It's like the simulated lightning they create at the science centre, there's first a crackle then, a flash of light.
The ceiling lights up in white brilliance . A flash shoots through the machine and Etta sees it before anyone else.
She freezes… right before doubling over and slumping to the ground.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
She wakes up woozy and lightheaded to the sight of her father hovering over her anxiously, as he holds her up and helps her sit up.
" What happened?" She blinks, trying to focus as she takes the water glass he hands her, taking a grateful sip.
" You passed out." He says grimly, squeezing her free hand.
" That's odd." She manages a weak chuckle. "Things like that don't happen to me." She shakes her head, feeling her vision swim as she tries to steady herself to her feet, stumbling slightly.
" No… no they don't." He nods somberly, the thought of his perfectly healthy daughter keeling over like that without an explanation is disturbing. He puts a hand on her shoulder, pushing her back to seating position.
" Don't stand up just yet."
She nods wordlessly, taking another sip of the water.
" Dad you're going to think I am crazy, but I think …"
" It's because of the machine?" he finishes knowingly. " Yeah, that would be far from crazy." He smirks without any humor. " It affects you."
" It affects me?"
" It was calibrated for my DNA." He explains. " And Olivia's too, as a failsafe. Of course it would respond to you. I should have thought about that. You could have been hurt. " He looks really mad with himself.
" I am fine." She assures him. " I really am. Whatever it did to me, I think it's over."
He nods and looks at her carefully, laying a hand to her cheek.
" I know it's really late but you think you're okay to drive back to Boston? I'd really like to get you as far away from this thing as possible, get you home to your mom, preferably before she has an aneurysm."
Etta nods, giving him a smile, trying hard not to fall apart in that very moment.
" I am okay dad. Let's go home."
She doesn't tell him what else the machine did to her.
She doesn't tell him that she remembers dying in his arms in 2036.
They drive in silence.
She feels like she's been possessed by a ghost, every breath sheer agony as the images assault her over and over.
Her fingers itch with the muscle memories of a different life, of war, of knowing how to use a gun.
…. killing people.
She feels an overwhelming urge to throw up at the thought of that, physically nauseated, disgusted with this other person who has taken up residence under her skin. With this soulless, unfeeling shell of a human being who could torture people without a second thought.
But she keeps calm, mostly for her father's sake. Her phone meanwhile buzzes relentlessly, loading up text messages racked up over the day, communication from her friends she's missed out on while being in a parallel universe.
She scrolls through them listlessly. Seemingly so much had happened.
Trish: Scored us those concert tickets. Jason's driving us. Next sat at 7.
P.S- Adam will be there : )
Josh: Did you finish Stanford application? Send me copy of admissions essay when you see this. ASAP.
Eddie: Guess what I got in the mail today? Combat ultimate 7 J . Tell Uncle Peter I said thanks. Play date next week?
Adam: Hy Etta. Cyu on Sat. You're going right?
Josh: Where the hell are u and why aren't u picking up? Send me the essay Bishop.. like seriously.
Megan: Rehearsals doubled for this week for the recital. We decided on Rise for the after party btw.
Ella: Want to go shopping this Sun? I need help choosing a present for your parents' anniv…
Josh: You better be lying in a ditch somewhere….. am going to go to community college and its ur fault.
Nigel: Shinny this Friday night at the rink. Get your helmet fixed or you're NOT allowed to playJ Can your dad come? We really need a good centre.
" Nice to be back home huh?" Her father chuckles at the way her phone keeps beeping. "Looks like you were sorely missed."
Etta resists the urge to laugh hysterically. This is the reality of her life. Concerts and parties and boys and worrying about college.
This is what some iteration of her past, present and future was willing to die for?
"Looks that way." She mumbles. "There's a game of pickup hockey tomorrow at the rink. Nigel's asking if you'll play? We need a centre." She relays the last message , almost on autopilot. Nigel was her friend from across the street. They'd grown up together.
Nigel took hockey seriously… very seriously and even now when she's basically going clinically insane, she knows not to forget that little fact.
" Sure. Sounds like fun." He nods. " Remind me to fix your helmet though. The strap keeps coming off. I don't want you to get a concussion. I think enough damage has been done today."
Damage…
She feels damaged, tainted by this person, this phantasm of another place, who has injected the toxicity of her world into hers, her brittleness scraping against her insides.
She doesn't want to feel so incomplete, so dysfunctional, so all alone.
Without her friends, her family… her parents.
God… her parents… having to grow up without them , not knowing where they were, not having them in her life.
The thought of it alone, it wrecks her, like she's been kicked in the gut relentlessly and then left to die.
She had been left to die….by her own violation. Her father's embrace, shaky, heartbroken, crying as he clutched her against him.
Would he think her crazy if she burst into tears right now, she wonders.
" Honey are you sure you're okay?" He's asking her now, his eyes scrutinizing her face worriedly. " You look really pale. Maybe we should stop and see a doctor…"
" I am fine dad. Really. " She nods, forcing a smile. " I just want to go home."
I have to go home. I have to be sure this is not some dream. That I'll wake up and it'll be gone.
That I'll be her.
Her mom's at the door, waiting for them, bundled in a grey robe, her arms wrapped around her waist.
" See Liv. Brought her home… safe and sound. Just like I said I would." Her dad bends down to kiss her mom on the forehead before going inside. She simply smiles before turning to Etta, moving to hug her.
" Welcome home."
" You know Liv we were only gone a day and a half…" She can hear her dad laugh from inside the house, but her mother ignores him.
" I can't pretend that I am not relieved to have you back." She whispers, holding her tight. Etta nods, doesn't protest like she normally would have.
A parent's affection should never be taken for granted, she thinks.
" I know…" She squeezes back as hard as she can, before letting go almost reluctantly.
" Peter told me… what happened…at the bridge. Are you okay honey?" Etta can see her eyes hovering over her face anxiously.
" I am fine." She lies. " I just want to go to bed if that's okay?" she shakes her off, making her way up the stairs in a daze to her room. She strips fast and gets into her bathroom, slumping into the tub with a tired sigh. She turns on the water, making sure it was loud enough.
Hugging herself, she begins to cry.
Earlier that day...
The military personnel at the check post read her reams of protocol, but she barely hears anything, too entranced by the sight in front of her.
The machine that saved two worlds…
No seventeen year old girl gets to see prehistoric wave sync machines from the future. No seventeen year old girl gets to walk across a bridge to an alternate universe. But she gets to go… at special request from the former secretary of defense no less, a 60 page classified iteration of which Broyles brings home to her parents that night, six months after they open the bridge.
Apparently being the product of a trans universal parental unit has it perks, that and being born to a man who was some iteration of a son one of the most powerful people on the other side.
She can see the way her mother's guard goes up immediately as Broyles relays the request to them.
"What does he want with Etta?" She asks sharply. "Why does he want to meet her?"
Broyles looks at her father. "She's dying… his wife. She's very ill. " He tells him. "And she wants to see you. She wants to see her son… and her granddaughter. She specifically asked to see Etta. "
Behind the clout of his position and authority, there is an impassioned plea of an old man who simply wants to make his wife happy.
Her father nods slowly, something akin to pain flash past his eyes, a feeling long buried perhaps. He clears his throat.
It must be hard Etta thinks, to mourn the loss of a parent over and over.
"But she has to know… I am not her son. I am not the same Peter. "
Broyles gives him a sad smile.
"I don't think it matters to her."
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
"You don't have to say yes to anything." Her mother tells her that night when they're alone in her room, her father having retreated to his study to….. deal with things in his own way.
"You know that right? There's no pressure." She brings a hand to her face, brushing an errant lock of hair away.
"Say no to a chance to see the other side, visit an alternate universe?" Etta looks at her incredulously. "You're kidding me right. I am definitely going."
Olivia smiles at her, in an odd knowing way, bending down to kiss her forehead.
"Just so long as you realize that you can't go back from knowing some truths.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
That's how she finds herself at the bridge. Lincoln's there, talking to her dad. She doesn't hear them either. There's a whirring sound in her head, like static. She feels like she's in a trance, immobile almost.
"Etta…" She hears someone calling her, but she feels lost, reluctantly she pulls away to meet the gaze of the two men in front of her.
It's Lincoln. He's looking at her curiously, somewhat worriedly.
"Your nose is bleeding." He tells her.
Her father's reaction to it is… excessive, bordering on full blown panic, a mess of shaking hands and too many tissues, he stems the somewhat copious flow of blood from her nostrils, cursing under his breath.
"I am okay." She tries to tell him once the trickle stops, but he has different ideas. He calls for medic, has her checked thoroughly…too thoroughly, for over half an hour till he's satisfied.
"I should have known. Stupid." He berates himself. "God, if something had happened to you…"
"It's just a nosebleed." She assures him.
"No…it was not just a nose bleed." He shakes his head slowly, a quiet storm brewing in his eyes. But he doesn't say anything more.
"Are you ready for this?" Lincoln asks, having waited patiently while the paramedic examined her, entirely tolerant of her dad's hyper behavior.
Fathers stick together, it seems.
They move through a maze of doors, stopping for security checks at every point, answering the same questions, listening to military jargon repeated verbatim until they finally exit out of a set of metal doors and step out.
The air feels different, difficult to inhale for the newly initiated, and Etta gulps and swallows laboriously, trying to adjust to the atmosphere, a blimp overhead catching her sight.
The sky is a different color of blue in this place, she notices.
And suddenly Etta feels all of five, her stomach turning, like her first time on the Ferris Wheel at Coney Island. Without any hesitation she reaches for her father's hand, grasping at it with an impossible tightness.
"Don't let go of me." She whispers sternly to him, all pretense of adulthood vanished as they move out of the door.
He smiles, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. "There's nothing to be scared of kiddo."
"Don't let go…" she repeats looking at him and letting him know how much this actually scares her.
She doesn't want to get lost. She doesn't want to get left behind, not in this world.
And maybe because he knows, understands even… what that feeling is like, he nods.
"I won't." He tells her.