Hello... it is I, Vampire's do Not sparkle. I realise that it has been an extremely long time since my last 10th Doctor/ Rose prank story. I have my reasons, such as pneumonia, school and end of year exams. But that is behind me for now so hopefully I can update more often. But anyway...
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Doctor Who or any of its Characters. Though I like to believe that in the infinite number of alternate universes and realities I own it... however that means I have to concede to the fact that a reality exists in which I'm a stripper, or clown... or both ( shudder).
Anyway enjoy.
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The hallway was dark and desolate as she crept past the many doors and rooms of the TARDIS. Not a sound could be heard for (considering the TARDIS it was possible) miles. And that's what worried her. For Rose was on the run. It had finally happened, the Doctor had snapped. Gone was the happy and care free, slightly mental Time Lord with great hair. Now all was left was a raving lunatic, hell bent on licking and destroying every thing in sight. Rose was sad ( and strangely proud) to say it was her fault...
Two Days earlier
It had started as a perfectly average day in the TARDIS. Wake up to the obnoxious banging on her door from an even more obnoxious Time Lord, crawl to the shower to wash what little hair had grown back since the Doctor's last prank. Followed by getting dressed, eating a breakfast consisting of banana pancakes and juice, then almost being executed for treason on a planet she had been assured was friendly. Just the average day travelling with the Doctor.
However. Since what Rose had been mentally referring to as the "hair and Axe incident" that had occurred almost a month ago, the Doctor had been extremely jumpy. For the first week, the moment she had entered a room he occupied, he would make this strangled "eep" sound and sprint out of the room as though she were an enraged Jackie. She had enjoyed his suffering for the most part, but it had started to get tiring.
Today had been the first trip they had made since they went to the twenty second century to get that truly exceptional hair regrowth formula. The Doctor had obviously come to the conclusion that since her hair was back to normal ( almost, the formula could only go so far, her hair was nearly to her shoulders)and she still hadn't retaliated, that all was forgiven. Needless to say, he was wrong. Rose was simply biding her time. She was cut off from her thoughts by her phone ringing. She heaved a sigh and answered.
" Hello?"
" Well Rosie, you sound a bit breathless there, hope I'm not interrupting anything."
Rose could almost hear the smirk he was surely wearing.
" Hello Jack. I see you got my message." She stated.
"Yeah, sorry about that, a weevil escaped. Couldn't answer the phone. So how are you
my dear?" Said a certain Captain.
Rose answered with a laugh " I'm fine kind sir, may I question upon your health?"
" As always m'lady I am quite well. How goes the Doctor?"
" He's still a tad jumpy, can't look me in the eye yet. Anyway, I had a favour to ask you..."
"Anything my dear Rose, anything."
"well..."
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The Doctor was nervous. He knew Rose was up... he himself had woken her up an hour and a half ago. Since he had almost gotten them killed yesterday ( how was he to know that talking excessively was considered treason) he had decided to take her to a spa/resort. Well, at least it should be a resort. The TARDIS had been acting funny lately so he couldn't count on it. Still. It was far too quiet. With the exception of the gentle hum of the TARDIS it was absolutely silent. The last time it had been this quiet he had had to get a new door. Minus the Rose shaped hole.
Yet, he couldn't let it bother him. For all he knew Rose could have ignored his wake up call( again, honestly, how much sleep do these humans need. Sarah Jane never slept this much.) and could still be soundly asleep. Or plotting his demise.
He was just about to panic when he heard faint foot steps behind him. With a smile on his face he turned around. He soon wished he didn't.
There was Rose. Normally this would be no problem, but this was far from normal. In fact, the outfit she was wearing was far to much like her Cassandra-fied outfit to be healthy. With (very) form fitting jeans and a tight fitted jacket, showing just enough skin to be tempting, he just knew she was up to something.
"Doctor..."
The way she said his name... he swore it was almost a purr. That was so not fair, he was a male after all. His eyes narrowed. She was definitely up to something. And whatever it was, the Doctor was sure it wasn't good.
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The plan was already in motion. Jack was ready and waiting for them to arrive. After that everything should go smoothly. She just had to get them there.
Looking at the Doctor through her eyelashes she slowly approached him. Taking hold of his tie, preventing him from escaping. Now rather close she raised her gaze to look him in the eyes. She could see him tense.
" Doctor." she said again, " Can you do me a favour?" She swore she could see the gears moving through his head as he considered her proposal. She got a swift nod in response.
Letting go of the tie and stepping back, she couldn't help the grin that spread across her face. This was actually going to work. It had taken weeks of planning, then she had to convince Jack(not that it was that hard) to help, and now finally. The Doctor was so happily going towards his doom.
Slightly disturbed by the evil grin on Roses face, the Doctor shuddered at the thought of what he just agreed to.
"Can we go visit my mother?" Rose asked.
The Doctor simply stared. That was the favour? Why would that be fav- his eyes went wide as a thought occurred. This is what she was up to. Something was going to happen in this visit, something bad. But what could she possibly do to him at Jackie's...okay, bad example. But the point still remained. Anything that could hurt him when it came to her mother could most likely effect Rose as well...
" But can we go see Jack first?" She continued.
Oh this was bad. This was very, very bad. Jack and Jackie... if there had been any doubt in his mind as to whether this was a trap or not, it was gone. Still. He couldn't deny her wishes without letting on to the fact he knew she was up to something. He'd just have to be extra vigilant.
"Okay, sounds fun. Haven't seen Jack in a while. Lets go say hi,"the Doctor said as he flipped some switches. He pushed aside any and all worry as he shouted, " Allons-y!"
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The familiar whirr of the TARDIS materialising woke Jack from his afternoon nap. He rarely had time for them so with the particularly slow day he was having, it had been impossible to resist.
As he grabbed his coat and ran to the "secret" elevator, he couldn't help but smile. Rose had done it. Not that Jack had doubted her for a second, but he was still ever so slightly surprised. The fact was, he knew how the Doctor felt being around him. Talking on the phone was okay, but actually standing next to him was another thing all together. Rose sure had him whipped, even if he didn't realise it...especially if he didn't realise it, he couldn't help but mentally correct himself. This was going to be fun.
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There the Doctor sat. half on, half off the couch with a banana daiquiri in his right hand. Though he would never admit it. He, the high and mighty Time Lord, was drunk. The Doctor had discovered ( after his third drink) that the alcohol slightly diminished his urge to run away screaming from Jack. That was five drinks ago. These were certainly stronger then the other daiquiris he had encountered, but considering the maker was Jack, he wasn't surprised.
He was vaguely aware of the conversation going on around him, his superior ( if he said so himself) genetics allowed him to still have complete control of his motor functions and speech.
"NO! The Flux capacitor was a lie. The real component responsible for time travel is the trans," the Doctor pouted, " multi... dimensional... anyway, the big spinning thing in the middle of the console."
Yes, his speech was perfect.
Rose and Jack just looked at him as though he was insane...well, more insane than normal.
"Doctor, we were talking about what we were going to do for Christmas this year..." Rose said slowly, so as not to startle him with sudden noises.
Well, maybe not.
"Of course, yeah. I knew that, just, thought you ought to know." Replied the drunk Time Lord.
"Right?" Jack said slowly as they watched the Doctor fade back out again, off in his own world. The two sober people in the room shared a look. Now was time. They had to act.
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The Doctor let out a deep breath as he slowly regained consciousness. Subconsciously, he snuggled into the warm body he felt pressed against him. This was comfort. He could stay like this forev- hang on.
The Doctor's eyes shot open as he fully processed what was occurring. One, he had a massive headache. And two. He was in bed, something that never really happened, and three. He wasn't the only one in said bed...
Upon opening his eyes, all he saw was hair, blonde hair. His first thought was Rose, and he slightly relaxed. This was all a misunderstanding. She would understand. Yet. He was sure Rose was slimmer then this. And taller, and smelt better... oh god.
Leaping out of the bed as though it burned him, he almost screamed. There, in the bed he had just occupied, was Jackie. And she was awake.
A high pitched scream penetrated his ear drums as he stood, clad only in TARDIS blue boxers, he couldn't help it. He screamed too.
"PERVERT!" Jackie shouted as she to,leaped out of bed. She reached for the first object she touched. The lamp.
In the shock that he was in, he didn't have time to dodge.
"Ow!" the Doctor exclaimed as the lamp collided with his arm, wall and all. He had no idea Jackie was that strong. Sure, her slaps were one thing but she just pulled a lamp out of a wall...
" Well what was that for?" he asked.
Jackie just stared, momentarily stunned at how this man was still alive with questions like that. She motioned to their state of dress and the bed. It took him a second before he understood.
"Oh... oh that, no Jackie," he pleaded as he dodged a a glass vase. " It's all a misunderstanding. I don't know wha-" he was cut off by a pillow filled with what felt like bricks hit his face.
As the pillow fell to floor. He looked at Jackie and evaluated his choices. He had no idea where Rose was, or the TARDIS for that matter, and for all he knew, something had happened between them( he shuddered at the thought, that was going to require bleach.) but he honestly couldn't remember anything from the past twelve or so hours. So, he could stay, and try and talk it out with Jackie, or make a run for it, practically naked, into the street.
As Jackie Reached for her night stand, he made his choice.
The Doctor sprinted from the room. Thanking for the second time that this regeneration was fast. This would have been perfect had, he not run into a wall.
Lying on the ground, he had a perfectly upside down view of Jackie storming towards him, frying pan (where she got that, he had no clue) in hand, enraged, yelling about perverted aliens trying to make moves on her.
His self preservation instincts kicked in and he heaved himself up, only to be hit in the face with a frying pan.
Still. This would not stop him, as he pushed past his companions mother, he had one thought. Survive. Despite the continued hits from the frying pan, he managed to make it. Running out the door, he heard one final yell.
" Don't you dare touch my daughter you filthy alien!"
He supposed it would have been a funny sight to see. A man, clad only in his boxers, bruises already forming all over his body, running for his life from a middle aged women wielding a frying pan.
Yet for some reason he was not amused.
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Rose Tyler gave a maniacal laugh as she looked over the final stage of her revenge.
This was perfect. With any luck, the Doctor should be arriving soon, and they would be even. Oh how much she would pay to see the look on his face as he woke up in bed with her mother. She really needed to thank Jack for the Retcon. Mixed in with his many daiquiris, the Doctor had no clue, and no memory of the event either.
As she pondered if it could possibly get better, the Doctor pushed his way though the TARDIS door.
She turned and looked at him, innocence coming out through every took all her self control not to laugh, there he was, the Doctor, in only his boxers. Covered head to toe in bruises. For a second he seemed happy to see her, as he rushed up the ramp to where she stood. He was about to hug her when he stopped. Just now noticing his surrounding.
Everywhere, on every surface. Was Jackie Tyler's face. The walls, the support beams, everything. He stumbled back in shock.
As he looked at Rose, suddenly everything made sense. It was her. She did it. This is what she had been up to. Her revenge...
"YOU!" the Doctor shouted, pointing a finger as he stalked closer.
Despite the enraged Time Lord in her face, she simply smiled.
" Did you have fun with my mother Doctor... I decorated especially for the occasion." She said, voice full of innocence. The Doctors eye twitched.
" FUN!, I'll tell you fun Rose Tyler. Fun is eating ice cream, Fun is going on a trip to another world with who you think is your best friend. Waking up almost naked next to your mother in bed is NOT FUN! See this bruise," he pointed to a blemish on his left arm, " LAMP! See this one," he pointed to his face, " WALL! And everything else... FRYING PAN!"
He gestured to his body as he said the last one. It looked as though there was no untouched skin left on his body, only pain and bruises.
" You know Rose Tyler, I generally make it a rule not to intentionally kill my companions, but you have changed everything. I'll give you ten seconds to hide but after that... you'll understand why they call me the oncoming storm." The Doctor Practically growled as he stood, fists clenched at his side, anger radiating off his very being like a wave.
And that's why Rose took no chances as she ran as fast as she could. Hoping to god he didn't find a room ( there were about twenty) filled with the life sized Jackie cardboard cut-outs (with the help of the TARDIS) cause then she'd be really screwed.
The Doctor watched as his dear companion ran for her life, counting to ten. As he ran after her he turned back to the TARDIS console. Pointing like a madman he exclaimed.
" And don't think you're off the hook either, I know you helped!"
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A/N:
wow. That took a while. I'm sorry it took so long, but please, if you liked it( or even if you didn't) leave a review. It would make my day.
Anyway. I know it's early but MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Also, this may be my last one shot in this series. I may write more but I also may not. If you guys have any ideas for a good revenge tactic leave it in a review. Every bit helps.
Now Farewell from Vampire's Do Not Sparkle.