This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
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You have 4 new messages.
Britta: I'm not falling 4 that again. C u l8r.
Abed: Do you have corporeal form?
Troy: This is like the beginning of that Inspector Spacetime episode where the internet starts eating people! Don't click on the alien wifi!
Annie: Do you know who you are? Did you bump your head? Hold up your hand and count how many fingers you're holding up. Is there any blood on you?
Incoming call: Annie
Call ended.
I don't have enough battery for calls. It's dark. I'm outside. I'm not injured. I definitely exist. I haven't been eaten by the internet but I have NO IDEA where I am. Can't get enough bars for Google maps. Any ideas?
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You have 3 new messages
Troy: You've been mapcrunched for real? I am so jealous right now. Usually I try to find a road first. Unless there are penguins. That's a game over.
Abed: Check for penguins. If no, proceed to road. Did you press anything other than N?
Annie: Thank goodness you're ok. When it wouldn't connect I thought you'd fallen unconscious. Check for any identifying landmarks. Or a road.
Guys this is NOT mapcrunch! I didn't just appear out of thin air. That doesn't actually happen. I hear road noise. I'll text when I find it.
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Britta: shit I thought u were hounding me. This is 4 realsies? Were u at a bar? I no this may b hard but its possible u were assaulted. U dont have 2b ashamed. Men can b victims of male assault 2. If u need sum1 2 talk 2 im right here.
I'm pretty sure men are the only victims of male assault. And I was not assaulted so you don't get to therapize me better. The only assault I've suffered is your 90s text speak assaulting my eyeballs.
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I'm ok, haven't been assaulted or mugged. Just don't remember how I got here. Doesn't feel like a hangover. Do have a killer headache tho. Don't tell Annie, she'll panic. Thanks.
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Pierce: \gay.,
I've found a freeway. Can't see any signs. Why is this happening? Whose god did I offend?
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You have 3 new messages
Troy: Cool - just travel up the freeway til you hit an exit. You can go faster by clicking really far away.
Annie: You should walk away from the freeway. It's on the edge of town and you probably wouldn't have managed to cross it on foot so you must be walking away from town.
Shirley: There is only one true God Jeffrey. Your refusal to believe is probably what got you in this mess in the first place. I'm praying for your soul.
Troy, I can't walk up the freeway, and I definitely can't click my way up it. This is NOT mapcrunch. Shirley, thank you for your judgement. I'm going to walk away from the freeway and hopefully towards town.
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Guys, I'm back where I started and I just tripped over an empty bottle of chloroform. Why have I been chloroformed? Annie, if this is you teaching me another lesson I'll use real bullets this time.
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You have 6 new messages
Troy: Dude! Tell me you didn't just threaten to kill Annie!
Shirley: Oh Jeffrey, that's not nice. Your soul's on its own.
Britta: Ur such a jag. Apologize right now.
Abed: Reference to some sort of side adventure. Cool cool cool. It can't have been Annie though. I made her tip her chloroform away after she used it on the landlord.
Annie: Why would you assume it's me? You've made it perfectly clear that I have nothing to teach you that you'd be interested in learning. And I know you think I'm crazy but I don't just go around chloroforming people.
Pierce: Way to be a dick winger
Oh my god! Are we in high school? It was a joke!
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Come on guys
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Ok. I'm sorry. Especially to Annie. My humor may be a bit shot as I appear to be recovering from being chloroformed. I still have no idea where I am.
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You have 6 new messages
Shirley: Baby Jesus would forgive you. I do too.
Troy: It's ok man. That stuff is harsh. Annie used it on me when I left the toilet seat up.
Pierce: pussy.-: Never apologize,
Annie: Apology accepted. Can you see something to figure out where you are yet?
Abed: Do you have a compass app?
Britta: Ur on ure way to lonerville if you don't stop being such a douche.
Pierce, that is never appropriate. I don't have a compass app and can't get 3g signal to download one. I still can't see anything that places me. There are just pine trees. I guess that means I'm still in Colorado.
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You have 2 new messages
Pierce: Man up winger a little insult wont hurt you:*
Abed: I think you might be in the Greendale black hole. Keep going.
Abed this isn't Inspector Spacetime either
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I just fell down a bank and rolled into a football goal. I think I might be on the sports field...
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You have 3 new messages
Annie: Oh my! Are you ok? Does anything hurt?
Shirley: Be careful Jeffery. I hope you are ok.
Britta: Ha! Karmas a bitch
Thanks for your concern ladies. Especially Britta. I'm in the school parking lot. Thanks for all your help. I'm gonna go home now and shower, I smell strangely of fish. I have no idea why I woke up on the middle of nowhere smelling of fish. Let's chalk it down to Greendale final year high jinks. I'll see you guys next week for start of term. Jeff.
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