Hopefully the reference is understood in the title because that is literally the reason that I wrote this.
This is... well, half fic, half almost meta. Parody, crack. I don't know how to describe it. It makes me feel better. Oh, and it's totes fact okay? This is what really happens. *serious nod*
When Kurt Hummel gets the script for season six of Glee, he's understandably pissed. He has the script for episode one in his hand, fiancé at his side as he stalks into the production office. "You've got to be kidding me."
Janice just looks between the two of them, rubbing her temple before sighing and gesturing towards the seats in front of her. "Sit down, boys."
Kurt knows that she had to be expecting them. There's no way that she wasn't. This is his sixth year doing this stupid reality show and Kurt couldn't hate it any more if he tried. It hadn't been so bad in the first season. They'd been the underdogs and most of the country had been disappointed when they hadn't won Nationals. Kurt had gotten letters from kids around the country who loved him for being brave, being who he was. The bullying had paled in comparison to the kids who told him he changed their lives.
Second season had been even better. He'd met Blaine Anderson, spying on the Warblers for a bit of drama. Production had expected a fight. What they'd gotten was even better. Kurt and Blaine became media darlings, appearing on the cover of magazines the way that only Rachel, Quinn and Finn had before. More people seemed to be rooting for Klaine than a Nationals win.
It had been awkward in season three. It hadn't been easy to convince Blaine to transfer to McKinley, considering that camera would be on him even more than they already were when he and Kurt went out. That had also been the year that he and Blaine had further explored intimacy, dreading the moments that their parents saw that they had sex for the first time. Sebastian had been horrible to them and Kurt had considered quitting for the first time when he'd learned that he was the son of one of the producer's, put in simply to add a bit of drama to their happy relationship.
The cheating by Blaine in season four had broken Kurt's heart. It had been difficult, to say the least, when he'd had to go through that pain in front of the camera. There'd been a sweet boy, Adam, there to try to comfort him but Kurt's pretty sure now that he'd only been there for the cameras. Christmas had brought new revelations and Kurt had been on the path to trusting Blaine slowly when Blaine had told him the lies that the producers had told him, all about Kurt moving on in New York without him.
The proposal was beautiful, a nation-wide event and congratulations had poured in to them around the country, along with some, of course, nasty letters. Kurt had gotten used to it, though. There were people out there who didn't like them together, who wanted one of the boys to be with them. There were also people who 'shipped' them with other people. Kurt didn't like the letters that told him that Sebastian was a better fit for Blaine than himself but he ignored them. They were engaged and happy.
Season five brought along new stress. Finn's death was one of the worst events of his life, right up there with his mother's death, and Kurt relied heavily on his fiancé and family to get him through. Adam had dropped their friendship, annoyed over the fact that they couldn't be the next big thing. Apparently he'd been all about 'Kadam' and had even started talking about it on social media. Kurt thought that it was good to be rid of him.
When Blaine moved to New York, Kurt expected it to be perfect but it wasn't. The two fought constantly, mostly about the little things, and the cameras that were constantly around didn't help. The producers enjoyed pitting the two against each other, telling Blaine that he was gaining too much weight or Kurt that he just wasn't good enough for Blaine. It hurt them both but they'd made it through stronger than ever.
Which brings them back to sitting in the production office. "This is a reality show. I am not following a script," Kurt says, tossing the bundle of paper onto the desk and glaring.
Janice takes a deep breath. "Kurt, don't be unreasonable here. Look, ratings are down, you know that. We'd hoped getting some drama with the two of you, with Rachel and Santana, talking Rachel into moving to LA, would bring about the ratings but it hasn't. So we're taking matters into our own hands."
"By having me supposedly date somebody else?" Blaine asks, his voice way too high and cracking. He'd been the one who'd checked the mail, the one who'd skimmed through things and he'd honestly been close to tears when he'd showed it to Kurt, promising him that he'd never do such an awful thing.
There's such boredom on Janice's face that it makes Kurt want to slap her, his fists clenching in his lap and he looks over, smiling gratefully at his fiancé when he feels his comforting hand on his forearm. It doesn't relieve the intense desire to hit her, though. "David was generous enough to offer to come back. We were hoping that Sebastian would come back but after Melissa pulled some strings and got him that superhero job, he wouldn't come back for Glee. It's working out for the best. Imagine the country's shock and horror when Blaine dates Kurt's ex-tormenter."
She sounds as if she's reading something off a press release and Kurt wouldn't be surprised if she actually was. He clenches his jaw, grinding his teeth and reminding himself that he has a few years of NYADA left and a lifetime planned so he can't actually go to jail for assault… or murder. "No. And you're saying that Blaine failed out of NYADA? That's something easily checked! He's obviously still attending. Working with the Warblers is a good opportunity for him!"
"Yes, I know that. But most of the country doesn't care. All they care about is the fact that they're going to turn their televisions on and watch something dramatic on Glee. We've got you and Rachel back at McKinley and Blaine with the Warblers and now we're going to get Glee club drama just like we had before. Don't worry. We have a wedding planned for you too." Janice holds out another folder of papers that Kurt takes reluctantly.
He opens the folder and begins glancing through it, leaning over so that Blaine can see it too. When he reaches the wedding, his eyes widen, nearly throwing the folder away from her. "Are you kidding me?" Kurt near yells, looking over at Blaine angrily when Blaine tries to calm him because he won't be calmed from this. "I have been dreaming about getting married for years! You set up a double wedding for us and Santana? In a barn? Me and Blaine have our wedding planned! It'll be in New York! It's going to be winter themed! It's going to be beautiful!"
Janice sighs, waiting until Kurt is finished ranting before she takes the folder back from him and putting it back into her file cabinet. She doesn't seem the least bit concerned with Kurt's words which seems to make Kurt angrier. "You're welcome to have your own wedding however you'd like to but for the show it will be like this. You two have signed a contract, you know. You all have. And you'll play the part exactly as you should. Reality isn't getting ratings. Now we're doing this. By the way, Blaine, before you fly to Ohio, we're going to need to film some flashback break-up scenes."
"I don't know," Blaine says, looking over at Kurt, trying for some reassurance. He's not the type to talk about how much he doesn't like something. He's taken it all in stride, the cameras, the producers saying horrible things to him, the hate letters and the media tours. He'd even talked his friends into doing a nationwide tour as the Warblers for the Glee Live tour. This seems to have made him quiet, though. Kurt knows that he's probably worried about them and he slips his hand into Blaine's, squeezing and knowing that Blaine can feel his engagement ring pressed to his skin.
Janice raises her eyebrows, scooting the episode one script over to them again. "We start filming on Monday. David will meet you both for coffee to go over your roles after hours at the Lima Bean. Be sure that you two aren't seen in public together regularly. And Kurt, you're going to need to take off that engagement ring."
"Over my dead body," Kurt hisses, looking over as Blaine squeezes his hand.
"I can get you a chain to wear it on," Blaine says, resigned to what they have to do. It gives him chills to think about even acting as if he can stand to be around Karofsky but he doesn't want to fight this. He just wants to live his life. "Besides. It's just thirteen more episodes and then we can do whatever we want. We can go to Paris or back to New York or whatever."
Kurt stares at Blaine, as if he's betrayed by his words but he doesn't pull his hand away. He groans, looking back over at Janice, the sound echoing in the quiet room. Kurt knows that he's the last hurdle in the way. Blaine's in and obviously most of his other friends are in. Kurt had wondered why Rachel would be flying back to Ohio. He grits his teeth.
"We'd be happy to double your salary per episode. And pay for a fantastic honeymoon to the location of your choice," Janice offers, holding out her hand to the boys in a handshake.
Blaine sighs, looking over at Kurt before reaching out to shake her hand. Kurt mimics Blaine's sigh, looking at the ceiling for a moment before he's agreeing to the deal as well.
"I'm not happy about this," Kurt tells her.
"You don't have to be. The more miserable, the better. After all, you're breaking up with your fiancé."
Kurt stands in the record store, staring at Blaine and Karofsky in front of him. He didn't expect it to hit him this way, hearing Blaine tell him that he's dating somebody new now. He knows that it's not true. They just had Skype sex the previous night. He knows Blaine's lines by heart, nearly as well as he knows his own considering they'd rehearsed together. But damn, does it hurt.
His reaction isn't entirely faked as he says his line dully, trying not to let too much emotion show through. This show doesn't deserve his real reaction to it. The emotions that are there aren't entirely faked as he sees Blaine give him a sympathetic smile.
His engagement ring is cool against his skin underneath his shirt, on the chain that Blaine had gotten for him and put on him symbolically before he'd left New York to go to the airport. Of course, Kurt has taken it off since then, sleeping and showering, but he's kept it on as much as he can. It's the only thing that gets him through this. It's the only thing that makes it semi okay to see Blaine and Karofsky touching, talking.
Thirteen episodes, he reminds himself, thinking of the scripts for the next few episodes and wishing that he'd never started this show. Thirteen more episodes and then he and Blaine are free to have a happily ever after.