blah blah blah, Mara, Luke, blah blah blah...YAY!
It had happened exactly a month ago. She had come up on some vacation time and had retreated to her cold, bare, Corsucrant apartment for her usual tormented six weeks of thumb-twiddling. (A/N: I really like this plot of Mara being forced to examine her personal life through forced vacation time...can you tell? :):) OH WELL! it's only fanfiction after all! on with the show, my chums!) Halfway through the first week she had been surprised at a corner cafe to encounter a familiar presence, one intensely irritating sandy-haired farmboy with an over-secure ego and an unwillingness to take her icy hints to heart. He had plopped himself down in the chair across from her and casually crossed an ankle over his knee and leaned back. Mara let the menu she was perusing theatrically slip down between her fingers and stared at him behind her sunshades, astonished, but not wanting to appear so. Luke grinned easily at her.
"It's been far too long, Jade, what're you doing here?" The usual mix of confusing emotions surged over her and she settled for rolling her eyes.
"vacation time." Luke nodded and caught the waiter's eye, gesturing at her beer and holding up two fingers. She raised her eyebrow. "what are you doing here?" Luke slipped the menu from her fingers and glanced over it cursively, and she caught a whisper of hesitation from him before he shrugged.
"visiting Leia and the kids and everything." Mara nodded and waited, but he provided no more information.
"So how are they?" Luke shrugged,
"Growing like weeds, full of junior school drama." Mara snorted.
"sounds like they're right on track." Luke grinned, his face shifting quickly. She found herself watching his hands as they turned the menu, and she felt his smile warm her own visage. She felt his sense and adrenaline sped through her and she looked away before she could smile back.
They had spent the rest of the afternoon drinking and telling stories about people they knew and tight corners they'd been in and rumors they'd heard.
Finally, their waiter, who they had come to know very well over the course of the evening, but who they were fairly certain still had no idea who Luke was came by and indicated the cafe was closing. Mara blearily reached for her wallet, but Luke waived her away.
"Come on, Jade, don't even think about it." He handed his credit to the waiter, and Mara found herself allowing him. She stood up and the room waved. She placed her hand flat on the table and waited for her heart to catch up. The gray faded from her vision, and she saw Luke grinning at her. He moved, gestured for her to move out in front of him, and Mara, warmed with drink, did so, managing not to sway or stumble. Luke's hand grazed her back and the drink rushed to her temples once again.
They spilled out into the evening streets, the pavement still warm from the day, the breeze sweeping over them happily. Everywhere the streets were calm and marginally busy, with only a few passing taxis and late-night trains. The broad sidewalk next to the river boulevard was empty, and Luke's pace slowed. Mara realized, after the fifth time she accidentally collided with his shoulder, that she was drunk. She could feel Luke's gentle amusement at her wobbily balance, next to her. She turned, to say something snappy, to push him, anything to remove focus from herself, but his hand settled gently on her back and the whiskey sang through her ears once more. Drunkenly, she found herself looking up at him, watching the stubble on his chin as he turned his face to look for traffic to cross the street. He noticed her gaze and she felt the warmth from his eyes. There was something else, she couldn't name or place, hanging between them, and, suddenly unsure, she turned back to the path before her and the way was dark and quiet between them for the rest of the walk.
He left her at her door after illiciting plans to meet the next day to see the market on the lower end of the high street. She felt her shoulder burning where he had squeezed it before he left and she frowned to herself as she kicked off her shoes and dropped her keys by the door and fell clumsily face-first onto her couch, her mind racing with wine, uncaring of her disheveled state. Staring at her hand trailing off the edge of the cushion, she watched it dangle, almost touching her hardwood floor, but not quite. It occurred to her, as her mind bent towards sleep, how finely boned her weathered hand actually was.
The next morning Mara found herself standing at the bottom of the broad street bridge in the newly-broken daylight, scanning the crowd of passing faces for Skywalker-specific features. She briefly wondered how closely either Luke or Leia resembled Annakin Skywalker. She'd seen one or two dusty photos once, but she hadn't paid close enough attention at the time. She then briefly wondered what their mother looked like. Her thoughts were disrupted by bright blond hair and an easy smile.
"morning Jade!" She found herself fighting an answering smile. He handed her a cup from a street vendor, filled with strong coffee. "sorry I'm late, I stopped to get some coffee." He narrated unnecessarily. Mara took the cup he offered her, nodded her thanks, suddenly mute, unable to think of a thing to say. Skywalker took a sip and gestured at the bustling row of tents and stalls.
"so what are we after, Jade?" Mara redirected her eyes to her cup and shrugged.
"didn't you say yesterday you were looking for something?" She paused to claw back through her hazy memory. She was pretty sure- Luke snapped his fingers.
"oh yeah, the twins are turning eight later this week." Mara blinked. The occasion of buying a child a toy was something she had very little experience with.
"you know what you're looking for?" She looked around at the tables near them. most of them seemed to contain the contents of the merchant's garages. Surely Uncle Luke could afford a brand-new store bought toy. Luke shook his head absently.
"nope. I figure I can find something appropriate for each of them somewhere in all of this." Mara raised an eyebrow. Luke noticed and grinned. "you don't think I can?" Mara shrugged, suddenly very conscious of his eyes seeking hers. She shrugged again and Luke put out his hand. Awkwardly, confused, Mara slipped her hand in his, and he shook it. (A/N: not a euphemism). "Challenge accepted, Jade, challenge accepted." His eyes smiled at her again and Mara found the rim of her coffee cup to be a pressing concern.
They wandered the stalls, lost in the crush of people and the festive atmosphere. Eventually Luke stumbled upon a ornate doll in a stall that sold mostly scarfs and sashes. The doll's dress was mostly old-fashioned and a little faded. Luke presented it to her for inspection proudly. Mara turned it over in her hands skeptically. She'd never had a doll, or any kind of plaything when she was a child. The closest she got was a toy blaster.
"it's kinda dusty, and the clothes aren't in great shape. I dunno." Luke smiled.
"her and Leia like to do sewing together, and I think Leia's getting her a needle set for her birthday, so they can have their first big-girl project." His enthusiasm was contagious, so much so that he refused to haggle for the doll, and paid twenty credits over the set price. The woman in the stall slyly accepted his cash, and Mara could see she thought him a simple-minded diplomat with no more common sense than a child. Mara felt a protective irrational irritation towards the woman blossom in her chest. She caught up with Luke.
"you shouldn't have done that. You have to haggle, or they won't respect you." Luke paused and looked at her. He shrugged.
"why should I care if a street vendor respects me? Besides, she needs the money, and I have little to actually spend it on." Mara chewed the inside of her cheek and considered the doll.
"well. I never thought about it that way." She conceded. Luke smiled.
"of course you didn't. You're a smuggler." Mara rolled her eyes.
"whatever. What are we gonna get your nephew?" Luke zipped the doll into an interior pocket in his jacket and stepped back out into the thoroughfare.
"luckily, Jacien, being a boy, has much more understandable interests." Mara rolled her eyes and followed him.
Luke found a small broken-down droid in a stall they had passed earlier, for which he also over paid. He good-naturedly ignored her protests and draped his arm across her shoulders.
"now Jade, what would you like?" Mara felt a sudden surge in her cheeks and realized she was flushing.
"a drink. That's what I would like." Luke chuckled, but didn't remove his arm.
"now come on, I know I've missed your birthday this year. And every year for that matter. Mostly because I don't know when your birthday is." Mara glanced at him, grinning at her, her face burning, and found her breath tight in her chest. She grasped his wrist by her shoulder. She pulled his arm back over her head and returned it to his side and pushed forward in the crush of people, pulse racing. She felt him following a little distance behind her.
At the edge of the market he fell back in step with her, but made no further attempt to touch her.
"you're really not going to tell me when your birthday is?" Mara paused against the stone wall that bounded the river. The breeze was cool against her cheeks. She bit her lip and forced back her adrenaline. She shrugged.
"I've never had one." Luke paused and she felt a flash of embarrassment from him and then a reassuring calm. She felt his gaze. The specters of their common past hung between them, a short, bitter old man imposing his chill on a sunny afternoon worlds away. He put his warm, broad hand on her back between her shoulder blades and she felt her shoulders flinch. Luke ignored it.
"well then, I think that deserves a drink."
They spent the rest of the day at a different cafe, who's balcony jutted out over the deep riverbank. Mara felt her embarrassment gradually recede and Luke's comforting and solid demeanor won her over and they soaked in the light sun, idly watching people. When the cafe began to get crowded with a dinner crowd, and the sun had begun to fade below the horizon, Luke stood and stretched. Mara noted the tightness of the cloth across his chest and bit the inside of her cheek as the horrific flushing feeling returned. Luke insisted again on accompanying her back to her apartment and his steps slowed in the shade along the riverside. She was lost in her own thoughts when she felt Luke pause beside her. She glanced at him and he was looking around frowning slightly. Staring at his chin, she felt it too, somewhere a high, plaintif cry rose. She felt him searching, and he moved forward, down the path, and in the shadow of a high old tree hanging over the river, he reached down and scooped something up. The cry ceased, and she felt his satisfaction. She moved forward, and Luke glanced at her.
"hold out your hands." He smiled crooked at her. She bit her lip and frowned.
"what is it?" She could feel a small mass of energy, but she couldn't quite identify it. Luke smiled.
"just do it." when she hesitated further Luke sighed. "Good Lord, Jade, just trust me." slightly ashamed, Mara complied and Luke slipped something warm and small and furry into her arms. She looked down at a small bedraggled kitten, striped red and white, who was painfully thin, but oblivious to anything in the world, but Luke. She could feel him calming the kitten next to her, and gradually the kitten's alarm receded and it took interest in the new being that was holding it. Looking up at her, it let out a half-meow and stretched it's paw to gently hook her shirt. After a long, searching moment, she felt the kitten's exhaustion settle over it and it's eyes closed. She realized she was shaking, and Luke was standing much closer to her than usual, his palm once again on her back between her shoulder blades. Against her will, her eyes slid up and met his. His hair was ruffled and there was a faint smile still on his face, and though his face was tired , there was an alertness in his ice-blue eyes. For a reason she could not name, she felt herself flushing, Luke's eyes measured her for a moment, and then he reached between them to gently ruffle the fur on the kitten's nose. The kitten instinctively twitched, and Mara flinched
"don't. You'll wake it." her voice was quiet, barely above a whisper, and not at all as jocular as she had been aiming for, and Luke's hand found her shoulder and he seemed to be fighting a smile.
"let's get your new pet home." Mara opened her mouth to argue, but his hand on her shoulder moved gently, and the heat from his body pricked at her arms, and she found that she was leaning towards him, thinking about the corner of his neck and shoulder. Alarm filled her, rushing through her ears, pumping in her throat, and bereft of defenses, she stumbled along, Luke's hand quietly on her elbow.
They said nothing the whole way home. Luke's hand gradually traveled from her elbow to her back to her shoulder, and Mara cuddled the kitten in her shirt against her kidney, next to Luke.
At her door, she tried valiantly to give the kitten back, to make him take it, but Luke's eyes were quiet on her and his hand gently ruffled the kitten's nose where it was tipped against her stomach. She paused, a flush creeping up her throat, and Luke muttered.
"I think the kitten's chosen." His voice was quiet and she couldn't tell if it was the empty silence of the hallway of her apartment building, but there was something in his tone of voice and the brush of his hand against her arm that made heat rise in her. Luke cleared his throat. "besides" he continued. "Leia would skin me alive if the twins caught sight of it." She shrugged and glanced up at him briefly. Luke's eyes were still on the kitten, but she could feel him shielding his sense from her. After a long moment in which Mara could feel her ears burning, Luke gave her a small smile and hugged her goodnight, promising to check back tomorrow with some food for the cat. Back inside her apartment, it took Mara a few good numb moments before she could take a deep breath easily and she shoved her emotions angrily away, face burning. The kitten moved sleepily in her arms and after a few moment she set about preparing a cup of warmed milk.
The kitten drank so deeply from the cup, Mara had to restrain her from crawling inside it. Her tiny claws surprised Mara and she swore lightly as the kitten continued, undeterred, farther into the milk. Mara found herself laughing at the singlemindedness of the little thing. Finally sated, the kitten spent a good number of minutes washing her face and purring contentedly. Smiling, Mara moved to the bathroom sink to wash it.
She wasn't very enthusiastic about the bath, but after a while and some gentle thoughts from Mara, she seemed to resign herself to accept it. Mara was actually surprised at how much the kitten seemed to enjoy being dried with her hair dryer. She stretched and stalked back and forth on the counter, tail held high, leaning in to the warm air. Mara found herself smiling at the simple pleasure radiating from the tiny being. She wrapped the kitten in an old hand towel and made a make-shift bed in an old packing box. The kitten circled a few time, and then it's weariness crashed over her, and she snuggled into sleep. Mara watched the frail frame for a few minutes. Her thoughts slid to Luke, wherever he was and whatever he was doing.
She resolutely straightened and went about getting ready for her own bed.
She was awakened in the early morning by persistent squeaking, which was apparently the kitten's method of informing her that it was hungry again. Mara gathered the being to her and made her way to the kitchen. The kitten feasted once again on the warmed milk, and this time Mara found a tin of dried fish, which she tipped into the cleaned platter. The kitten enthusiastically went about chomping the meat, undeterred by the size or unweildlyness (A/N: what? it's a word. or not. hahaha) of the pieces. Mara made coffee and followed the progress, snapping on the radio in her kitchen. When the kitten had once again finished it's meal, it had trouble moving with it's swollen belly. Mara thought of her own harsh life immediately following the fall of the Empire. She had been alone, without means to secure her next meal, much less shelter or a life. There had been quite a few hungry times in the years before she had managed to get on board with Kaarade. Those were quite dark and desperate times, and her but as she had gotten older, she had begun to think of those dramatic moments as the making of herself. More so than all her years with the Emperor, those first years, left twisting in the wind, scrambling, had formed the craggy bedrock of her character. Mara watched the uninterrupted enthusiasm of the little being before her, now crawling actively into the open can to reach greater nutrients. A knock at the door broke the silence.
It was Luke, carrying bags of supplies. He smiled gently, and Mara could feel him touching the kitten in it's food-addled absorption. She stood to the side and found her green eyes tracking him as he moved past her to set down his packages. A wave of his cologne brushed her and she blinked. Either she had never noticed his cologne before, or it was something new for him. Luke laughed.
"I see you improvised." Mara jumped and moved to the kitchen. Luke was squatting, his back to her, running his fingers over the wobbily but very proud kitten. It seemed somehow that the still-frail and small frame of the kitten made Luke's hand noticeably masculine. Something, she had not previously remembered noticing about Luke. Feeling her presence, and noticing the silence, he turned his head and met her eyes. Mara caught her lower lip in her teeth and moved towards the packages
"yeah. What'd you bring?" Luke's focus lingered on her a moment before returning to the kitten.
"just some things I assumed you didn't have and that the kitten would need." Mara pulled open one of the bags, lifting out tins of cat food.
"where did you buy all this?" Luke stood, carrying the kitten, who was now dozing peacefully along his forearm.
"shop down the street. Clerk set me up with everything she said we'd need." He paused, looking down at the kitten. "She was extremely helpful, nice girl." Mara suddenly found herself irrationally curious and slightly defensive about the nature of Luke's interaction with this faceless female. "We never had enough extra to actually have pets on the farm growing up, the closest I got was droids." His voice was low.
She thought about her toy blaster and all the hard years that separated her from her forgettable childhood. She felt for a moment, sadness, for the little girl with red hair locked away on spacecrafts or in training rooms. She rarely let herself dwell on the breadth and depth of what had been stolen from her, it was generally not productive for her, but as she aged and certain aspects of her life had settled, she had found herself more and more susceptible to considering it. There were long nights on the ship, lying awake and imagining who she might have been if the Emporer had never snatched her, and she found herself irrationally irritated by young women with their friends, or young couples embracing on the street, or other women her age with their children in public. Sometimes it was almost a physical pain against her ribs, and she had to remind herself to take deep breaths until the world continued moving and she could let it go. Mara looked down at the tin of cat food she had been turning in her hands, and realized shockingly that her vision was blurred with tears and her lungs burned with repressed sobs. Luke's big warm hand covered one of hers and she could feel his warmth quite near her. She set the can down against the table, and the deluge loosened.
It had been years since she had properly cried, and decades since she had cried in front of somebody. Her panic at losing control of her emotions only heightened the ugliness of her sobs. She felt Luke reel for a second, and then he had set the kitten down, and was pulling her against him, his hand moving against her back, between her shoulder blades, as she shook against his shoulder. She found no words to explain, but in the solid expanse of Luke's presence, she felt no expectation, just simple support and acceptance.
Gradually, her hands worked their way around him, and she found herself hugging Luke Skywalker, grief shuddering through her chest, her arms aching with the force of her clinging, and it seemed as though the tears would never end, that she would be trapped there forever, a victim of her past. Luke swayed with her, waiting out the storm of her tears, smoothing the hair from her face, and as her sobs eventually depleted, she found herself listening instead to the beat of his heart, and movement of his breath. Pressed against him as she was, she suddenly felt the disparity between their frames, the heavy solidness of Luke's chest and shoulders, and the strange narrow fragility of herself. She pulled her hand up against his shirt, and stilled. Not yet quite embarrassed, and not yet completely exhausted from her emotional turmoil. Luke's hand covered hers once again and she felt heat surge in her cheeks. She turned her face farther into his chest, squeezing her eyes shut, hiding, but she tightened her hand on his fingers on her palm, and she felt the gentleness radiating out of him. Embarrassment took hold, and she felt his humor. He tipped back, trying to get a look at her face, and she bit her lip and avoided him. His hand left hers and moved to her face, smoothing back her hair and pressing against the curve of her burning jaw. His stubble scratched her forehead and she felt him kiss her temple. A heat more than embarrassment flared in her and he tipped her chin up. She didn't quite know what he intended, but she felt a momentary surge of adrenaline from him, and then he kissed her softly on her mouth.
She was too exhausted to be shocked, and she found her arm slipping around his neck, and pressing back against him with all the force she could manage. His mouth was hot and the circle of his arms holding her against him ignited a sweeping heat in her stomach. She moved backwards, and Luke came with her, moving deliberately, his hands sliding on her hips. His certainty inflamed her as she felt her way backwards, though the door way to her kitchen, through the small sitting room, to her bedroom. Luke's hands were already under her shirt, and left little doubt about his intentions, and in the small moments between shedding their clothing, when she could hear him trying to steady his breathing and feel the total warmth of his presence, she found she didn't much care about how she was going to feel tomorrow. Mara hooked her hand across the back of his neck and pulled his mouth fiercely to her. Luke grunted in surprise and bettered her gamble by shoving her backwards until she fell backwards onto the rumpled bed behind her. Overwhelmed, Mara thought briefly she would probably remember the light in his face and the spike of adrenaline that accompanied it for the rest of her life.
In the still of her room, their pulses slowing, bodies cooling, Luke's hand traced patterns across her scar-ridden body. Mara felt the adrenaline fading, and the shock at the sudden right angle her life had just taken began to set in. She felt Luke next to her, calm, peaceful, happy, and she unintentionally met his eyes. His hand traced slowly down her forearm and she watched as he encircled her wrist with his fingers. Any kind of natural femininity or delicacy of her hands and wrists that she might have been blessed with had always been sacrificed to her training, and she had long had the blunt knuckles and wide wrists of a fighter. As Luke's fingers met on the other side of her palm, she was again suddenly struck by her own smallness. Her skin prickled along her forearm and she listened to him breathing quietly and gradually felt herself drawn to sleep.
The next time she woke up she was alone in her bed. It was a long time before everything came flooding back to her. Heart pounding, face burning, she rolled to face the window, pulling the sheet up over her ear. It was then she heard and felt him moving about in her kitchen. Adrenaline surged smoothly through her and she realized she was holding her breath. Sighing loudly, she pulled herself out of bed and set about showering. As steam poured from the shower behind her, she stared alternately at her face in the mirror, and down at her hands where they gripped the sink. Anxiety and vulnerability bubbled through her. Scowling, she stepped into the shower.
He was still there when she exited her bedroom later, hair wet, feet bare. He was sitting on her couch drinking caf and watching the window. A hint of warm cinnamon drifted to her and Mara felt her uncertainty vanish. She sniffed the air.
"are you." She paused. "making cookies?" Luke grinned sheepishly at her and she felt his vague embarrassment.
"force of habit." He muttered behind his caf cup. She saw he hadn't shaved that morning and a fresh wave of shock and memory flooded her. She fell silent, face burning. The still was broken by the kitten, mewing from it's nest on Luke's stomach. She watched his big hand reflexively smoothing the fur back, and briefly remembered how small her wrist had seemed against his. She realized he was looking at her and that she had been quiet for a long time. She briefly met his eyes and felt her heart surge again. She blinked and looked away, confused. She felt him stir, get up from the couch, deposit the kitten on a cushion, and then his big gentle hands were around her again, moving against her back, pressing her against his chest. She swayed against him for a long moment, biting her lip and secretly inhaling deeply. Every part of her screamed, burned, to flee. To shove him away, to be at the door in three quick strides, to rip it open and disappear down the hallway. To outrun the difficulty and complexity he presented. And yet, she swayed a moment, hanging against him, feeling herself once again small and delicate. She could feel his solid warm presence through the force, and haltingly, she allowed herself the small luxury of relaxing against him, of letting his warmth enclose her. And then she knew she wouldn't be ripping open that door and pounding pell-mell down the hallway in search of a dark broom cupboard where she could hide from him and herself. She felt Luke's sense still, and she felt her last bit of resistance fall, and she felt the strong sweeping fire of his excitement between them, and the echo of it in her throat. His cheek scratched against hers, and she felt her heartbeat shaking in her shoulders. She thought of all the lonely, tortured years between them. She thought of all the things she didn't have to explain to him. She thought of the peace and light that she had so often observed in his face, and she realized why she wasn't frantically running down the hallway like a frightened rabbit. It was at once overwhelming, and yet completely natural. Mostly, she felt strange, but completely normal, like she was one of those young women she had so envied for so long. Luke's hand found hers and he smiled against her lips.
...THE END stop reading now.