A/N: I was listening to Sara Bareilles, and when this song came up I couldn't help but think of Neal and Kate and that whole situation there. I've always loved listening to songs and trying to fit them to some situation in real life/TV shows/movies/books. It's a little habit of mine and often leads to good songfics. And, yes, I am once again bringing angst into the situation. It's like I can't stop. Neal is simply so perfect for it, unlike many other characters from other shows I've found. It's like his life is built on it, but the farthest I've seen him give into his emotions is hiding things from Peter and knocking over a chess set. Oh, and who else can't wait to see Neal 'die'?
Disclaimer: I don't own White Collar. Although I do own a fedora like Neal, and it's my favorite accessory ever. I think everyone should get one, they're so much fun.
Pairing: Mentions of Neal/Kate
Warning: Use of cutting/drug metaphor.
Song: Gravity, by Sara Bareilles.

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Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I feel you here till the moment I'm gone

It was on nights like these, cold and heartless with the moon up above, that Neal could feel Kate with him. The rigid chill seeping through the cotton and silk and polyester of clothing, stinging his flesh and eyes until he couldn't take it any longer. Today he was sitting on the docks, watching the shimmering reflection of the moon and wishing himself far away. He didn't dare move, for fear he'd finally break down.

Kate somehow had pulled him into a game he never wanted to play. She set the impossible rules, kept the ball in her court, and taunted him until he was about ready to scream. He wanted to scream. Right here, right now. He wanted to scream so loud that everyone in the entire world could hear it, scream so loud that Kate would have no choice but to listen to his cries, and then maybe she'd stop.

But, deep in his heart, he knew that nothing could stop her when she was like this. He had taught her, trained her, and she knew every single button to push. Was she working with Fowler? He couldn't be sure anymore. Someone had stirred and blurred the line between truth and lies and now he was lost. Lost between two lives that tugged and pulled at his morals.

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

His life had been ripped at the roots and dumped over and over, shifted, until he was at his knees and begging for it to stop. He knew it wouldn't. It was karma. Finally, he was getting what he deserved after a life of stealing and lying and cheating, and he can't say he was surprised.

He knew it was coming from the very beginning, but he didn't stop. He didn't want to stop. How could he? It was like nothing he had ever felt. It numbed everything bad about life until all that was left was him and Kate and this…beauty. But Peter…Peter Burke.

Peter chased him for years, sending him little messages that were starting to sting as the numbness he felt wore away. And it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair for someone he didn't know, some stranger, to break his carefully planned defenses. Not even Kate could do that.

He didn't like Peter for a long time because of that.

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're onto me and all over me

It was really quite ironic that the woman he loved he now loathed, that the man he disliked for so long he now appreciated and—heaven forbid—thought as friend. And it was justice, though not fair, that he'd lose one person and gain another.

Neal thought of himself as a sort of charmer. A charmer who could have anything he wanted, if he only put his mind to it. And yet, after years of believing this and many other lies, he finally began to see that he couldn't. Peter taught him that life didn't—doesn't work that way. Peter taught him—is teaching him that he needs to let go.

He still hasn't, though. He doesn't know if ever can, despite the sweet whispers in his ear that he must and that when he does, Peter shall catch him. But Kate and her pull is so strong, that Neal wonders if he lets go he'll just fall back again. Peter assures him—daily, though silently—that such a thing won't happen. That this was always meant to happen, but Neal was strong enough to get through it.

Neal isn't so sure, but he's so tired at the same time. Tired of the same old fight, the same old game that Kate is playing.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Every day is a struggle, a struggle that he somehow wins. If only to see the proud glint in Peter's eyes. Although it's bittersweet, since he knows he's keeping things from the man when he shouldn't. He can't stand the thought of the disappointment Peter would have in him, doesn't dare even think of it.

But he knew, eventually, Peter would tug it out of him. They joked about it when he did, but each knew of the underlying seriousness of the problem. Each knew that the other was discouraged. But Neal just couldn't stop, despite the constant guilt that tangled his gut.

How could he ever stop? It was Kate. Perfect, lovely Kate. The same Kate who used to lie with him at night and whisper those sweet nothings in his ear, run her fingers through his hair, her scent filling his senses and driving him crazy.

Peter told him that he asked Kate if she ever loved Neal. Neal began wondering the same thing.

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're onto me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground

And with all this doubt came a shimmer of hope. He had so many people besides Kate, every single one of them rooting for him and no other. Peter, Mozzie, Elizabeth, June, even Jones and Lauren.

All those people…ready to come to his defense with a simple cry of help. And despite Kate trying to squeeze the life out of him, they were all there to pull him back from the abyss and into the light. It was something he never experienced before—this sort of friendship—but he liked it. He liked that all those people would sacrifice anything for his safety—physically, emotionally, spiritually, any 'ally', really.

All of them, fighting against one girl…he prayed that was enough. Because he wanted it all to end. He couldn't survive like this. Kate had to go, he had to let go.

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keep me down
You're keeping me down

Deep down, a small part of him knew that he could get out. And he would, with the help of his friends. It would be hard, harder than he would want to admit, but so worth it in the end. Because Kate was a drug. No, stealing was a drug. Kate was the knife with which he cut himself.

He could break away from the drug fine, but the need to cut was ten times worse. Still, if he chose his friends…he knew they'd be simply waiting for him on the other side. He could almost taste the victory.

And God knew he wanted it.

You're onto me, onto me and all over me
Something always brings me back
It never takes too long

But this time? This time he had help.

And so, Neal stood up with a small smile on his face. He walked to the edge of the dock, throwing something onto the water, before stuffing his hands into the pockets of his suit jacket and walking away.

Far away, Kate could feel the sting of water suffocating her. And she knew that Neal had let go.