In a world where the sex wars are no longer a metaphor…in a world where sexual segregation has reached the point of all out warfare…a world where space has become the stage for the final showdown in the eternal fight between man and women…One Man ventures where no other man has gone before…into a woman's heart.
Yet another idea came to me over the summer. They're unstoppable. I just had to write this. But I guess, with 6 other stories to finish, I just can't manage this one. Which is why I'm probably going to leave it to a friend of mine to write up. But this first chapter was entirely written by me, so enjoy.
This story was inspired by the anime Vandread. Don't worry if you've never seen it before.
If you like the idea and would like to see it continued, please review. I appreciate your support. Thanks.
Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina, Negima or VanDread. Thank you.
Proof-read by Apocalypse Alchemist.
Chapter 1: For Grandpa and Gender!
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'Females…the most vile creatures in the universe…they used to enslave men…toyed with them…torture them….eat their livers fresh. Nothing delighted this deranged race more than the screams of agony of a dying man. Their disproportionate body…their twisted faces…their wicked claws of steel…nothing is more terrible than a woman's wrath. Women…are the scourge of the universe.
'This is why the inhabitants of the planet Otoko, the last sanctuary of free men, have vowed to combat the female menace and once and for all rid the universe of their vile race. Swear to Grandpa! The father of all men! Swear to him, the one who had delivered us from the evil Grandma, that thou shall continue his holy crusade against those monstrosities of nature.
'Today…with the launching of our ship, the TA-Sou, we vow to carry the fight to the women and finally liberate all men from the threat of the female menace. This ship, the old colony ship that Grandpa had utilized in his daring escape from the vile females, has been reborn with a new quest. To once again liberate us from the females….this time, forever. That is why, children of Grandpa, sons of Otoko, rise! Fight for glory, honour, and pride! You, everyone of the second generation, I bid you the best of luck. May Grandpa smile upon you all!'
The crowds cheered as the colonel of the Otoko Armed Forces (OAF) finished his speech. Everyone stood up to attention and saluted as the Otoko national anthem played. Some wept with pride. Some shook with emotions. Some…such as third-generation-slash-good-for-nothing-trash Keitaro Urashima…merely swore at the television screen and got on with whatever they were doing. In Keitaro the janitor/repairman/parts-engineer's case, this involved cleaning out the trash….doing so inconspicuously while trying to complete a bet he had made with his other third-generation mates earlier at lunch…to steal an OAF Vanguard. (This is what the Otoko Men's digest magazine had to say about the Vanguards-tired of flying last year's SUPER-COOL-HYPER-INTERCEPTOR? Tired of losing to the female Dreads? Tired of being inferior to your neighbour who just happened to buy the newest version of the Otoko Mega-car? Then make a big splash by stomping the said Mega-car with your very own Vanguard – the all new standard issue military mechanized humanoid battle suit. At over 15 metres high, it's guaranteed to fit in any domestic garage. Order yours today, and get the chance to get yourself one of the limited edition super special polka-dot Vanguards with optional x-ray vision - perfect for those long lonely nights. Call 123-MY-VANGUARD for more details)
Unfortunately, to steal a vanguard, particularly the vanguard with the specific ID number they had agreed on, he would have to sneak onboard the TA-Sou and somehow break into the secure hangar. He had gotten as far as the cargo depot where they were loading the tons of weaponry that were specifically designed to destroy females (No details from the Otoko Men's digest magazine here. The weekly Gun-Nut's Choice magazine does have an article on it though. But in order not to breach the local UN human rights statute on sexual equality, no further elaboration will be done). Now all he had to do was sneak into the ship itself. Piece of cake!
Or so he thought….
The only way in was through the TA-Sou's cargo bay. And obviously, the only thing that goes in there is cargo. With guards everywhere, there was no other way. Keitaro had squeeze in with a crateful of live ammunition. Oh joy…
Meanwhile, on the other side of the ship, someone else had decided to take advantage of the ship's presence as betting material. A particularly hopeful third generation 10-year old was desperately crawling through the ship's convenient maze-like ventilation system(which, strangely, are existent and unsecured in every single interstellar battleship and are always conveniently placed for enterprising intruders). He had had a hard time squeezing in through ship's waste disposal system and had run in with a few automated sentries as he navigated the ship's waste dumps.
He too had taken up the 'steal-a-vanguard' bet. Unbeknownst to both him and Keitaro, their friends were also betting on who'd return first with the vanguard. In fact, both had been set to steal the same vanguard. That's friendship for you…
Negi Springfield had just finally made it to the ventilation duct overlooking the hangar bay when the ship suddenly shook violently. The deafening roar of the ship's plasma engines threatened to tear apart his eardrums as he tried to read his watch. 'This can't be right…they're launching two hours ahead of schedule.'
Keitaro Urashima, meanwhile, was trying his best to bypass a biometric lock on the hangar door. He had tried the fake fingerprint trick with plastic gloves and oil spray, only to find that the biometric lock was a lot smarter than he had expected. With 10 seconds left until the alarms sounded, he had no choice but to try and bypass the system.
"Please submit an authorized hand print in10 seconds…" The computer cordially said to him.
"Damn it…" Keitaro swore under his breath as he spliced a pair of wires. Suddenly, the ship chose to shudder violently at that exact time, throwing Keitaro off his feet and into the wall.
"6 seconds…" The computer announced.
"N…no…" Keitaro reached out as far as he could. He only had to connect the wires…
"3 seconds…" He strained every muscle in his body…
"1 sec…" The computer went blank as the doors slid open. He shielded his ears as the engine's roar shook the ship. He sighed a breath of relief as he looked about the hangar. Just a bit more, he thought.
As to why the ship launched 2 hours ahead of schedule, the colonel was getting so impatient to prove his worth to the females that he had ordered the launch as soon as the speech was finished. "Why wait? Time is of the essence. Every second counts in our struggle against the females!" he shouted at the bridge.
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Meanwhile, in the ship's function room, a party was going on…
"Hey, when we get back to Otoko, do you wanna go with me to the baby factory and clone a baby together?" one of the smartly dressed officers said to another.
"Sure thing. Hey, Shirai! Haitani! Kentaro! What on earth are you doing? Come here and enjoy the food!" The other officer shouted.
"First lieutenant Shirai, reporting, sir!" Shirai immediately sprung up to the officer and saluted.
"Calm down, Shirai. It's not as if we're about to go to battle just yet." Haitani said, shaking his head, sighing.
"Yeah. I heard we're only going to test out the ship's systems first before actually going to war." Kentaro said, striding up to the group. "Have you checked out the new vanguards, by the way?"
"Ah…yes. The Colonel was just about to make another speech on that." One of the officers said. "Speak of the devil…"
Just then, the colonel walked up to a raised platform at one end of the function room. All the men in the room promptly stood to attention and saluted.
"At ease, men." He beamed at them. His men. HIS men. They were all ready to fight to the death. Mostly to earn him a promotion. Yep. "Welcome onboard the TA-Sou. As you know, you were chosen from among the best the second generation has to offer. Be proud. Off course, we will not be sending you off to battle empty-handed. After all, we wouldn't want to give those females a feast, do we not?" The room was filled with polite laughter. It probably didn't dawn on the colonel that his jokes were lame. It didn't matter anyway. Subordinates were there to laugh obediently at any of his jokes.
"Which is why Grandpa has given you the best that Otoko ingenuity has to offer." He boomed, as a large screen lowered behind him. The lights promptly dimmed. Someone in the room tripped and swore. The screen lit up. Everyone gasped in pretend awe.
"Tired of flying last year's SUPER-COOL-HYPER-INTERCEPTOR? Tired of losing to the female Dreads? Tired of being inferior to your neighbour who just happened to buy the newest version of the Otoko Mega-car? Then make a big splash by stomping the said Mega-car with your very own Vanguard – the all new standard issue military mechanized humanoid battle suit. At over 15 metres high, it's guaranteed to fit in any domestic garage…" The screen showed a number of vanguards primping and flexing its mechanical muscles as thousands of what looked like fiendish monsters threw blazing fireballs at it to no avail.
"This, my comrades, is what the females are up against. Show them what they have to fear from you, for you are the second generation! Grandpa's finest!" The colonel shouted, hitting a button on his podium. The wall behind him slid open slowly, revealing the hangar full of vanguards.
Everyone gasped in , again, pretend awe.
Then everyone stared.
Two people seemed to be desperately clawing one of the vanguards while trying to push the other away.
"It's mine!" the taller one shouted.
"No! I was here first! Be fair!" The smaller 10 year old one shouted.
"…What in the name of Grandpa's BEEEEEEP are you doing there!" The colonel shouted. "GUARDS! SEIZE THEM!" He screamed in fury. He didn't care what those kids were there for. He didn't even care about the vanguards. He was only worried about whether or not it made him look bad and whether or not it ruined his chances for a promotion.
"SHUT UP!" The two people clinging onto the vanguard shouted, annoyed at the interruption. Then it dawned on them that the entire ship's crew was watching them.
"Oopps…I didn't know there was a door there…" Keitaro whispered.
"Me neither…last minute changes to the schematics, maybe?" Negi whispered back.
A horde of guards where charging at them. They looked at one another. "RUN!" they both screamed, leaping off the vanguard. What ensued was a lunatic game of cat and mouse as the entire function room turned into a chaotic frenzy of hands and feet, all scrabbling in what seemed to be a mutual direction.
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A minute later saw Keitaro and Negi thrown into the brig-slash-storeroom, handcuffed, angry, and sentenced to a painful public execution. Meanwhile, back on planet Otoko, their really nice and caring friends who had bet on which one of them would get back fastest were forking over their bets to the third group who were the even nicer friends who bet that neither of them were coming back anyway.
"Very well. Begin the target trials. Prepare the exterior guns." The colonel shouted as he swept regally into the bridge. "And please, please, no more jokes. Nothing like 'the pirates are coming!' . I don't think I can handle any more frustration right now."
"THE PIRATES ARE COMING!" One of the radar officers shouted.
"Are you desperate for a pounding, soldier! I said…" the colonel burst out.
"SIR! I MEAN IT! FEMALE PIRATES! STARBOARD!"
Everyone simultaneously looked to the left. Obviously, they saw nothing.
"STARBOARD MEANS RIGHT!" The officer added in panic, realizing that his chances of surviving the female onslaught with a navy-illiterate crew was next to nothing.
Everyone turned to the right in unison. Then they saw it. A large turtle-like affair that was indiscriminately shooting down the other OAF battleships, loomed up in front of them.
"IT'S THE FEMALES! RALLY NOW, MEN! FOR NOW IS YOUR CHANCE TO PROVE YOUR WORTH!" The colonel screamed hysterically. "SCRAMBLE THE VANGUARD PILOTS!"
"But sir, scrambling them?" One of the officers asked uncertainly.
"It's a military term for sending them out on a sortie, you bum. Now get to it." The colonel said, looking his dim officer in the eye. "COME NOW, FEMALES! THIS MAN'S BLOOD BOILS FOR ACTION!" He screamed up at the turtle-like vessel.
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Thousands of inexperienced and utterly idiotic vanguard pilots boarded the vanguards in the function room and immediately fired up their boosters before realizing there was no way out of the function room. In the process, they burned the red velvet carpet that lined the function room floor. The unfortunate trio, Shirai, Haitani, and Kentaro, had taken to taking cover under a large bronze statue of the great Grandpa, now missing its head, courtesy of one of the aforementioned idiotic vanguard pilots.
Meanwhile, outside, dozens of female Dreads were making quick work of the OAF battleships' defense systems. (This is what the Otoko Men's digest have to say about female Dreads – they are the utterly vicious looking minions of the females which the females ride as they trample unfortunate men under their hooves. These…err…'cool' looking-for the lack of a better description- interceptors are the mainstay of the female hordes and though, off course, they are inferior to the male vanguards, they are quite formidable. In fact, to be honest, the only way you could win against a female dread with a vanguard is by outnumbering them 6 to 1. They are, truly and honestly, cool. – shortly after this article was published, the editor was put in prison for anti-government propaganda).
The vanguards (at least, the ones who made it out of their flagship) were desperately trying to hold off the female invasion by literally holding onto the female dreads. All they actually achieved was blocking the female pilot's view.
"Grrr…what's wrong with these males…" One of the Dread pilots muttered under her breath as she tried to shake off a stubborn Vanguard that was clinging onto her windshield. "Can they actually fight?"
"Calm down and concentrate, Asuna. We've got more important things to concentrate on." A voice said through her COM. "Our target is the enemy flagship. Grandma Hina wants it intact. Cover the insertion teams and take out the main defenses."
"I'd love to do that, Naru-sempai, but I can't get this…ahh…there…the wipers actually work." Asuna said with satisfaction as her laser windshield wipers blew off the unfortunate vanguard. "Motoko-sempai! Some of those battleships seem to be going for the HI-Na. Should we pull our squadron out of the attack and go cover our flagship?"
"Setsuna's squadron will take care of that. You worry about the insertion teams." A voice replied over the COM. "COME ON GIRLS! LET'S GIVE'EM HELL!" The voice shouted.
As one, the Dread squadrons swooped down and bombarded the OAF flagship, the TA-Sou. Trailing behind them were the pirate marine figates, the spearhead of the insertion.
"Ready, girls? Once we break in, the first objective is to secure the bridge and sub-bridge. Capture any man you encounter. If they resist, destroy them. If they start begging you not to eat their livers, ignore them." The leader of the insertion team onboard the marine frigate, Manna Tatsumiya, said. "All right…don your helmets! Pressurize your suits!" She ordered. "Remember, contact with anything male, even the air they breath, will instantly cause you to contract Male coodies. Is that understood? Otherwise you'll have to spend an entire afternoon in Ako Izumi's decontamination room." All the girls nodded gravely. "Oh, and off course, have fun." Manna added. All the girls onboard the ship giggled.
"FEMALES RULE!" Manna shouted, throwing a fist into the air.
"FOREVER!" The entire crew shouted.
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Meanwhile, oblivious to the battle outside, two unfortunate males were trying to free themselves from their less than liberal position on the floor of the brig cell. An ermine-shaped sentry robot had come in earlier and shocked them a couple of times for calling it weird. The said robot was now smoking in a corner of the room, talking about its life in the Italian mob. Vowing to hammer its short-circuited brain when he got out, Keitaro continued to struggle to release himself from his handcuffs.
Somehow, he actually managed to get them off.
Little did he know, in a short while, he would again be in chains.
To be continued…
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