A/N: Just a random something I came up with while trying to come up with the bridge for my big project. May be disturbing slightly. Probably. No characters owned by me, all Bioware/EA blahblahblah
HUNHHHHHHH!
The sound of a husk jolted Commander Jane Shepard awake.
"Some of the crew were becoming worried, Commander." The artificially cheerful voice of EDI was not appreciated at this moment.
"Shut up! I'll be down in a moment." A husk alarm tone? Really?
The crew had noticed that in the week following the Collector Base, the Commander was becoming more and more volatile. Surely it was the strain and burden of a mind subjected to such abuse as she endured.
Somewhere in her psyche, as she grumpily dressed, a synapse misfired. From that came a flurry of new connections, not all of them necessarily absurd stretches.
"EDI! Assemble the crew in two hours in the conference room!"
So driven with purpose, she marched out of her cabin, forgetting to clasp her bra and with only one sock.
Stopping first in the mess, she advanced on Gardner.
"Coffee. NOW." Gardner, trying his hardest not to stare at his commander's loose bust, managed to stammer out "I'm afraid youve caught me at the wrong time, I haven't made a new..."
Disgusted, Shepard drew her Phalanx (loaded cryo ammo) and shot him in the groin. He froze instantly, so Shepard gave him a hard whack with the pistol, and he shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces.
"HR calls not having the Commander's coffee prepared an offense punishable by death!" She yelled at no one in particular.
She went into the cook station, walking over the now-strewn holos of Rupert's family he always had up, and grabbed the concentrated coffee mix, broke the seal, and took it in one swig.
She left the deck still grumbling, unaware that Patel, Goldstein, and Chakwas were huddling in the arms of the nearest crewmember, and that no one had a full bladder.
Jacob had heard some commotion outside, so he decided to try to add more depth to his character and went to see what was brewing. What was brewing was Shepard feeling up Kelly Chambers while studying the galaxy map.
Unsure of how to react other than any number of stereotypes, Jacob fired up his omnitool and began recording, 'for evidence'.
Just as it was getting good, Miranda messaged him, interrupting his recording feed.
"Dammit Miranda, what is it?"
"What the hell has gotten into Shepard? I slipped and fell in the mess on thawing chunks of Shepard's 'Chefs Surprise', and there's a team meeting in the conference room? And she has made no less than three threats to male crewmembers, vowing to inject ghost chili extract into their scrota... are you even listening?"
Jacob, distracted by the glimpses of moon and melon, only said "Yeahhh!" in response.
Miranda signed off, disgusted; without even the Illusive Man to call up and phone sex, how was she to deal with this shit?
2 HOURS LATER
"People, I have convened this meeting so that we may discuss our next move."
" Preparation for the Reapers?" Tali ventured.
Scoffing, Shepard shook her head. "No, Tali. Something much bigger."
She let that sink in, then cruelly smiled. "We are going to take over the galaxy!"
Thane stiffened in shock, "Siha, you cannot be serious. Even if we discount the Reaper threat..."
Shepard turned her gaze on the assassin. "Thane, trust me. This is for the good of the galaxy!"
Mordin started his jabbering next "Words consistent with powerful, indoctrinated agents. Reaper tech exposure, yet scans show no chemical deviation in mind or body. Delusional? Possible. multiple, repeated stressors..."
"Shut up your goddam docspeak and let the woman talk!" Zaeed groused. "I could use a bit of fun after that shit we been through."
"Umm, Shep... aren't you going to be arrested soon for blowing up Aratoht?"
"No, Kasumi. That's not why I'm being arrested."
Garrus shook his head, mandibles wide in disbelief "You mean you actually...?"
"Pay up, cheerleader. looks like I win the bet!" Jack gloated.
"Wait... Miranda, what bet is she referring to?" Jacob asked numbly.
"Accessing... Jack-subject bet Lawson-Operative that Shepard-Commander would broadcast a message to batarian space at or before the destruction of the Mass Relay."
""Hehehe... I like your style, Battlemaster!" Grunt chest-pounded Shepard, awash in kroganly hormones and an intense desire to be dominated by her. Sexually.
"Oh goody! Can we get the flashlight to replay that message? I could use a jolly good laugh right now..."
"Accessing..."
Shepard's face filled the projection.
"Batarians! I have always remembered your role in the Skyllian Blitz, Akuze, the Holocaust, and the writing of Mass Effect 3's ending! If you thought Torfan was a harsh retribution, just wait till you see what I'm about to do! 305000 of you will return to your ancestors: Joseph Stalin, Stephanie Meyers, Eugene Debs, and Gracchus! I might be doing this to stop the Reapers and Hackett's psycho girlfriend, but I will take great pleasure in frying as many four-eyed freaks as I can!" The rest of the recording was sputtering, juvenile, utterly inhuman laughter.
Silence overtook the team.
"I do believe we are drifting off topic slightly!" Shepard said after clearing her throat. Now, here's the plan for taking over the galaxy!" A spreadsheet, filled with incomprehensible algorithms, notations, and parameters appeared over the table.
STEP 1: Individual central governments become volatile.
STEP 2: Depose Terminus leaders, gain control of personal army
STEP 3: The Citadel government is replaced
STEP 4: Unite in the face of Reaper threat
STEP 5: Control Reapers
Garrus let out a strange guffaw. "Control the Reapers, Commander? Should we call you the 'Illusive Woman' now?"
"I prefer 'Supreme Potentate' actually." Shepard deadpanned, such that Garrus was no longer sure any of this was a joke.
Grunt, openly adjusting his armor after hearing 'Supreme Potentate', enthusiastically chimed "I'll always take your rear... er, be behind you, Battlemaster!"
Zaeed seemed to take it all the best. "Hey Jacob... what was that op you stopped? Something about poisoning the council? Think we could pull it off and blame the batarians?"
Every sane specialist took a step back from the merc.
"Actually, Zaeed, they will be framed sooner. Part 1 starts with war between the Alliance and the Hegemony- I'll broadcast my location when I turn myself in, then order the Alliance to fire upon the avenging fleet."
Mordin considered. "Ah, yes, would work for those two races, still fail to see how the rest would become involved."
"Im surprised, Mordin. You of all people should easily figure out how to get the krogan, salarians, and turians to get angry... and I'm sure a few shipments of ardat-yakshi should get the asari all stirred up."
Samara pondered. "And the justicars would be too busy hunting down the ardat-yakshi to stop you."
"Commander, do you realize that all this is counterintuitive to uniting to stopping the Reapers?!" Miranda felt a massive headache starting. perhaps Jacob and Kasumi would be open...?
Shepard looked up from the messages she just sent. "What was that? Oh, you must not have read the entire thing."
FROM: Cmmdr Shepard
TO: Tali
MESSAGE: Legion warned me the geth want to destroy the liveships. attack Rannoch in force NOW or be crippled!
FROM: Shepard-Commander
TO: Legion
MESSAGE: Tali told me the admirals are going to destroy your Dyson sphere and attack Rannoch. The liveships are now dreadnoughts. Neutralize them IMMEDIATELY!
Suddenly both Tali and Legion left the room, Tali mumbling about Engineering, and Legion citing maintenance of his telescoping erector shaft.
Garrus nearly choked: Did Legion seriously just excuse himself to play with himself?
"You see, Miranda, once everyone is fragmented, then the great Commander Shepard swoops in and fixes all the problems, makes a speech, then everyone is happy!"
FROM: WhinyBuckethead
TO: Mighty Leader
MESSAGE: I just informed the admirals. they are mobilizing now. Keelah I'm glad you told me.
FROM: FanBot
TO: Mighty Leader
MESSAGE: The consensus thanks you for your information. the consensus is sending preemptors and rallying defense platforms now.
EDI took that moment to chime in "Analysis of human tropes and plot indicates that Shepard's assessment is essentially true. Her plan could very well work."
"But control the Reapers?" Kasumi asked.
"Sure! Just need the right power source, then I grab some wires and become a Reaper. Simple"
Jack piped up of course. "So when you become an all-powerful sentient starship, I get the Normandy, right?"
Jacob went slack jawed. "Uhh, I don't think that would work quite that way..."
Miranda, by now, was on her fifth of tequila.
Mordin once again started his hamsterspeak. "As long as 'Great Commander Shepard' can defuse situations before unacceptable loss of materiel, life, or infrastructure, and successfully control Reaper forces, galactic domination would be assured."
"Damn right it will. Anyone with any additional idea can come find me in private."
"Oh! Oh! I've got one!" Grunt was hopping now. "Sparring practice!"
Suddenly, Shepard burst into a desparate, forceful, grating giggle, which increased in intensity into a full-on maniacal laugh. Drunk with newfound power, she walked out of the conference room, and started roaming about the ship...
Groaning as she slowly came to, shepard first saw the blue of her aquarium lighting, then the familiar outlines of her cabin. Next she was aware of a dull ache, leftover from recurring personal battle. So it was ome of THOSE dreams then.
She looked over at the warm drell body beside her, then straddled him. She slapped his gills hard, and shouted, "Wake up slave!"
Thane awoke with a start to see his lover in such a state. "Siha..."
"Uh uh. Put those fish lips to work right now!" With that she thrust her vulva over the assassin's surprised maw.
"Oh, and hand me that bottle of Midol. You really ARE better than Kotex!"