Title: Dudley Dursley and Friends

Rating: T

Pairing(s): possibly none

Summary: Dudley Dursley created the Privet Drive trio when he was nine. Together, they shook both the Muggle and Wizarding World.

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Dudley Dursley and Friends

Chapter 1

If there was one thing that Vernon and Petunia Dursley prized over their two-story house and the Volvo, it was their normalcy. The surname Dursley, Vernon's job as manager of Grunnings, Petunia's tea parties with her neighbors… everything screamed the word 'normal' to your ears and plagued your eyes with their uncanny likeness. Under the same assumption, their son Dudley Dursley ('Got his name picked from my favorite grandfather, the little tyke!') was an eight-year-old perfect growing boy who bored an exact look to his father and had a gang of adorable, rebellious little boys and girls on his own.

This was where they made mistakes.

Dudley was an eight-year-old growing boy, but he was no perfection in any Vernon's way of a dream-like son. Dudley never listened to children melodies and songs an eight year old should; he loved Deep Purple and Alice Cooper at the first riff and has been collecting their CDs with his pocket money, which he got plenty from 'gang activities'. Dudley discreetly despised anything Petunia loved to put on him, which mostly consisted of pearl white, banana yellow and eye-bleeding red. Dudley knew how to fix cars and bikes, having toyed with them ever since Vernon bought them. Dudley's intelligence quotient could compete with Einstein, even if he chose not to show it.

In Dudley's point of view, his parents were normal. Privet Drive was so normal. People in general, unfortunately, were fucking normal.

Well, except for his cousin Harry Potter and his friend Draco Malfoy. They were his infinite sources of entertainment and Dudley couldn't quite imagine his life without them.

Harry, or Scarface, as Dudley and Draco called him – was a scrawny boy who fitted all of Vernon's categories of a delinquent and an abomination. Harry looked nothing like the Dursleys – one thing Dudley was so envious of – he had black bird nest hair, vibrant green eyes, pale skin that could make Vlad Tepes the Third blushed like a virgin and body as thin as a skeleton. However, the sweetest thing about his Scarface was that he was a wizard. Now, Dudley wouldn't insert any dramatic pause in here for the sake of entertainment, but Harry Potter was a magical being in flesh and blood. The children had come across this groundbreaking knowledge during on of their raids to Petunia's cupboard. They had found the birth certificate of one Lily Evans, her Hogwarts letter ('How come this school's name sounds so uncool?') and her old magic books. Of course, it hadn't taken them long to discover the whole ordeal.

(Flashback: Dudley and Harry, six and five years old respectively)

'So we have a Lily Evans, whose last name was the same with my mother's, her letter from a school named Hogwarts and some tattered freaky books. What do you say, Scarface?'

'Based on these information, I dare say Lily Evans was my mother and Petunia's sister, the Hogwarts thing is real, and I stand a fair chance of using these books, sooner or later'

'I agree. You've been able to do wild things ever since I knew I had a cousin. Lily Evans is dead and you're her son and a wizard, that's why my parents hate you so much'

'Right'

'What do you want to do now?'

'I wish to know more about my mother and if possible, find out my father's identity and why I was left to your parents. But first, we must locate my kind. What did the books say, D?'

'They were all purchased from somewhere called Flourish and Blott, Diagon Alley. Ring any bell?'

'Unless we can figure out where exactly this alley is, otherwise, we're stuck'

'Ask that cat over there. It may knows'

'A cat?'

'That cat isn't your average feline. It's been staring at the sign for a good hour'

(End flashback)

That was how the boys had made friends with the particularly strict Transfiguration professor, who swooned adorably at Harry's innocent questions and swore not to tell the Headmaster about them.

Unfortunately, despite McGonagall's effort, Dudley still thought the Wizarding World was a crazy place and definitely unsafe for children, well, younger than him at the moment.

(Flashback: after that cat incident)

'The Knight Bus? Are you kidding?'

'Yeah, Scarface's right, that's the worst pun I've ever heard'

Minerva stuttered. She had to admit that she never thought about the pun and usually just shrugged, only having taken the transportation once or twice.

'That doesn't matter, young men. Now, all you have to do is to raise your wand hand'

'Wand hand? Wizards use wands? God'

'They're so old-fashioned. I thought they would've used the Force or something like that'

'Who knows, D, they're wizards. Next thing I know they could probably have several Gandalf the Grey'

Minerva almost wanted to yank her hair out in frustration. Since when children became so cynical? Not waiting for them to finish their discussion, she raised her wand. As the blinding light dashed to where they were standing, Minerva snickered inwardly; she was sure they would be freaked out, but her mouth gaped open when they just stared at the bus.

'Nice try, Minnie, but you failed anyway'

(End flashback)

Diagon Alley, while filled with pleasant chitchat and perfect for newcomers, stood no chance against its twin Knockturn Alley – the real thing – at least in Harry's opinion. Dudley still deemed the whole thing super dangerous.

(Flashback: after the Knight Bus incident)

'I say we attack Flourish and Blott!'

'No, Scarface, you're geeky enough without another library. Minnie, what do you say?'

'Such a charmer, Dudley. You may want to visit Magical Menagerie and the Apocathery. Those two are the most fascinating places'

'Can we buy anything? I mean, we'll pay, not you, since you paid for the Knight Bus'

'Don't say the pun, Scarface'

'Sorry'

Having trouble resisting the infamous puppy-eye curse, Minerva gave in. Sighing deeply and complaining inwardly that she has been going soft, she took the boys to Gringotts and eventually told them about Harry's family.

'Great. Now I've got no family and a stupid scar just because that Voldemort guy couldn't do a kill properly'

'Harry!' scolded Minerva.

'Sorry, Minnie'

'Can we go to Knockturn Alley? I saw a witch carrying a plate full of toenails going in there! It must be much more interesting than Diagon Alley'

Minerva paled 'I forbid you, young men, to enter that place. It's not for children, for Merlin's sake, it's not for adults, either! You do otherwise and I shall have your intestines as Severus' potions ingredients' she was pleased to see them shudder. Her infamous colleague still struck fear through tales told by people.

'Don't worry, D, I'll make Minnie eat those words'

'Harry Potter!'

(End flashback)

They ended up buying a snowy owl that Harry and Dudley named Hedwig, wizarding robes, potions ingredients and three huge satchels filled with books, courtesy of his cousin. Minnie, nice as ever, shrunk the goods and charmed them featherweight. Oh, and they got a goblin to banish Harry's vault key in Dumbledore's hand and turn it back to him!

Dudley was a bit put out that he couldn't attend Hogwarts with Harry. He didn't want to be stuck with some Smelting snobs who knew nothing about entertainment! Minnie said he had no other choice but Harry made an oath that he would turn Dudley into a wizard somehow.

Together, they learnt everything. Had he mentioned that his cousin's IQ was off the scale? What mattered was speed: with the same problem, Dudley might take two minutes, however, Harry only needed thirty seconds. He had stopped feeling jealous a long time ago. Besides, they only touched Potions, Ancient Runes, History of Magic and the theoretic part of Defense against the Dark Arts.

Dudley's second bedroom was stashed with magic books, potions ingredients, vials and cauldrons of all sorts and two brooms. Petunia never found out about them, mainly because she never entered the room, much less cleaned it, as it was Harry's job.

Somehow, Dudley felt glad he had a magical cousin.

Draco, on the other hand, was a pureblood wizard whose ancestors could be traced back to the Roman time. He had curly short platinum hair, a cute, pointy nose, deep gray eyes and skin only slightly healthier than Harry's. In short, he stood out in Privet Drive. Dudley found him worthy of a friend for three reasons.

Firstly, Drake – Draco's nickname – despised his upbringings. Then again, Dudley wondered who would, since his full name was Draconis Lucian Malfoy and he was supposed to act like a total pureblood snob who regarded anything with blood less pure than him as thrash. His father, from what Draco told him, wasn't a very pleasant man and hard to please, especially since Draco was the heir to the almighty Malfoy bloodline and wealth. Harry and Dudley both cringed at the sheer number of social parties and etiquettes their friend has been going through.

Secondly, Draco was simply interesting. When Harry and Dudley had first met him, Draco was a duplicate of his father – he had spurt out everything his father said, from pureblood idealism to how low the Light magic has sunken. They beat that crap out of him and started teaching Draco to speak his own opinions. It was hard – stubborn Draco would stick to his father to the very end before huffing and stomping away, obviously confused about the contradiction. Nevertheless, when reformed, the albino boy was truly a remarkable sight – he had a tongue that could reel you to anger in less than ten seconds and possessed such sarcasm that made the Military Force retreated in fear. His intelligence helped, too. He was on par with Dudley, if not a little better because his parents weren't so ignorant like the Dursleys.

Thirdly and finally, Draco was everything a friend could ask for. He was loyal, sensible and not afraid to point out their faults. He was no hothead and accepted his own mistakes. Unlike Harry, who could be scarily stubborn at times, Draco was surprisingly easy to persuade. Of course, the reason had to be credible.

Draco had joined them one year after that they discovered Diagon Alley.

(Flashback: on a hot day)

'Hey, I've never seen that boy before. He's not from around here'

The albino boy stared at them with undisguised disdain. As if they cared. They advanced on him like some predator stalking its prey.

'Welcome to Privet Drive. Muggle or wizard?'

'Is there a wizard here?' the albino replied instantly and seemed to be in immense relief at the mentioning of 'wizard'.

'I think this one is off the rocker, D'

'Yeah. Who would have bit the bait so easily'

The boy's brow scrunched up in confusion as he tried to explain: 'Hey, I just accidentally ended up here and I don't even know where I am so stop kidding me!'

'Who are you?'

'My name is Draco Malfoy, heir to the Malfoy bloodline' said the boy proudly, puffing his chest out.

'Great, another snob'

'I'm not a snob! I'm nothing like my parents!'

'Then why are you acting like that, Draco?'

(End flashback)

Draco wasn't so pleasant that time. Then again, he had changed for the better.

Draco daily visited them by the Knight Bus, something his father irked so much about. Lucius had been tempted on several times to 'come and gave those Muggle brats a good warning' but was stopped every time with a prank. The poor father had been bombarded with apples, toy cars, Dudley's old clothes and some very nasty successfully brewed potions from the textbooks.

The Trio had thought their jaws would have fallen off from laughing too much.

Lucius somehow ended up being their financial sponsor. Dudley had to admit that was the best prank they've ever played on the pureblood aristocrat.

(Flashback: Lucius and the best prank)

'Listen here, old snob geezer. Your son has been kidnapped. You are not to alert the press, the Aurors, the Ministry, the Muggle Police or anybody else. The ransom is ten thousand galleons. Bring the money to the garbage cans behind Borgin's place. Disobey and your son will not see the light of another day. You have twelve hours'

Draco has been a worrywart ('What if my father doesn't listen to us? He's your typical Slytherin, he won't be trapped! Your kidnap is so obvious! What the hell am I going to do now?'). Dudley only worried slightly about the chance being discovered, but Harry was… being Harry, which meant he didn't give a damn if they were all busted.

It was just their stroke of luck that dear old Lucius brought the money, stashed it carefully inside the garbage can while complaining about the dirt that was going to stick to his expensive cloak. Draco retrieved the money and exchanged the amount to British pounds, which became a huge budget of about twenty-five thousands. Then, with Draco's own Solicitor's help, they bought a small cabin near the forest of Little Whinging and equipped it with three Internet-connected Macs, a wide-ranged radar and a sophisticated potions lab.

Draco also successfully acted the kidnapped son, crying and crushing Lucius' ribs with his bear hugs while Harry and Dudley hid behind the bushes and watched the scene with glee.

(End flashback)

Today was a special day to the Trio. After one year researching to the most obscure books in history, provided by Lucius' library without its master's consent, Harry had finally found out how to turn Dudley into a wizard.

The ritual needed exactly three people including the target. The other two must be magically strong enough to sustain the transfer and to have a usable amount of magic left afterward. Draco and Harry were overly confident with themselves, while Dudley almost freaked.

'You shouldn't endanger yourselves for me! You both risked turning into Squibs! Your father would have our heads, Drake! Say something, Scarface!'

'Come on, old Dud. There's no way we'd ever leave you with those Smelting bastards'

'Come here, D. The potion is finished. Stand in the center of the circle'

'You're mental… I don't deserve it…'

'Say one more word and you're dead, D. Now shut up so we can concentrate'

Dudley's last thought before the candles lit up was that he would never see another day again, along with his friends. He tried to stay awake through the ritual but his consciousness eventually forsook him…

… until he woke up to a slap to his face.

'Wake up, Big D. We succeeded' came in two very familiar voices. And wake up Dudley did.

The first thing he did after awakened was to check if he lacked any body part or suffered any deformation. Relieved to find none of them, Dudley turned back to his friends and was given two big, goofy smiles.

'Congrats, D. You're officially a wizard. And we're not feeling one bit tired'

'Seeing that your birthday passed, in about two hours, an owl should come carrying your Hogwarts letter'

'We said it already, we would never leave you to the Smelting's wrath'

As Dudley couldn't say anything, he started to hug his friends to the fullest of his muscle power despite their protest. Vernon Dursley be damned, he was a wizard now, and nothing could stop him.

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A/N: There, the first chapter! The idea popped out of my head while I was in the shower. Review the story, my friends, so I can make it better :D

Next chapter: Shopping in Diagon Alley, the Sorting and the Troll.