if you prefer lj, there's a link on my profile to my jasper whitlock journal.
title: lack.
author: padfootly (ff); thrown_rosesx / jasperrwhitlock (lj)
summary: recollection of the months that the cullens left during new moon.
disclaimer: i haven't touched new moon in a year, so i'm not entirely sure how accurate their journey was. this is entirely my imagination. also, i don't own these characters.
Control is one of the things that I've had trouble with for as long as I've existed. Like any other citizen, I have had my stronger points along with my weaker ones. But I have always been my toughest critique and marked my emotional strength as acceptable, but it would have to be improved upon. With endless time, working on strengthening my control was a task that would help waste away the time, and be beneficial to me.
It was a slap in the face to my thin control on the night of Isabella Swan's 18th birthday. I was there with Alice as she flitted around the house, setting up countless decorations and having an eternal smile that didn't shine anywhere as bright as the person that she was. While she had been threading the tissue-paper through the banister, I had taken the chance to run up behind her, pulling her into my chest. The love I felt for my wife burned to my finger tips, spreading warmth against the pieces of cloth and skin that they had managed to touch.
And through my long-lived existence, I can say that guilt isn't an emotion that I have commonly felt that is genuinely my own. There are a handful of times that I can recount having the heavy emotion seep into me, making my movements cautioned and my thoughts deluded. And if I were to be perfectly honest, the last time I can recall ever feeling guilt that was my own was ten years ago. Alice had wanted to go on a vacation, and I had stubbornly told her "no." My control back then couldn't even touch on the amount I now have. Granted, after almost a day of travelling and being surrounded by humans, we would have reached an euphoric isolation for a total of three months. I can confidently say that, had I accepted the trip, somewhere between the half-way mark I would have slipped and most likely, bitten a human. They're always so stressed – and to add that stress along with my own of keeping my movements impeccable … it would have added up. The timing wasn't right, and though the guilt made me heavy, I knew it was the right thing. I had all the will in the world with me at that time, but I had to be logical. I had slipped no less than five years before she made the trip proposal. The human blood was void of my throat, but I could still clearly recall the way it eased the burn of my throat as I sucked the savory liquid from the chosen victim. The raw fear that chilled their veins passed easily into my conscience as I had hovered over them, holding the power with my hands and teeth to take the life so easily.
That sort of power was the one I ran away from when I left Maria. There have been many times where I have been able to fool my family with my confident ways, but Alice saw right through my attempts to hold onto more confidence that I wasn't able to support. I wasn't strong enough for Alice or myself.
And a stone-cold fact of that was the night of Bella's birthday, when her finger slid amongst the thin wrapping paper that held one of her gifts from my family. In a time-span of under five seconds, I managed to single-handedly ruin the happiness of one of the people who supported me the most. I had managed to ruin Edward's happiness as I watched Isabella's finger slide against the thin paper. I managed to crumble his future with the one person he had chosen to give his heart to as I watched the blood drip to the carpet. I felt the second of disappointment from one of my family members as I lunged in the direction of Bella. And I saw the look of eternal sadness sketched upon Alice's face as she saw it all happen behind her closed eyes, as I slammed into Edward and nearly took his neck with my flailing hands in a desperate attempt to kill the love of his existence.
That night, as soon as the realization had dawned on me as to what exactly I had managed to cause … I ran for it. To this day, I can't recall where I had ended up. As soon as I hit the fresh air, I buried myself into the trees and stayed that way until I felt like I had managed to separate a connection between myself and the scenario that I had conspired. The guilt that I had felt made my burning throat constrict even further; the emotion only amplified by my empathetic ability. My hands had weaved into my hair, fisting the damp locks and tugging hard. If I had tried hard enough, maybe I could have caused some physical infliction on myself that could have eased the emotional pain.
It was no surprise to me when Alice found me twenty minutes later. Her words wrapped around the guilt that was tightening inside me and everything just loosened. I wasn't worthy of her words then. Certainly, I had some right to feel for what I had done. I had almost killed another human – one that had a connection to my family. Her small arms came around me, her lips pressing into my cheek. Her voice was soft as she told me that it was just an accident. But as she hit the last sentence, I knew that something was wrong. Her voice had hit a higher pitch. I turned my head in her direction, unable to use my voice to question what was wrong. She then clung to me tighter as her eyes closed and she let the images behind her eyelids play out. When they had opened to meet mine, I felt the hurt that she was letting course throughout her before I could completely register it in her look. In her hushed whisper, she spoke of the films that played out for her. She could see Edward asking us after he had taken Bella home, if we could please pack our belongings. We had overstayed our welcome here. He told us in a deadpan that he would meet up with us.
I didn't move from my spot until I had an all-clear from Alice that the blood had been removed, and that the smell of Isabella had been aired out as much as possible. My fingers weaved weakly into her own, and she led me back to the home that I had come to know for the past few years. And I waited until Edward walked through the front door, head low like Alice had described and asking us if we could leave. I stayed seated in an armchair as Alice stood, hands on her hips defiantly as she told Edward that leaving would ultimately destroy Bella. He was a fool to leave! How could be so ignorant? But he deflected her thoughts, and made her swear to not say goodbye to Bella, and to not meddle. And for the love of her brother, she whispered, "I promise," as her guilt filled my mind. I took it freely, trying to ease the burden of helping hurt one of her newest, but albeit, best friend.
I sought out Edward's attention as the hours passed. I told him that the love Isabella held for him was unwavering, and that he shouldn't be one to throw it out. He could take it for only so long, and had turned his back away from me and looked at me with hard eyes. He told me in a harsh whisper that he wanted to keep her safe. The vampiric world was not one for her, and he wasn't going to have her be killed on any account, especially his families.
That comment kept me quiet as I returned to Alice's side, helping her fold the remains of our closet into cardboard boxes.
The months after that bled into one another. Alice and I stayed in Denali for a bit, enjoying the company of Tanya, Irina, Kate, Carmen, and Eleazar. When I had off-handedly mentioned to Alice one night that I felt as if we were overstaying our welcome, we sent most of our stuff off into storage and took a duffle bag packed with a comfortable change of clothes. I mentioned that vacation that I had rejected so long ago, and she smiled brightly as we headed towards the nearest airport.
We kept in contact with Carlisle and Esme, giving them frequent updates on our whereabouts. They told us that Rosalie and Emmett where off and about as well, so they were enjoying their own solitude. I knew they missed everyone – especially Edward, who left messages too far between for anybody to be comfortable with – but the time was needed. We were all stressed, and I could only balance out so much before I felt drained of strength.
I can clearly recall the day where Alice and I had been enjoying our isolation. We had rented a cozy hotel room, hoping to stay there for a week before traveling someplace new. Her fingers had been tracing the words of a book she had picked up at a store, and I had been sketching out a scenario that I had pictured in my head from the details of a recently read war book. When her finger had stopped making the soft, comforting noise against the paper, I had looked up at her. Her eyes were glazed over; her body completely still as she watched whatever was happening behind her eyes. The moment that she had come back into reality, I knew that something was wrong. She had inhaled deeply, eyes out of focus as the book fell from her lap and onto the floor with a soft thump. The sketchpad lay forgotten on the floor, scattered away from her novel as I ran to her side. She had mouthed the word "dead," and almost immediately began making phone calls as she made a hurried attempt to explain to me what was happening.
From the moment the airplane took off, to the moment we landed in Seattle I was rigid with tension. I had made a promise to stay nearby, but not to invade as she tried to figure out what was happening with Isabella. Our old home was vacant; I could see the dust particles floating through the air as I managed to enter through the backyard. Each night as Isabella went to bed, Alice came back for about an hour or two and filled me in on what she had picked up.
Then the night came of Edward's call, where Jacob Black unknowingly handed my brother the card he was looking for. Alice had taken five minutes to run through the woods and tell me what had happened. I wouldn't be able to go with her on the trip, though I desperately wanted to. She needed me; I could tell as she tried to hurriedly collect a wallet stocked with money and a passport. And I wouldn't be able to support her as she flitted back out the door, hurrying her way towards the nearest airport.
Those three nights I spent alone in the old Cullen household were the longest and quietest of my life. I had made a few phone calls, informing everyone else as to what had happened on the behalf of Alice. Everyone was coming back to Forks and would be arriving within separate days.
And I waited in the living room, staring at the empty fireplace with my mobile in my hand. My elbows were firmly planted to rest on my knees as I sat on the plastic-covered couch and waited for my phone to alert me to something. But it wasn't until that Alice was leaving Italy that I could finally be comforted. I left messages for everyone as I took the keys to the nearest car and set off in the direction of Portland, waiting hour after hour until Alice was back in my arms.