Judas Kiss
By Angel of the Odd
If someone had asked L if he had ever loved, he wouldn't have been able to give them a straight answer.
L had loved Watari. L had loved the old man dearly. When L had been alone in the world, Watari had found him. When L was sad, he had comforted him like a father would. When L needed guidance, he had been his teacher. When L became older, he had become his friend. Yes, L had loved Watari.
L had loved Near and Mello. He had loved them from the moment he had laid eyes on the pair. Mello, striving to impress him. Near, clinging on to his every word. When they had moved into Wammy's House, two young orphans not unlike himself, they became his younger brothers. L had loved Near and Mello, too.
L knew perfectly well what love was. He just didn't know if that was exactly the right word to describe his feelings for Light Yagami. Certainly, he was attracted to him. He was attracted to his intellect and his deep sense of justice. He was attracted to the strength of his character and his personality. He was even attracted to the sound of his voice and his physical appearance. If Light hadn't been Kira, L would have loved him.
But Light was Kira. L knew that in his heart .
L hated Kira. He hated his twisted mind-games and warped sense of justice. He hated his cowardice and weakness of character. He was repulsed by Kira.
How could these two extremes co-inhabit one body? L often found himself wondering about that conundrum. When Light had once leaned over from the chair beside him and accidentally brushed up against his shoulder, L wanted to stop pondering that mystery. He wanted to just enjoy the sensation of the shivering it had sent up his spine like an electrical current. But L's mind was always working at full speed, questioning, analyzing everything around him.
L had analyzed Light twice. The first time he had come to the correct conclusion that the man was Kira. The second time, he had come to the conclusion that, despite this fact, he liked him.
Now, when he looked into his eyes, he could not see the same man he had first arrested. He only saw the man that captivated him.
They were still hand-cuffed together at the wrists. L had tried to convince himself that this was a precaution, a way to ensure that Kira did not elude his grasp. Looking at the man sitting next to him, he wondered if it was not a way to ensure that Light did not leave his side.
At first, L had just enjoyed having a warm body sleeping next to his at night. Now, he secretly enjoyed the fact that it was Light. Sometimes, he would glance over at the sleeping man until his loins stirred and he forced himself to look away.
Once, while Light had been showering, he had peered behind the curtain, but this had only served to intensify his frustration. Being in a state of frustration was not something L was accustomed to.
Light, for his part, found L equally as engaging. It wasn't just his pride that had been injured when L insisted on his being the notorious mass murderer. He felt hurt for L even having suggested such an absurd notion.
Kira, on the other hand, despised L with every fiber of his being. He wanted nothing more than to humiliate him, make him suffer, then obliterate him. Kira had entertained fantasies of L, begging on his knees for his life.
Light had entertained fantasies of L, begging on his knees for something quite different.
When Kira had lain dormant within him, Light had found it extremely easy to like L. He didn't even mind being chained to the man. He only wished he had been the one to place the cuffs there first.
L had a habit of licking his fingers after every meal. Light was fascinated by the way his tongue curled like a cat's. Light would wonder what it would feel like to have that tongue up against his own flesh until he reminded himself that others were present and his cheeks would burn red. The sleeping Kira within him would suddenly resent L for making him feel so helpless. Being helpless was something neither Kira nor Light were accustomed to.
Kira was the ever-present force that stood between the two. A phantom presence that loomed over them like a black shadow, threatening to swallow them both.
Light became irritable. L became depressed. Kira became stronger.
Then they had found the notebook.
L had caught a glimpse of something pure evil. He knew that evil was sitting next to him in the guise of the man he was falling in love with.
Light remembered what he was. Kira. The God of The New World. The only obstacle sitting next to him, looking so confused. So vulnerable.
When he had found L up on the rooftop, standing in the rain, he had expected himself to feel more satisfaction from the dejected look on his opponent's face. Instead, he felt something inside himself tugging painfully at his heart. He went out into the foul weather. He wanted to be with L. To join in his misery. Not to gloat in it. For just a little while, Light became himself again.
Then, they were sitting indoors, watching the heavens weep. L was on his knees. He was drying the water from Light's feet. It wasn't anything like what he had imagined. L was conceding his defeat to Kira while expressing his tenderness towards Light.
Light got on his knees beside him. Gently, he tilted L's head towards the sky, and placed his mouth on his.
Holy communion.
Judas Kiss.