Everyone's eyes were on us as we entered the Great Hall. Me, the female stranger standing intimately close to their Potions Master, supporting him, the wheels behind their eyes whirring with the sudden realization, but most importantly, Severus, half supporting himself on a cane and me, his left arm and leg still mostly paralyzed and a tremor in his right hand. They had never seen their aloof teacher so vulnerable. Human.
It had been a year, a year of Hickman Lines, stress, uncertainty, pain and estimations of when his voice would return and when the tremor and paralysis will stop, 'Oh, he'll be speaking by winter!' 'The tremor will stop eventually!' 'The paralysis will go away once his nerves regrow!' His voice had only just come back before this event, it was raspy and weak, but it still was his voice.
He had a Hickman Line placed for Blood Replenishing and antivenom potions as well as a healthy dose of antibiotics because no one could be sure what Nagini could be carrying and as well as a feeding tube. He could not use is throat for three months afterward. Us magic users aren't afraid of Muggle contraptions went it benefits us.
Today, there would be no classes. The students were asked not to wear uniforms, just plain Hogwarts memorabilia without a House affiliation and not to sit at their assigned table, to mix with other Houses. Teachers and staff were not to sit at the staff table, but instead amongst the students. Today was not about lessons or House competition, it was about healing.
Severus' strength had yet to return fully, and he tired quickly and easily. We didn't dawdle, on our way to a table. We sat down at the end of the Slytherin table, already cheating a bit and away from most everyone else, but I knew Severus just wanted to sit down and I didn't want to push him past his physical and comfort limits. I couldn't help but remember all the times Severus and I sat together at this table when we were young and dating; how he'd help me with potions homework even though my mistakes frustrated him and left us bickering; how he'd hold my hand under the table like he was doing now.
McGonagall stepped up to the same podium Dumbledore had stood behind for so many years. Her eyes were red with hidden tears. "Today is a difficult day," She said, "but we will get through it together. Today is for remembrance and healing. Professor Dumbledore had a myriad of positive affirmations about death and the loss of a loved one. He would be much better suited for this task than me. However, we are here to remember and celebrate his life as well."
Eyes fell on Severus and McGonagall made a point not to look at him, not out of anger or disgust, but not to accuse him.
"Our dear Headmaster once said, 'Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.' It is today, we light the candle to grant us that light and we celebrate the lives that have come and gone. If you have something to share about those we have lost, please come up." She spoke with the same grace and eloquence as ever, but she allowed her emotions to show, she was grieving, too.
She moved away from the podium and sat down at the Slytherin table. She looked about as comfortable as Severus if he had sat at the Gryffindor table, but she was trying.
Students and teachers, one after one, some in groups, some alone, came up and spoke about their lost friends and loved ones. Not just in the battle, but in both wars. Students spoke about teachers, teachers spoke about students. They mentioned how they missed a parent's hugs, how a friend's smile could make you feel better after a terrible day, all how they wished their loved one was here right now.
The choir came up with Flitwick and sang an ancient dirge for the lost. There were two soloists, a young man, maybe 16, sang a beautiful rendition of 'The Parting Glass.' Following him was a young woman, perhaps 17 sang 'Landslide' by Fleetwood Mac. I was surprised to hear a Muggle song but no one could have chosen a better song. Neither of their voices faltered.
Tears were flowing freely throughout the day, some students taking off for the restroom for composure.
McGonagall took to the podium after the student was finished singing.
"I have an exercise that I feel will be beneficial for all of us." Smooth stones and art supplies appeared in front of us, "In front of you are stones. They are heavy and cumbersome, just like the grief we are all feeling right now. On your stone, with the ink in front of you, I want you to write what is holding you down; your grief, your guilt, your anxiety. At the end of the day, we shall throw them in the lake and leave here without them."
Severus made no move to decorate his stone, but I did one for him. I had very little idea what he was struggling with, survivors guilt, grief and I had no right to name it for him, so I simply drew bubbling potion bottles.
There was a lull in the planned activities as most of us worked with our stones. I wanted the perfect green for my potion bottle but didn't see it or any colors I could mix. Everyone was wandering freely through the Hall, talking, hugging, consoling and searching for their desired colors.
"I'll be right back. Will you be okay?" I asked Severus.
"I am perfectly capable of fending for myself for five minutes."
Severus hated dependence and he had just spent a year's worth of it in his medically fragile state.
I squeezed his shoulder, knowing how to pick my battles with him and went in search of the green color. I found the color at in the middle of the Hufflepuff table. I glanced a look at Severus to check on him. I saw Harry Potter and Severus talking. There was no animosity in the air between them. Harry offered his hand and Severus hesitated a moment, before accepting the shake.
A young blonde student came up to me, distracting me from the scene. She a bit nervous, "Is he okay?" She asked as she wrung her hands.
I nodded, "He's a lot better than he has been. He will be."
"I sure hope so." She said, relief in her voice, "My parents are on me about my Potions grade. I don't think I can make it without him. I like Slughorn and all, but gets off topic all the time and starts talking about old students. Like, yeah, that's cool you know the guy who wrote 10,001 Practical Potions but my parents aren't paying all this money for you to tell your stories." A look of panic drew across her face, "He is coming back to teach Potions, right?"
I smiled, "He wants to be back next year, but maybe the Spring semester."
The girl sighed, "Okay, I can work with that." She said, wandering off.
I returned to Severus and didn't bring up his conversation with Potter. He'll tell me if he wants.
"What did Hopkins want?" Severus asked, suspicion in his voice.
"She wanted to know when you'd be back. She prefers you over Slughorn."
Severus scoffed.
I nudged him gently, grinning, "Take a compliment."
Severus watched, uninterested as I colored in my potions bottle.
After everyone was finished or just about, McGonagall returned to the podium. "Before we head to the lake," She said as she put on her square glasses and unfurled a scroll of parchment, "I'd like for us all take a moment to remember everyone we lost as I read their names,"
"Lavender Brown."
"Colin Creevey."
"Cedric Diggory."
The list was short, but still unnecessarily long. No one needed to die, not the children, not the adults. Sobs and cheers were heard as a name was spoken, cheers of pride in their loved one.
"Now, let us have a moment of silence for all we have lost," McGonagall said as she closed her eyes and bowed her head. The Great Hall fell as silent as I ever heard it.
"Let us make our way to the lake."
I stood and helped Severus up and kept a firm but gentle grip on his hand should he fall.
Severus watched as students and staff lobbed their stones and grief into the lake. Some quietly tossed them, others roared with pain as though the emotions were being physically ripped from their bodies.
"You need to let go of yours, love," I said, gently, offering him the stone.
He thought for a moment. Then, Severus took the stone and threw it as hard as he could.