Downtown
by Nikki Little
The idea of posting a music video on YouTube popped into my head after hearing Petula Clark singing "Downtown" on an old vinyl record. Something about those lyrics just seemed absurd in today's America. I couldn't help myself and arranged for Hatter to be present with a camcorder when I conducted the first of the night's planned grocery store raids. Yeah, I still did a couple of those every night although it seemed pointless as a form of political protest, anymore.
Later that night I did my usual routine of prepping the grocery store for the robbery by throwing in the shrunken head of the duchess to release hallucinogenic fumes to chase out all the night stockers, floor cleaners, and the few managers around. It always worked: one whiff of that stench and they were seeing monsters that even the Cryptkeeper couldn't have dreamed up.
In went Hatter, and I supplied my crew of homeless robbers with gloves and ski masks to protect their identity. I used gloves, myself, too, but I never covered my face. Hatter was waiting for me, camera rolling. I already looked like Judy Garland. Time to sing like her, too. I wished.
When you're alone
And life is making you lonely
You can always go rob Cheapmart
My band of robbers cheerfully stuffed their gymbags full of basic staples as I sang.
When you've got worries
And the cops are making you hurry
It seems to help, I know, rob Cheapmart
I danced and swayed like Dorothy on the yellow brick road as I stuffed my gymbag full of Lindt chocolate bars.
Just listen to the music of the beggars in the city
Linger on the sidewalk where the storefronts all are empty
How can you lose?
My robbers and I started cleaning out the cookware section. There was never enough cookware in homeless encampments.
The lights have all dimmed there
No one forgets all their troubles, forgets all their cares
Let's go rob Cheapmart, things will be great
Let's go rob Cheapmart, no finer place for sure
Let's rob Cheapmart, everything's waiting for you
Now for the clothes, especially coats, scarves, and gloves. Nothing like camping out in January when you've only got summer clothes and bath towels for blankets.
Don't hang around
And let the cops all surround you
You can disappear, downtown
Now for the sleeping bags and other camping gear. We heaved that stuff straight through the portal back to the homeless encampment.
Maybe you know
Some little places to go
To get a meal and a bed, downtown
Toothpaste, tooth brushes, floss, razor blades, shaving kits, sanitary napkins, and all that routine household supply stuff that people with places to live take for granted.
Just listen to the rhythym of the lifeless elevator muzak
You'll be dancing with them too before the night is over
Happy again
The lights are fluorescent here
Let's forget all our troubles, forget all our cares, and go
Rob Cheapmart, where all the lights are bright
Rob Cheapmart, let's all get drunk tonight
Rob Cheapmart, we'll be alright now
Robbing Cheapmart, where all the prices are low
Robbing Cheapmart, where all the employees are paid squat
My robbers and I grabbed some tents and heaved them through the portal. Time was running out. I never kept homeless robbers in a store longer than four minutes.
And you may find somebody kind to help and understand you
Someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to
Guide them along
So, maybe I'll see you there
We can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares, and go
Rob Cheapmart, things will be great
Rob Cheapmart, let's not wait
Rob Cheapmart, everything's waiting for us
Robbing Cheapmart, where all the prices are low
Robbing Cheapmart, where all the employees are paid squat
The music video was finished, and Hatter headed off to Wonderland to process the video. I took my band of robbers back to their encampment and carried out two more raids that night. On the third raid, cops encircled the building just as I hustled everyone through the portal. I got out just in time. Sometimes I feel like I'm too old for this Robin Hood shit. Hatter uploaded the video to YouTube at a public library far, far from Wonderland the next morning and the video ended up on the front page of YouTube. It seemed like half the posted comments - there were thousands - were about the size of my body. Somebody politely informed me that I was no Petula Clark. I got several hundred marriage proposals. Tea Party cranks kept throwing "Thou Shalt Not Steal" in my face. Obama supporters accused me of "impatience" and "giving ammunition to the enemy." And the video was prefaced with an advertisement for Jenny Craig. A week after the video was uploaded, the FBI raided the library that Hatter used to upload the video. They tracked the upload to the precise computer Hatter used for the upload. Creepy. The world uptop is a zoo. It's a friggin' zoo up there. So glad I'm down here.
The End
This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. Warner Brothers owned the copyright to the song "Downtown" in 1964. I don't know who owns it now. My alteration of the song is a noncommercial parody which is protected fair use.