Chapter one: A Sad Pathetic Loser, With A Shit And Non-Existent Social Life
I wake up to the words "fucking whore" or "slutty bitch" nearly every morning, i learnt a long time ago to never get involved or else i just get shouted at or called something like "a sad pathetic loser, with a shit and non-existent social life". My family are such nice people aren't they? Ok what they say is true i am sad, and i have been since the 1nd of December 2011. I should probably tell you that it is now late December 2012, which is right i have been sad for over an entire year! Pathetic loser - that is a tad harsh, as i am popular and have lots of friends. Well i used to, not really anymore, which then leads on to explain the non-existent social life. Actually reading this back to myself i do conclude that i am in fact a pathetic loser.
Welcome to my shit-whole of a life.
I should also inform you that my name is Bart, well Bartholomew. Bartholomew McQueen, by the oh i hear, i take it you have heard of the McQueen's? Feel sorry for me yet? When i tell you about the rest of my life, you soon will be.
It all began on the 4th of August 2010, yes over two whole years previously. On the day of my step-mum Joan's funeral, i don't really want to go into that in too much detail. I had always known i was a McQueen, and i sure lived up to the surname, when i was little my dad would tell me stories about Myra and the girls, and all the things they got up to. I knew i wanted to be like them. So after Joan died, dad – that fucked up shit bag, had decided he had, had enough of me and my teenage shit and packed me off to auntie Myra's. He said "son, auntie Myra always takes in strays and you'll love it there, that lot are just as fucked up as you." And that was that packed off to auntie Myra's. In all fairness i do fit in well here and i met the love of my life and even when things got ... difficult, shall we say, i tried my best. And when we couldn't be together i tried to get over it but couldn't. I ended up with Sinead, by rebound girl, who now seems to be my forever girl even if i can't forget about Jase. No matter whether he was a boy or a girl, he rocked and was amazing to be around. But now that is all over and in the past as Jason moved away to California to start a fresh, with his dad.
I can't believe how long he has been gone, i really did expect him to be a few weeks and then he would come back crying, i mean he has left so much behind he doesn't speak to anyone back in Hollyoaks as he doesn't want his new friends to know about Jasmine. He left so much, his brother, his sister, his mum, me and most importantly his twin! He hasn't spoken to his twin in over a bloody year. What kind of a selfish bastard doesn't speak to their twin in over a year? You can clearly tell I'm not over him either, waffling on like this. Jason this. Jasmine that.
After i had been stabbed by Fern, a girl that was blackmailing Jas, my girlfriend at the time Jas finally came clean to me about Jason. Ok, so i admit, my handling of the situation wasn't the best it could have been. If i remember it went something like:
Flashback
"I'm telling you, that I'm a boy"
I shake my head in confusion, it was completely and utterly mind blowing, at the time.
"In this body, this girl's body"
What? I ask her, i look at her face i can see it in her eyes, she isn't joking, she really means this.
She swallows, raises her eyebrows, i don't think she actually believes these words are coming out of her mouth. "That's why it was weird for me" she sits with her mouth slightly open, just so you can see her top front teeth.
I turn away from her, i can't bear to look at her after what she has told me, i love her and i knew (even then) i always would. But still, i look forward, my face is screwed up in confusing, i say: weird, i shake my head as i say the next bit, i can't quite believe this is happening: you're a freak. I tell her. My hands are by my sides palms facing up upwards, arms out wider than my shoulders.
"Oh, no" she whispers with her hands placed together finger tips right by her mouth (that lovely mouth of hers, stop Bart stop, i think to myself, think about what she has just told you, you're not gay Bart your just not!) "I dunno what else to say" she tells me really fast, her hands shaking and falling to the bed beside mine.
I shake my head and lean back on pillow i turn completely away from her now, almost in tears because i love her so much, i would have done anything for her, literally anything except now i couldn't she had to go: Get out. I turn towards her, stare at her face it almost breaks me, but no i know what i need to do: I said get out.
She stands up, i feel terrible, i really do. "Bart" she gives me this look, her eyes, the sadness in them. But i can't deal with it; i mean her timing wasn't great was it, really.
NOW! I shout at her. She turns and walks towards the door, in tears she sighs and pulls open the door. I look away, because i know that if i don't i will just tear off the bed sheets and run down the corridors after her.
Present day
I know what i said at the time was wrong, but i wasn't thinking straight. My girlfriend had just told me she wanted to be a boy! How was i supposed to react? And what i said last, about running after her. I wish i had done just that. Then maybe, she wouldn't have had to cut herself, or jump in front of the car i was driving or any of the other messed up shit that happened. I will tell you why none of that shit would have happened, because i would have been there, to hold her, to comfort her and kiss her beautiful soft lips and run my hands through her delicate blonde hair.
I know what you're thinking: I am Bart McQueen where do i get all the mushy stuff from? Jas/Jase, he/she whatever that is who does it too me. I mean look at me with Sinead i ain't like that with her. I'll tell you about her now...
So after all the drama with Jasmine Costello, i needed a girl who would take my mind off of my ex-girlfriend who wanted to be my boyfriend. And i found a rebound in Sinead O'Connor, a pretty fit well proportioned female! See what i mean when i about Jas it is all marshmallows and rainbows, where as Sinead is all body and nothing else. She was the perfect rebound. She slowly she started to become more than that, especially once Jas became Jason full time and i realised we could only ever be friends. It broke my heart as well as hers to have to say that but i don't know it just didn't feel right.
Anyway to prove me and Sinead were serious to our families we ran away together, but we ran out of money and Jason came to help and well we got ourselves into a sticky situation and me and Jase declared our love for each other and had a passionate kiss. Which Sinead found out about (from us) and dumped me. She got with a local bad boy Gaz and was gonna go travelling with him. Until i went to London with Jason and crashed a concert to prove my love for her.
Any way things were great, until Jason decided to leave Hollyoaks and i became more broken than ever. Sinead and i parted ways amicably just before the new year in 2011 and have stayed friends, i seem to be friends with all of my ex's Sinead, Jason and Maddie. And soon after Sinead and i spilt i started to only see my friends at school and i stopped socialising with my family, not that we ever did that much anyway. (So that must be saying something).
So yer this is me now i am 17 year old lad with no job, no money, no friends, no girlfriend, no family (close family), no life nothing what do i have to live for? That is what i want to know. What do i Bartholomew McQueen have to live for? I say this as i am standing on the edge of price slice in the village, where it all began and what it shall all end, right now. Don't ask me how i got up here i am a little tipsy. Ok i am about to top myself, don't really need to lie. I am fucking pissed. Like never before, it is now one of the only two things i do in my life. That is get drunk (by myself) and go to sleep (where ever i am).
As one of my hands lets go of the wall a taxi draws up to the village, more people to watch me good i like to make a good show for people.