DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN MASS EFFECT.
A/N: PLEASE ENJOY AND FEEL FREE TO REVIEW!
It was during some down time on the Normandy, the day crew was getting in high spirits. Liquor was abundant in the port side lounge and a good chunk of them were starting to feel the effects. EDI, not able to consume liquids like her biological counterparts had made an off hand comment about the amount of swearing the crew did. Remarking on several studies that had been published a few years back on how it made for a better and less stressful work environment if swearing was prohibited.
"Then we might as well start a swear jar," piped up a tipsy Kasumi, flailing her arm back and forth, causing her bright pink drink to slosh in her cup.
"Yeah. The Commander here has the mouth of a sailor," chuckled a far gone Garrus, pointing towards Shepard.
Tali burst out laughing, "Oh my goddess! Garrus made a joke! Shepard is a sailor!" Several empty cups in front of the uncontrollably giggling Quarian.
"Hey if anyone around here needs a swear jar it would be Joker," said a flustered Shepard. Trying to replay their last fire fight from memory, trying to count off the number of curses that had been uttered.
"God damn it Shepard, way to throw me under the bus!"
"That will be ten credits Joker," stated EDI.
"Like fuck it will be..."
"Joker, I think it would be best to stop while you're ahead," said Samara, still cool and collected though the number of empty cups in front of her would make one assume otherwise.
Shepard, Garrus, Tali, Kasumi, Morodin, Grunt, Jack, Zaeed, Jacob, Miranda, and Thane stared at Joker who was glaring at both EDI and Samara in turn.
"That will be an additional fifteen credits," EDI piped up from her display next to the bar.
"Yeah Joker but shut the hell up before EDI starts making a god damned tab for ya," Jack cat called.
"That will be thirty five credits from you Jack," EDI stated again, clearly taking the swear jar idea seriously.
"What the fuck did you say you god damned fucking sex toy?" Jack raised her fists, beginning to glow blue as she warmed up her biotics.
"I said it would be thirty five credits. Though your new adjusted total is now eighty five credits."
"Jack you may want to take your own advice, it sounds like EDI is keeping a running total for everyone. Good thing she isn't starting from this morning, otherwise Shep over there would owe a small fortune," Zaeed finished, taking a long sip on his Serrice Ice Brandy.
"EDI you should start the tally from this morning!" Tali yelled, almost falling off of her chair in her excitement.
"Very well Tali'Zorah... Garrus owes thirty five credits. Grunt owes nothing. Jack owes two hundred fifty five credits. Jacob owes twenty. Joker owes one hundred ninety credits. Kasumi owes eighty five credits, yes I do keep audio logs and the sensors can pick up when you swear under your breath," the ship stated as Kasumi raised her hand to protest.
EDI continued. "Miranda, I noted that you seemed to have strung together a large list of profanities this morning, but I could not calculate as to why. You were alone in your cabin and surfing the extranet. Regardless, you owe three hundred fifty credits."
Miranda just stared open mouthed at the ship's AI. Her face blushed when she noticed several of the group staring at her, grins on their faces.
"Morodin owes fifteen credits. Samara you owe nothing. Shepard..." Everyone turned toward the Commander, having heard nothing but swear words on the comms earlier.
"...you owe six thousand eight hundred forty five credits. Though I'm not sure if that tally is completely accurate as I'm not sure whether or not several references to 'mother of a varren' are considered profanities."
Shepard groaned at the total. There went the new armor that had been calling the Commander's name on Omega.
"Tali'Zorah you owe nothing for today. Thane owes nothing. And Zaeed you owe one hundred twenty credits."
The next morning...*
The Commander walked on to the bridge.
"EDI, why is my bank account missing over six thousand credits?!"