Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me. I used the material solely for entertainment purposes.
Guardian
John knew that it was a foolish thing to do. Finch never hid the fact that he didn't approve of his association with Detective Carter, but, despite his employer's objections, John had to be near her. That was only one of the reasons that brought him here tonight. He stood in the doorway of her bedroom and just watched as she slept.
He could only imagine her reaction if Carter ever found out what he was doing, and a smirk broke out on his face at the thought of her threatening to kneecap him and then arrest him. John noticed her stirring again and couldn't stop himself from being concerned for her once again. He had seen this for a few times now, since that day in the cafe that she agreed to work with them.
The topic of John's encounter with Snow and Evans had only come up only briefly when they met at the cafe. John couldn't hide his surprise when Finch told him that he had spoken with Carter and arranged a meeting between the two of them. When he saw her, he could see the guilt she felt in her eyes. It was the same guilt he saw that night in the parking garage when she realized what was about to happen.
While he had been recuperating, John was constantly worried about Joss. He knew that Snow and Evans would be breathing down her neck because Carter was their only link to him. There was no question that he had already forgiven her for what she had done, but he knew the effects of guilt and how it could eat away at you. Even though she had been used and lied to by Snow, Carter would undoubtedly take full responsibility for her actions. John had felt the same when Jessica died. He still couldn't forgive himself for what he let happen because he kept his mouth shut and let her walk away that day in the airport. John hadn't thought about it much since starting this job, but the reminders were still there, eating away at his subconscious.
He wanted to help Joss understand, believe that she didn't need to beat herself up over falling for Snow's lies, but that would mean giving himself away to the fact that he had been watching her during such an intimate moment. The threat of bodily harm resurfaced and he decided to make himself scarce for tonight.
Wrapping up the number, John was glad to be finally done with the day. After a hassle and a half, first tracking the guy and then protecting him because he was the victim, he was able to help Carter and Fusco get their arrest.
He made a pit stop at his small apartment to get cleaned up a bit. After a quick shower and redressing in a different suit, he was on his way to Carter's brownstone apartment again. Looking at his wrist, he saw that it was past one. With the paperwork and processing the suspect, Carter would be asleep by now.
In no time, he was breaking into the basement door of the building. Making his way up the stairs, he saw something strange; he noticed her door was slightly ajar. Worry hit him as he climbed the steps, being sure not to alert any intruders if there were any.
Pushing the door more open, the sight before him had him floored. Carter was standing there with her hands on her hips, dressed only in some light blue drawstring pants and a matching tank top. "Make yourself comfortable and John, the next time you sneak up on a girl while she's sleeping, make sure she isn't faking it."
"How long have you known?" John should have known better than to think that he could get away with what he was doing for very long. He was surprised, though, that he wasn't rolling around on the ground in pain caused by her yet.
"I heard something about a week ago. I thought maybe it was Taylor, but then I saw you standing there watching me."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
She shrugged her shoulders. "The better question would be why were you being so sneaky in the first place. I could have shot you. Then again, I'm still considering it based on your reasons why you felt you needed to break into my house and watch me sleep."
"Would you believe that I was part of the neighborhood watch?" John joked, hoping to ease the building tension between them.
She pointed towards the gun next to her on a table. "Try again buster, and this time give me something more believable than that. Why were you breaking in here?"
A beat passed before John spoke up. "I've been worried about you," he said bluntly, figuring he would just get right down to it.
He saw her right eyebrow arch up as she stared at him in disbelief. "Worried about me? What pray tell had you so worried that it made you break into my house?"
John pulled his jacket off and put it on a chair next to him. He then began to unbutton his dress shirt. "What the hell are you doing?" Joss definitely didn't expect him to do something like this. Her fingers twitched a bit, making her want to reach her gun to get John the hell out of here and leave her alone.
When he was done, he opened the shirt to expose his chiseled upper body. As her eyes looked over the multiple contusions and marks on him, Joss noticed a patch of discolored skin that was different from the rest. "I'm worried that you are still feeling guilty over my newest scar."
She sucked in a bit of air, suddenly feeling light headed at the sight. Throughout her career, she had seen countless bodies. For some reason, she just couldn't handle seeing what she had done to him. Her body wouldn't let her forget the sickness she felt as she had watched the bullets slam into his body that night. Regaining her composure, she sighed sadly. "How can I not feel guilty when I'm the one that was responsible for that?"
Joss had to hide her disappointment as he fixed his clothes. "Well considering the circumstances, I'm not surprised that you are. I know first hand how it feels to feel guilty all the time and I take it out on myself too."
"Well unfortunately Mr. Reese, you are mistaken. There is nothing wrong with me so you can just walk your ass right back out that door." She motioned behind him.
"If that's the case then can you humor me by answering one question?" John knew he was prying but he didn't want Carter to have this eat away at her.
"What?" She was getting annoyed with him. This seemed to be the basic routine of their professional relationship. They would have their banter and jokes, then it would turn into a bit of flirting. Later on while working on a case, they would have an argument over their different methods of appending the criminal or protecting the victim. In the end, everything was forgiven because no one got hurt. Except the criminal, of course.
"Which makes you feel more guilt? Leading Snow to me or almost getting me killed?" Again the questions. John needed her to confront this or it would never let her go. He had no right to ever ask for forgiveness, but she didn't deserve to torture herself with guilt.
The memory of what had happened shot through her mind and she felt the urge to scream at the top of her lungs.
"Both" she said, crossing her arms over her chest. She didn't dare look at him now that she admitted the truth.
She heard him scoff. "I already told you that it was okay between us. You didn't believe me?"
"I can't really get over it quite as easily as you John. I almost got you killed. If it hadn't been for Finch, you probably wouldn't have…"
"It was thanks to you too. You managed to buy us enough time. Carter, you figured out what was really going on. Snow was trying to make sure no one knew and they were probably going to kill you once they took care of me."
"I didn't know what I had done until I saw you. When you were shot, I couldn't believe what was going on right in front of me. I followed you down the stairs, you know. Do you understand how it felt to see your blood? It just made it more real, what I had done, and it made me disgusted with myself." Joss's posture relaxed a bit, her fingers no longer wanting to grip the gun next to her.
John took a step forward, glad that she didn't follow through with her earlier threats just yet. "Snow used you to get to me. They heard about what happened and baited me into their trap. You made the choice that you thought was right. The CIA has ways to spin words around and told you things about me, about me being a killer. They are the ones that turned me into that. I didn't choose that lifestyle willingly."
"I know." She chose to look out at the window. It gave her a view of the night sky, and she was hoping for some sort of distraction. "You did what you thought was right for your country."
"So what did you dream about?"
"How could you tell?" Her lips pressed together, a habit she had when she didn't like to talk about private things.
"You were stirring quite a bit every time I've been here. Am I responsible for one of New York's decorated detectives not getting enough sleep?" He was treading lightly; John wanted to relieve the tension that seemed to grow by the second. He still had to be careful because he didn't want to cross too far over the line. He was glad that Carter hadn't shot him yet.
"Do you think that it's really that stupid?" She still couldn't look at him. Tired of standing, Joss moved around to sit on the armrest of her couch.
"What?" John blinked in surprise.
Joss sighed, wondering why John was being so difficult about this. This didn't concern him anymore so he could just drop the subject. "The fact that I can't stop thinking about what happened. I just keep replaying the scene in my mind." She began spinning her index finger to emphasize her point. "It's just there reminding me, taunting me about what I did. On some nights, it doesn't replay exactly the same way."
John focused all his attention on her. He was a bit surprised that she could be this open to him. They had played the cat and mouse game for months now. He didn't expect her to drop her walls so soon after meeting him. There was no telling how long that would last before she grew tired of him. "So you think about the worse case scenario?"
"How could I not? If it hadn't been for your friend, you would be dead because of me." Joss sighed, thinking further. "Those people that need help wouldn't have anyone there to protect them and my case load would get overwhelming again. It's because of you that the job has started to become a bit boring for the first time in years."
"You did make up for it by not telling Snow, even if he did start tailing you because he didn't believe you."
She should have known he would have noticed. Joss had a feeling he had been watching her more than just during the nights. "He keeps trying to intimidate me by threatening my career. Snow knows I'm hiding something but thankfully he can't follow through until he has concrete evidence."
"Which he won't find." John pointed out.
Carter felt herself smiling. "Well you seem to do a good job flying under the radar. Maybe I should pick up a few lessons from you."
"To your credit, you don't seem to need it the way you ditched those guys like I said at the coffee shop" John complimented her.
She sighed sadly. "Even if that's the case, just seeing him keeps reminding me of what I did."
"You don't have to do this alone Carter" he reassured her.
"I remember. I must be insane for teaming up with someone as reckless as you." There was finally a change in her demeanor and John could see her smile.
"Thank you" he said, accepting what she said as a compliment. He was relieved that she was finally starting to relax a bit.
"Not a compliment John," she said with a small bit of annoyance in her voice. Joss knew that he wasn't going to listen though.
He just shrugged it off. "So are you going to head off to bed?" He was surprised when she shook her head and he became worried again. He remembered that talking about your nightmares would help you prevent them so he didn't know what else could be wrong.
"Can you please do me one favor John?" she asked suddenly.
Not sure what it could be, he nodded his head. "I'm sure I've got plenty of time before Finch calls me with another case."
"Forgive me" she said softly as she placed a hand on her chest.
John was beyond confused at her request. "What are you talking about? I already told you that you didn't do anything wrong so you don't need to say you're sorry."
"But I did and you never told me whether you forgave me or not. I know that we're working together but it's just something that has been bugging me. I'm not saying that you need to if you do still hate me for my actions. That's fine for you to be angry at me. I just want to know the truth." Her words held so much meaning. John was taken aback by how passionate she was just for him to forgive her even though he had done so many terrible things in his life that he could never be forgiven for. Joss was accepting too much responsibility for something she had no real control over.
"You are a good person Carter. You did what you thought was right, even if someone was using you for their own personal gain." He stepped closer to her and surprised her by taking her hand in his much larger one. "I do forgive you for everything."
When she heard him say those words, Joss felt like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. She stared into his baby blue eyes and then gave him a smile. "Thanks" she said appreciatively. Then she noticed the time. "You should probably get going. You'll need your energy for the next maniac that decides to commit a crime." She felt him squeeze her hand and Joss returned the gesture.
"You are not alone Joss. If you ever need to talk about anything like this, you have my number. The phone is allowed to make personal calls too you know." John knew that it would take a lot for her to fully trust him, but John wanted to put that offer on the table. He would be available whenever she needed him.
"And here I was thinking that you were a workaholic like me" she said jokingly "thanks for the offer though. Maybe I'll be able to get some sleep now." Joss let out a yawn, her body relaxing more from just a simple touch of his hand. John released her hand and she had to hide the sadness that threatened to show on her face. Joss did her best to shrug off those feelings as she let herself drop backwards on to the cushions of her couch, sighing in content.
John gave her an incredulous look. "Now Detective, that is quite rude to not escort your guest to the door." Her eyes were closed as she waved her hand menacingly at him, telling him to leave her alone. Instead of letting himself out, John went over and grabbed the quilt that was hanging on the back of the couch then draped it over her slim body. As he crouched down next to her, Joss snuggled further into the warmth. John used his thumb and index finger to remove a small strand of hair that was covering her eyes and wrapped it around her ear.
Feeling his touch, Joss only stirred, clearly exhausted from the unknown number of sleepless nights. "Sweet dreams Joss" he uttered softly. John couldn't remember the last time he could just watch someone sleep. He told himself that he just wanted to see if she had any more bad dreams. John knew if she did, he would fight them off just as he fought off any threat. Seeing that she wasn't budging, John straightened up. With one last smile, he let himself out.
Just as he locked the door, his earwig chirped meaning that it would be another busy day ahead.
A/N: Well well ladies and gentleman. After a few months of hassling around, I finally managed to get internet back and it sure feels good to be posting again. I was not idle during my spare time either folks. I have quite a bit of treats that will soon be posted and I hope you will be entertained. Thanks to my beta SWWoman for this and the many other pieces she looked over for my dumb mistakes. You are awesome.