Absolution
Michiru lowered her violin. Her rhythm was off again.
She stared at the instrument which had given her so much joy in this lifetime. She was familiar with the texture, every line, every dent in the wood, the small, fluid shape and the shiny varnish worn away slightly from years of playing.
For the past month its melody had been sad.
She closed the manuscript which lay on her music stand. There was no point in practising studies now. They seemed so trivial, so mechanical - and she knew them all back to front anyway. Studies would neither improve her technique nor her mood, and so she cast them aside in favour of improvisation.
But the melancholic music which cried out from her instrument evoked visions of pain and tragedy - of star seeds taken, death and betrayal, all at her own hands and the hands of her lover.
She couldn't stand it. And thus she stopped playing.
The door opened and Setsuna came inside. It was the third time she had done so, and would be the third time she made the same statement about the events of Galaxia and the star seeds.
'Come out of your room for a little bit,' she said. 'It's a beautiful day today.'
Michiru shook her head. She couldn't bring herself to. She could barely look in Setsuna's eyes let alone come outside. Whenever she tried to, all she saw was the golden bracelets on her wrists and the bodies of Sailors Pluto and Saturn disappearing into thin air as Neptune and Uranus ripped their star seeds away from them, taking their lives in the process.
'Please stop blaming yourself. You did what you have to do.'
It was a rare thing for Setsuna to sound anything other than stoic, but in her few visits to Michiru's bedroom her voice had been gently pleading with the sea senshi.
A tone which evoked no response whatsoever.
Setsuna sighed and left. Michiru released a breath she hadn't realised she was holding.
A few hours later a growl in Michiru's stomach forced her to reluctantly leave her room. Sad though she was, she wasn't trying to starve herself to death. As she made her way to the kitchen she cursed the basic human requirement of eating. If not for it, she would be able to lock herself away twenty-four-seven without having to emerge for anything.
She trudged down the stairs, her footsteps as heavy as the weight of emotion she was carrying. It hit her vaguely that she must look like a mess, still in her pyjamas with unbrushed hair, but the thought quickly dissipated as it was overwhelmed by memories of things which were painful beyond comprehension.
She made herself a sandwich, the rhythmic task providing mild relief as she concentrated on it. As she did so the door opened behind her and Haruka came in.
The wind senshi looked as much of a mess as she did. From what Michiru understood Haruka had been doing much the same as herself - hiding away and confining herself to as little contact as possible. Hunger must have gotten to her too.
'The sea still grieves,' Michiru muttered in the tone known to be the one used whenever Sailor Neptune felt anything particularly strong.
What she really meant was 'I am still grieving,' but it was easier to say it this way because it enabled her to very slightly distance herself from it.
Haruka embraced her and Michiru fell easily into her arms, taking comfort in their warmth and strength, but all the while knowing that Haruka was going through exactly the same thing that she was.
'Haruka, are we awful people?'
Haruka placed a tender kiss on her forehead and sighed softly.
'I don't know, Mich,' she replied. 'I hope not. Remember why we did this. To try to save the others.'
But the words came out hollow and desperate, like she was trying to convince herself of words she could never possibly believe.
.../...
Michiru thought that, perhaps, a trip to the beach would ease her mind. Her room was stuffy and there was nothing to do but dwell on her past mistakes.
She quickly brushed out her hair and put on some clean clothes. She was glad that no one was around to see her leave, else they might offer to come with her. While she knew her friends had their best intentions, she really just wanted to be alone with the waves lapping onto the sandy shore.
The sea was gently sighing with a light bubble of foam on its surface. Michiru stripped down to her swimsuit and walked along the ocean's edge. The sounds and smells were familiar and comforting and she allowed them to wash over her in their own calming melody.
She waded into the water, feeling a pinch of cold as she was enveloped in the silky substance. The sea was her only friend now, other than Haruka - but Haruka still had her own troubles to deal with. The sea had no troubles. It rose and fell in a steady rhythm, carefree and gentle, it's glassy surface shining with the light of the sun upon it.
Michiru watched the ripples of the waves constantly changing, forming and reforming new patterns and curves. She often sought pictures in them. Indeed, they often showed her visions, but she dared not try too hard this time for she knew what the water would show her.
Death. Betrayal. Star seeds.
Sailors Pluto and Saturn's bodies disappearing.
The gold bracelets. Galaxia.
Traitor.
TRAITOR.
Do not fear, warrior.
The words reached out to her through the gentle hum of the sea, its low vibrations causing her to stop and listen.
The ocean is your friend. It will not show you painful things.
The water's surface transformed into an image of a garden filled with beautiful flowers. They gave out a sweet, relaxing smell causing Michiru to feel calmer than she had in weeks.
Michiru was now clothed in a white dress and she sat on the edge of a fountain. A few metres away stood an old man dressed in robes and carrying...
Neptune's aqua mirror.
'Neptune,' she breathed. She stood and bowed before him.
'Rise, warrior. You, a descendent of Neptune, need not bow before me.'
'Yes I do,' Michiru replied, 'for I am undeserving of the title of Warrior.'
'Look around you.'
Michiru turned her head and saw a circle of the rest of the warriors standing around her.
'Do any of of your friends think you are undeserving?'
She already knew that the outer senshi didn't. She hadn't seen much of the inner senshi since Galaxia's defeat, mostly because she'd been avoiding human contact as much as she possibly could. Looking around now, however, she could see nothing but smiles on their faces.
'No but that doesn't mean -'
'Daughter, you carry a great burden on your shoulders, but you must see that you are the only one who hasn't forgiven you.'
'How can I when I betrayed them? How can they forgive me?'
'Remind yourself, warrior. Why did you accept Galaxia's bracelets?'
The answer to that was easy.
'Because it was my only hope of being able to attack her.'
'Exactly. You did what you had to do.'
'But Pluto and Saturn...'
'Were glad to make that sacrifice.'
Michiru looked to where the figures of Pluto and Saturn were standing. Both of them were nodding in agreement.
'Learn to forgive yourself, warrior. The rest already have.'
Then the image added and Michiru found herself back in the ocean gazing at the ripples in the waves. She ran her hands through the water, feeling its soft texture move through her fingers. Oddly, she felt a bit lighter than before.
She stood up and returned to the beach, letting the cool wind dry her. The sun was warm and bright and the sand was golden. Perhaps there was a chance that the guilt would lessen and she would reestablish some form of normalcy in her life.
Casting a glance back at the sea, she saw it twinkling in the sunlight, and she knew that Neptune was watching over her.