warning: recreational drug use, mentioned past character death, over-drinking
He needs a break.
Outside, the air is fresh and slightly humid. It reminds him it already is the end of September. The music is dimmed, from being outside and by the French door closed behind him.
He turns his head, and realizes he is not alone.
Sitting at the edge on the pool, feet in the water, is a young man.
He can't help but think there is something mysterious about him. The only light that illuminates him comes from a pink spot inside. It makes his eyes look dark and deep and tints in rose the smoke unfurling from his parted lips. The ripples of the pool reflect on his skin. It sweeps over him gently, gives a soft look to the angle of his jaw and the bridge of his nose.
He feels his fingers twitch with want. He doesn't know for what. Would he have been a photographer, he would reaching for his camera. He's not. He's no artist.
He takes the time to commit the image to memory, instead.
He has the feeling, weird and unknown, the boy is missing something... someone. He doesn't know where it comes from. He walks to him. Maybe, he could fill the void, at least for a moment.
The boy turns his head when he hears him. His eyes flash with... Recognition? But it is gone the next second and he probably dreamt it.
He smiles hesitantly. The boy doesn't. He just watches as he sits next to him.
"Hey." The boy's eyes look very green in the darkness. He gives a small smile when he realizes someone talked to him, but it looks forced. "What's your name?"
"Eren." He moves his foot and makes little ripples in the pool. "You?"
"I'm Jason."
Eren cocks his head to the side. "I'll call you Jean."
"What?" He blurts out. "No. Why would you do that?" He protests.
"I just feel like calling you Jean." Eren smirks.
"This is stupid," Jean grumbles.
"Your face's stupid." Eren shoots back. His smile looks genuine this time. It's warm and lights up his eyes.
Jean sighs and decides to let it go. "Why are you not inside?" He asks, instead.
Eren threads his fingers through the water. "Parties are not really my thing," he mumbles.
"Why did you come, then?"
"Accompanied a friend." He sticks the cigarette between his lips, breathes in. He glances at Jean. "Want a drag?" He offers.
Jean shakes his head. "Give me your phone."
Eren raises an eyebrow. "What for?"
Jean glares. "To give you my number, what else?" He rolls his eyes.
Eren scowls but does as he is told. He puts his cigarette out on the floor and throws it in his empty plastic cup. He fishes his phone out of his pocket. Jean types his number in.
"Now you can text me when you're bored at a party," he mocks as he hands Eren his phone back.
"So considerate of you," Eren sneers.
Jean still finds a text from an unknown number the following morning. It's a simple emoji of a middle finger. He enters Eren as Pool Bastard.
This night, Jean dreams of a younger Eren, the angle of his jaw softer and his shoulders slightly less broad. But his eyes... They are the same, wide, bright and full of wonders.
Jean inspects the surfboard. There is a hole. An actual hole. He's glad it's not his. He doesn't even have a board. He's a skater, not a surfer.
"What happened again?" He asks Noah.
"An asshole crashed into me while I was on my bike, minding my own business. I fell, banged it up."
Seriously, car drivers never pay attention to bikers. Especially the ones with surfboards. With the beach so close, bicycle is the best thing after a scooter.
"Do I have to come with you?"
"I'll buy you an ice cream."
"Deal."
The surf shop is tiny and tucked away in one of the small alleys close to the beach. A bell jingles when they open the door. The floor is covered with fake white parquet. On the wall are hung pictures of surfers, flower necklaces, and various merchandise. Overall, it's a mess, but it's very welcoming.
There is no one at the counter. Or they thought. They hear the sound of someone hitting themselves, and the stranger curses loudly. They appear from behind the counter. It's Eren.
"Hi!" He greets them, all wide smile and bright eyes. He blinks when he recognizes Jean. "Oh, but isn't that Jean. Didn't think I would see you again so fast," he drawls and winks.
"Shut up," Jean answers creatively.
"You know each other?" Noah asks, confused. "And why does he call you Jean?"
Jean waves a hand dismissively. "I met him at the party two days ago. And he's weird."
Eren grins at Noah. "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Eren. What can I do for you?"
Noah puts his board on the counter, almost knocking off the pen pot. Jean catches it before it falls. He watches as Eren inspects the board, his smile gone. He's frowning, suddenly all professional. It's cute, Jean thinks.
"Yeah, we can fix it," he says. "You'll have to leave it here, though. It shouldn't take more than two days." He takes a sheet of paper and gives it to Noah with a pen. "Could you fill that please?"
Noah nods.
Eren leans forward on his elbows. He smiles distractedly at Jean, keeping an eye on what Noah is writing. It makes his black tank top dip and Jean catches a glimpse of his chest. Eren has broad shoulders and defined muscles. His skin is tan, his hair is a shaggy mess. On his neck, the hint of a tattoo. It must be on his back. He has everything of the California boy, Jean realizes, and snorts.
Eren sends him a questioning look. He shakes his head.
"So, Jean, you're a student?" Eren asks.
"Yeah, I'm doing my last year of my bachelor in marketing. You?"
"I finished my engineer bachelor last year, been working for the shop and giving surf lessons since."
Jean is surprised. Eren doesn't exactly look like the studying type.
"Done!" Noah declares.
Eren rapidly checks. "Looks good." He takes a sticky note, writes a number. "Come back in two days, give this number and you should get your board back hole free." Eren smiles, polite.
"Thanks," Noah chuckles.
Jean stares at his scribbles with increasing frustration. This makes no sense, and he knows he made a mistake, but he can't find where. He throws his pen on his desk, groaning. He needs help in math and he knows it.
He can't ask Noah, the guy is doing a music major. And he can't ask Lettie, she's in literature.
He eyes his phone. It seems to wink at him and Jean has the urge to tell it to fuck off. He sighs. College makes him think and do crazy things. However, there is still someone he can ask.
Eren and he have been trading texts back and forth for almost a week now. Eren is incredibly irritating, but he's also fun and blunt in a way that most management and marketing major are not. It's a nice change of pace, and even if he sometimes wants to punch his face in, he enjoys their conversations.
Also, he remembers that Eren has finished his engineer bachelor, which means he is pretty good at math.
Well, he doesn't have anything to lose. What's the worst that could happen? To be honest, he's not sure what the worst could be. That Eren is free and willing to help, or that he's not anything. Oh well, he'll see how it goes.
He dials Eren's number. It rings two times.
"Hello?"
"Um, hi it's Ja- Jean."
"Oh, Jean! Sorry, I didn't check who called before." He can hear the muffled sound of a voice in the background and Eren curses the person. "That was my flatmate. So what did you call for?"
"Well, I'm not doing too good in math, right now," Jean admits, and Eren snorts on the other side. "Fuck you."
"Nah, sorry, I shouldn't have laughed at you." Eren apologizes, but he can still hear the smile in his voice. "You'd like some help, it's what you mean?"
"Yeah," Jean concedes, reluctantly.
There's the sound of paper falling. "Shit," Eren says absentmindedly. "You're free, now? Want me to come?"
"Sure, that sounds good. I'll text you my address."
He doesn't have to wait long before Eren is here. They apparently don't live far from each other. He leaves his flip flops at the door, and Jean can't help but think that Eren would probably walk bare feet if he could. He has a string of colored pearls around the ankle.
He flops on Jean's bed, his legs hanging from the side. "Nice room you got there. Even though dorms suck."
His green eyes dart around, taking in the little details, the mess on Jeans desk, the pile of folded laundry that he still need to put in his cupboard. "You don't have a roommate?"
"No, I was pretty lucky."
Eren hums. "It's cleaner than I thought it would be."
"Fuck you," He growls. It makes Eren smile and stick his tongue at him. "You are a child."
"Well, the child is going to help you with your math, so no complaining."
He wants to say something back, but Eren has a point.
With a sigh, he makes space on his desk, and indicates to Eren to grab the stool in the corner of the room. He does as he is told and sits next to Jean. He leans over to check his notes. His hair tickles the skin of his shoulder. He smells like sea and sun. It suits him, Jean thinks.
"Probabilities," Eren murmurs to himself. He looks up and almost headbutts Jean. He makes an apologetic grimace. Their faces are so close that Jean can see the dusting of freckles on Eren's nose and cheeks.
"Didn't know you had freckles," he says without thinking.
Eren blinks owlishly, leaning back a little, and blushes slightly. "Yeah, they only appear in summer. It's the sun." He doesn't meet Jean's eyes. "Let's get to work."
Jean nods.
Eren is a surprisingly good teacher. He may be reckless and stubborn, but when he explains, he's patient and understanding. He doesn't mind repeating and his explanations are clear. He even adds little figures to help.
Jean wonders why he finds that weird. Eren did say that he teaches surf. He rationalizes that math and sports are fundamentally different, that's probably why.
He's currently playing on his phone, waiting for Jean to finish his exercise. He's scowling, as if upset, but Jean had quickly learned that a scowl is Eren's default expression when he's concentrated.
He hears his door open and frowns. He checks the time. It's already seven. Eren and him have been working for three hours straight and he hasn't even realized.
"Hey, Jason." Lettie smiles, and tucks a strand of brown hair behind her ear. She spots Eren and looks a bit surprised. "Oh, I didn't know you had someone over."
Eren is frowning, looking at Lettie.
"Oh, yeah sorry. This is Eren, he's helping me with my math." Jean presents him. "Eren, this is Laetitia, my girlfriend."
"Hi, Eren, nice to meet you."
Eren stands up and pockets his phone in one move. "Hi." He smiles politely. It looks strained. Jean wants to grab him, shake him and ask him what is wrong.
"We are getting something to eat with some friends, do you wanna come with us?" Laetitia offers.
Eren tenses, scowling. "No, um, I told Levi I would eat at home," he declines. "My flatmate. But thank you though," he adds as an afterthought.
He's not even trying to smile anymore, now. He slides on his flip-flops and opens the door. "Bye... Jason." He says just before closing the door behind him. Hearing his actual name in Eren's mouth makes something twist in his stomach.
With the speed at which he left, Jean can't help but think it was almost like he was fleeing. He doesn't know what, but he's sure he did something wrong.
"He looked nice. It's Eren, right?" Laetitia sends him a questioning look.
"Yeah," he confirms, his eyes still on the door.
"Mmh, not really the type of people you hang out with usually," she points out.
He doesn't answer.
the sky is blue
there is the stench of blood in the air
dismembered corpses on the floor, some half-bitten
a shadow
he looks up
it is tall
tall and full of teeth and its hand is reaching for him and he wants to scream, scream-
He wakes up, panting. The room is still dark. He hears the sheets ruffle and a small hand is on his arm.
"Your nightmares again?" Lettie asks with a soft voice. She gently traces circles on his skin with her fingers.
Jean sighs, throws an arm over his eyes. "Yeah."
Lettie moves her head from the pillow to his chest. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really."
"Okay." She doesn't push. "Think you can go back to sleep?"
He nods before realizing that she can't see him. He tells her he thinks he can. She hums, her breath already deep. It doesn't take long for her to fall asleep again. He stares at the dark, trying not to move, until he feels calmed down enough.
His sleep is restless and agitated.
Eren hasn't sent him a text in two days which is surprising. It worries Jean. It stares at his phone, his finger hovering over Eren's name.
He is startled by a hand on his shoulder.
"Jean, you okay?" Noak asks. "You've been burning holes in your phone for the past five minutes."
"Yeah I just-" He stops himself. He doesn't really know what he wants to say. "I haven't slept really well these past few days," he admits.
Noah frowns, a concerned look on his face. Jean doesn't like to worry him. He grits his teeth and shakes his head in a tiny movement to show him that he doesn't want to talk about it. They stare at each other for a bit, until Noah lets it go.
"Also, I think Eren's mad at me."
"Why do you think that?"
"He looked pretty upset when he left my room the other day. Plus, he hasn't texted me in two days."
Noah sits next to him, pushing his hair back with a hand. "Even if you don't know why, you should apologize, I think."
Jean cocks an eyebrow. "Why would I do that?"
Noah elbows him. "Let go of your pride for once, pretty boy, and just apologize. And invite him to the party tomorrow."
"Okay, okay," Jean sighs, but follows his friend's advice.
When Eren answers that it wasn't his fault and he didn't have to apologize, Jean can't help but smile. He feels like he's done something right.
He's fully grinning when Eren says he'll come as long as he can bring his friend. Obviously, he's not going to say no.
He doesn't know what he expected when Eren asked to bring a friend, but it was certainly not that.
The friend in question is a stunning tall girl with curly blond hair, emerald eyes and plump lips. She has an arm around Eren's and they're laughing together as they walk towards them.
She's dressed in a short flowery dress and sandals. Even Eren made an effort, wearing tight light blue jeans and Vans, instead of his usual shorts and flip flops.
"Hi," Eren greets them with a bright smile. He looks happy. "This is Raph"
"Nice to meet you!" She waves, grinning. "I'm Raphael, but please, call me Raph or Raphie."
She has a surprisingly deep voice for girl.
"Nice to meet you too, Raph. I'm Laetitia, but you can call me Lettie," Laetitia steps in. "You and Eren make such a pretty couple."
Raph and Eren look at each other for a second, before they burst out laughing. Eren shakes his hands vigorously. "Oh my god, no. We are not going out."
Lettie blushes. "I'm sorry!" She blurts out, sheepishly.
"It's okay, you are not the first one to make the mistake," Raph assures her, a hand on her shoulder. She smiles reassuringly.
Jean sees Eren frown slightly as he watches the exchange. "Raph, Lettie's going out with Jean."
She grins and winks at Jean. "You have good tastes, Jean."
Lettie flushes, stepping closer to Jean with a pleased smile. She thanks Raph.
Eren rolls his eyes and pushes his friend inside. "Let's get in, I wanna get drunk," he justifies and smiles at Jean. He shakes his head in return.
Eren and Raph go straight to the hard alcohol and socializing. It's easy, people seem to flock around them. They are both attractive and new. Raph is stunning and she knows it, batting her eyes to anyone who can make a cocktail. Eren doesn't seem to realize his own charm, but he never backs out of a challenge. Which leads him to drink three shots of gin.
Jean grimaces. Gin is the worst. It's absolutely disgusting. He shakes his head at Eren, nursing his own beer, having useless conversations with strangers. The brunet grins at Jean and trots to him.
He flops on the couch next to him. Jean realizes that, while sober Eren is already not big on personal space, drunk Eren has absolutely no concept of it, plastered to Jean's side.
"Having fun?" He asks, his eyes bright.
"Well, watching you down shots and scowling at the taste is pretty amusing," Jean concedes.
Eren grins happily. "Such a charmer, Jean," he jokes, batting his eyelashes.
Raph joins, her cheeks flushed, her eyes wide, and crawls on Eren's lap.
"Ereeeeeen," she drawls. "Come dance with me."
"Sure, but you don't have to climb on me to ask." He doesn't seem to mind it, though, giggling.
Jean quickly learns that Eren is a good dancer. Even tipsy, his movements attract gazes. He's honest in the way he dances, as he seems to be in everything, putting all his energy in it, pulling Raph with him, turning around her, laughing.
"They are very beautiful," Lettie's voice says next to his ear. "Especially Eren."
Jean turns to her, surprised. He hasn't heard her coming, but he reckons that the loud music doesn't help.
"Careful, you're gonna make me jealous," he jokes.
Lettie laughs, but there is an odd look in her eyes. He's too warm and tipsy to worry about it.
The music changes, and the slow beat of the song fills the air. It seems to make everything heavier, the heat of the room, the alcohol in his veins. Eren's movements are sensual and tantalizing, the way he slides his hands down Raph's body, how he arches in the leisure rhythm, the column of his neck when he throws back his head.
He is so gorgeous, it's almost sinful.
When their gazes meet, Eren's eyes all fire and brazing, when he mouths the words of the song, Jean wants nothing more than to tear his clothes apart, bite his shoulder, mark his supple legs and his neck, until the only sounds out of Eren's lips are mewls and cries and Jean's name.
An hour later, once he's home, he fucks Lettie hard against the wall, her legs around his waist. As he comes, it's Eren's name tumbling from his mouth and he has to muffle it against Lettie's neck.
And the words of the song on Eren's lips earlier sound terribly ironic as they echo into his mind.
are you thinking of me when you fuck her
He dreams of Eren. He dreams of Eren and a beautiful Asian girl and a soft blond boy. And he knows, when he wakes up, they are the someone who had been missing on that first night he met him.
On his back, staring at the darkness of the room, the regular breathing of Lettie next to him, he wonders if he is going crazy.
'wanna come over at my place for math 2day?'
Jean stares at the text for a long time. He's considered ignoring Eren after the events of two weeks ago. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. Apart from the obvious attraction he has for him, he actually likes Eren. He's frustrating and infuriating but he's endearing and funny and honest and actually calls Jean out on his crap.
He doesn't want to ignore Eren.
So here they are, Jean ignoring his attraction to Eren and his guilt toward Lettie, while trying to live his life as normally as possible.
They've instated a Math Thursday since the first time they met. They usually do it at Jean's place. He's never been to Eren's, though.
'Sure, just text me your address'
Twenty minutes later, he rings at the door of a third-floor apartment in a small residence. A short angry-looking man with piercing gray eyes and black hair opens the door and Jean's breath hitches, his heart slams in his chest-
"Who are you? And what the fuck are doing here?"
The moment is broken. He blinks.
"I'm Jason. I mean, Jean. A friend of Eren."
The man scowls, and crosses his arms. "Yes, I've heard about you." He stares at Jean. "Eren gave you one of his names?"
"Oh, yeah." Jean fidgets. "I don't mind you calling me Jean, though. It'll just be easier." He makes an effort to smile.
The guy nods. "I'm Lucian, the flatmate. But call me Levi, like Eren does."
He opens the door and lets Jean in. He takes his shoes off. He looks around. It's a very nice apartment. The kitchen is open with a bar. A living room on the right. Luminous, well decorated, and extremely clean. At the back right corner, a hallway.
"Eren's in his room," Levi tells him. "First door on the left."
Jean thanks him, walks to Eren's room. He knocks but no one answers. He opens the door, looks in. Eren is on his bed, on his stomach, his feet in the air. He's wearing tantalizing tiny shorts, baring his lean golden legs and Jean swallows, hard.
He is bobbing his head to the music blaring in his headphones. No wonder he didn't hear.
Jean touches his shoulder but Eren doesn't jump in surprise. No, he grabs Jean's wrist and throws him on the bed, pinning him to the mattress with his weight in one smooth and efficient move. His expression is twisted, his brows furrowed, obviously ready to fight, a feral look in his eyes, until he recognizes Jean. He blinks, and his entire posture changes from almost ferocious to apologetic in a split second.
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that! You startled me." He apologizes profusely. "Are you okay? Did I hurt you?"
Eren is palming Jean's body, checking his arms and chest for any injury, muttering to himself.
"Eren," he calls. The brunet doesn't answer, still poking at him. Jean grabs his hands. "Eren. Look at me." He does, biting his lips, still looking terribly sorry. "I am fine," Jean assures him. "I just didn't expect it." He grins reassuringly at Eren, and he gets a small tentative smile in return. Good enough. "If you could get off me now, that would be great."
Eren blushes, slightly embarrassed. "Yeah, sorry," he says, as he climbs off Jean, and sits crossed legs on the bed.
Jean sits up. "How did you even do that, anyway?"
Eren bites his lips, twisting his hands. "Took classes," he says. It's vague, and Jean kind of wants to ask more, but Eren is looking very uncomfortable.
He looks around instead. Eren's room is messy, but clean. There are posters on the walls, bands, a couple series, and pictures of sea animals. Photos are taped just over the bed. Raph and Eren are smiling widely on one of them. Two people that must be Eren's parents, Levi and Eren on another, the brunet grinning softly.
"How long have you known Levi?"
Eren looks thoughtful. "Ten years, I guess? We've been living together for four. He used to live with someone else before, but the other guy left to move in with his girlfriend. Since I was going to university anyway, I came here."
Jean hums. That explains why they look so close in the picture. "Where does he work?"
"He's a cop."
"Oh. Doesn't it bother you?"
Eren shrugs. "Not really. He's cool with me. I mean, sure, if I steal something or whatever he's going to arrest me. But most of the time he just lets me live my life." Eren smiles. "He looks scary, but he's really gentle. He cooks me dinner when I come home late, and he grumbles a lot, but he always buys my favorite food. And he looks out for me a lot."
"That's... nice," Jean forces himself to say, ignoring the ugly feeling in his guts.
He realizes it's jealousy.
It scares him. Because jealousy implies feelings. Because, maybe, just maybe, what he's feeling for Eren isn't just mindless attraction.
He turns and returns the idea again in his head. He can't concentrate, even as Eren explains contour lines and functions of several variables to him. The words wash over him, uselessly heard. His gaze drifts to Eren. He follows the line of his straight nose, the soft curve of his mouth and his strong jaw. The hint of the tattoo that always peeks teasingly out of his shirt, without ever revealing itself.
He jumps when Eren closes the book loudly.
"This is useless. You are not listening to me."
"I-" He stops. There's no point in lying or finding an excuse. "Yeah, sorry."
Eren frowns. Jean first thinks it's anger, but eventually recognizes concern. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
He hesitates. Eren smiles reassuringly. He can yell, he can fight, but once you're friend with Eren, he'll always take care of you.
Eren stands up and plops on the bed. "Come on, let's get comfortable." He wiggles his toes, sends a wink to Jean.
He shakes his head. "How old are you? Ten?" He still joins Eren on the bed.
He grabs his foot, tries to tickle him, but Eren twists away before he can, sending him a glare. He curls up on himself, his pillow in his arms, his knees to his chest. His eyes are on Jean, intense and determined, and it makes him fidget.
"What even are these shorts? Aren't they female ones?"
"I guess." He doesn't sound very bothered. "Raph gave them to me. They are comfy." He sends a pointed look to Jean and pokes him with his foot. Jean grabs his ankle, smoothes his thumb over the skin he can reach. Eren looks distracted for a second, biting his lips. He scowls, shakes his foot. "Stop trying to change the subject."
Jean raises his hands in surrender. "I'm not. Promise."
"So spill the beans."
He doesn't really know how to start. He is not even sure of his own feelings. It's all a bit messy and muddled. Between his nightmares and his sentiments, he's a bit lost. But he can't ask about the dreams. Eren may be open-minded, but anyone would think him insane if they knew about them. He settles for the next best thing.
"Do you think it's possible to love two people at the same time?"
"Romantically?"
"Yeah."
"Sure. Imagine if your spouse died and you couldn't love anyone anymore." Eren says, as if Jean's question had been stupid. "Love, it's personal. The love you have for someone doesn't define the love you have for someone else."
Eren makes things so simple, it sounds too easy. In his world, everything is black or white. Jean envies his clear-cut opinions, sometimes.
He shifts, lays on the bed. Eren follows. It's a single be. It makes them really close to each other. Jean can see the nuances of blue and green in his eyes, the splattering of freckles like little stars on his skin. He is warm and comfortable. He feels sleepy.
"What does love feel like?" He murmurs in the space between their bodies.
"It's different for everyone." It is not an answer, but there is wisdom in Eren's words, a heaviness that speaks of a knowledge that a twenty-three years old shouldn't have.
Eren's breath washes over his lips, deep and regular. All the hours he didn't sleep seem to be catching up to him, and his eyelids are fighting to close.
"Have you ever been in love?" He breathes. Eren doesn't answer and he closes his eyes.
"I have, once in a dream." He hears as he slips into sleep.
But the whisper sounds a bit too soft, a bit too fond for Eren, and he's not sure if he dreamt the words.
the fire is warm, the flames dancing, its crackles sounding like a laugh
the boy with bright eyes, the girl with fair skin, and the boy with blond hair are huddled together in a corner
they are one family
the glow of the fire sweeps over the boy next to him. reveals his freckles lights up his soft brown eyes.
marco
marco is friendship, marco is kindness, marco is his own family
He wakes up to the sound of someone clearing their throat.
He's curled up against something warm. He opens his eyes to the dark color of someone's skin.
Eren.
He sits up straight. Levi is watching them, his arms crossed, looking clearly amused. Eren whines at the movement, and Jean has the irrational urge to shush him, as if he could hide the evidence of their bodies tangled up together.
"I thought you were supposed to study?"
Jean winces. "We got um... sidetracked."
Levi snorts. "I can see that." He bends over, ruffles Eren's hair. "Wake up."
Eren groans and opens bleary eyes. His hair is a mess, his shirt is rumpled, he has pillow marks on his cheek. Overall, he looks adorable. He frowns when he sees Jean. "Oh, we fell asleep." He sends a dopey grin at Jean and climbs out of bed.
He stretches and Jean's eyes follow the line of his body, his strong arms, the way the muscles of his back roll under his t-shirt, the miles of golden skin exposed by his shorts.
"Is Jean staying for dinner?" Levi's deep voice interrupts his staring.
He flushes, clears his throat. "No it's- I'm-"
"Don't hurt yourself, kid." Levi sneers and Eren giggles. "You won't offend me if you refuse."
Jean grimaces awkwardly, bashful. "Yeah, sorry. I still have work to do. Thank you for the offer, though."
Levi shakes his head. They walk back to the living room. The older man moves to the kitchen, checking the content of his pan. Eren hops on the bar. Jean watches them for a few seconds as they discuss quietly, comfortable with each other.
He considers leaving without saying anything, leave them in their little bubble. But Eren turns around and sends him a smile, waving. He feels warm, and he doesn't know if it's from Eren's cheerful goodbye or the leftover melancholy of his dream.
Raph is doing his nails, his tongue poking out from the side of his mouth.
Jean had been a bit surprised when he had opened Eren's apartment door to find Raph on a chair, in nothing but a t-shirt and boxers, with short curly blond hair and a definitely flatter chest than the last time he's seen him.
A quick explanation had helped ("Genderfluid, Jean. Not a cross-dresser. Sometimes I'm a boy, like now. Sometimes I'm a girl. Sometimes both, sometimes neither. You've just always seen me on my girl's days."), but he still gets a bit surprised from time to time.
Ten days later, he's mostly used to it.
Raph, Eren and he are watching Kingsman, eating junk food. The smell of nail polish is heavy in the air. Eren is leaning against him, his feet on the table. He's munching on popcorn.
"Haven't heard you talk about Lettie in a while," he says, distractedly.
Raph hums. "True that. You guys are okay?"
"We're fine," Jean grumbles.
They aren't.
They haven't talked in four days and haven't texted in three. The past two weeks their conversations have been short and tense.
His feelings for Eren are mostly quiet. Hanging around in the back of his mind. They appear sometimes, a bit randomly, when he's zoning out in class, when he sees a book about the ocean. But they are present, and when Jean kisses Lettie and expects to see bright teal eyes when he opens his own, instead of the usual soft brown ones, he can't help the wave of guilt inside him.
And guilt doesn't help in a relationship.
"If 'ou 'ay 'o," Eren mumbles around a mouthful of popcorn. Jean doesn't understand one word.
"We could do something like... a double date?" Raph proposes.
"With who? You and Eren?"
"Sure," Eren shrugs. He leans towards Raph, batting his eyelashes. "Would you go out with me, Raphael, you beautiful human being?"
Raph giggles falsely, hiding his mouth behind his hand. "I would love too, dear Eren."
Jean shakes his head but he can't help smiling at their antics. "You are both ridiculous."
Knock. Knock.
He looks up. At the window, Eren's smiling face.
He frowns. "What are you doing here?" He asks, as he opens his dorm window.
Eren climbs inside. "Well, Raph and I were at a party and it was really boring, so I left. And yesterday you looked kinda down, so I thought I'd show something really cool."
"At one am?"
There's a twinkle in Eren's eyes, now. "Also, I may have stolen some weed from the party. Just sayin'."
He raises an eyebrow, a bit surprised. "Deal."
Eren smiles in victory. Jean puts some shoes on and follows Eren out of the building through the window. He's on the first floor, it's easy.
"So, where are we going?"
"Surprise!"
Figures.
Eren is humming on the way, almost skipping. Jean kind of wants to take his hand. He doesn't obviously. He stays a few steps behind him. That way, he can stare all he wants and doesn't have to keep his expressions in check.
They walk for around ten minutes. The air is cool, it is nice. Eren leads him around a gray building. There's an old iron door. He watches as the brunet rummages around until he holds out a key, grinning, triumphal.
"The old janitor has a tendency to lose his key so he hides one here."
It's a pool, with a glass ceiling.
Eren steps inside and takes his shoes off. The smell of chlorine fills his nose.
"So what do you think?" Eren looks at him expectantly.
"It's pretty cool," he admits.
Eren socks him in the arm. "It's awesome, you mean, you fucker."
"Bastard."
"Jerk."
They both laugh, pushing each other around.
They eventually settle on the edge of the pool. Eren pulls his jeans up and lets his feet soak in the water. He's leaning back on his hands, looking at the sky. It reminds Jean of the first night they met and how mysterious he thought this kid looked.
But Eren is so much more. A bit crazy, a bit reckless, a bit angry, a spoon of good humor, a dash of sexiness, a drop of sadness and a whole lot of love.
He wants to reach out and tuck his stray hair back behind his ear. Brush the barely visible freckles along his cheekbones. Smother his lips with his own.
He looks away to derail his train of thought.
"So, was the weed only a bait, or do you actually have some?"
Eren fakes being offended. "How can you believe that of me?" He shakes his head, but he can't help but grin. Eren's not a very good liar, anyway. "I do have some weed."
He takes it out of his pocket. Jean takes the little packet from his hand. "I'll roll it."
Eren accepts with a nod.
He watches as Jean prepares the joint. Once it's done, Jean puts the tip in his mouth and leans over Eren as the brunet holds a flaming lighter. He inhales deeply, feeling the smoke burn down his throat. It feels good. He blows the rest on Eren's face. He receives a glare in exchange.
He holds out the joint to Eren. He notes the way he wraps his lips around the roll of paper. It may be the atmosphere, or even the darkness, but it looks strangely sensual.
Eren lets himself fall back until his back is on the floor. Jean follows. The glass ceiling is covered with the reflection of the ripples of the water, just like they were reflected on Eren's skin that first night. It is beautiful.
He watches as Eren blows smoke. It curls on itself and slowly disappears until he can see nothing but the dark sky bare of stars. They are hardly visible in cities.
"D'you believe in reincarnation?" Eren mumbles.
He turns his head towards him. Eren is not looking at him. "Like past lives and stuff?"
"Yeah."
Eren passes him the joint. He takes a drag. It makes him slightly dizzy. "I don't know, man," he admits. "What would you want to be if you were reincarnated? Human again?"
He can hear Eren shift beside him. He glances at him. He's just sprawled on his back like a starfish. "Nah," he breathes. "I'd be a ray."
He frowns. "A ray?"
"Y'know, the animal that looks like a sea carpet?"
Jean snorts. "Yeah, I see. But why?"
He hands the joint to Eren. He takes a long time to answer. When he does, eventually, his voice sounds far away, almost as if he weren't really here anymore.
"To go at the bottom of the ocean," he breathes. "To sink in the endless deep blue and feel the calmness of the sea. Know that you're not going back to the surface and can just leave everything to the water."
"Sounds like you've already been there, dude," Jean mumbles without thinking.
"Maybe I have," Eren acknowledges in a voice that is barely more than a murmur.
Jean chuckles and steals back the joint. "You're so high, man." Eren turns his head and blinks at him.
His pupils are blown wide but he can still see the teal color of his eyes. He can't help but think Eren may have stolen a part of the ocean and hid it in his iris.
He stands up and almost stumbles. Eren giggles. Jean extends his hand, and he stares at it.
"Come on, asshat, we're both high as fuck, you especially. I'm taking you back to your apartment."
Eren's mouth makes a little 'o' like he just understood what the hand was for. It's a bit comical. He does grab Jean's hand eventually, and lets himself be pulled to his feet.
Eren locks the door once they are out. He puts the key back where they found it.
"We have to get Raph before going home."
Jean groans. "Why?"
"She crashes at my place tonight and she doesn't have the key."
"Can't Levi open to her?"
"He's away for a few days."
Jean grumbles but accepts. Eren texts his best friend.
They walk side by side in silence. It isn't uncomfortable. Sometimes their fingers brush, and Jean's heart speeds up slightly. He doesn't really mind it. The drug has made everything a bit hazy, a bit softer.
They don't even have to look for Raph. She's sitting on the side of the road, playing with her phone. She's wearing a tight red dress and holding her heels in her hand. Eren pulls her by the hand and doesn't let it go.
To anyone else, Jean is aware they would look like a couple. But he knows that they are very close friends and that Eren is just naturally a tactile person.
As they step into Eren's apartment, he watches with amusement as the first thing Raph does is throw her wig on the sofa. Eren shimmies out of his jeans and they finish alongside the wig.
"Eren, can you open my dress please?"
He does, without really paying attention, yawning loudly. Jean can't help but find it cute.
Raph drops her breath and unclasps her bra, throwing it on the floor, accompanied by her fake breasts. She's wearing boxers. Jean decides it's his cue to go.
"Thanks for the night, Eren." He sends him a small smile. "I really liked it."
Eren's expression is so damn fond and tender, his heart skips a beat. "I'm glad. I really liked it too, Jean."
it's done
peaceful
the war is no more
the boy with the bright eyes wants to see the ocean, he always has
his family will come too
the corporal will follow, he's a bit part of the boy's family, he thinks
come with us, the boy says to him, you can show marco, too
maybe he's also family
He wakes up and he cries.
He cries for Marco, his friend, his brother from his dreams.
He cries for all the people that died with him before the end.
He cries because everything should only be a dream but he feels like a part of himself died with Marco, the boy with freckles from his dreams.
He curls up on the side, his hands fisted in the sheets. He has classes later, but the prospect of moving sounds exhausting.
Eren had asked him last night, if he believed in reincarnation. He had sounded like a joke. But now that he dreamt of him and the Asian girl and the blond boy, that he dreamt of Marco, of his death, the idea sounds strangely reassuring. Means he's not slowly losing his mind.
What would he say, though?
'I think I was a soldier in another life, in a world where humans were hunted by giant humanoid creatures with creepy faces and going around naked'
He laughs bitterly. It sounds hollow in the silence of the room.
He throws himself in his studies, curled up over his books.
He pushes everything out of his mind. His relationship with Lettie is already falling apart, it's too late to save it. He's not sure he wants to, anyway.
He stops sometimes, stares at the window. He thinks about Marco, his freckles all over his cheekbones and nose, and his soft, warm, brown eyes. He thinks about Eren, the dark color of his skin, his bright ocean eyes, the way his laugh twinkles in them.
He's frustrated. He's frustrated with his classes. He's frustrated with Lettie. He's frustrated with his life. Mostly, he's frustrated with himself.
He's distracted. His favorite mug slipped from his grip yesterday. It shattered on the floor. Jean had stared at it for a good few seconds before shuffling to the broom closet.
He has two papers to write for the next week and he doesn't know how to start. It is the worst. He has the research, he has the quotes. But the words continue to elude him. It's not a book, he tells himself, you don't need to write well. Just start. It hasn't worked yet.
He needs to take a break. He texts Eren asking him if he wants to come over.
He doesn't have to wait long. Eren climbs into his room through the window and doesn't wait to make himself at home. He flops on the bed, grins at him. Jean comes to sit next to him. His hair is still slightly wet. He slips one brown strand between his thumb and index.
"Yeah, sorry, 'was at the beach," Eren explains.
He shakes his head. He should be the one to apologize. "You didn't have to come."
Eren bumps his shoulder with his own. He doesn't move away. Jean appreciates his warmth against him. "I wanted to," Eren says, in his simple way of his.
Jean's heart skips a beat.
He pulls his laptop on his thigh. "Do you wanna watch something?"
Eren bobs his head, pressing harder against his shoulder to peer at the screen. "Sure, what d'you have?"
Jean clicks on his Netflix account. He barely scrolls down before Eren stops him. "You've seen Brooklyn-99? It's hilarious."
He follows the advice.
He is more interested in the way he can hear Eren chuckle softly. He feels his body shake against his shoulder and discreetly pushes their thighs together. Eren gradually sags against him, and eventually even lets his head rest against Jean's shoulder. His hair smells like sea and salt, and Jean's fingers twitch with the urge to run through his messy strands. Jean gets lost in the way Eren shifts next to him, their closeness, his giggles and snorts. The shadow of his long eyelashes on his cheeks, the plump curve of his lips.
They watch two episodes. Jean cannot name two characters. He's too distracted. He doesn't realize Eren is talking to him until a hand is on his arm.
"Are you okay? You look tired."
Jean stares at him. He wants to kiss him. He wants to sooth his thumb along his cheekbone, cradle his face in his hands, he wants, so, so much, he doesn't know what to do with himself.
"WhatwouldyoudoifIkissedyou?" He blurts out in one breath because he can't stop himself.
Eren frowns, confused. "What?"
He does. He leans forward, and gently pushes his lips against Eren's. It's warm and salty. Eren stays still and tensed for a moment. Jean hesitantly slides his hands up his arms, until he can swipe his thumb along his jaw and Eren relaxes into the kiss, moving his mouth against his own. He gently bites at his bottom lip, and Eren groans, grabbing a fistful of his hair.
He goes to open his mouth but Eren suddenly pushes him back by his shoulder. He falls on the bed, gaping.
"What the fuck, man!?" He exclaims.
Eren is watching him with wide eyes, as if not sure of what just happened, not sure of what he just did. He recoils on himself, twisting his hands.
"I- I can't," he stutters.
Jean sits up. "You... can't?"
Eren casts his gaze down. "You have a girlfriend," he mutters.
"I don't think we are still going out with each other," he admits. "We haven't talked in a week."
Eren picks at his ankle bracelet. "Why did you kiss me?"
Jean cocks his head to the side. "I thought it was obvious? I like you."
Eren sucks in a breath, hugging his knees to his chest. "I don't like you." He looks away.
The tip of his ears is red. He doesn't know how, but he definitely remembers someone telling him that Eren's ears turn red when he lies.
"You are lying."
He's never been known for his tact.
Eren's eyes snap forward. "I am not." He bites out.
Jean grits his teeth. "You know, I'm old enough to handle rejection. You don't have to lie."
Eren stands up, his hands in fists. "You wouldn't understand." He snarls.
Jean rises to all his size and looks down at the brunet, savoring the inches he has on him. "I don't get you." He takes a step forward. "You like me and you lie about it than spouts some bullshit about not understanding or whatever!"
"I don't need a reason to reject you!"
He throws his hand in the air. "This is not the problem!"
"Then, what is the problem!?"
"YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!"
"YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!"
Eren is baring his teeth, eyes raging. He looks feral. Untamed, ferocious. Jean, in this moment, can't stand it. "BECAUSE YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT YOU, EREN! I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF EREN IS YOUR ACTUAL NAME. THE ONLY TIMES YOU DO IS WHEN YOU ARE HIGH OR DRUNK!"
"FUCK YOU!" Eren roars.
He leaves by the door for once. He slams it behind him, hard enough to make the thin walls shake.
Jean can't take off his mind the way Eren had looked, like a dangerous but wounded animal and it hurts him to realize that he may have been the cause of the wound.
He goes through the next days in a daze. His sleep is plagued with nightmares. He writes his papers because he doesn't want to think about Eren. He cleans his room because he doesn't want to think about Eren. He takes Noah's offer to a party because he doesn't want to think about Eren.
He is clearly moping, watching the dancing crowd, not trying to hide it.
Noah, already tipsy, plops on the couch next to him. "Dude, what crawled up your ass?'
"Nothing," Jean mutters.
Noah scoffs. "I know I'm an airhead, but I'm not stupid. Is it Lettie? I haven't seen her in a while."
Jean lets himself sink deeper into the couch. "I don't wanna talk about it."
He avoids Noah's gaze. His friend hums. "Eren, then." Jean sends him a surprised look. Noah laughs. "Dude, you complain and ramble about Lettie for hours when she's done something wrong. Or you fought, or whatever. But when it's Eren you just kinda... close up."
Jean scowls. "I hadn't realized."
"So what did you do?"
He grips his drink harder. "We fought."
Noah stays silent for a moment. "A bad fight?" He ventures.
Jean nods slowly. "I don't think a simple apology is going to fix it." He stares at the dark alcohol in his cup. "We haven't talked at all in a few days and... I'm not sure it's only because of the fight." He almost breaks his plastic cup with how tense he is. Noah gently pries it from his hand, puts it on the table. "There was something... else."
Noah puts an arm around his shoulder. "You know what? You need to get wasted. I just happen to have this very good vodka in my bag and I am willing to share it with you."
Needless to say, Jean gets very very drunk.
It doesn't help him sleep. He dreams of the giants again. Titans. He can put a name on them now. The dreams have been getting clearer. They aren't just emotions and people or monsters (sometimes both) but real scenes.
He wakes up screaming, terror still etched on his face, in every fiber of his being. He can still almost smell the blood of the stranger who had been ripped in half before his eyes.
He stumbles out of bed, dizzy from fear and alcohol, and empties his guts in the toilets. He is not sure of the cause. The drinks, or the atrocious death.
He stays for a while longer, hunched over the bowl, heaving, jumping at every sound.
He eventually hobbles back to his room and lays in bed for hours, unable to sleep, twisting his hands in the sheet.
Lettie finds him after his classes. She stands in front of him, her hair pulled up in a ponytail, her arms crossed.
"We need to talk," she says.
She's right. It doesn't mean he wants to. He's tired and he doesn't want to deal with this, right now.
But Lettie does, and they end up across each other, a drink in front of them, in a small café. It is mostly empty, a fact Jean is incredibly grateful for. The ambiance music is low, soothing.
His peace is short, however.
"I think we should break up."
He expected it. He even wanted it to a certain extent. It still hurts. "I'm sorry," he apologizes, because he doesn't know what else to say.
Lettie sighs. It sounds sad. "I can't even tell you it isn't your fault, because it is." She fixes his gaze on him and ducks his head, staring at his coffee. "You've been distant, cold, the past two months. And I know you have nightmares and you don't sleep well, but I feel like I barely exist for you." She stops a moment, hesitant. "Pretty much since you met Eren."
This time, he glares at her. "It's not Eren's fault. He has nothing to do with this."
Lettie laughs. It's dark and devoid of all humor. "Does he really? Don't you think I haven't seen the way you look at him?"
He opens his mouth, but guilt keeps him silent. "It's not his fault," he repeats, like a petulant child. "Eren is... He's stupid but he's so righteous. He wouldn't do something that could break us up."
"I'm not saying Eren is the bad guy here, Jason." He doesn't like the sound of his own name. "We don't love each other. And it's fine. I liked the time we dated." Lettie's smile is sad, but soft.
"I wanted to love you." He blurts out, because some things have to be said before it is too late.
She takes his hand in hers. "It's okay. Some relationships are not meant to last. It doesn't make them less real." She grins a little. "I admit it's a bit strange to lose you to a guy but you did tell me you are bisexual."
He bites his lip. "Eren and I, we aren't..." He trails off. They aren't exactly anything at the moment, but he doesn't want to say that to Lettie. This is his problem and only his.
Lettie chuckles. "I know. You're not the type, you care too much."
Silence falls between them. Eventually, Lettie pulls her wallet out, leaves enough to pay for her drink and stands up. She kisses him at the corner of his lips.
"Goodbye, Jason," she murmurs against his skin, fond and sad.
He watches her as she leaves, follows her silhouette through the window. He stares at the empty street long after she's gone.
He's tired. A bone-deep exhaustion that leaves him sore and dazed.
More often than not, he wakes up with sweat on his skin, the phantom taste of blood on his lips, and death in his mind. Sometimes, he stumbles to the shower, curls up on himself under the hot water, and sobs loudly in his hands, dead names on the tip of his tongue. He doesn't know if they've ever been alive one day, though, and this is the worst. All of this, all this suffering, had it really happened?
Sometimes, it is so horrible, so harsh, he wishes it hadn't. But other times, after nightmares that leave him disoriented and lost, he wants it so bad to have been true in a distant past, just so that he finally knows, this is not madness taking hold of him.
Noah comes by sometimes, looking terribly concerned, but he also has classes and papers. He can't take care of Jean. He sends a text reminding him to eat from time to time. Jean is grateful.
He still spends most of his nights wide awake, too scared of his nightmares to try and close his eyes.
He isn't sleeping when his phone rings at 3 am. The awkward hour between the late night and the early morning. Eren's contact is displayed on the screen.
"Eren?"
There is a giggle on the other side. "Jean. Jean, I missed you." Eren sounds drunk. Jean's heart hurts in his chest.
"Eren, where are you?"
For a few seconds, he can only hear breathing. "Hey, Jean, am I even human?" Eren asks, in a hollow voice. He sounds like he is just repeating the words, his mind far away. Panic floods in Jean, and he doesn't know why. "Could I even die? Do you think I could die from drowning?"
It's not panic anymore that Jean feels. It is endless terror. "Eren, Eren! Where are you? Please tell me!" He begs.
"Water and stars," Eren says. "They are pretty."
The pool. This is where. "Stay on the phone, okay? Talk to me."
He grabs his shoes and his keys. "Eren?" He calls. No answer. Eren hung up.
He thinks he has never run so fast in his life. His heart is pounding, he is dizzy from the effort, the fear, everything. He stumbles in the building. He can't see Eren.
He takes a few steps in. It is dark and hard to distinguish details. His breathing is ragged.
"Eren?" He shouts. "Eren!"
He looks around. Where is he? Where is he, where is he, where where where...
There.
In the water, close to the edge, a shadowy silhouette.
He runs to it.
"No, no, nonononono," he pleads. Prays.
This can't be happening.
He grabs Eren, pulls him out of the water. Eren opens his eyes, stares at him in surprise.
"Jean? What are you doing here?"
He slaps him. Hard. And then pulls him in crushing hug, burrowing his face in his shoulder, sobbing and whimpering, holding him desperately.
"You- Don't ever do that again, bastard" he chokes out.
Eren still looks a bit confused. "I was just in the pool. I wasn't even in long before you pulled me out."
Jean punches him in the arm. "I thought you drowned yourself!" He cries out. "You weren't moving and you had all your clothes on! I thought- I thought you were dead."
"Oh," Eren breathes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."
He lets Jean hug until he is cold and shivering. He is still dripping wet. Jean realizes it and lets him go.
They make their way to Eren's apartment slowly. The brunet is still fairly tipsy and confused. It makes Jean wonders, with worry, about how much alcohol Eren has consumed to be in this state.
They walk as quietly as possible inside, Jean pulling Eren to his room.
He sits him on the bed. He pulls his jeans off his legs. "Raise your arms," he murmurs. He takes his shirt off. Eren lets himself fall on the bed and twists until he's on his stomach, his face shoved into the pillow.
Jean watches as his muscles roll under his tattooed skin. It's the first time he sees them. His back and right shoulder blade are covered with a ray. It seems to swim on Eren's back as he moves. It looks like someone has thrown watercolor on his skin rather than spent hours bent over him. On his left shoulder blade, sunflowers. They look good on Eren's golden skin. He can't help but trace them with the tip of his fingers, staring in awe.
Eren shifts slightly and peeks at Jean with one eye. He retracts his hand, blushing. He hadn't meant to do that.
"A ray?" He asks. It sounds like a déjà-vu.
" 'told you the other night," Eren mumbles.
Jean didn't think he remembered. Eren had been pretty stoned. He feels like it had been a lifetime ago.
He realizes that rays seem to have a deeper meaning to Eren than he thought.
"Strange choice to put sunflowers next to it." He points out. "There is no sunflower in the sea."
"Don't know that," Eren slurs. "The ocean's mostly unexplored."
Jean snorts. "It's impossible."
"There are impossible things that happen anyway."
Jean shakes his head and pulls the covers over him. He ruffles his hair. "Go to sleep, Eren."
The brunet makes a sleepy sound, closes his eyes. "G'night, Jean."
Levi is awake and watching him critically when he comes out. Sitting on the sofa, he doesn't say anything to Jean, but he can see the disapproval in his gray eyes.
Jean shuffles and fidgets. He tries a polite smile just before leaving. He receives a glare. He doesn't stay a second longer.
The ocean. It is wide and bright, sparkling under the sun like it contains billions of gems.
Eren is watching with bright eyes the same color as the water.
A few meters in front of them, a cliff. All the way down, the water.
"I'm gonna go down," Eren informs them, already readying his 3DMG. He jumps. Jean sees it from the corner of his eye, the fast deadly silhouette and the cable are broken and Eren is plummeting to his death, falling far far away from the stones-
He wants to run, he needs to run, but someone is holding him and he fights and struggles against them but he can't move. He can only stare at the water where it swallowed-
Eren.
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Eren is dead.
He can't breathe. He can't breathe. He gapes, heaves. He is panicking, his heart is screaming at him. There are tears on his cheek and he still can't breathe.
Eren is dead.
He scrambles for his phone.
"Hello?"
"Eren," he sobs. "Eren, Eren, Eren," he repeats, again and again, like a mantra, because this Eren is alive.
This Eren is alive.
"Jean, what happened?"
"Titans," he bites out between two labored breaths.
He hears something, some moving around. "Fuck, fuck, it's all my fault, fuck. God, I fucked up so bad, Jean." A moment of pause. "You're at home right?" He makes a small whimper of acknowledgment. "I'm here in five minutes."
And he is, climbing on the bed and taking Jean's face, soothing his thumbs over his jaw.
"Deep breath, Jean. Deep breath." He orders softly, demonstrating.
He tries to match his breathing to Eren's, concentrating on his warmth so close to him. It works, and he can eventually take deep inspirations.
"You drowned," he sobs.
"It's done, it's in the past. I'm here now, I promise. I'm here." Eren's voice is soft and lulling.
It makes him cry harder and he clings to Eren, pawing at every part of his body he can touch to make sure that this is really him, that he is not dreaming, that Eren is alive.
Eren lets him, caressing his hair, taking his hand, kissing his tears away.
It takes a long time until Jean calms down. He snuggles against Eren, his hands twisting in his shirt, curled up against his chest. He may be taller than Eren, but in this moment, he feels tiny and tired and just wants to sleep for days on end.
Eren is not a cuddler. He is tactile, but cuddles aren't his thing. Jean knows, from the months they've known each other in this life, and because he remembers now. Eren used to lean against Mikasa, or flop over Armin when he was reading, or put his head on Levi's shoulder sometimes, but rarely cuddle. The restraint of it makes him feel cornered.
But he lets Jean trap him in his arms, whispering gentle words in his ear, rubbing at his back, and Jean falls asleep to the warm murmur of his voice and the fluttery presses of Eren's lips to his face.
He is still a bit dazed when he opens his eyes.
He can almost feel the wind on his face from flying. The smell of the forest, the heat from the sun.
Eren is still sleeping. His shirt has ridden up, giving Jean a good view of his tattoos. He brushes his fingertips against the skin, following the edge of the ray. It's tail is long, disappearing under the sheet bunched at the curve of Eren's back.
The sunflowers seem almost real on the golden skin. Some impossible things happen anyway, Eren had said, and Jean understands, now. Reincarnation it's... the only thing that could explain his (their) situation.
"I guess there could be sunflowers in the ocean," he whispers.
"What?" Eren blinks at him and yawns. Jean hasn't realized he was awake.
"Nothing."
The silence is a bit awkward. There are so many unsaid things between them. Eren sits up, crossed legs. He's not wearing his jeans, must have taken them off during the night. He is fidgeting.
"I didn't mean to make you remember," Eren confesses, staring at his legs.
Jean hesitates but takes his hand. It is much darker than his own. "I'm glad I remembered." Eren looks up, a bit surprised. Jean squeezes his hand. "I have been having so many nightmares and it finally makes sense. Everything."
"I'm sorry, you know, for the other day," Eren apologizes. "I just couldn't tell you. You wouldn't have believed me."
Jean blushes when he remembers when the fight had been about at first. "Oh... it's fine," he assures him. "I get it."
Eren chuckles. "You are cute when you're flustered."
"Fuck you."
"Maybe after two or three dates?" Eren is grinning at him, and Jean pushes him by the shoulders.
He almost falls off the bed. Jean curses, and Eren laughs. He grumbles unhappily, but lets himself be pulled by Eren, and lays beside him. Eren rubs their noses together.
"You're weird."
Eren's smile is wide and full of teeth. "It's an Eskimo kiss, dumbass."
"Give me a real kiss, fucker."
That makes Eren laugh. He does kiss Jean.
It's not the best kiss Jean ever had, to be honest.
"Morning breath," he complains. "You and I both need to brush our teeth."
Eren nods and follows him to the bathroom.
He finds a spare toothbrush and gives it to Eren. He grimaces when he sees his reflection in the mirror. His eyes are red and the purple shadows under them are barely less present. One night of good sleep is not enough against the weeks of missing hours. His bottom lip is bitten, his hair is a mess. Truthfully, he looks like a zombie.
"I look like shit."
"You do." He kicks Eren in the shin. "Bastard," the brunet hisses, his face twisted in pain.
"Asshole."
"You like me."
"I don't."
"Liar."
"Shut up and brush your teeth."
Eren giggles.
Once they are done, they happily slide back in bed. Kissing is much better this time. The slide of Eren's lips against his own is hot and pleasurable. He tastes like mint. His favorite thing is to press his hands to Eren's back and feel every shift of his muscles under his palm.
They spend a long time making out, curled up around each other. They both lose their shirt at some point, and Jean discovers that Eren's nipples are pierced. He probably stares too long, but Eren doesn't seem to mind.
It's not until much later that Eren's stomach makes itself known and they both realize it is already two pm. They both get dressed because if they want to cook something they have to use the communal kitchen and they can't go around partially naked. Eren's t-shirt is a bit rumpled. He puts his hair up in a small ponytail. Jean has to admit he is very hot. Not that he didn't already know that.
They make pasta and tomato sauce with barely any fighting. Maybe a bit of bickering. They take everything back upstairs and make themselves as comfortable as they can on the floor. They are not about to eat on Jean's bed.
"We still have to... talk," he says in a moment of silence. He really can't keep his mouth shut.
Eren scowls a little. "I guess." He pokes at his food. "What d'you wanna know?"
He twists his hands. "How long have you remembered?"
"I've had dreams for as long as I can remember," Eren reveals. Jean winces. "My parents sent me to dozen of therapists. Didn't work very well." His laugh is dry. "We don't really get along."
"Because of the memories?"
"That and other things."
"What other things?" He asks before he can stop himself.
"They aren't really open-minded and I'm... not straight. I just don't care the gender of the person I sleep with." He shrugs. It does sound like Eren. He's never really been concerned with love and genders.
"Do you-"
"My turn to ask questions." Eren interrupts him. He glares at him, but he doesn't seem to care. "Are you still going out with Lettie?"
Jean blinks. "That's what you wanted to ask?"
Eren scowls. "It's a legitimate question."
"You could have asked before making out with me half naked, you know." Eren blushes and sends him a furious look. He chuckles. "No, we broke up around two weeks ago."
Eren nods slowly. He looks hesitant, which is weird for someone as reckless as him. Although he's settled down from their past life. "What? Spit it out."
Eren kicks him. He grabs his foot, grinning. He almost gets kicked in the face too, but manages to avoid it. He draws circles with his thumb on Eren's ankle and he seems to settle. "You don't mind- Hum... I mean that I am...me." Eren struggles to find his words.
Jean levels him with a deadpan look. "Look, I told you I like you."
"Yes but it was before you remembered."
"It doesn't change anything."
"Oh," Eren breaths. "I like you too." Jean flushes, and Eren laughs. "Why are you blushing? You knew already!"
"Yeah but it's different to hear you say it!"
The brunet snorts. He takes his feet back from Jean and crawls to him to flop in his lap. He gets his arms around his neck. "And you say that I am weird."
Eren kisses him, and Jean lets him, pretending not to know that he did it to prevent him from talking. He can still feel Eren's smile against his lips.
They kiss lazily for a while, until Eren climbs off his lap.
"Okay, less making out and more talking." Jean concedes. Eren nods, looking weirdly determined. It reminds Jean of when he used to talk about exterminating titans. Speaking of which... "Does the Corporal remember?"
Eren winces at that, seeming to curl back in himself. It is an answer in itself. "He doesn't."
"How did you find him?"
"More like he found me." That prods Jean's curiosity. "When I was twelve we had just moved in America. After one of my nightmares, I freaked out and ran away. Levi's the one who found me." It is strange to hear Eren call the Corporal by his name. "I kinda stalked him after that. I would come to the police station and just stay here for hours. I guess he warmed up to me."
"He always had a soft spot for you," Jean grumbles.
Eren smiles is soft and bittersweet. "Yeah." He doesn't even try to fight back.
"Have you ever found... someone else?"
Eren shakes his head. "I haven't but... I want to find Mikasa and Armin. Just to know that they are all right."
"How can you find them? There's no guaranty they are alive or that they even remember."
Eren sends him a furious glare. "I know that, okay? It doesn't change the fact that I will look for them." Yeah, some things never changed. Eren was always so idealist while Jean was much more realist. "I created a website, with the ancient alphabet and language."
"What?"
Eren looks at him weirdly. "You haven't realized?"
"Realized what?" He asks automatically. He doesn't register that he's speaking another language until a few seconds later.
Oh.
"Okay, yeah, I see," he slips back in English.
"If they remember, at least, there's that."
"That was surprisingly thoughtful of you, Jaeger."
"You are an ass, Kirschstein. I did get my engineer degree." Jean laughs. "Also it's Johanson."
"Johanson?" He repeats, confused.
"My name, here. It's William Johanson. Though people usually call me Eren. Or Will."
"Oh." He steals a glance at Eren. He looks a bit embarrassed. "It suits you, I guess."
Eren snorts. "Jason's a jerk name, it suits you, too."
Jean tackles him to the floor. "Bastard."
Eren giggles, grabs him by the back of the neck and kisses him.
They spend the rest of the day lazing around.
The following weeks are... good.
But with remembering comes its fair share of problems.
He's jumpy, and loud noises have a tendency to make him reach for a sword that's not here. He's not as bad as Eren when it comes to being startled. He usually just tenses, while Eren has to force himself not to throw the person to the floor.
He's getting better.
His nightmares are not really easier, but he knows how to handle them, now. He can call Eren, for the rare times where he's not already here. They are so often sleeping at each other's place, that Eren bought a two-people mattress so they can sleep together.
Levi has stopped glaring at him every time he comes over (which is a lot of times) and Raph has stopped making inappropriate sexual jokes. She had walked on them making out in Eren's room.
Lettie and him are not really close anymore, but they sometimes have coffee together. She never fails to ask about Eren, and he feels guilty when he can't stop the smile that curves his lips, thinking of his boyfriend. ('Jean, you useless bisexual', a voice in his mind says, sounding suspiciously like Noah). But overall, they are doing okay.
They've been researching reincarnation. Well, mostly Eren. With his business classes, he can't understand half of the shit written in the complicated physics articles and books. But as he's already discovered, Eren is a good teacher.
They've even found a conference a couple hours away about parallel worlds which could help their research. Levi had muttered something about weird interests and not being able to trust two idiots and eventually declared he was going to drive them. They were not about to complain.
This is why he is forced to listen to Eren singing Taylor Swift.
"Eren, shut the fuck up!"
"You are just jealous of my singing skills!"
Suddenly the music stops.
"You are both idiots," Levi declares.
None of them wants to argue with Levi.
They arrive an hour later. Eren is practically bouncing. Jean puts his hands on his shoulders.
"Calm down, Jaeger."
"You are a jerk." Eren shoots back, by reflex.
He still takes Jean's hand and drags him to the conference hall. Levi patiently follows them. Jean is still unclear on his reasons to come with them.
They take seats in the middle. The room is mostly filled with serious-looking white men. It makes Eren and his dark Indonesian skin and Levi and his Korean features stick out. Without counting the fact that a pair of two twenty-something males holding hands is not exactly inconspicuous. For once, Jean appreciates Levi's habit of glowering at anyone looking their way.
He plays on his phone while waiting for the conference to start. Eren slumps on him, watching him play, snickering when he loses. He even enthusiastically flips a guy off looking at them the wrong way.
A man in a suit comes on stage, clears his throat. He presents himself and briefly introduces the topic. Eren is looking intensely determined.
He is not ready for the second person coming on stage. Their hair is drawn up in a messy bun instead of their old ponytail, but they are the same.
Hange is standing in front of them.
He grabs Eren's arm just before he jumps off his chair and jumps on stage.
"Sit the fuck back down!" He hisses.
"Let me go!" Eren struggles against him.
"Eren, please, calm down!"
"But Jean, it's Hange!"
Without a second thought, Jean grabs Eren's face and kisses him, full on the lips. The brunet freezes. While he is distracted, Jean laces their fingers together.
Eren blinks when he pulls back.
"Why d'you kiss me?" He whispers.
He is looking down, hiding the blush on his cheeks. Jean brushes back behind his ear one the stray hair out of his ponytail.
"It's the only thing who stops you when you weirdly determined."
"But..."
"Listen," he interrupts. "They are doing a conference on parallel universes, which means there's a strong chance they remember. Once the conference is done, we'll go ask them questions, okay?"
Eren nods. Jean kisses the corner of his lips.
The next two hours are pure torture. Eren is fidgeting next to him, and Jean feels restless. They've stolen glances at Levi, to see if there was any reaction, but he'd just stared at them like two idiots.
Once Hange announces the end of the conference, Jean barely has time to stand up before Eren is already dragging him to them. They have to push people away. Jean doesn't like crowd. Old men sent them irritated glances. By the time they manage to get away from the crowd of people, Hange has disappeared.
Eren is scowling.
Jean looks around. He can't see them anywhere. There's someone else he can't see. Levi has disappeared alongside Hange. He turns to Eren. His boyfriend is throwing worried glances around.
"Where's Levi?" He asks.
"I don't know."
He pulls Eren in a corner. It's quieter and easier to talk.
"Let's find him, first. We can take care of Hange later."
They ask around. Eren glowers at him the first time he describes Levi ― "Have you seen a short, black-haired, angry-looking Asian guy?" ― but he can't deny that it is a rather accurate description. They find themselves in a maze of narrow grey hallways. Eren is getting more and more frustrated and Jean just wants to go home. He feels like they are not supposed to be here.
Eren suddenly perks up. Jean listens. He picks up Levi's low, bored, voice. Just before Eren goes to open the door, he stops him. 'Listen,' he mouths.
"Still as disgusting as ever, four-eyes."
He glances at Eren. His eyes are wide. He takes his hand, and Eren grips it.
"Rude, Levi!" Hange protests, in their Australian accent. "I am much cleaner than before."
"I guess you have made efforts," is the grumbled reply.
There is a moment of silence, until they can hear Hange's laugh.
"I missed you, Levi." The words are soft and fond.
"I missed you too... Hange."
The admission is whispered, and Jean barely hears it. It is so loving and tender. His heart twists in his chest. Eren is looking like he's trying very hard not to cry.
He knocks. He doesn't wait for them to come open the door. Levi and Hange both turn at the same time. Hange beams when they see them.
"You're looking constipated, Jaeger. What's gotten up your ass?" Levi jokes, but it sounds almost forced.
Eren makes a broken noise. His eyes are full of tears, now.
"Corporal Levi?" He murmurs, and it is shaky and vulnerable.
"Just Levi, I'm not your Corporal anymore."
Eren chokes on his cries, and runs to him, throwing his arms around him burrowing his face in his neck. Levi cradles him in his arm, caresses his hair, and Eren sobs, his shoulders shaking.
"I'm sorry, Eren. I couldn't save you."
Eren whimpers and something breaks in Jean's heart.
"Oh god, Levi, no," Eren quavers. "It is not your fault." He turns his gaze to Jean, his ocean eyes determined. "Both of you. None of it was your fault, okay?"
Jean nods, and he feels like crying too.
Eren whispers something to Levi. Jean thinks he has never seen the man's face so open, so tender.
"You too, kid," he answers.
Eren smiles and the man brushes his thumb along his cheek.
He disentangles himself from Levi. He hugs Hange until he can barely breath anymore, his face red, but grinning from ear to ear. Then, he turns to Jean. His smile turns soft and loving.
"Come here, you big baby."
Jean may be taller than Eren, but in this moment, he feels much smaller, safe and home. It seems to be a recurrent feeling when he is with Eren.
They don't move for a long time.
Hange comes back with them, chatting happily. Eren and Jean huddle in the back of the car. Eren falls asleep against him, snoring softly. He is not ready for the wave of tenderness that overwhelms him. He starts crying again. He takes a deep breath, kisses Eren's forehead. From the corner of his eyes, in the side mirror of the car, he sees Levi watching them. He's not sure he imagined the small smile on his lips.
They are both back at the pool. The water claps at their feet. Their fingers are laced together. Eren is humming softly.
"We should go on a trip."
Eren frowns. "Sure, but why?"
"You're okay with it but you don't even know where and why?" He chuckles. Eren glares at him, and puts his hand in the water to splash him. He protects himself with his arm. "It's just that you're half-Indonesian and half-German, right? Levi is Korean and American, and I'm French and American. It's kind of a miracle that we met. And Hange comes from Australia."
Eren cocks his head to the right. "Yeah, so what?"
"It means the rest of us probably won't be in America. So, I thought, maybe we could go look in other places?"
Eren seems to light up at that. His eyes shine like gems. "Are you saying you wanna go with me on a trip all around the world to look for everyone?"
"Yes, Eren, it's what I'm saying." He gets tackled to the floor by an Eren pressing fluttery kisses to his face and can't stop the bubbling laugh that comes out of his lips.
He thinks there may not be sunflowers at the bottom of the ocean, but sometimes, it doesn't hurt to believe in seemingly impossible things.
The song Eren sings is: Goodbye by Feder ft. Lise