BBM- Many rivers to Cross

Many rivers to cross
But I can't seem to find my way over
Wandering I'm lost
As I travel along the white cloffs of dover

Many rivers to cross
And it's only my will that keeps me alive
I've been ripped, washed up for years
And I merely, merely survive

And this loneliness won't leave alone
It's such a drag to be on your own
My spirit is lonely and I don't know why
But I guess I have to try

Many rivers to cross
But I begin, I'm praying
Many rivers to cross
But my way back home I cannot find
Many rivers to cross...

-Blind Boys of Alabama

--

Ennis opened his eyes and knew at once that he was dreaming. Standing in front of him not looking a day over 30 was Jack, wearing the blue shirt from their time on the mountain and without that ridiculous mustache.

Jack said nothing, but just smiled and beckoned Ennis to come towards him. Ennis tried to walk, but for some reason his feet wouldn't budge. As Ennis struggled, Jack just watched, never losing the smile from his face. Suddenly Jack's image started to fade.

"No!" Ennis yelled.

He finally could walk again and he ran towards Jack. He was nowhere to be found. Ennis kept running and running until he found himself in a densely wooded forest. He followed a winding path through the forest all the while calling for Jack. He searched and searched for what seemed like hours when suddenly Jack appeared in front of him. Ennis stopped in his tracks. He tried speaking to him, but he lost the ability to talk.

Jack only gave him a smile and said, "Not yet."

Suddenly, Ennis woke up, his heart racing as if he had just run a marathon. Wiping sweat and tears off his face, he sat up replaying his dream in his head. He had been having similar dreams for the past month. Jack never spoke in his dreams expect for two words, "Not yet." Ennis wondered, Well if not now..then when?

Ennis got up out of bed and walked over to his tiny kitchen still thinking of Jack. It had been 5 years since he died and not a day went by that he wasn't on Ennis' mind. Without Jack he felt like half a person, just moving through the motions of daily life. Ennis started a pot of coffee and sat down at his small table.

Ennis lived in a small trailer out in the middle of nowhere. The only happiness he got was when his daughters would stop by. When Alma Jr. got married, he almost thought he was back to normal. But then he left the wedding and came home alone.

His mind still on Jack, Ennis walked over to the dresser and took out their shirts. He sat down on the bed and held them to his body inhaling their smell. Even after all these years, they still smelled like Jack and Brokeback. He closed his eyes and tried to picture the mountain and all the memories of it. As he got older, he could remember less and less. When his eyes started to well up, he walked over to the dresser and hung them up again.

Ennis then went through the rest of his daily routine like he had everyday since Jack died. He got ready for work. Went to work. Came home. Went to bed.

There were times when he just couldn't go on. He just wanted it to end. But he knew he couldn't do that to his girls. And who knew where he would go, and if Jack would even be there.

So life went on for Ennis Del Mar.

The years went by and he continued to go about his monotonous daily routine that was sometimes happily interrupted by his daughters. He was lucky enough to be blessed with grandchildren, and they made him feel lucky to be alive.

After the birth of his first grandchild, he stopped having the dreams about Jack. He still thought about him daily, but the thoughts didn't plague him in his sleep.

That was until one night when he was in his mid 60s. Ennis had just spent a day with his family. It was his granddaughter Abigail's birthday. He had been happy all day. When he got home, he immediately went to bed, and again dreamed of Jack.

Jack appeared at the end of a long bridge and Ennis was finally able to walk over to him. Jack looked just as he did in the previous dreams and wore the same smile. Ennis tried to touch him, but it was like a bubble surrounded Jack.

Jack only smiled and said, "Soon."

Ennis again woke up feeling as if he had run a marathon. But this time he had a different thought running through his head. I'm going to die soon? The thought made him scared and a little bit excited. He never really knew what to believe about life after death.

Jack had joked that 'guys like them would march off to hell.' But Ennis could never believe that someone like Jack could ever go there.

After this new dream, Ennis walked around afraid. He was very careful in everything he did, not knowing when the moment was going to come. Ennis tried to see his family every day. But he never was able to say the words to tell them how much he cared before he was gone.

Ennis decided one day that since he wasn't able to express how much he cared about his family, he was going to write a letter to each of them. He wrote one to each of his daughters, his grandchildren, and even one to Alma. He decided it was finally time to apologize to his ex-wife.

He took his time writing each, not wanting to forget anything and trying to make each of them special. After he finished all of them, it was already nighttime. Ennis got ready for bed and laid down. He felt relief for finally expressing his feelings to his family, even if it was just in a letter. He closed his eyes and went to sleep.

Ennis dreamed again. This time, he was standing at the edge of the bridge while Jack was waiting at the other end. Ennis looked down and noticed he was wearing the shirt he had worn back on Brokeback. As Ennis walked closer and closer to Jack, he noticed that the bridge led to Brokeback Mountain. He finally crossed the bridge and stood in the grass right in front of Jack.

Jack reached out saying, "Welcome home, Ennis."