Pirate Alliance Preferences

From what Sanji had gathered from the pirate alliance thus far, Trafalgar Law was never an "unnecessarily talkative" person. While he did break into dramatic speeches every now and then, those were mainly because of so much emotion if not to stall in preparation for a bigger picture. He would also use a proper amount of detailed words—a mix of selfish but on point vocabulary—when explaining a plan or a situation. He was, however, never a fan of small talk. And this was fine with the Strawhat cook. In fact, he would have preferred it over the most recent question he popped at Luffy just now.

"So do you prefer me in boxers or naked?"

Motherfu—

Sanji almost crushed his teeth from how is jaw clenched in surprise, keeping himself from bursting into an aggravated yell of "what the fuck, shithead?" but then he wasn't supposed to be listening to begin with. Well, he didn't really mean to eavesdrop, but the two captains were talking just outside the kitchen in the middle of a quiet night so Sanji could hear them quite clearly even if he didn't want to. Sure, there was the sound of sea and wind, but not really enough to drown any of the words enough to be incomprehensible. Why did this have to happen on the night when Sanji had to do extensive inventory and sorting of supplies, spices, and whatnot?

"You mean when we're alone?" Luffy was talking like his mouth was full, which Sanji tried to use to distract himself with what the little shit had snuck out of the kitchen this time, "Or are we talking about in the middle of you seducing me or...?"

Seducing, he said.

Okay, so the food that was snuck out was important, but even more intriguing than that was Luffy mentioning Law seducing him… Did the older captain actually get to do something like that because how in the hell did Luffy even know what seduction was to begin with?

Argh. Sanji didn't have to care. What needed his attention right now was how he needed to stock up on more Marienona leaves and Fingersnap roots. That meant he needed to get bigger glass jars to put them in. Or did he need more glass jars in general? Did he have two or three glass jars with loose lid threads already?

"Come on, give me something to work with." Luffy again. Huh? Wait, was the little captain actually asking questions that led to more thinking? Questions that actually encouraged the use of any semblance of intelligence?

"No, just…" Sanji could somehow hear Law shrug. He didn't know how. "Okay, generally. Let's say generally."

Generally? What the fuck was generally? Like generally naked or generally in boxers? What the hell was this conversation?

Sanji wanted to slap himself. This didn't concern him. Stop spying on people.

"That doesn't tell me anything." Luffy sounded disappointed before he swallowed hard, forcing down whatever the hell he was chewing on earlier, "Give me a scene."

"Fine. Sleeping, then."

Trafalgar Law sleeping in boxers or sleeping naked… was god damn inappropriate for Sanji to ever think of especially in the middle of—Huh? Why did the guy in Sanji's imagination have green hair and—Wait. Wait, what was he doing again? Oh. Leaves, roots, jars. Sanji picked up a pen nearby and jotted down "jars" under "buy/get" on a pad of paper next to it.

"Sleeping... Hm." Luffy made a sound, the one he made before whenever he started spouting something absurdly stupid, "That's hard."

"What is?" Trafalgar Law laughed lowly, a bit too breathily to actually be amused, just enough to be suggestive, and more than enough for Sanji to cringe visibly. The cook put the pen down before he started stabbing people with it.

"Oh." Luffy sounded like he was smiling wider with each passing second, "Oh, I don't know. What is?"

No one could see, but that didn't mean Sanji couldn't do a mean eye roll to express his disdain at the insane levels of corny, cheesy, shitty fuck-flirting that was going on outside. More importantly, when the fuck did Luffy even start to get sexual jokes like that? And how in the hell did he even learn to respond flirtatiously? When was flirtatious a word used to describe Monkey D. Luffy? How was that a thing now?

"I don't know. You mentioned it first." Law's voice was getting a bit too husky for Sanji's comfort that he feared he might not be able to stop himself from bursting into flames and kicking the farce out of the supposedly more level-headed captain.

"Mentioned what first?" Luffy was one breath short of giggling.

"About something being hard." the Hearts captain murmured lowly and god damn, how did Sanji even hear that? The cook swatted an invisible something after feeling warm breath against his ear. No one was there. He was imagining things. God damn it.

"Oh, for the love of god." Sanji groaned and opened the cupboard above him, took one jar, and unscrewed the lid open to take a whiff of what was inside. Still good. Sanji screwed the lid back on.

"What was the question?" Luffy sounded like he was moving. The blonde cook wasn't sure. Didn't care.

"Me in boxers or naked while sleeping."

Just answer the goddamn question already!

"Okay, yeah." Luffy whispered, "I'm hard."

Not that question! Stupid motherfucking—Sanji put the jar back into the cupboard.

"Me in boxers. Or naked. While sleeping."

Sanji hated that he could figure out that Law was kissing his captain in between sentences. He could hear the horrendous lip smacking and Luffy's needy gasping. Luffy going "aah" was worse because then Sanji knew his mouth was open and with the sounds he was making, the Strawhat cook could easily deduce that his tongue was busy with something, which was probably none of Sanji's goddamn business. The only reason why he was not yelling at the two captains to shut the hell up was because… he… wanted to give them time to themselves. Yeah. Most definitely not because he was curious of Luffy's underwear preferences or lackthereof. And most definitely not because Sanji was asking the same question himself. About Zoro. Definitely not about Zoro.

"Hey…" Luffy managed to say in between kissing, "How about us naked and fucking the living daylights out of each other?"

For some bizarre fucking reason, Sanji felt the need to check on the wine in stock. He closed the cupboard with jars and opened the one next to it, revealing a few bottles of wine. There were two or three bottles more in the fridge. There should be more in the pantry. Right? Sanji closed the cupboard he was looking at.

"See?" Trafalgar Law laughed lowly, "You never follow instructions."

"Torao, why don't you ever count the times I get on my hands and knees for you when you tell me to?"

Sanji practically shot like a bullet to the pantry. What the sweet fuck?! He didn't need to hear this. Didn't. Okay. What was he doing here again? Oh. The wine. No, not here. Sanji turned on his heels and stomped towards the refrigerator, cursing at the lock for a while before the door swung open, cold air hitting him like a paddle in the face in one go.

"I was talking about our little game."

Sanji grabbed one of the wine bottles, walked towards the counter, and unscrewed the cork in record time.

"Rules change." Luffy said in the most seductive way anyone who wasn't Law had probably heard, "So… sex?"

"Fuck the both of you." Sanji muttered, bringing the wine bottle to his lips, tipping his head back and drinking like he was a thirsty, sexy Roronoa Zoro with red wine trickling down his massive bare chest and—

"Yo, cook." There was the marimo's voice with the sound of the opening door right on cue.

"Boxers, okay!? Boxers!" Sanji slammed the bottle down the counter so furiously that Zoro had to take a cautious step back, "Wh-what?"

The blonde cook brought the bottle up to his mouth again, taking one gulp of fine wine after the other because he deserved it for not disturbing the two captains outside. God fucking damn it. Sanji put the bottle down, breathing heavier than he thought he was before using his palm to wipe the corners of his mouth.

"Cook." the green-haired swordsman mumbled, looking away slightly, "How… How did you know I wasn't wearing any?"

For the love of all that is—The Strawhat cook's jaw tightened as his fingers gripped the counter as if to draw any sort of patience before he took a deep breath.

"Close the door." Sanji murmured, waving at Zoro to come towards him, but the swordsman only furrowed his eyebrows because he was a stupid shitty moss head who could not think.

"What? But I—"

"I said close the goddamn fucking door and come over here!"

-END-

AN: Written for de-stressing purposes after a tiring day of work.