Disclaimer: I don't own Marco and Dylan, even though I wish I did. I'm just beating some sense into Dylan this time. Yes, I'm a hopeless fangirl, and I don't mind at all. Hope you like, Lexy! Oh, and I do apologize for a few grammatical mistakes in Mama DelRossi's dialogue, but I was trying to capture the way she's spoken in the show, so these were intentional mistakes.
Rating: PG 13. We all know what goes on in 'Degrassi'. Also, there's slash here.
Summary: When the party fades, Dylan thinks about his choice and realizes that freedom doesn't have to be the same as loneliness. Set after Moonlight Desires.
Italics signal thoughts and bold italics signal flashbacks.
A/N: I seem to be on a roll here, since this weekend I've finished lots of things I've had lying around. Let's hope this bout of inspiration continues. God bless, and happy holidays!
Sunlight Regrets
By Lenari Ryan
The sun filtered in through the blinds, hitting Dylan's face. He clenched his lids shut and turned to the side, trying to escape the rays, to no avail, and found himself colliding with another body. Eric. Damn, he thought, sitting up. Looking over at Eric, who was still asleep and showed no intentions of moving, he groaned and rose. The motion made Eric stir, but Dylan ignored him and moved to the bathroom.
He looked at his reflection in the mirror, noticing a bite mark clearly etched on his shoulder. He ran his hand through his hair, groaning louder than he had before. Last night had been pretty wild, apparently, and he had virtually no memory of it after Marco had left the party. "Damn it," he muttered, closing his eyes at the thought of Marco. His last words were vividly imprinted on his mind, and he half wished he'd forgotten those, too.
Realizing he'd lost his temper, he looked at the smaller boy tenderly, and placed a hand over his heart. "How I feel about you? This changes none of that."
Instead of reassuring him, Dylan's words seemed to trouble Marco further. "And that's fine and okay, but, you see, it changes how I… how I feel about me."
This wasn't the first time Marco's insecurities came to play in their relationship, but it was the first time that Dylan didn't know how to answer. "My freedom… that's important to me right now. I can't give that up," he answered honestly, hoping he would understand.
He watched a look of pain cross through Marco's face, settling in his eyes. "Then you and me? I can't. It's over."
Dylan froze, not knowing how to react. Knowing how much Marco loved him had made him block that possibility completely. Before he could find the words to reply, Marco looked at him, torn between regretting his impulse or reaffirming it, and, with one last unanswered pleading look, he departed, leaving Dylan speechless and confused.
A knock on the bathroom door returned him to reality, and he sighed, leaning against the wall as he opened the door. "Morning, handsome," Eric greeted with a grin, and Dylan smiled back humorlessly before turning to wash his face in the sink. "What's wrong?"
"Just thinking," Dylan mumbled in reply.
"About what? The idiot who dumped you?"
Dylan's head shot up, his bright blue eyes narrowing. "He's not an idiot, Eric. I was the idiot in the breakup."
"Come on, Dylan, just get over it. You have a right to be with other people. If he's an insecure kid who can't handle that, tough. Why dwell on that?"
"Because I love him, Eric," Dylan replied in a pained voice. "I shouldn't have pushed him so much."
Eric decided to change his tactic. "I can make you forget…" he offered in a husky voice.
Dylan pushed him away, peeling off his shirt and getting in the shower. "I don't want to forget. I just want to find him and make things right." Turning on the shower, Dylan let his tears mix with the water, trying to wash away the pain and guilt.
Marco shut his eyes tighter against the light that hit his face, refusing to face the new day. Last night had been a disaster, right from the minute he'd stepped into the party. He'd tried to flirt with other guys to make Dylan jealous, and actually found one he liked. Mike. He'd even asked Marco to drop by his dorm. In the end, he couldn't. He loved Dylan too much. But Dylan had kept to his friends, and to his other partner, and Marco just couldn't take it. He resorted to kissing supportive Craig on an impulse, trying desperately to get Dylan's attention, but even that had failed.
Marco pulled a smirking Dylan away from the party and into the same hallway where they'd spoken earlier. The hallway where Dylan had tried to explain after Marco had seen him with someone else. Now, the tables were turned. He took a deep breath before speaking, looking sincere and feeling troubled. "I love you."
Dylan smiled. Marco knew that Dylan had always loved how easy it came to them to say that to each other. "Likewise, but what was that?"
"Dylan, a lot of things aren't making sense right now."
He looked back at him with a look of incomprehension. "So, what do you want me to say?"
"That I made you jealous," Marco replied hopefully.
Dylan grinned in disbelief, scoffing lightly. "It was Craig."
Marco realized he had to be blunt for Dylan to understand him. "I don't want you to see other people. I don't like it, and I'm not going to like it, and I'm not going to feel bad that it bugs me."
He looked disbelieving again. "It bugs you?"
"It bugs me."
Dylan shook his head in exasperation. "It doesn't have to, okay?" Realizing he'd lost his temper, he looked at the smaller boy tenderly, and placed a hand over his heart. "How I feel about you? This changes none of that."
Marco had known that he shouldn't feel like Dylan loved him any less when he was with other people, but the thought of someone else with Dylan, his Dylan, troubled him greatly. "That's fine and okay, but, you see it changes how I… how I feel about me."
Dylan looked sad at Marco's insecurity, and, for an instant, Marco thought he'd gotten his point across. His reply, however, shattered that illusion. "My freedom… that's important to me right now. I can't give that up."
Torn by Dylan's refusal to see things his way, Marco understood that staying with him was only going to keep hurting him further. "Then you and me? I can't. It's over." He lingered briefly, hoping Dylan would try to stop him, but, regardless of how hurt Dylan looked, he remained silent. Realizing Dylan wasn't going to ask him to stay, Marco walked away, his heart breaking as he walked past Craig and leaned on the rail for support.
Marco cradled his head in his hands and sighed deeply. Breaking up with Dylan really hadn't been his intention. But he'd felt so hurt that Dylan didn't seem to care how much he was hurting, that he'd felt he didn't have a choice. Subconsciously, he'd always hoped that Dylan would react, but the most painful thing was that he didn't say a word to stop him. And, for the first time in all their relationship, Marco wondered about Dylan's feelings for him. Shaking his head, he forced himself to stop thinking about Dylan and dragged himself to the phone, dialing Craig's number and preparing to explain before going to talk to Caitlin.
Hours after he'd kicked Eric out of his dorm, Dylan had finally gotten dressed and gone after Marco. Dragging himself to the DelRossi home, he was now staring at the door and trying to gather the courage to knock. When he raised his hand to the door, it opened, revealing a smiling Mrs. DelRossi. "I've been watching you for a while, a-wondering when you'd knock."
He smiled bashfully, thankful that she was being kind to him. "I wasn't sure how I'd be received. Marco and I, we kind of…"
"Fought," she supplied. "I figured that. I knew he'd gone to that party just to see yeh, and when he come back early and disappointed, Mama know something had gone wrong."
Dylan sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Quite honestly, I was a jerk. I didn't realize how much my actions were hurting Marco. I was… selfish."
She could see a few tears welling up in Dylan's eyes, and she tilted her head. "I'm glad you're man enough to recognize that, bambino. Mi amore, my Marco, he is in the studio of Caitlin Ryan, si? If you hurry, you can catch him there, and talk."
He looked doubtful. "You think he'll talk to me?"
She smiled, lowering her voice. "I think that, even though he is mad at yeh, he be wanting to see you. Ti ama," she explained simply, and he smiled brightly.
"Grazie," he thanked her quietly, remembering how Marco had taught him to.
"Prego, bambino, prego. Parlare, si?"
He nodded. "Si." With a last wave, he ran off in search of Marco.
Marco felt strangely comforted by the notion that he'd be spending the entire summer in Africa. Away from school. Away from Dylan. Away from the people that thought he wasn't worth anything as a blood donor because he was gay. His eyes were fixed on the floor as Caitlin rummaged in her office for the brochures she had from the Capetown missions. She'd just found them and handed them to him when the door to her office opened. Marco finally looked up from the floor to find himself lost in the blue sea of Dylan's eyes.
"Hi," Dylan breathed, looking pained, and Marco steeled himself.
"Hello."
Feeling the tension escalate between the recently separated couple, Caitlin excused herself. "I'll let you two talk. Think about it, Marco, and let me know before the end of the week."
Marco nodded quietly, and Caitlin departed. The minute the door closed, Dylan began speaking. "I know you've no reason to, but would you hear me out?"
Marco crossed his arms over his chest defensively, looking away. "I guess."
Dylan began speaking hesitantly. "Yesterday, I… I was a jerk. I didn't realize how much my being with other people would affect you. And last night, without you… I had my freedom. The freedom I so wanted you to give me. And you know what? It left me empty." His last words were whispered, but they struck Marco deeply, forcing him to look at Dylan. Taking this as encouragement, Dylan continued. "It's been less than a day since you left me, and I already miss you. I took you for granted, Marco, and it's the stupidest thing I've ever done."
"Are you trying to get back together?" Marco asked, unable to keep hope from creeping into his voice.
"Yes," was the reply, in a tone clearly demonstrating relief.
Marco didn't feel quite as a ready to end their separation. "What about Eric?"
"He's not you, Marco. This morning, when he tried to touch me, all I could think about was the first time I'd been with you. How much we'd loved each other then. And I realized that I want be with you, only you, even if that means being tied down all through college. We can always have this next summer for us before class starts again."
"I'm leaving for the summer," Marco announced, shaking his head. "To Capetown, to help with the AIDS cause," he elaborated.
"It doesn't matter. We have a bit before that happens."
He looked rather disappointed. "You mean you don't mind that I'll be away for the entire summer?"
Dylan shrugged. "I'll miss you, but this is important to you. If you've got to go, go." For the first time in months, Marco could feel Dylan's uninterrupted support and love. He bit his lip, thinking, letting his eyes roam over Dylan's tense form. Before he could speak, Dylan smirked slightly. "We could, however, reach a compromise."
Marco grinned back. "Could we?"
"Yes," Dylan replied, moving closer to Marco. Once they were facing each other, close enough for Marco to hear Dylan's breaths, he spoke again. "I'll let you go without me if you promise me something."
"Anything," Marco replied breathlessly, trembling lightly at the closeness between them.
Dylan cupped Marco's face in his hands. "Move in with me when you come back. Hell, move in with me before you go."
His eyes lit up, making Dylan smile. "Yes. God, yes."
He hesitated for a few instants before leaning in to kiss Marco, hugging him tightly against himself. Their kiss was tender, slow, and when they parted, Dylan rested his forehead against Marco's. "I love you," he whispered, and Marco smiled brightly, brushing Dylan's lips with his.
"I love you, too."
A/N: After months of having small drafts of this on my computer, I've finally gotten my ass around to finishing this and posting it. Hope you all enjoy. Please let me know what you think about this… and sorry for the pointless fluff and the lousy ending.