the perks of being normal
rated t for some badass language and suggestive themes. be aware.
At night, she's a candle.
She's full of broken, mixed-up wax and she burns burns burns until there's nothing left, nothing but a puddle. A puddle of whatever is left of that mixed-up, broken wax. And there's no one around her, nothing bright, just a blanket of darkness that envelops her, trapping her in her own thoughts.
Then he comes to build her back in again, to start the burning process all over, and it's nighttime again. Except this time he's the darkness and she's getting lost in him, getting lost in his scent and his touch and his feel and oh god this is wrong, so wrong. And she tries, believe me, she tries to crawl back to the light where she belongs, but there's something about him that's just so damn addictive and she crawls right back into the darkness to stay.
It starts about a month after them arriving.
They're all good friends already (hey, it's Hollywood, right?) and she's dating him and he doesn't seem to mind and she doesn't notice anything's going on. Then one day they're swimming in a nearly empty pool together (that Carlos managed to clear out after claiming there was a ghost in the swimming pool now – how people believed that she'll never know) and then it's happening all so fast that she doesn't even realize his lips are on hers until she's responding against them. And she pulls back after a moment, cheeks pink and lips slightly swollen, screaming what the fuck, Logan?
He mumbles some incoherent apology – which she determines he doesn't really mean by the way he half-asses it – and she can't see straight. She grips the edge of the pool and he's still muttering his God, Jo, I really didn't mean to do that, and all she wants to scream is of course you did, you liar, and why the fuck did I like it so much? But she doesn't do that, oh no, not Jo Taylor, she just jumps out of the pool and speeds off to her hotel room because it's all Jo Taylor ever does. She runs.
The next few days are full of awkwardness between them but they ignore it for the sake of Kendall (and each other). And Kendall, the bright boy that he is, doesn't notice anything, and she can't help but think about how that's the best life has given her in a while. She dances through the days trying to keep things normal with Kendall and trying to keep Logan at a distance, though it's hard, because now that it's happened, all she can think about is that kiss.
And how she wants more.
And how bad it is that she wants more.
And is he wanting more too?
Soon the last question captivates her to the point where she can't fucking take it anymore and she just needs to ask him. And it's a bad idea and she knows that but she has to. She just has to ask him.
It ends exactly how she hopes it will: With fumbling fingers and bruising lips. They're in some random broom closet (not one of her best moments, she admits) and is it just her, or is the room getting smaller and smaller? Her back is pressed against the door and her shirt as risen up a bit but she doesn't even notice because Logan Mitchell is kissing her like this. It takes her a good while to figure out what's going on – what's really going on – and when she does she slaps him, even though it really isn't his fault she's wants to keep kissing him.
It's terribly cliché, she muses as she wipes away the wet spots on her burning cheek with the pad of her thumb, the way this is all playing out. Why couldn't she be different for once in her life and want to stay with who she's with? Why can't she be the normal, good little girl she is and push him the fuck away and maybe even tell Kendall what happened?
She hears him chasing after her and she wants to stop (oh, God does she want to stop and kiss him and rip off his clothes and) but she doesn't. She just keeps walking, pretending as though she never heard him, as though she had never met him. It was easier that way, she told herself.
But she never really believes it.
At night, he's alone.
He's scared and alone and no one cares seems to care about him and he can't figure out why. And since no one wants to be around him he's forced to face his thoughts, his hungers, his fucked up ways of thinking about things. He's forced to face the fact that oh God he fucking wants her and that there is no loophole, no way of getting around the fact that Kendall will hate him forever and ever if they continue to do this.
Whatever 'this' is. He's not quite sure what it is, he just knows that damn it; he needs it.
Because whenever he's feeling lonely and scared and afraid, she comes rushing in and saves him. Sure, it's not always the best of ways that she does it, but she does and it takes the pain and loneliness away and you know what? That's enough for him.
He tries to ignore it for a while.
Every time he thinks of running back to her he remembers the sting he felt on his cheek that day and that she didn't stop, not even to talk to him. He tries to think of how he doesn't need her, no way, not when she's acting like that towards him all the time. Like he's nothing; like what they had was nothing.
Because it certainly felt like something to him. Something amazing and right and wrong and who the fuck cares about Kendall and Jo and why can't it be Logan and Jo for a change? He wants her, all of her, everyday. Screw Kendall, he thinks, Kendall doesn't feel what I feel. And even though he doesn't really know what Kendall feels, he's seen the way Jo and him act around each other (he's seen the way Jo's kissed Kendall) and it's nothing like the way Jo acts around him. And, well, that's got to count for something, right? Then again, does Logan even know what he feels?
All he knows is that he has to talk to her, and fast. So he gets her alone somehow – Lord only knows how he manages to pull that off – and surprisingly, they talk this time. At first, anyway. There's a lot of I'm sorry and Oh God, what have we done? And I can't do this to Kendall, but it all ends with his lips on hers and her clothes discarded on the floor.
He can't say he feels guilty when he's around her. It's when he's not around her, when he's thinking about it by himself, that he feels a gut-wrenching desire to stop the whole thing because he's the absolute worst friend in the world. And occasionally he gets mad at her for being so damn irresistible and why can't she just be ugly for a change?
But at the end of the day he knows it's his fault for being such a softy and a coward.
Why can't he just either tell Jo he wants to stop seeing her like this (hayeahfreakingright) or tell Kendall that he's in love with his girlfriend (that'sagoodonetoo). And then he just wishes he could take it all back and magically appear back in Minnesota where there's no Jo and no deceit and no backstabbing to be seen, just hockey and friendship and normality.
But there's no point in wishing for things that aren't going to come true, so he just continues kissing her and kissing her and kissing her because he can find some meaning, some truth in that.
And so they keep seeing each other, kissing each other, finding meaning in one another.
It all works out for a while. They meet each other at lunch and after dinner and sometimes in between that, always watching, always careful, never getting out of hand or needy with each other emotionally. Sometimes they explore their feelings and sometimes they just explore each other. And it's all well and good until they get caught.
They knew it was going to happen eventually, it was all just a matter of when.
When comes on a Saturday. Logan assures Jo that the rest of the guys are recording and that he's 'sick,' so she comes right over and doesn't ask about his mom or Katie because all her thoughts fly out the window as he kisses her. They make it onto the couch before Katie comes in, eyes wide, staring at a half-naked Logan kissing a half-naked Jo, It takes all the money in the world to get her to keep her mouth shut (he wishes his was more intimidating so he wouldn't have to empty his wallet to get her to cover for them) and she leaves and they go back to whatever they were doing before.
It's the following Tuesday that she breaks it off, for real.
She promises him that it didn't have anything to do with Katie or the fact that Kendall's been extra touchy-feeling lately, swears that it's totally her and no one else, but he doesn't believe it. Can't believe it. Because if he does believe it, then what's left to hold on to? The fact that she left because of him, nothing else? And he tries to make her stay and oh my god the goodbye sex is great but she still leaves after, walking out of his life.
Except, the hardest part is, she doesn't walk out of his life.
He still sees her all the time. It's almost as if he sees her more now. It's like she wants to taunt him and say look at me now, can't you see how happy I mean without you? And well hold up, he wants to say, aren't you the one that dumped me? Shouldn't I be the one showing you how fucking happy I am now that you're out of my life?
Except he isn't. He's fucking miserable.
She does it because she can't do it anymore
There are rules and regulations between them and she's breaking them all. She's wanting to talk, not fuck, and she's wanting to hold his hand out in public and godfuckingdammit she's wanting to fall in love with him. So she breaks it off, uses the excuse that she can't do this to Kendall anymore, even though it's past the point of no return in her mind. It's just easier this way.
Eventually she breaks up with Kendall, too, because it doesn't… Feel right to her anymore.
Or maybe it's because it feels better without Kendall. She's not quite sure yet, but she'll figure it out eventually. Just as soon as things turn back to normal.
I know you guys probably hated that ending but let me just say something: I wrote the ending first.