She wants to break him.
(cut him into little pieces and scatter them around like her ashes) But it's impossible when she has no hold over him. She doesn't captivate him and capture him and control him (oh no, that'd be what he does to her) and yeah she really wants to fucking break him.
(cut him into little pieces and keep them safely in her pocket)
---
She thinks she may have been a little in love with him forever.
Most likely before they met because honestly this feels like fate and destiny (and oh Dear God she needs a fucking reason for all of this pain) and she doesn't think she ever consented to this but maybe it'll all work out in the end. (and hey maybe the fucking Tooth Fairy will become her newest bff) She can't really blame herself, not with his sex eyes and fuck-me hair (and he sure does know how to bring the hormone-driven whore out in her, now doesn't he?) and besides it's not like she's the first girl (not even close) to fall for his charm and his games.
She thinks that she should stop falling for him (because damn she's already hurting and she hasn't even hit bottom yet) but it's just another thing out of her control. She thinks if his touch could just stop burning her and if he would just stop with that goddamn smirk that maybe she could push him out of her memory (but he's so ingrained) and she could finally forget him (she could finally move on) but then again it's not like she can ever really leave him. (they're stuck they're stuck they're stuck) Because yeah he's not going anywhere.
(and she's not sure if the nauseous is from the relief or the pain)
---
Sometimes she thinks he just may love her back.
Sometimes he looks at her (in a way that she wishes he wouldn't look at her because damn it all to hell but she falls for it every single damn time) and it turns her to mush. From her toes to the tip of her hair, she turns to jello and she hates herself for becoming this weak dependent girl that she never really was (except for when it comes to him because he's the exception to her every rule) but when he looks at her like that she thinks it may all be worth it. (when he looks at her like that she thinks being run over by a train would be okay, so it's safe to say her judgment isn't actually sound)
And sometimes, sometimes he'll touch her accidentally. And there's that zing of electricity and she doesn't know how he can possibly not feel it. She likes to tell (delude) herself into imagining (pretending) that they're on purpose and he's just finding ways to be closer to her. (he's never really close enough) She thinks that maybe this will end well, maybe they have a fighting chance. But then she sees him with her.
(and she's five years old again and finding out that fairytales aren't real even a little bit)
---
Every now and then she hates him.
"Hey," he's smiling, charming her right in front of everybody. The hallway is crowded and busy and there's enough people that she can just pretend that she didn't hear him over the noise (and oh fuck she wishes she could pretend she never ever heard him and maybe she could be whole again) so she keeps stacking her books in her locker. But then he's leaning against it and looking down at her with a cocky smirk and she thinks she wants to puke or maybe cry because he's close enough to touch but she can't (she can't she can't she can't because it'll only lead to things that'll break her heart) and he repeats it again, "Hey."
"Hello Derek," she keeps her voice quiet because she doesn't want to burst into tears. Not here. Not with all these people (and their fucking knowing eyes) and not in front of him. She doesn't think she'd be able to glue herself back together if he knew how broken she really was.
"Something wrong?" and his voice is concerned, and he's trying to act as if doesn't affect him but he's genuinely concerned and she wants to scream until her lungs bleed. Because doesn't he know what this does to her? Because why does he have to care when she needs him to just disappear? (because he's not hers) But she can't. Can't scream and cry and throw a tantrum like a child (but she wants him so bad) and instead she just smiles.
"I'm fine," and she thinks it's going to split her right in two and everybody can see the way she bleeds and they'll finally understand what it looks like to slowly die. She thinks he must be poison the way he sucks the life out of her until all that's left is the little pieces of herself that she doesn't even want. (and he has to know the smile is fake, doesn't he?) But he just shrugs.
"Okay then," and just like that he's gone.
(seems that all she ever sees of guys is their backs)
---
Somewhere along the way she loses herself.
It's easy to, with a guy like him. Because she just wants to impress him, keep him, captivate him and make sure he never leaves (but he's already gone) and she needs to lose herself if she's going to be able to lose him. And the bottles are pretty and the contents so shiny.
They burn as they glide down her throat. And it's just like him (he burns and hurts but he blurs the edges and suddenly everything just might be okay) and she pours it down so quickly that pretty soon she can't even taste it anymore (can't taste anything anymore, can't taste him anymore) and then everything is a little bit more fuzzy, a little bit more pretty.
She's laughing and the hurt is melting away and she thinks she loves this. (the oblivion, the distraction, the numbness) and she thinks that maybe nothing can break her (but then he's there and she's crashing) and he's dragging her away. Away from the pretty bottles with their shiny contents and their blurry dreams. And she thinks she's crying but she's not quite sure.
"You're a fucking mess," he whispers and it's not angry, like she'd expect it to be, but a little pathetic, a little sad. (and maybe, oh Dear God, maybe he gives a damn) and she's in his car and the tears slip down her cheeks (she didn't know that she could still feel with so much in her to keep her numb but then again he'd always managed to break her)
"You're not supposed to be here Derek," she's sobbing and shaking and why can't he ever just let her break in peace? She wants to scream and demand answers but her brain is still a little fuzzy and her tongue isn't operating and she's not quite sure what she's supposed to say. All she knows is that it hurts to be so close to him and not to be able and fucking have him.
"Do you know that I care about you? I fucking care about you. And if I had my way, I wouldn't, but I do. So sorry if I'm ruining your time but I'm not going to watch you destroy yourself," and now he's mad just like she thought he'd be, and in a way it's nice. At least now she knows what she's dealing with.
She doesn't say anything and when they turn into their neighborhood, she's finally stopped crying. He helps her sneak in the back of the house and he carries her up the stairs when she collapses on the couch. He pulls the covers up to her chin (and how does he know that's how she likes her covers?) and she tries to tell him. Tell him she needs him. Beg him to stay. Plead with him to love her. But her eyes are so heavy and the room won't stop spinning and he's gone before the words can form themselves on her lips.
(she lets him leave because she doesn't think she can make him stay)
---
He's using her.
He's using her (and she knows it) but she doesn't stop it because (because well she likes it) she's not quite sure how. She's knows it's sick and that she should be protesting and demanding to being treated better and blah blah blah (but she's never really been that girl, now has she?) but in the end it wouldn't really matter. The protests would just be empty promises (and she's had enough of those to last a life time, why add more?) that she'd know from the stat she'd never keep.
So she lets him use her. Lets him spin a weave of lies about her to his friends and she plays her little role so perfectly that she thinks that maybe she should just drop everything and go to Hollywood (but she's never really been that girl either) and even though it kills her a little more each time, she smiles and does what's in the script. (because Derek was always the director, wasn't he?)
His kisses are gentle and sweet (and nothing at all like him) and she breaks because she knows that this really isn't about her at all. His touch is soft as if she's glass that's so close to shattering (and is it ironic that he's already broken her?) and she knows this should make her happy. She should be thrilled that the oh so great Derek Venturi is careful with her, that the man's man is fearful of hurting her.
But she wants him (not this pretty smiling clone) and he should break her, take her, and do as he pleases. He should be selfish and cocky and raw and real. (she only knows these things from him and she hates him for taking that from her) She waits for his hands to become rough and greedy and she waits for him to become a little bit more like himself but he remains forever sweet with her (and it's like the saddest lullaby ever heard) and a part of her hates him for caring.
(he's just giving her pretty delusions)
---
She falls for him a little more as he breaks her heart.
She knows its coming as he gently grabs her wrist. He's looking into her eyes and he's searching them and she already knows what's going on (she's always known, the only thing that makes her special is what kills her every damn time) and she can't hold back the tears.
They're silent and they drip drip drip down her chin and she hates that she looks like this in front of him (hates that she cares at all) and he's wiping away her tears with the tip of his thumb. And she hates him more (because why must he make her fall in love with him as he breaks her heart?) and suddenly she can't breathe and she just wants him to go (she just wants him to stay but since he won't she's going to be the one to make him leave) and she wishes that she didn't know.
"I'm sorry," and he looks like he means it and she thinks if she were stronger (if maybe her heart wasn't so very shattered) she'd slap him in the face. She'd kick and scream and make a huge scene, she'd call him every name in the book and she'd have him down on his knees begging for mercy. But as it is, she can't even breathe right now and she's thinking that maybe if she curls up in a ball nothing else will touch her.
Because it's over. Two words (two words he's never really said) and just like that all her dreams are crashing around her in tidal waves and drowning her. She tears her gaze away (because those fucking eyes get her every time) and she nods her head. Then he's gone and she's all alone.
(and she knew it'd end like this)
---
She can't stop herself from watching him anymore than she can stop herself from loving him.
She watches in horror (and in pain because he always brings her masochism out to play) as he parades his girlfriends around. Most of them look like Sally (and you think you hate her the most because she got to play his game the longest) and it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
She knows she should stop it. Save him from himself but she's a little too weak (and he was supposed to save her and he didn't) and her eyes turn the other way. She knows that it makes her look stronger, the way he seems to never affect her anymore and she thinks that maybe she should be proud (but pride has nothing to do with it, this is survival) and her smiles stretch more endlessly than his bimbo's legs.
He asks for her opinion on all of them (he asks with a smile and a "you know me better than anybody" and it's enough to make her scream and never stop) and she can never resist him so she does. Its usual false compliments with a honest but hasty (and far too polite) dig at the biggest offense.
She hates playing this role. She never wanted to be his friend. Never wanted to be his confidant. Never wanted to play this game with him. She wanted more. She wanted him. Forever and always.
(but she'll take what she can get)
---
She knew about them before they did.
Naturally she's asked to be the maid of honor (and oh she must be a masochist to the fullest extent) and naturally she agrees. She helps the bride with the numerous meltdowns and she meditates the screaming matches when they're out in public (and adverts her gaze when they inevitably end up attached at the lips) and she smiles while she does it.
At the wedding she's the one that pins back the shower girl's unruly curls and stops Edwin from making the most embarrassing drunken best man speech ever given. She applauds the couple and Aw's as they dance across the floor.
The party is winding down when he sweeps her into his arms. "Thank you, you're the best friend she ever could have." He's smiling at her (and breaking her) and she wishes she could hate him because maybe then it wouldn't be so painful.
"That's what I'm here for," her whisper is a little too breathy and she wonders if he can tell that she's still falling for him (and she knows when she hits bottom that there'll be nothing left to break) but he must not because he continues to spin her around.
For the dance she lets herself pretend (just one last time) that he's hers and that she can have him (forever and ever and ever) but the song ends and so does her fairytale. He's back off to the blushing bride. She watches as her heart breaks in front of her very eyes and she says nothing, does nothing. Because this was how it was always meant to be.
Casey cries and hugs her and tells her how she's the best friend a girl could have. And Derek smiles at them from across the room and he keeps looking at Casey the way she always wanted him to look at her (and she's crumbling and shattering but she keeps smiling because she plays the game better than anybody) and for a moment she can't help but hate them. She hates Casey for having everything she ever wanted and hates Derek for not loving her the way she loves him.
But she smiles and laughs and pretends that this is what she always wanted. And she waits. She waits for the inescapable end. Because everything good must come to an end. Nothing golden can stay. And when it ends, she'll be there. She'll be there to pick up the pieces (and tuck them into her pocket) and she'll be the one to clean up this mess. Because not even Casey (with her fairytales) or Derek (with his charm) can cheat fate. So Emily will wait as long as she needs to. Revenge, after all, is best served cold.
(ashes ashes we all fall down)
If the ending seems really rushed it's because it totally was. I just got sooo bored with it and so I ended it all crappy and half ass and for that I apologize. And even though it's a piece of crap not worthy of her, I do dedicate this to WhenLighteningStrikes because a) Her story so totally inspired this. b) She motivates me to write Dasey and c) We're the same age now!!! So go us with our legal adultness-ess. :D Please review because it'll make me happy and maybe motivate me to write something better than this? Well we can hope so anyways. ;)