Title: Dreams
Author: Ryn
Rating: K
Disclaimers: not mine
Spoilers: None
Summary: A quiet little piece in time for the holiday season.
A/N: Happy Thanksgiving! Thought I'd post this as a holiday offering.
Warning: not independently betaed so sorry for any inconsistencies, spelling errors, etc.
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San Diego, 2007
New Year's Eve was a time to reflect on the past and dream of the future. A flute filled with sparkling cider and Mel Torme's What are you Doing on New Year's Eve on repeat in the background provided just the right ambiance to do just that, thought Mac.
She'd turned down every invitation to celebrate the incoming New Year. For some reason, she wanted to be alone this New Year's Eve with her memories for company. Maybe it was the Admiral's visit that had something to do with it.
Five days ago Retired Admiral AJ Chegwidden had popped into town with his daughter, Francesca. Business brought her to San Diego and she'd invited her father to accompany her.
--Flashback—
There was a knock and the door opened. "Excuse me, ma'am," said Victor Galindez, "phone call for you."
She frowned. "I thought I said no calls unless it's urgent, Gunny."
His eyes twinkled. "I think you'll want to take this one, ma'am."
Mac looked at her right-hand man with a puzzled expression.
"Line one," he informed her, his hand still on the doorknob.
Staring at him, she picked up the phone. "Colonel MacKenzie," she answered crisply.
"Mac! That took long enough!" boomed Chegwidden's voice. "Didn't give Gunny a bad time, did you?"
"Admiral!" said a delighted Mac.
A broad grin adorned the Gunny's face. Nodding to her, he closed the door.
"It's AJ, Mac," he reminded her, "I'm not your commander any more."
"Sorry, sir, but after nine years, Admiral is ingrained," she said with a smile in her voice.
She heard a sigh.
"Could you at least try?"
"I'll try." She bit back the 'sir'. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?"
"I know a JAG's work is never done, but are you free tomorrow night? I'm in town with Francesca and I was hoping we could get together for dinner."
"I'll make sure I'm free," she promised.
"Good. Bring Galindez. Haven't seen him since he left us how long ago? Five? Six years?"
"Six, sir."
"Mac," warned Chegwidden.
"Sorry, sir. It just slipped out." She bit her lower lip to hold back the laughter.
"All right," he said in an aggrieved voice. "I can see it's gonna take sometime to break that habit. I'll get back to you when I've made the reservations. See you tomorrow."
She hung up, a smile on her face. It had been four years since the Admiral had retired and she had missed him every one of those days. Cresswell had turned out to be a good CO—even-tempered and fair, but he was not AJ Chegwidden. The Admiral was a hard act to follow.
Deciding to stretch her legs, Mac stood and walked to the door. Leaning her head out, she called out to Galindez. "Gunny?"
Instantly, he was on his feet. "Yes, ma'am?"
"The Admiral wants to know if you're free for dinner tomorrow night. He's in town."
His face lit up for an instant only to be replaced by a look of chagrin. "It would be great to see the Admiral but Sherri would kill me if I cancelled our dinner plans for tomorrow night. It's her birthday."
"I understand," said Mac.
"Please convey my regrets to Admiral Chegwidden."
"I will."
-----
"You're looking good," said the Admiral after their orders were taken. "Being the JAG must agree with you."
"It's been challenging," she admitted. "But I'm enjoying it more than I thought I would."
"My sources tell me you've been doing a fine job."
"I've had good role models," she smiled.
"If you say so," he said dryly. "I knew you'd do well. You've got good instincts, Mac. Don't be afraid to go with them," he advised her. "Sometimes it's okay to be a little like Rabb and go with your gut. But, only sometimes and only a little," he cautioned her.
"I take it shooting off hand guns in the courtroom wouldn't be on that list," she smirked.
"Lord, no!"
Dinner arrived and the pair engaged in conversation attempting to catch up on four years of separation. Chegwidden shared some stories of his travels following his favorite baseball team, coaching at a local high school and his recent trip to England to watch some productions of his beloved Shakespeare.
In turn, Mac shared some of her experiences as JAG and the people she worked with.
"How did you get Galindez on your staff?" the Admiral inquired.
"Timing," Mac said simply, "and a bit of luck. Victor was due back from his third tour in Afghanistan when he was injured in a bombing. During his recovery, he was stationed close by. I saw his name, offered him the position and here he is."
"He's a good man."
"Yes, he is. And it's nice to have someone who remembers the 'good ol' days' at JAG headquarters in Virginia."
"What's his fiancée like?"
"Sherri? Nice, very nice. She's on the quiet side but she makes Victor feel like he's the most important person in the world. She's good for him."
The Admiral nodded. Even though Galindez had left his command six years ago, he still considered the man one of his flock and wanted the best for him. It seemed he'd found the right woman.
Chegwidden discreetly looked at Mac as he sipped his coffee. Of all his people, she had been the most worrisome. Professionally, she'd achieved the epitome of success in her chosen field of military law. She'd been an excellent chief of staff and an equally excellent lawyer. And now she was the JAG of the southwest region. He was proud of what she'd accomplished.
However, her personal life was a different story. Her dream of a happy home life complete with husband and children remained elusive. He'd watched her choose the wrong men…men who had never accepted her as she was but wanted her to change into their version of the ideal woman. Only one man had accepted Mac for the remarkable woman she was but she couldn't handle the realities of his job. Chegwidden had been disappointed when he heard they'd broken up but it wasn't a surprise. Throughout all her relationships, he'd seen the indecision, the lack of self-confidence that made each one end unhappily.
But now, now she seemed to radiate quiet self-assurance and serenity that had been missing all those years she'd been under his command. What brought about this welcome transformation?
"You're different," he remarked.
"Different?" she repeated unconsciously touching her hair.
He shook his head. "Not outside…inside. You've changed, Mac. You seem…happy, really happy."
"I am," she admitted.
"Care to share?"
A twinkle appeared in her eyes. "Now, if I was a certain spook, I'd tell you 'Need to know,'" she teased then stopped. "I can't believe I just said that. I haven't thought about him in a long time."
"Webb?"
She nodded slowly. "Not since the day I slapped his face and stormed off."
"He probably deserved it," the Admiral remarked dryly recalllng his encounters with the CIA agent.
The corner of her mouth went up in a wry smile. "He did."
Chegwidden took sip of his drink. "What went wrong, Mac? I thought you two had a chance."
She sighed ruefully. "The usual. Unrealistic expectations on my part."
At the Admiral's surprised look, she nodded. "I finally got the help I needed after Harm and I broke it off."
"I'd heard the two of you were engaged," admitted Chegwidden.
"From Harriet?"
"From Harriet," he confirmed. "When she told me, I couldn't believe after all those years Rabb finally stopped behind a horse's behind and asked you to marry him!"
Mac laughed.
"She also told me the damn fool way you two decided where to live."
"It seemed a good idea at the time. We couldn't decide who would give up their commission so it seemed as fair a way as any."
"And Rabb won," he stated. "So why aren't you in England with him?"
"Because when push came to shove, I couldn't do it," she said simply. "I knew if I didn't take the position, I'd always wonder if I resigned because I doubted my ability to handle the responsibility. I don't have to wonder now."
While the Admiral had rarely interfered with his people's private lives, it didn't prevent him from observing what had been happening. "I thought you were in love with him…you wanted a family."
"I was and I do. However, the Marine Corps has always been there for me and this was my way of showing my appreciation."
"Not at the expense of your personal life."
"It was my choice, Admiral. I realized I couldn't give up everything I worked so hard for, not even for Harm."
Chegwidden waited while Mac gathered her thoughts, a far away look in her eyes as she recalled the event.
"We had a long talk and came to the conclusion that our time to be together had come and gone. We're better off as friends."
He leaned forward and placed his hand over hers. "You sure?"
"Positive." She smiled. "It's taken a long time and many a session but I'm okay—really. Enough about me. What about you? What are your plans?"
"Well, after this business meeting, Francesca and I are flying to Italy to spend the New Year with her mother."
At her questioning look, he looked a shade embarrassed. "We've been seeing each other off and on since I've retired. One reason I retired was to spend more time with Francesca. So I've visited her several times in Italy and she's come to Virginia. Her mother's come with her a couple of times."
"Is it serious?"
"It could be," he admitted. "We're taking it a step at a time and we'll see what happens."
"I'm glad for you. After Meredith…" her voice trailed away.
"After Meredith I was the one acting like a horse's behind," he said ruefully.
Mac laughed. She could always count on the Admiral being honest, even with himself. She picked up her glass of water. "I want to propose a toast."
He picked up his glass. "I'm game. A toast to what?"
"Dreams—old and new. May some of them come true."
"To dreams."
--end of flashback—
The dinner conversation had vividly brought back the past. So here she was, four days later, ready to surround herself with her memories. She lifted the boxful of mementos on to the couch and took off the lid. At the very top was the official announcement of her appointment as JAG of the Southwest region. She had been so proud. Clipped to it was the Admiral's telegram of congratulations.
She smiled as she pulled out reminders of the happier moments. The little trophy when she was the first female to cross the finish line at the inaugural Jag-a-thon. Her bridesmaid bouquet when Harriet and Bud had gotten married The birth announcements of AJ, Jimmy and the twins. Her report cards from law school. She'd been so proud she'd graduated in the top ten percent of her class.
The deeper she delved, the memories became more poignant. The sonogram of Baby Sarah at seven months. Harriet had given her a copy since she and Bud had decided to name the baby after her. Her finger traced the outline of the baby as a tear trickled down her cheek. Bud and Harriet weren't the only ones devastated when the baby had died.
She reached in and picked up her father's wallet. It was the only thing of his that she had. She opened it and carefully pulled out the newspaper clippings he'd kept there of her achievements. She was glad she'd forgiven him. While he hadn't been the best father, he'd done his best.
At the very bottom, she hesitated before pulling out the Hummel figurine. It was the last gift Clay had sent on that final deception.
Clay. She had shoved all her memories of him into a neat little corner of her mind, never to be taken out and remembered. But the conversation with the Admiral had brought it all back—the missions, the danger, the sarcasm, the exasperation, the love, the acceptance. He was the one man who had accepted her strengths…had counted on them and she'd rejected him because of it.
She shook her head ruefully. Some people never knew when they had something good and she was one of them. She'd always regret what could have been but she wasn't going to dwell on what might have been. Therapy had taught her you can't change the past no matter how hard you wanted to.
She sighed and glanced at the clock—ten minutes to the new year. She began putting things back into the box when the doorbell rang. Frowning, she wondered who it could be. She wasn't expecting anyone. She rose and headed towards the door and opened it.
"Hello, Sarah. Happy New Year."
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