There will be six instalments for sure. If no one reads this there won't be more after that. I'm doing this because Tearsofwolves told me that I have no idea how easy it is to take the more serious things from warriors and make them funny. So I have decided to find out.

This fanfic will consist of explanations for what happened to all the kits (except Darkstripe and Longtail) in between White-eye's litter and the apprentices of Firepaw's time while Bluestar got old (already on a late life with a greying muzzle by the time he joined the Clan even though she was only three years old when she gave up her kits and became deputy).

I don't own Warriors so none of these explanations are the real one.

I'd like to wheedle the real one out of Erin Hunter but I don't think even she knows (or cares).

I also don't own the Old Testament which is in the Bible or the concept of the upside down pyramid which is owned by the creators of Rugrats. Nor do I technically own the computer I'm typing this on which was paid for by my father. But I DO own the memory stick I have it saved on.

Explanation #1: A la Old Testament!

Heatherstar stood on the Great Rock at Fourtrees. She was on her ninth life. Today would be the final great act of her leadership. Hawkheart stood beneath the Great Rock where her deputy would normally be. It had been his idea. Poor Talltail had disapproved of the plan all along. He and Hawkheart's new apprentice Barkpaw stood at the back of the throng of warriors, forced onto this mission but unwilling. Barkpaw still had kitten fur and was sick. His nose snuffled every few minutes.

"Cats of WindClan, we must avenge the kits and elders who suffered when ThunderClan destroyed our medicine supplies. Remember Whiteberry who would have lived were it not for the heart attack (yes, I realize cats don't know what heart attacks are) brought on by Fuzzypelt diving into his den. Remember Waterkit and Westkit who were trampled under the feet of the fighters. (Waterkit was bluish-gray with a white spot on her paw and Westkit was black except for a white mark that was facing west when he was born.)

"Waterkit and Westkit would not have died if Hawkheart had tended to him like he was supposed to instead of lamenting that he couldn't kill more invading cats!" A queen called. This was Morningflower's mother who will not have a name because I'm fresh out of names that can't be made fun of.

"No, Waterkit and Westkit would not have died if the author was a better writer. She needs a reason for us to STILL hate ThunderClan for this even though it happened moons ago and they have a new leader who is focusing her ambitions on fighting ShadowClan and RiverClan," shouted Ashpaw, who was very easily the most sharp-minded cat in the Clan but whose opinion would always and forever be overlooked. "And it's a pretty flimsy pretext at that. Cats die in battle all the time. Even kits' deaths can be blamed on other Clans and yet no one goes this far." Ashpaw's mentor, Stormcloud, who has no living relatives in WindClan and therefore must have a name that can be made fun of, said, "Shut up!"

"Wait!" shouted Ashpaw. (Ashpaw is not the Ashfoot of the later books. She is Ashfoot's aunt's mate's mother.) "How can Stormcloud have no living relatives? We're all related in these Clans. It's like European royalty."

"We'll just say he was adopted as a rogue and had a mate but she was tragically unable to have kits, okay?" said the irritated Heatherstar. "Now can we get back to the narrative flow of the story, okay?"

"Okay," said Ashpaw, sitting back down on her haunches. Her most obvious fault was that she rarely knew when to shut up. But at the moment Hawkheart was looking at her cruelly and she was finding it easy to imagine his teeth in her throat. Heatherstar went on talking.

"As you know, it is every leader's goal to deserve a place in Secrets of the Clans. Not because she's a recent leader..."

"Or medicine cat," interjected Hawkheart.

Heatherstar continued as if he hadn't spoken. "Crookedstar didn't do anything special, yet he's in there because he will still be leader of RiverClan when the messiah gets here. He..."

"There's a messiah coming?" yowled Redclaw. Other cats were looking confused.

"No, no! There's a cat coming to the forest that will be treated like a messiah, even getting his own book series based on him. But he will be an ordinary cat, if somewhat of a Mary Sue. Then he will become leader of ThunderClan and will be a flat character in subsequent book series and will be hated by a large number of fanfiction writers' profiles. But I thought the word messiah would be delightfully blasphemous considering what Twoleg mythology gave me the idea for our master plan..."

"Crookedstar didn't do nothing!" shouted Oakheart, on reflex to defend his brother. "Did you even read Secrets of the Clans? He will accept help from ThunderClan warriors to prevent his Clan from starving and he will shelter ThunderClan from a fire...wait a minute. That's NOT especially legend worthy. But he is an awesome brother," Oakheart finished defiantly.

"Get out of here," hissed a grey she-cat. "You're not in WindClan."

"Yeah, you're not supposed to know about this mission," hissed a black-and-white tom. "It's a secret from all Clans except ThunderClan and WindClan. ShadowClan must be characterized as the evil Clan and this disturbingly tips the balance."

"Al right," grumbled Oakheart, while secretly thinking that WindClan was talking so loudly right now that any cat's sensitive ears should pick up what they were planning. "Tell you what, you kill Timberfur so I can become deputy of RiverClan and I'll keep quiet."

"Okay," said Hawkheart. Oakheart walked away, thinking jealously that Hawkheart's name made way more sense than his did.

"So, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted," growled Heatherstar. " I want to be the next Owlstar. I want to be famous for pulling off something no cat has done before."

Ashpaw, having realized that Hawkheart wasn't stupid enough-she hoped!-to risk exile from the Clan by attacking her, shouted, "Secrets of the Clans has already been published and you're not in it!"

Every head turned. Ashpaw realized she had gone too far this time. She gulped and took a step back. The last thing she wanted was to suggest that Heatherstar was not important enough to be more than a prop for the Erin Hunters.

"Elder Duty!" screamed Heatherstar. "Until further notice, you are on elder duty! And since you always insist that elders are only respected in theory but should be in practice and therefore this isn't a punishment, your brothers and sister will be on elder duty with you. They'll punish you for me."

"What?!" shrieked Smokepaw, Sootpaw and Cinderpaw (their mother didn't have much imagination).

"Isn't this a sign of the author's lack of imagination?" Ashpaw asked pointedly.

Because Ashpaw is starting to annoy me, Smokepaw, Sootpaw and Cinderpaw all grabbed her by the scruff and dragged her back to camp where they forced her to put mouse bile on not only the elders' ticks but their own ticks as well. Then they took turns making her eat it. The mouse bile I mean, not the ticks.

Thus the idiotic banter ended and the real action began. Heatherstar led her Clan to the ThunderClan camp with Hawkheart at her side. Talltail brought up the rear, making sure to nudge little Barkpaw to his feet every time he stumbled. It really was cruel to force a sick apprentice to go to a battle but Heatherstar said she needed both her medicine cats at the ready. Of course you couldn't expect a cat who was cruel enough to enslave a Clan to care that one of her own apprentices was sick.

That's right, enslave a Clan. ThunderClan was organized like this at the time.

Leader: Bluestar (Sunstar just died)

Deputy: Robinwing

Medicine cat: Featherwhisker (Apprentice, Spottedpaw)

Warriors: Stormtail, Adderfang, Swiftbreeze, Sparrowpelt, Smallear, Speckletail, Thrushpelt, White-eye, Leopardfoot, Patchpelt, Thistleclaw, Lionheart, Goldenflower, Tigerclaw, Whitestorm, Frostfur, Brindleface, Redtail, Willowpelt

Apprentices: Spottedpaw, Runningpaw, Mousepaw

Queens: Dappletail, Rosetail

Elders: Windflight, Fuzzypelt, Poppydawn

At the time of the invasion, Bluestar was on her way to the Gathering accompanied by Robinwing, Featherwhisker, Stormtail, Swiftbreeze, Sparrowpelt, Speckletail, Thrushpelt, Leopardfoot, Thistleclaw, Lionheart, Goldenflower, Tigerclaw, Redtail, Willowpelt, Spottedpaw and Mousepaw.

That left Adderfang, Smallear, White-eye, Patchpelt, Whitestorm, Frostfur, Brindleface, Runningpaw and the queens and elders to defend the camp. When WindClan attacked, Patchpelt and Runningpaw were in the elder's den attending to their care. Smallear, White-eye and Whitestorm had gone off to investigate a trap left by the Thunderpath in the form of rabbit bones with WindClan scent on them. Rosetail had insisted on going with them because she was far enough away from kitting. The patrol was lucky enough that no one got hit but that part of the story is not important. So only Adderfang, Frostfur and Brindleface were outside the dens watching the camp when WindClan attacked. Frostfur and Brindleface had been having a discussion whose outcome was crucial to their futures.

"Whitestorm's waaay cuter," insisted Brindleface.

"But not as brave," Frostfur answered.

"Not as impulsive doesn't equal not as brave," argued Brindleface.

"Yes, it does," the simpering young Frostfur giggled.

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh"

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

"I hate to disrupt this serious academic discussion but we seem to have an invasion on our paws," Adderfang meowed.

While the sisters had been arguing about whose crush was the better tomcat, WindClan had climbed down the side of the ravine. Cats were entering through the main gorse tunnel, the dirtplace tunnel and every crack in the fern barrier they could find. Hearing the commotion, Windflight poked his head out of the elders' den.

"Foxdung," he swore. "I knew this would happen on the same day that mouse-brained young leader decided to let the camp air out and cleared away ferns!"

Adderfang wasted no time in leaping onto the Highrock. "Cats of ThunderClan," he shouted. "We are being invaded."

Patchpelt, Runningpaw and the elders ran out of the elders' den. Frostfur and Brindleface stopped pulling each other's fur and straitened up. Dappletail ran out of the nursery.

"Not you!" shouted Adderfang. "You're too close to kitting!" Dappletail obediently turned and fled into the nursery.

Adderfang, Patchpelt, Runningpaw, the two sisters and the elders fought their hardest but they were quickly overpowered by the WindClan cats who forced them to eat poppy seeds and then tied them up carefully with Twoleg string to make sure they couldn't fight back when they woke up. When the rabbit bone patrol got back they were shocked to find that WindClan had taken over their camp. They too fought their hardest but were force-fed poppy seeds and tied up in their sleep. As quickly as possible, a WindClan delegation made their way to Fourtrees so that no one would notice anything was out of the ordinary. The WindClan delegation was the last to arrive and the first to leave the Gathering. This was so they could get to ThunderClan's camp before the ThunderClan delegation did.

Bluestar surveyed her camp in the dark. There were the dens, the fresh-kill pile and...her Clanmates all tied up.

Dappletail hurried out of the nursery. "Hi, Bluestar," she said nervously. "This isn't my fault, you know. I gave birth to three kits tonight. Barkpaw and Talltail have been really helpful. Talltail grinned as he poked his head out of the nursery. Barkpaw was sitting to the side of the nursery where he had been giving Talltail instructions. Dappletail had not allowed him into the nursery with his snuffly nose, his cough and his nasely voice.

"That's great, Dappletail," said Bluestar evenly. "But what is WindClan doing in our camp and why are my warriors tied up? And how does a cat tie a knot anyway?"

"That," said Heatherstar malevolently. "Is for me to know and you to NEVER find out."

"We'll do anything you say," sighed Bluestar. "Just untie my Clanmates."

Thus began the reign of WindClan over ThunderClan. Secretly of course. ThunderClan hunted for themselves and then for WindClan.

To save her kits, Dappletail sent Darkkit, Brightkit and Icekit off on the river in a Twoleg box. It got lodged up against the stepping stones minutes from when she set it off. Annoyed that her plan had failed Dappletail hurried to the stepping stones, cursing herself for going on that expedition as a young warrior that had made her fearful of water for life. Furious that she had been able to send them off, Heatherstar made a new rule. No ThunderClan cat could go out without being shadowed by a WindClan cat. From that time on, no more kits were snuck out of camp. Not that any of them could be born with the herbs Heatherstar was making each expectant queen take.

Icekit, who was deaf, disappeared from camp when he was about three moons old. Brightpaw died fighting a badger when she was twelve moons old. Darkstripe was mentored by Tigerclaw and grew strong and mean. But he was no Moses. He acted tough but in the end he avoided fighting WindClan since he didn't have to.

Then one day some cat figured out that all tying knots is, is twisting a rope around in weird positions. The awe of WindClan was gone. ThunderClan rebelled and drove them out. Hawkheart left the Clan in disgrace. As for Tallstar he was perfectly happy to refrain from telling any reporters the story seeing as he himself had been bullied by Heatherstar. She never made it into Secrets of the Clans or any other warriors' field guide and she never WILL.

In the year after WindClan were forced out of their enslavement of ThunderClan, Longkit, Dustkit, Sandkit , Graykit, Ravenkit and five unnamed kits who died of greencough were born.

This chapter in WindClan's history has never been mentioned to other Clans, or indeed to the younger generation. But WindClan was unused to caring for themselves after all that time of letting ThunderClan cats hunt for them. They were easily driven out by ShadowClan. Dappletail, remembering how Tallstar and Barkface had helped her give birth and taken care of her kits after they were born and then found on the river, convinced Bluestar to get them back.

I realize that while this instalment started out funny, the end was not funny at all but you can't make a thing like this funny. The next one will be hilarious all the way through, I promise. Next: Featherwhisker's Awesume Aging Potion! After that I'm still brainstorming and I don't know yet but I am definitely open to suggestions.

To everyone who likes Moonflower Grows Up, Redo and Regret and From Sandstorm's Perspective, there will be at least one new chapter in each next Saturday if I get ANY reviews for this series. That's my motivation.

I need to go now, as I have tons of homework and also a doctor's appointment.