers.
Announcer: We'll be right back, after these messages!
Some black dude: If you've been hurt in a car accident, of any kind of accident, you need a lawyer. Can you say lawyer?
Random beings: La...wha...um...no.
Some black dude: Our lawyers can help you get money. Can you say money?
Random beings: Mullah! Dough! Booty! Dinero!
Some black dude: Call The Lawyers Group. Call 1-800-677-2020.
Random beings: He spoke math! He spoke math!
Some black dude: Speak with a lawyer near you for free. Can you say free?
Random beings: (singing) TOOK MY BABY TO THE LOCAL DISCO! I WAS JUMPING LIKE A MANIAC!
Some black dude: Your lawyer gets paid, only if you collect money. If you don't collect, you don't pay. Get it?
Random beings: How long is this commercial?
Some black dude: So if you've been hurt in a car accident, or any kind of accident, call toll free. 1-800-677-2020. Call. 1-800-677-2020.
Random beings: But...I haven't been hurt in a car accident or any kind of accident!
Announcer: And now...BACK TO THE SHOW!!
Audience: YAY!!
Dr. Bliss: How many of your brothers did you kill, exactly?
Santiago: Oh, too many to count.
Dr. Bliss: Do you not like your family or something?
Santiago: I have no family.
Dr. Bliss: AWWWW. How sad. Come on everybody, on the count of three, lets all say AWWWW to the poor old man. One...two...three!
Audience: BOOBAH!!
Dr. Bliss: Good enough. So Santiago, did you kill your family?
Santiago: WHAT?! Of course not! What do you think I am, some kind of a murderer?!
Dr. Bliss: But you just said that you killed your brothers...
Santiago: And I did.
Dr. Bliss: But aren't your brothers part of your family?
Santiago: No! They're fish!
Dr. Bliss: (pulls out clipboard) Please, tell me more.
Santiago: Well, of course the fish are my brothers! That is why I must kill them!
Dr. Bliss: ...
Santiago: It is my civic duty as a brother of all creatures, to kill them.
Dr. Bliss: What, like with a gun?
Miss Scarlet: Oh, please. "Gun" sounds so trashy. The proper term is revolver.
Dr. Bliss: Miss Scarlet, have you ever considered being on "Interview with a Crazy Person?"
Miss Scarlet: (pulls out knife) Don't make me use this...
Dr. Bliss: (takes five steps backwards) Gees. Touchy. So, Santiago, did you kill your "brothers" with a REVOLVER?
Santiago: No, with my hand. I hit them on the head for kindness. Then I kick them.
Dr. Bliss: For...kindness?
Santiago: Yes.
Dr. Bliss: Do you think it is a KIND thing to kill someone?
Miss Scarlet: Yes.
Dr. Bliss: Nobody asked you! So Santiago, if you have no family, do you have any friends?
Santiago: No. Everybody hates me.
Dr. Bliss: Gee, I wonder why.
Santiago: Well, actually, there is the boy.
Dr. Bliss: "The boy"?
Santiago: Yes. He brings me food. Rice and sardines. But we don't eat it.
Dr. Bliss: What? Are you anorexic too?
Santiago: No, it's just that (leans over and whispers) the food isn't really there. It's just our "pretend".
Dr. Bliss: Hmm...eating imaginary food, are we?
Peter Pan: Duh. Haven't you ever done that?
Dr. Bliss: Who invited him?
Me: Peter!
Peter Pan: Who are you?
Me: Your soulmate.
Peter Pan: Cool! Wanna go live with me in an underground house, never have to grow up, fly, and fight pirates, with absolutely no adult supervision?
Me: Duh.
Peter Pan: (picks me up in his arms and flies away)
Dr. Bliss: We seriously have to tighten the security on this place.
Announcer: We'll be right back, after these messages!
Girl: This is my CAT!! This is my CAT!! Her name is ROSIE and she is my CCCCCAAAATTTT!!
Announcer: And now back to the show.
Dr. Bliss: Ok, now we're going to play a little word game. I'll say a word, and you say the first word that comes to mind.
Santiago: Steady Helga. Whatever you do, don't say Arnold!
Dr. Bliss: This conversation seems oddly familiar. Oh well. Love.
Santiago: Hate.
Dr. Bliss: Rocket. (thinking) If he says locket, I'm going to scream.
Santiago: Moon.
Dr. Bliss: Phew. Footba-
Santiago: The moon is my brother you know.
Dr. Bliss: I'm sure it is.
Santiago: So is the sun and the stars. But I'm not sure how to kill them.
Miss Scarlet: I could teach you! But then I'd have to kill you.
Dr. Bliss: SECURITY!
Security dude: (picks Miss Scarlet up and starts to carry her out of the room)
Miss Scarlet: Hey baby, how's it goin'? Now what's a big, strong, handsome man such as yourself doing with a low down job like security?
Security dude: I have no idea! How's about you and me-
Mr. Green: Don't even think about it!
Miss Scarlet: Johnny! I thought I killed you!
Mr. Green: You did, but is it ever written that you can't be a jealous lover even after you die?
Emily Cavanaugh Gracey: Nope!
Dr. Bliss: OUT! EVERYBODY OUT!!
Miss Scarlet, Mr. Green, Security dude, and Emily Cavanaugh Gracey: (grumble grumble leave)
Dr. Bliss: Now Santiago-
Santiago: Do you think that the ocean is a male or a female?
Dr. Bliss: I think the ocean is an inanimate object with no gender.
Santiago: (gasp) NEVER INSULT THE OCEAN IN FRONT IF ME!! (pulls out umbrella and points it at Dr. Bliss)
Dr. Bliss: (gasp)
Hagrid: Hey! That's my line!
Santiago: Now old man, don't do that. It will make you even more not right in the head.
Dr. Bliss: Ah yes. Admitting to yourself that you have a problem. That is the first step to recovery. Of course, there is the fact that you're talking to yourself, but that can be expected.
Santiago: Actually, I was talking to the fish.
Dr. Bliss: The fish?
Santiago: The BIG fish. MY big fish.
Dr. Bliss: Um...right. So Santiago, do you have any other hobbies, besides fishing?
Santiago: I like to stab my knife into things.
Miss Scarlet: Me too!
Santiago: Especially oars.
Miss Scarlet: ...
Dr. Bliss: GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!!
Miss Scarlet: (leaves to find Mr. Green)
Dr. Bliss: (glances at the clock, which says that they have seven hours to go) Well...we're almost out of time. Anything you'd like to say before you go, Santiago?
Santiago: Yes. Where do you buy luck?
Dr. Bliss: Buy luck?
Santiago: Because I need some.
Dr. Bliss: You can't buy luck.
Santiago: Where can you?
Dr. Bliss: NOWHERE!
Santiago: I will pay any price.
Dr. Bliss: You can't buy luck! It's not for sale!
Santiago: Do you have any luck? Will you sell it to me?
Dr. Bliss: NO!! YOU CAN'T BUY LUCK!!
Santiago: Here fishy fishy fishy...
Mrs. Nuckles: Yes dear?
Santiago: Honey! You're alive!
Mrs. Nuckles: Am I ever! I've discovered the joys of torturing children!
Santiago: That's wonderful!
Mrs. Nuckles: Did you know that some little brats actually made a website on how evil I am?
Santiago: A website? You mean a magical land full of rainbows and flowers and happy bunnies that spend their days making hot coco?
Mrs. Nuckles: I guess. That sounds like a nice place.
Santiago: Wanna go live there?
Mrs. Nuckles: Only if it has lions.
Dr. Bliss: AHHHHH!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??
Santiago: Lots of things!
Miss Scarlet: I'm baaaaaaaaaaack!!
Dr. Bliss: FOR THE LAST TIME, GET OUT OF H-
Miss Scarlet: (stab)
Dr. Bliss: (die)
Audience: YAY!! VIOLENCE!!
Announcer: Ahhhh! You killed my wife!
Miss Scarlet: So?
Announcer: I was just gonna say thanks. But why'd you do it?
Miss Scarlet: I was hired.
Announcer: By who?
Miss Scarlet: Helga.
Helga: You're not supposed to tell anyone that you moron!
Miss Scarlet: (pulls out knife) Don't make me use this.
Announcer: Ok then, fine. Why did you kill, or at least get an assassin, to kill my wife?
Helga: I was afraid she'd give away my secret.
Audience: What secret?
Helga: Um...
Audience: Suspense!
Helga: Like I'd ever tell any of you morons!
Arnold: Hey, I know now, so what's the point of keeping it a secret?
Helga: Arnold?! WHERE THE HECK DID YOU COME FROM?!
Arnold: I was in the audience.
Helga: Oh...
Audience: Oooh! Awkward silence!
Helga: Yeah...well...
Arnold: Helga, there's something I have to tell you. I lov-
Announcer: EVERYBODY GET OUT OF MY SHOW!!
Everybody: Your show?
Announcer: Well someone's gonna have to take over.
Random speaker: (singing) Stories told from friends next door, that they never told...
Everybody: Huh?
Random speaker: (singing) You might be a star tonight, so let that camera roll...
Announcer: GET OUT OF HERE! I'M ON THE AIR IN FIVE SECONDS!
Random speaker: (still singing) You know red and white and blue...oh the funny things you do! America, America, this is you!
New Announcer: And here's your host...BOB SAGET!!
Announcer: Welcome, to AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS!!
Everybody: You're Bob Saget?!
Announcer: Security!
Santiago: Let's go fishing in my boat/disco!!
Everybody: (singing) TOOK MY BABY TO THE LOCAL DISCO! I WAS JUMPING LIKE A MANIAC! TILL THE OWNER CAME AND PULLED ME OFF THE FLOOR AND HE- (singing fades out as they leave)
Random speaker: (singing) You know red and white and blue...oh the funny things you do! America, America, thiiiiiiiis iiiiiiiiiis yooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!