Based on a IM chat convo I had with swollsister involving her OC Rose Roach and my Egg OC Larry Loveland
This story takes place in objectively the worst JoJo AU of all time (with love) - The Scrambled Stars AU. If you have the time, I would highly recommend checking out the tag on . You'll both regret and not regret it immensely
All Rose Roach wanted was a Pizza.
One. Measly. Fucking. Pizza.
To eat by one's lonesome.
But nooo, that would be too fucking much, now, wouldn't it?
Instead, he not only had to share his god damned fucking Ultimate Meatlovers Supreme pizza, but he had to share it with probably the most infuriating little sunny-side-up boy in the next three spiral nebulas, if he were being generous when describing the the lounge lizard love freak.
For Gods sake, he called himself fucking Larry Loveland! As if he was just ASKING for the Leisure Suit Larry comparisons or a punch in the face with that fucking joke of a name. And God did Roach ever want to punch the pastel pink bastard in front of him, slowly sucking away seductively at one of the pizza slices.
This travesty all started when Roach was outside a pizza shop browsing his options for a
midday snack. Now, Roach didn't particularly like pizza, in fact, he hated it. Roach hated everything indisputably because he's just a pile of salt, snark and eternal bitterness slowing burning into the void of nihilistic nothingness who could literally not feel love, joy or happiness - the things he hated the most. The only thing Roach even had a slight appreciation for was the dank memes, which often time could be more of an annoyance due to his habit of dropping assisting anyone in battle who memes. This wouldn't normally be a problem since most sane people wouldn't meme in the middle of a fight, but the Lilliputian that attaches himself to Frou-Frou-Francy like some sort of parasite tends to scramble his speech with some random Horse_ebooks or Dril tweet which fuck, means Roach has to assist the tiny bugger every time. (Apparently, it's some sort of genetic condition that the kid can't help and shouldn't be judged on, but Roach is an asshole and is absolutely gonna going to judge the runt about it.)
But Pizza is food and he was hungry, so whaddya gonna do about it?
Roach browses his options, there are your typical classic pizza options; Neapolitan Margherita (boring), Pepperoni (also boring), Capricciosa (artichokes? Ew), Pugliese (onions have layers. Roach has only one layer - hatred) Hawaiian (a disgrace to all pizza kind - Pineapple is not a real pizza topping) and there are some more unique varieties like Peri Peri Chicken (Salsa was the spicy one, not he), Peking Deluxe (fusion cuisine is just a cheap tactic to make weak dishes stronger) and "Australiana" (a breakfast pizza? First the Hawaiians and now those upside-down, kangaroo fucking bastards. PIZZA IS NOT A BREAKFAST DISH!) But he fixed his eyes on one pizza option in particular.
The Ultimate Meatlovers Supreme: A rather delicious looking specimen topped seasoned pepperoni, spicy italian sausage, hardwood smoked bacon, grilled chicken and crumbled beef - served with slices of red and green capsicum with a creamy white mozzarella di bufala Campana base with a thick crust. Despite himself, he couldn't stop that little bit of drool dripping from his mouth. Not because he found the thick, meaty pizza tantalizing in anyway - that would be impossible - but because he was hungry and, well.
That's a lot of meat.
Too bad he was two dollars short of a pizza.
Fuck.
So there he was, standing around like a dumbass with two dollars short of a pizza, blocking other customers for no good reason (actually it was for a very good reason, because those other customers were PISSING HIM OFF and he wanted them to SUFFER)
"It seems like you're in a bit of trouble there Rosie Roachy~ A few dollars short of a pizza, perhaps~❤?"
~"bom Bom Bom BOM"~
The opening chords of Marvin Gaye's 1973 soul/funk classic "Let's Get It On"
The pungent smell of Hai Karate Oriental Lime cologne applied so liberally that it would burn the nostrils of whoever inhaled it.
That unbearably chipper, bouncy, bubbly, cheerful voice.
No
nononononoonononoNONONONO
NO
This cannot be happening.
Of all times, of all people. Why him? Why now?
"If you want, Larry could spare a dime or two~? After all, maybe you could learn a thing or two about basic kindness after being shown some generosity~❤"
"Shove an entire cactus up your urethra you free-spirited dropout. I have not the time nor the patience to deal with you lovey-dovey bullfuckery today, Larry Loveland"
Sweet Baby Jesus, even just saying that pretentious name made Roach vomit a little in his mouth. Such was the effect of this particular separated yolk guy had on him.
"Aww, c'mon~ I'm only tryna be nice~❤ After all, you do look pretty hungry there Roachy~❤"
Roachy slowly turns around to face the man with the most exaggerated and menacing scowl he could muster. Despite trying his best to scare the bastard off, the only response he got out of that bubbly little dickweed was a smile that most insufferable beings would call "adorable" and cutesy wave.
Oh how Roach hated that stupid white coat of his with the pink trim and gold buttons and his stupid pink headband and his stupid pink eyeliner and his stupid tan shoes with their pink shoelaces and those stupid silver ear chains with the stars and hearts dangling down from his elven ears and his stupid light turquoise hair. But more so than appearance, Roach hated everything the pink, pink, pink bastard standing in front of him stood for.
As an egg child, he was the embodiment of love - which is bad enough. But this guy, this guy, his whole schtick was about spreading love, joy and happiness to all others around him using that fucking garish galactic parasol Stand he carries around like an extra limb. It wasn't even known if Larry could feel a negative emotion!
Essentially, Rose Roach hated Larry Loveland the most because he was antithetical to everything Rose Roach stood for. Rose Roach was a miserable man of loathing out to make others suffer as much as he does. Larry, on the other, was just a joyous person to be around.
And Roach couldn't even take that away from him, as much as he would love the opportunity to make this man a pathetic pile of self-deprecation. No, his 「Sad Machine」's power to render someone completely unlovable and reviled by all just does not work on Larry Fuckface at all. That would be too much of a convenience. No, Larry's own stand, 「Float On」, negated any effect his own stand could have on affectionate asshole - in fact more often than not it actually caused some divide by zero bullshit and it was better for everyone involved if that just didn't happen, ya hear? (Though, on the plus side, this meant that Roach was immune to Larry's stand ability to infect others with that gross disease known as "love" and "happiness")
And the cherry on this shit sundae was the fact that Larry Loveland just would not leave Rose Roach alone. The Love Fuck was goddamned obsessed with him and was always trying to be friendly, do nice things for him and make him happy and it just infuriated Rose Roach to no end.
Especially after the time Larry edited that one hate rant on his tumblr to be a highly inappropriate post about his "love" for pizza.
Speaking about pizza.
"I would rather eat shit and die that take charity from you, you bohemian bastard. Don't you have someone else you could annoy?"
"Friends?"
"Family?"
"Venomous Reptiles?"
"Now don't be like that, Rosie Roachy! I, Larry, will gladly cover the costs for you~❤" Larry turns around to look back up at the board "From how you were gawkin' earlier, you want the large Ultimate Meatlovers pizza, yeah~❤?"
"Fuck off"
"It's about 24 bucks all up. If we both pitch in 12, that'll be a full pizza~❤!"
"Have you got it through your thick skull yet, moron? Sharing a pizza with you is like, the last thing on my to-do list today. So last that it's not even on there in the first place!"
"It's just this one pizza this one time, Roachy~❤"
Rose Roach suddenly grabs Larry by the collar and pulls him close, jabbing his index finger on the tip of Larry's nose.
"Listen you love-loving shitstain. I will not, in any conceivable context, ever, EVER degrade myself by spending more than 5 minutes in your aggravating presence. You are like the cancerous, heart shaped bug on the windscreen of my life that, if it wasn't for the fact we're in a public space with people watching most of the time, would deal with swiftly and enthusiastically! So shut up and go be a freak somewhere else, okay!?"
Larry retorts by wiggling his eyebrows and sticking out his tongue, lightly bopping Roach on the nose with the star shaped tip of his parasol.
"Boop~❤"
Enraged, Roach lets go of Larry's collar and curls his fingers in an attempt to strangle the eccentric casanova wannabe. But Larry, being quicker in reflexes than Rose Roach ever was, nimbly ducks out of the way and swipes Rose Roach's wallet in the meantime.
Larry smiles triumphantly as he plucks twelve dollars out of Roach's rather world weary, moth bitten wallet. "See? I knew you'd come around eventually~! Leave this up to me, Larry will handle getting the pizza since - let's be honest - you're terrible with other human beings~❤"
Before Rose Roach could comprehend was just happened and retort, Larry was already at the counter. Ordering the pizza and flirting with the counter attendant. Jeez this guy was shameless, does he even know the concept of keeping it in his pants?
After paying upfront, Larry turns back to Roach with a silly grin on his face. "Should only be a few minutes!" he giggled "Then we'll be able to enjoy a pizza together! Isn't that gonna be fuuun~❤?"
"YOU RATBAG! YOU TOOK MY MONEY AND BOUGHT ME LUNCH! AND NO, IT IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO BE FUN. IT'S GOING TO BE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF FUN BECAUSE I HATE FUN. I HATE PIZZA AND MOST OF ALL, I HATE YOU!"
Larry seems to completely disregard the latter half of that outburst and addresses the first part "Yep~❤! Not only do you have more money than you would've if you bought a different pizza, but you get to have lunch with me! And we can finally start being proper friends! Isn't that great~❤?"
"NO!" Roach was close to exploding by now.
"Think of it this way~ If you entertain me this one time for lunch. I, Larry, will never ask for your company for any sort of lunchtime rendezvous from here on out! Pinkie swear~❤"
Rose Roach could not believe his ears. Did Larry Loveland just say that, if he were to suck it up and spend lunch with him this one time, he would leave Roach alone for all lunchtimes to come?"
It's not the perfect world offer of "Will throw myself into the volcano of despair and let the magma of malice sear off my flesh slowly" Rose Roach was hoping, but fuck. He was gonna take what he could get.
"...Fine. I'll eat a goddamned pizza with you if you promise not to pester me at lunch like the little gnat you are"
"Cross my heart~❤ Wish to die~❤ Jab a needle in my eye~❤"
"Oh, if only"
It seems that, during the time that this conversation was taking place, that the pizza was cooked and ready to roll. As indicated when the buzzer in Larry's left hand went off.
"It's ready! Wait here, Larry'll be back in a moment~❤"
Rose Roach folds his arms and scowls as he watches Larry saunter over back to the counter and pick up his pizza. No, he wasn't staring at how the tails of Larry's coat swish elegantly when he walks, or how he walks so delicately that it looks like he's floating on air.
And he most certainly wasn't captivated by his bony backside. At all. Ew. Gross. Why would you think that.
Before he knew it, Larry was back with the massive box of pizza that he purchased with (half of) Roach's money. That same giddy smile plastered on his incredibly punchable face.
"C'mon silly! Let's find a place and go eat before this pizza gets cold~❤"
Roach glares back at Larry with a pout. " I can't believe I'm fucking doing this...You better hold your fucking promise, asshole".
"Larry doesn't lie~ Lies are mean, after all~❤"
God he hated this stupid, godforsaken goofball with enough rage to power a medium sized city.
But be strong, Rose Roach.
Be strong for the glorious future of Larry-free lunches.
The unlikely pair find a place outside to sit down and begin eating their pizza. The place they chose was a small table, further away from the others and with a parasol shading the area from the sun. Rose Roach hated the sun like he hated everything else, so it wasn't too bad of a dining spot. It was as good as an outdoor dining spot could get for Rosie Roachy.
No.
The major problem with the event was the pansexual pink poached homosapien with his stupid spatial themed parasol stand and his obnoxious giggle holding the box of HIS pizza hostage from him. The fact that Larry paid for half of it be damned. The background music changing from "Let's Get It On" to "Sexual Healing" not helping any matters.
Roach was so busy brooding, in fact, that he didn't even notice that Larry had already sat down at the table.
"C'mon, slowpoke~ If you're gonna loiter there in the sun all day, Larry'll be finish off this pizza before you can even get a bite in!"
Roach's eye twitches at Larry, who is currently facing him with that fucking weird ass cat smile he does.
And third person speech thing is annoying as hell.
"I'd rather burn my balls off with acid in the 9th circle of hell than ever let you eat my whole fucking pizza"
"First of all, it's technically our pizza. Second of all, whining over there is less time spent actually eating this big, meaty pizza, no?"
The worst part about this is that he's fucking right, too. And he knows it. AND I JUST WANT TO SLAP THE EVERLASTING SHIT OUT OF THIS SMARMY SCRAMBLED FUCKER ARRRG-
Grumbling. Rose Roach finally sits down at the table and grabs a slice of pizza, staring at Larry with utter disdain. Larry doesn't notice, as he has been busy softly savouring his slice of the thick, chunky, meaty pizza - small strands of gooey, warm, white mozzarella dribbling down from the corner of his mouth - while Rose Roach stares at Larry in disgust.
Larry teasingly removes the slice from his mouth, a string of the same gooey cheese connecting his lips to the just nibbled pizza tip - shooting a coquettish look in Rose Roach's direction.
...Are his pupils fucking little love hearts!? How the fuck did Roach not notice that earlier? It's not like he was getting lost in those stupid paradise pink eyes of his, no. He was just hoping those were fucking contacts so he wouldn't have to grind Larry's face against a railroad track to cleanse him of such witnessing such an awful sight in the first place
Euurgh.
Larry wipes a little bit of oil and grease dripping from his mouth before responding back with a coo in his voice. "Isn't this one of your favourite tastes, Roachy~ ? Spicy italian sausage on a creamy mozzarella base~ ? Filling your mouth to the brim with meat?"
"Larry means, this particular pizza is a slight bit saltier than Larry thought it would be. But that's probab-"
Rose Roach pushes himself out of his chair and begins screaming at Larry with indignation. "THAT WAS YOU WHO EDITED THAT POST TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE I HAD SOME SORT OF PIZZA FETISH YOU INSIGNIFICANT, SACCHARINE TREE FUCKER!"
Larry giggles in response, taking Roach one step closer to actually strangling Benedict Arnold here. "Well, you shouldn't have made your tumblr password "ihateeverything". Has anyone ever taught you the art of subtly, Rosie Roach dear~ ? Honestly, it was ripe for the taking~"
"Shut the fuck up, your voice is physically hurting me."
Roach sits down with a huff, gritting his teeth before picking up his own slice of pizza in frustration.
"And for your information, I don't have favorites. Everything sucks, especially you."
Roach immediately regrets his word choice when Larry leans forward with a smug grin as if he were just given a challenge, chin resting on the back of his left hand and pizza hanging in his right hand.
"Is that so~?" Larry says with a sickeningly sweet tone to his already way too peppy voice. "Well, Larry doesn't want to let down other expectations of Larry~"
Oh.
Oh no.
What hath the Roach done?
Larry puts the slice of pizza close to his mouth and begins lightly flicking his tongue over the nibbled tip of the thick, meaty pizza, bits of the crumbled beef falling off while he does so. He keeps this up for a while, before placing the slice back in his mouth sucking on the tip of the pizza, lolling his tongue over and around the cheese, meat and crust. All the while making small mewls, soft hums and light moans - thankfully, not loud enough to draw attention from the other folks in the area, but certainly loud enough to make Roachy incredibly uncomfortable.
"Don't do that to my fucking pizza, you hippie-wannabe!"
Rose Roach grabs the box of Meatlovers Pizza away from the moaning party and closer to his person as if he were protecting the pizza from the offender. Not because he likes the pizza particularly much, but because holy fuck this is goddamned weird and if Disco Dan here keeps this gross shit up, it will put him off pizza and eating forever.
Larry stops the heinous act he inflicted upon the innocent piece of Italian cuisine by actually taking a chomp out of the pizza. Looking back at Rose Roach with a fucking Dreamworks smirk while he slowly chews away before swallowing loudly- the bastard.
It was at this time that he also noticed that the song changed from Marvin Gaye to Barry White, and inwardly wished his stand DIDN'T cause a Divide By Zero universe reset when used on Larry because holy hell, he wanted him to suffer so much right now.
Because nothing in the universe would make Roach happier (as happy as someone who cannot feel happiness could be) than Larry squealing in his grasp.
"Really? I, Larry was under the impression that you wanted a show~ And besides, we split the costs~"
Larry walks his fingers over to the box playfully and tugs it slowly back in his direction.
"So don't be greedy, dollface~ Share! Sharing is caring after all~ "
Pet names
Fucking pet names
If it wasn't for the fact he wanted to t this omelette and leave him squirming underneath his boot, he would explode with intensity of 10,000 burning suns from sheer, pure hatred. The wake of which would form such a black hole of negativity that the galaxy that would form around it would be nothing but a miserable cluster of searing rage and seething hatred pumped out from big balls of gas burning billions of miles away.
Almost, he reckoned, as miserable as he was right now. Entertaining this freaky, admittedly pretty attractive eg- WAIT THAT LAST BIT CAME OUT WRONG, ROSE ROACH HAS NO THIRST WHATSOEVER AND ESPECIALLY NOT FOR THE EMBODIMENT OF HIPPY LOVE AND HAPPINESS HIMSELF.
"Guess what? I don't care. And if you keep doing freak-shit like that! I will take my pizza and leave! I prefer my pizza to be unviolated, thank you very much!"
Roach tugs the box back towards him, once again, Larry just smiles as if he's been challenged.
Game on.
"Well, you can take your half then, the pineappley bits. Larry is not surprised that a fellow like you enjoys pineapple on pizza - but Larry is not gonna shame people for their kinks~ "
Larry tugs the box back, more impassioned than before.
"I don't enjoy pineapple, you just ordered half of the pizza to have pineapples on it. If anyone here is going to kinkshame, its me."
Roach returns the box tug with similar vigour. Larry just leers back at Roach, obviously starting to be worn down by Roach's antics.
Smugness can't help but creep across Roach's face at the fact he finally, finally got this dweeby little love shit to express an emotion that wasn't infuriating, obnoxious, intoxicating joy.
"You don't "enjoy" anything. So, by all logic and reasoning, you wouldn't be able to enjoy this pizza anyway" Larry bit back with a bit more snark to his voice than usual, as he gave an even stronger tug to the pizza box.
It seemed like those dormant Kishibe traits Roach saw so commonly in Salsa were starting to bubble forward, how intriguing.
"Maybe you should just forfeit to someone who can actually enjoy such a simple pleasure, Roachy~"
Larry takes another a coy nibble of the slice he was eating before the Tug War began. Rose Roach scoffed in response.
"I don't care if I don't enjoy it. If it stops you from being weird, I'll eat the whole thing in one go."
At this point, Rose Roach stops playing around and grabs the box, pulling it out of Larry's reach. Despite being deprived of any more precious pizza, Larry's got that fucking cat smile back on his delicate little face of his.
For the second time in less than 10 minutes, Rose Roach immediately regretted his choice of words.
Larry takes a proper bite out of his pizza and begins eating it properly rather than being sensual with the greasy Italian cuisine. That being said, his eyes were lidded with a mischievous playfulness as they bore holes into Roach's own spheres while he chowed down on his ever diminishing slice.
"Oh, Larry would love to see you try~ After all, this Pizza is huge. It would take quite the skill and none of the gag reflex to fit all of that in one's mouth~"
"Just fucking watch me, you motherfucker."
With a huff, Rose Roach starts stacking the rest of the pizza slices on top of each other until they make a mini Leaning Tower of Pizza. In the penultimate moment, Roach takes another cautious glance at the slightly intimidating pile of spicy meat, gooey mozzarella and thick crust. Roach discreetly bites his tongue - ever thankful that the pipsqueak wasn't there to blab out the tell that Roach may have, indeed, been intimidated.
Which he, Rose Fucking Roach, was not.
I've made a huge mistake... roach contemplates as he drags the tower of pizza towards his lips. But I can't quit now, not in front of him!
And shoves as much as he can into his mouth in one fell swoop.
Which, in hindsight, was a terrible awful no-good very bad idea.
The sudden mass of meat, cheese and tomato sauce filling his open orifice was honestly a sudden shock for Rose Roach. Thinking it would be quicker to get this all over with and just shove it in there, he is left with the realisation that the tower he stuffed down there with reckless abandon was so thick that he couldn't even take a chunk out of it properly. Just slowly attempt to bite through the 7 slice meat pie, with droplets of sweat forming on his brow, slight tears pricking at the corners of his eyes and small trails of drool, oil and oozy white cheese dripping unglamourous from his mouth down to his chin.
And damn, that spicy italian sausage was incredibly filling. He nearly choked on all this meat and cream.
An infuriating giggle snaps Rose Roach from his thoughts about meaty, creamy pizza and back to reality - and to the realisation that he probably looks like a goddamn idiot with a pizza wedge stuck in his mouth and dribbling like a newborn babe. He gave an angry growl and intense glare in Larry's direction as - by sheer force of loathing alone - he bites through a sizable chunk of the pizza wedge and begins chewing slowly, glaring intensely in Larry's direction.
Though with a mouth full of food, he couldn't exactly retort without spitting out all that Italian goodness everywhere.
"Impressive~! Larry didn't think you would take it so hastily, my dear~ But you know..."
Roach notices that Larry has removed himself from his chair and is scootching towards him.
Roach can't wait for the future because he wants to die.
Larry has scooted close enough to enter Rose Roach's personal bubble. Roach wants to scream and shout and let it all out, but he cannot, for he is still stuffed full of meat and cheese.
"...You really shouldn't whole hog like that~ It's not safe you know..."
Larry leans in closer to Rose Roach as Roach eventually swallows the lot of meat in his mouth (most certainly not in intimidation. Really. How could anyone be intimidated by this 70s Freak?)
"To ram such a biiig thing in there~ with little preparation..."
This cannot be happening.
Larry leans in and whispers into Rose Roach's ear in a rather sensual tone.
"You may find yourself... breaking~ "
Of all the times in all the places in all the world, why was it now that Rose Roach got an awkward boner.
If he wasn't convinced the entire universe was his enemy (which Roach already was), he would definitely be convinced of the case now.
But he, the great Rose Roach, was not going to give up. Not now, not when he had so much on the line.
He was going to show this Love Machine fucker a lesson.
"You having second thoughts, Roachy~?"
Rose turns to face Larry right in the eye, glares, and quietly states.
"I am going to face God and WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL!"
Somewhere in the wind, the faint sound of "H-Hey! That's... that's my line... yannow..." may have been heard. But Rose Roach was too busy stuffing the rest of the pizza down his cakehole to particularly care.
He was to preoccupied with downing this pizza.
Rose Roach grasps his stomach as he stumbles down the termite ridden stairs into his shitty basement apartment, groaning in pain along the way. It turns out, that stuffing seven hot, meaty slices of pizza down your throat without taking breaks was a surefire way to give you indigestion and heartburn.
But at least he never gave Larry any sort of satisfaction in the end. In that regards, he could be proud.
Rose Roach tries to flick on the light switch, but the light bulb dangling from the ceiling flickers impotently before burning out into blackness - as per usual considering the lighting in this apartment was as solid as the plumbing and water supply was. Which is to say, absolute fucking shite.
The plaster walls has numerous holes in them, and the 70s (OBJECTIVELY THE WORST FUCKING DECADE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. FUCK YOU, LARRY LOVELAND) piss yellow wallpaper was peeling off at various increments. The floorboards were either rotting or damaged by termites. The old suede couch looked like it was attacked by a pack of incredibly excitable Rottweilers. There was an implacable, foul odor everywhere and the kitchen sink, neglected dishes and fridge were growing at least three new species of mold.
Home Sweet Home. Viatolo kept reminding him that he needed to fix his place up, but Rose Roach hated himself too much to do anything to the place - so he let himself live in total squalor.
The various rats and cockroaches that were peacefully chilling out in the room scramble as Rose Roach meanders his way to the shoddy, old couch. The place was as much their domain as it was his, so he was among his people here. Another reason not to fix up the place.
Roach flops down on the couch, floorboards beginning to sag with the sudden increase in weight, and stares dead-eyed up towards the ceiling. After a few minutes of panting with the occasional pained belch; Roach weakly lifts up his right arm, balls his hand into a fist and says.
"Urrrrrghhh...worth it"
"I showed him..."
"Who's the boss"
You couldn't be any more wrong, Rose Roach.
(Yeah, basically this was all one, prolonged blowjob joke using jokes characters for a joke AU. This will later be uploaded onto AO3 under the same name when I'm cleared for that, but for now, it'll be sitting right here for y'all to enjoy. If yer foul minded like me you can just imagine Larry attempting to suck Rose Roach off ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) )
(I make poor life choices. Like writing shit like this)