Change

AN: The following is my take on the alternative of Me before You.

Disclaimer: I own nothing

After excusing herself through an excuse of jet lag Lou treads numbly into her room. She let's her luggage drop at the door and flops onto the bed. Mindlessly she stares at the white of her ceiling. Will in a few days would no longer be there and she can't imagine it. She can't imagine not waking up and going to the annex and greeting Nathan and seeing Will. She can't imagine not spending her days with him and their endless banter. How empty everything would be without him. And no matter how many times she tried to picture a world without him she couldn't, and she ponders if sub consciously her mind was probably trying to protect her already broken heart. There was a numb feeling throughout her whole being, as if suddenly everything was a silent black and white film, there was nothing to break the dull silence or muted hues surrounding her. Her family leave her to be alone that day and they hold off on the questions about her holiday and she couldn't be more grateful for that act of kindness showed by her family. She can't sleep and still she struggles to feel anything as if her body is rejecting any type of emotions. She tries to think of Will and the memories they shared but nothing is brought into her thoughts her mind a dark void the only thing she sees is the dam white ceiling of her room mocking her emptiness.

At around 3 in the morning and she stills lies awake her body restless and all she thinks is that she needs to leave the house. Her body itches with anticipation and she place's down a note for her mom in the morning she still in her rainbow coloured unicorn onesie makes her way down the annex she decides to walk the whole way there she needed time to sort out her restless thoughts. But the walk does nothing for the emptiness that engulfs her world she can't think further that what she sees in front of her. She blinks and her hands scratches in her pocket for the extra keys she had yet to return and with certain hands she opens the door and enters the annex and she can't think how wrong this looks, how unstable this might make her seem, but her soul needed this. For the first time in her life she was absolutely quiet her clumsy nature had left her body as the atmosphere filled with harsh thoughts bombarding her senses all at once making her legs wobble and her breath hitch as her eyes fill up longing for release. She moves with unsteady legs and makes her way to his room when she sees his chest rise and fall slowly she breathes out unsteadily as her tears fall without her consent. The only words that flash in her head on repeat is "His alive,". Her body carries her to his side where she lays down next to him. He still hasn't stirred, and she wonders if this was a medicated sleep by how unaware he was to her body next to him. She lays her head gently on his chest and listens with unashamed amazement to his steady heartbeat. She knows his dad will come down to change his position sometime soon but can't be bothered by the thoughts he would have when he saw her in his son's bed. Her tears soak his t-shirt thoroughly so much so that she leaves a puddle like stain on his t-shirt, as she listening to the thud, thud, thud, thud of his heart pumping him full of life.

Will wakes up around 6 and panics at the heavy feeling on his chest and tries to move and realizes the impossibility of it. He tries to calm his pathetically racing his heart as he tries to wrap his head around his current situation. Maybe he was dying already and suddenly the thought filled him with dread and not the peace he had thought would come with it. This wasn't how he wanted it, he wanted to see Clark, Nathan and his parents before he went. He wanted to die that was certain, but he wanted it to be his choice the one of the few things he actually could control. Were the fates so cruel that even in his death his choice was taken away from him as if taking his ability to do anything for himself wasn't enough and now this was his final moments. He laughed cruelly at how things had turned out but before he had the chance to accept his fate he hears his name being mumbled out the sound very close to him. He finally looks down and notices the mess of long dark locks spread across his chest. He must be dreaming… he thinks and quickly screws his eyes shut and opens them again and the mess of hair is still there. Maybe he died during the night and he was in the next life, wasn't this fitting he thought a little surprised that he had ended up in heaven. It must have been heaven because there was Clarke sleeping soundly on his chest. He then tries to move to reach out to her to comb his fingers through her hair but soon he realizes he can't and with that it dawns on him harshly that this was real, and she was there, and he was still too bloody useless to do such as simple task. He sighs a little happy she is there and sadly as he wonders what changed her mind, its at this thought he realizes his chest is sticky and damp.

"She must have been crying'' he thinks soberly, and he knows it's all his fault that she is currently like this, but he also knows she will okay in time. And once again she mumbles out his name and by now he deduces she is sleep talking as her hand tightens on his t-shirt until her knuckles are pale, he listens intently trying to listen to her sleep ramblings. He can't hear much but the words alive and stay are there, which hurts him and frustrates him. He already made his choice why couldn't she understand that? Then for some reason he stops himself and thinks about what she felt and could he actually blame her? If it was her instead of him going off to end it all would he have been so accommodating as she was? And that's when he realizes he hadn't thought of it for as much as he though he cared extremely deeply about her he had never thought once about what it would be like to be her. The thought haunts him slightly as guilt creeps into his body. Eventually he resigns himself to watch her as she mumbles and jerks in her sleep she had been a very animated sleeper.

Lou wakes to an empty bed the next morning the she holds onto the sheets to smell his scent and the tears threaten to over take her once again. Her head still hurting from her last bout in the early hours of the morning. She hears Nathan and Will in the kitchen and is not sure she was ready to face them ready to face the days ahead knowing Will would leave this Earth in no less than two days from now. Here she can feel though it is a feeling of absolute misery and pain it was better than the empty void she felt at home. It takes her exactly 35 minutes to decide to greet Will as Nathan had left already to his next patient.

As she comes face to face with Will in her unicorn pj's an air of absolute heaviness lays itself between them. She tugs at her sleeves unable to meet his and he is the one to break the silence.

"Thank you for coming Clarke," he states his voice even with a slight wobble at the end. She in return glares at him, she was still upset with him but she couldn't just accept this, she couldn't accept their situation the once he had unintentionally forced her into.

"You don't expect me to go through with this without a fight do you Will," she says steadily. With those words spoken he goes ridged and his jaw tightens under his skin. His ready to fight as much as she is.

"Clarke, I told you nothing would change my mind I gave the 6 months and now its over and you need accept that," he states coldly. And she doesn't bat an eye or flinch as his cold demeanour.

"You gave your parents 6 months Will, that had nothing to do with me and I'm not here to change your mind,"

Her words take him by surprise but by the determined look in her eyes he doesn't give her an inch of willingness on his face. She takes this as a cue to carry on. "You want me to come and watch me kill yourself yes?" he flinches at her use of words and she feels slightly guilty as well but refuses to show it, he nods, and she continues. "Then Will I want you to give me a year…" she could see his total objection as he was ready to argue, and she silences him with a look. "Listen Will, your parents got years with you ...I got months and all I'm asking for is time. I'm not asking to stay forever I'm asking for less than fraction of time that your parents were given. I deserve that, if you feel anything for me then please Will give me this," her voice breaks at the end as her walls begin to crumble. All she wanted to do was be in his lap having him close to her, soaking up his essence for as long as she had the time, but she refused to give up just yet.

He still seems unwillingly

"Clarke I've made my decision and time is up, I'm tired of this wretched chair, I'm tired of not being me, I'm just tired and I want everything to be over," her lip trembles at the finality in his tone but she pushes back. "Then this is good bye then, I won't be coming with if you can't give me this one thing, all I'm asking for his is time Will Dammit! and then I'll go with …I'll go with you to bloody Switzerland! I'll stay as long as you need me, but I want the time, I want time to be happy with you will, to date you, to have more memories that I can keep with me when you leave me…" by this time her voice is breaking, and her face is red. And Will looks at her in shock and before he gets to speak she's gone and that would be the last thing Will remembers about Louisa Clarke, her fiery spirit and inability to give up until she has no choice left.

It's been a week since the incident and Lou has been trying to pick up the pieces since, Will's departure. She waited with baited breath for the call to his funeral every day but it hadn't come and probably never would, she wasn't really surprised as she was only but an employee. She hadn't gotten the good-bye she wanted, and she had felt unbearably guilty for not granting Will and herself the proper send off they both deserved. It was a slow Tuesday afternoon in the Clarke residence as Lou was yet to find herself a job after everything that had happened. Her family though had not urged her to find one after all she had been through. Which she had been thankful for, she was now currently watching T.V with her grand dad when the door bell had rung.

"Lou dear can you please get the door, I'm busy in the kitchen," her mother had called to her and reluctantly she went fearing it was Patrick there once again asking her how she was. He had come back a day after Will had left to see if they could once again start where they had left off she had refuses outright and he had taken it as a challenge to change her mind and has been bothering her ever since. With a huff she opens the door and sees no one at first and just as she is about to close the door she hears her name and looks down towards the sound. For a moment she can't believe her eyes. There on her door step was Will looking at her hopefully and with a hint of guilt. And further out on her street was Nathan in the car smiling at her.

"I couldn't do it Clarke, not without you. I want to give you time …. I'm not changing my mind, but I want I want to give you time. I want to give us time, I want you to have the best memories I could possibly leave you with," and she has tears running down her face she had gotten what she wanted finally Louisa Clarke had gotten something important that she had desperately wanted she had gotten more time to love, laugh and live with the man she loves.

THE END…