The Dance
A/N: I have had writers block for a long time and this just came to me tonight and I had to write it down. I hope you like it. (It is very short)
I don't own any of the characters; I am just borrowing them for a bit.
I hide; I hide behind a pretty smile and even prettier lies. They are nothing, I am nothing. I am like vapor, like air. There is nothing to me anymore but the lies. The pretty playboy, with the wide smile, the vapid jokester with the grin and the glib comment. No one tries to look deeper, no one tries to see.
I did think for awhile there was someone who saw, who saw the me I desperately wanted everyone to know but still was afraid to come out of hiding. But the glimpses of knowledge come fewer now, like they bought into the face I showed the world.
Inside I am screaming, screaming for someone to notice, someone to care, to reach out and tell me it will be okay. Even if I know those words could only be lies.
I want to be loved, so desperately so endlessly, I dream of love, I can almost taste it, but I am also terrified of it. Loving from afar is so much safer, so much easier. Then I don't have to face it, face who I am, what I am.
What I am, could never be accepted, my father couldn't accept it, my mother, didn't want to know it. I lied and hid; maybe so good I hid from myself. I caught myself up in meaningless relationships, meaningless pursuits of the flesh. When it wasn't even that flesh I desired. Because anything else was completely unacceptable, completely against nature, not what "DiNozzo men" are.
I was doing great at the denial, until I met him. He has consumed all my thoughts for over a decade, but what can I do about it? He wouldn't want me, would be disgusted to know the thoughts I had about him. It isn't even about the physical, it is the mere presence of him, and it is about knowing that he could keep me safe. Safe from myself, safe from the voice inside that tells me I am unlovable. If he could love me, I think that would prove the voice wrong. (The voice that sounds strangely like my mother)
Instead I go home every night without what I want, and keep on the smile, keep up the dance. Until one day I get tired of dancing alone and my music stops.