Disclaimer: Not mine, Bellisario's.
Song: House for sale, from Lucifer/Margriet Eshuijs
House for sale
Time line: Harm and Mac are married for nine months. Harm left JAG and works for a private law firm. Mac is acting JAG while the Admiral is on sick leave due to a car crash.. Three months ago they found out Mac has endometriosis.
Fridayevening
JAGHeadquarters
Leaning back in her chair, Mac yawned and tried to relax her stiff muscles. Being acting JAG surely demanded a lot of desk time. She checked her internal clock. Friday evening, 19.55 already and the pile of files didn't seem to have decreased since last Monday.
She decided to call it a day and grabbing her coat, briefcase and cover, left the building. Her car was one of the last standing in the parking lot and it didn't take long before she was on the beltway, heading for Idylwood where she and Harm lived since their marriage, nine months ago. It was a two stairs house, dating from the '30s and a large garden, perfect to raise a family. She squeezed her eyes for a sec. Better not let her thoughts wander that way.
The brake lights from the cars in front of her flashed and she lowered her speed as well. In moments the smooth drive had changed into being caught in a traffic jam. The flashing lights she saw in the far distance gave away the cause: an accident.
Not having to focus on driving bought her thoughts back to home, Harm and their marriage. A subject she was not keen on to focus on right now. She flipped on the radio, just in time to hear the DJ announce a "Dutch song, a big hit in the seventies, House for Sale from the group Lucifer". Group name nor song title rang a bell but when the somewhat hoarse voice of the female lead singer piped though the radio the lyrics hit her like a ton of bricks.
Thesignwentuponerainymorning
Justacoupleofhoursafterdawn
Mrs.Hadleypeakedoutthroughhercurtains
Wonderingwhatwasgoingon
Theneighbourssaidovercoffeecups
Thatniceyoungcoupleisbreakingup
Mac gasped.
Andinthelivingroomthelinenandthecrystals
Sitallpackedandsettogo
ItellmyselfoncemoreIwon'tbehereinspring
Toseemyrosesgrow
They had talked about planting roses. Next Spring, Harm had promised. A nice small rose garden, to remind them of the place they first met.
Andallthethingsyoutriedtofix
Theroofstillleaks,thedoorstillsticks
She thought of the enthusiasm Harm had started to renovate their new house with. She had known he loved DIY, after all he had renovated his loft as well, years back. The previous weeks he hadn't done anything though.
Iknowyou'vealwayslovedthatpainting
FromthatfunnylittleshopinSpain
Rememberhowwefounditwhenweduckedin
Fromthatsuddensummerrain
ButIthinkI'llkeepthesilvertray
Mymothergaveusonourweddingday.
If they would split up, what would he take? What would she cling unto? The refrain sounded again, over and over again.
Houseforsale
Youcanreaditonthesign
Houseforsale
Itwasyoursanditwasmine
Andtomorrowsomestrangers
Willbeclimbingupthestairs
Tothebedroomfilledwithmemories
Theoneweusedtoshare
The row of cars started to move again, and Mac drove on, her vision blurred with tears.
When she arrived at their house, it was dark and deserted. For a moment Mac's breath hitched in her throat, then she remembered Harm told her he was having a ball game.
Suddenly exhausted she dragged herself in. Although she didn't feel like it, her body demanded some kind of food. In the freezer she found a TV-meal, almost past its sell-by date. It had been long time ago she had one of those. Harm always cooked and he was very fussy about the right amount of proteins, vitamins and whatever other good things were lurking in the dishes he prepared.
Meal in hand she crashed on the couch. While eating she zapped aimlessly through the channels hoping to find something to occupy her mind, finally stuck at an old sitcom. But it didn't take long for the exhaustion to take over, half an hour later Mac was sound asleep, her meal half eaten en forgotten on the coffee table.
Not much later the phone went. Mac stirred in her sleep. but did not wake up. On the other site of the line Harm was waiting for her to pick up. Getting no answer he sighed and left a message "Honey, it's me. Seems you're not home yet. Me and the guys are going for a drink. Won't be home too late. Love you."
11.30
Parking his car, Harm was relieved to see Mac's vehicle parked on the driveway. Driving home he realized he forgot his keys so either she had to let him in or he had to disturb the neighbours, who had a spare key. That would not be necessary. Quietly he knocked and waited. No Mac showed up at the door, nor was there any sound coming from within the house. He knocked again, a bit harder. Still the same result.
Harm frowned. Her car was there so she should be home. More worried by the minute he started to bang the door, calling out Mac's name. For a second the image of Fred Flintstone flashed through his mind.
Mac was dreaming 'The house was still the same, the furniture, the decorations, a vase with flowers on the table. But the life in it was gone. She sat at the table. On it two lists, his and hers. From outside came the sound of hammering. Through the window Mac could see his back, bended over the sign and the swing of his arm. She couldn't see what was written on the sign but she knew it was 'For sale' and the number of the broker.'
She stirred in her sleep. The banging sounded so real. She struggled to open her eyes. It was real; someone was banging on the door and she heard the concerned voice of her husband "Mac, Mac, are you there?"
Drowsily she raised and staggered to the door. Harm almost fell into the house. Seeing the expression on her face, he asked "Sarah, honey, what's wrong?" The sound of his voice was her undoing. Mac flung herself into his arms and started to cry uncontrollable. Harm, feeling her sag, was quick to lift her, kick the door shut and carry her back into the living. Shocked by the low temperature he turned to the fire and turned it on. Then he sat back to the couch, wrapped the Afghan around Mac and lifted her on his lap. She slumped against him and kept on sobbing. In between Harm could hear her desperately try to talk to him "I'm so sorry, don't leave me." Seeing her in such distress his heart cried for her and he tried to soothe her with soft words and reassuring strokes, rocking her to and fro. "Sshht, sweetheart. It's ok. I got you. I'm not going anywhere."
Finally, after almost half a hour Mac's sobs subdued and she was able to form a coherent sentence.
"I'm so sorry about the way I treated you. I didn't know how to cope... I shouldn't have pushed you away." She took a deep ragged breath and tried to sit straight. Harm had already sensed that this would be the topic. He lovingly wiped her hair back and agreed "Yes, we have to talk. But remember, I'm going nowhere. I love you, and we will figured this out. Together." He looked deep into her eyes, now red and swollen from crying and waited till she nodded. "But for now, I'm going to make sure you eat something better than this." His nose wrinkled as he looked at the unappetizing half eaten tv-meal.
"They are not that bad," Mac defended herself. "I ate them all the time when I lived in my own."
"Well, you're not living on your own any more," Harm retorted, picking up the plate and walking to the kitchen to get rid of the remains. Coming back he crouched in front of her, reached out to caress her cheek and asked "Do you want me to make something else?" Mac wanted to say it was already past midnight and he was not going to cook for her now but her growling stomach betrayed her. Obviously talking to him had bought her appetite back. Harm smiled. "I'll keep it simple," he promised "just heat a bowl of home made tomato soup and grill a cheese sandwich. And for you I'll add a slice of ham," he winked. "You shed a few pounds since we found out and I don't want you to get sick."
In a few minutes he returned with two bowls of soup, a plate with sandwiches and two glasses of milk. They ate in silence, each engulfed in their own thoughts. The food gone, Harm cleared the table. He stretched. "Let's go to bed. It's almost 0100." Mac nodded.
It didn't take them long to prepare for bed. Slipping under the cover next to him, Mac turned to Harm, still a bit unsure. "Make love to me,' she whispered shyly.
She didn't have to ask twice. Immediately she found herself laying on her back, Harm hovering over her. He kissed her, first with tenderness, then with growing passion. When he pulled back his eyes were dark with desire. He let his fingers slide over Mac's face, tracing the delicate lines, marvelling in her beauty. "Never ever doubt your right to ask me to make love to you," he whispered hoarsely before kissing her again.
Thenextmorning
Mac had been awake for some time when she felt Harm stir and slowly wake up. She felt his gaze upon her face and smiled shyly "Hi".
"Hi yourself." He leaned in for a kiss. "Why don't I go downstairs and make us breakfast? We can eat in bed."
Mac smiled "Sounds like a plan, sailor."
While he was downstairs Mac slipped into the bathroom, used the facilities and brushed her teeth, in the meantime thinking long and hard. She realised that even as Harm hadn't given her any cause to, her own insecurities and self-doubt could, and would, cause trouble. They really had to talk and now was as good a moment as any.
Harm returned carrying a tray with bowls of cereal, freshly cut fruit and two mugs of coffee. They took the time to enjoy their breakfast, occasionally feeding each other a slice of fruit. When they were done, Harm put the tray away and turned to Mac. "Wanna talk now?"
Mac nodded. "First I want you to know how sorry I am for how I treated you. I pushed you away when I should have come to you."
Harm couldn't deny it, it had hurt when she had shut him out.
"It hurt, Mac. It hurt seeing you suffer and not be able to help you and it hurt I was not the one you turn to."
"I know it's not an excuse but for so long I dealt with things on my own..." her voice trailed away. "I couldn't face it. I buried myself in work to keep myself busy so I hadn't time to reflect, no time to feel the pain."
She took a deep breath. This would be the hardest to admit "I felt such a failure. I know you want a child, you will be such a wonderful father and I am not able to give that to you." Another deep breath. "There are a lot of things in my life I'm not proud of, especially in my youth. I know I'm damaged goods, Harm, and I don't know what I did to deserve an amazing man like you. I kept wondering if any of the things I did back then had caused this and I couldn't ..." her lower lip trembled. "I know you never gave me any cause to think so, but I couldn't face the possibility of your rejection."
Harm shook his head in disbelief. Here was the most amazing woman he knew, the woman he praised himself so privileged to have and yet she was so insecure of herself.
"Sarah, it is me who can't believe how I deserve a woman like you. I love you so much."
"But I'm barren, Harm.
"You're not," he said softly. "Four percent is not zero percent."
She kept silent, fighting her tears.
"Sarah, do you hear me?" he pressed. "Four percent is not zero. A lot of babies have been born from women thought to be infertile."
She slowly nodded, trying to let his word sink in. He watched her struggle and gave her the time she needed. Finally she whispered "I know but I … it was such a blow that I couldn't see that."
She turned to him and let her head rest on his chest. Finally she sat straight again and whispered "Thank you."
Not knowing what to say Harm just smiled. They sat, each engulfed in their own thoughts.
"What next?" Harm wanted to know after a while, prepared to let her take the lead.
"I think I should look for counselling," Mac said without hesitation. She looked at him "That is, as long as you're okay with it."
Harm pulled her close and kissed her forehead. "I think it's a wise and brave decision," he agreed. "And maybe we can have a few sessions together...?" he asked.
Mac let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. "I would like that. And there is something else. I want to start taking the pill"
Harm's head snapped up. He looked surprised, hurt and disappointed. "You're giving up on a baby, just like that? You don't want to fight for it?"
She caressed his cheek. "No, I don't give up. But my OBGYN recommended I should use the pill for some months. It had something to with regulating the membrane of the ovary. I have to admit, I wasn't in a state to pay full attention to what she explained. But I will ask." Harm nodded, listening intensely.
"Secondly, my cycle is somewhat irregular. Taking the pill for a few months can help fix that too. It's like kick-start a heart with an electric shock when it doesn't beat regularly. And third... " she took a breath. "I have to cope with everything what have happened. The possibility I'll never have a baby of my own... the way I dealt, or better not dealt, with it, we need some us-time." She suppressed a sob. "The stress every month, my period being late, the hope I might be pregnant, I can't have that now, on top of it all. When I take the pill, if only for a few months, I won't have to think about that." Now she was really crying again.
Harm pulled her close, blinking away his own tears. "It's al right, sweetheart, it's al right." He kissed her head. "Until then, do you want me to use a condom?" Mac thought for a second "No, that won't be necessary." She knew he hated them, although he would never say so and would never refuse to use protection, if asked for. He was a true gentleman.
She turned towards him and planted kisses on his jaw and cheek before reaching for his mouth. He was eager to meet her. They would make it, from that she was sure now.
Fridayevening,17.45
Almost6monthlater
Mac drove home, humming to herself. She looked forward to the weekend. In the distance she could see lights from the cars flashing and she lowered her speed as well. Not a traffic jam, she silently prayed. She and Harm had a lot of plans. Friday night was their movie night. He had promised to make her favourite lasagne and she had managed to find a movie Harm and she both had wanted to see for some time. With a chuckle she reminded herself not to eat too much, she had gained a few pounds over the last months and although it was good to have back the weight she shed in the weeks after discovering she had a condition, now her uniforms started to fit a bit tight. Harm really had made up to his promise to fatten her up. On Saturday they would drive to a garden centre and buy roses for the rose garden Harm had promised her. He had worked hard the previous weekend, preparing the soil and plotting out where to plant.
And then she had been shopping during lunchtime and bough a nice new pair of lingerie she was eager to model for him. She smiled, looking forward to his reaction. He loved to see her in the scraps of lace and satin. She sighed. Sex had never be a problem, but her endometriosis still was. She had taken the pill for 5 months, during this time they also had had counselling. She had worked hard on her self-doubt and trust issues. Harm couldn't have been more supportive and the sessions they had together had brought them even closer. Having stopped the pill three week earlier she now had to wait till after her period for an appointment with her OBGYN to discuss the next steps. She frowned. One of the purposes had been to regulate her period but now she was late again.
Thursdayevening,
Almostaweeklater
Since her period hadn't started yet she had become increasingly unsettled. She felt puffy, like she was holding fluid and her breasts were tender. She was glad she had managed to make an appointment with her OBGYN for the next day.
She wondered if she would ask Harm to come with her. He was ever so supporting but she knew he hated to talk about their sex life and Mrs. Malone hadn't asked for his presence. Maybe she should go alone.
As the radio only broadcasted talk shows she decided to pop in the CD with songs Harm collected for her, songs that had a special meaning for the two of them. Among them was, of course, "House for Sale". The first notes made her realize she was falling into her old trap, again wanting to do things on her own in stead of as a team and she instantly decided to talk to Harm and ask him whether he wanted to come with her. The relief she felt by making this decision told her it wasn't just honouring their partnership. She herself needed him to be there. She was really worried.
Fridaymorning
That morning they were welcomed by Mac's OBGYN, Mrs Malone. She waved them to a chair and started to ask all kind of questions. Then she took Mac to the next door examination room, leaving a worried Harm behind.
She helped Mac on the table and started the physical examination. Then she smeared Mac's belly with gel to make an echo. She had the screen turned away form Mac, while she moved the sensor over her stomach. Suddenly she gasped at which Mac, already tensed, became really alarmed and tried to sit straight "What's wrong?"
Mrs Malone shook her head and went to the door to call in Harm. He was beside his wife within seconds, taking her hand.
Turning the monitor towards them, she slid the sensor over Mac's stomach again. Mac and Harm looked wide eyed when she started to clarify the blobs and blips on the screen and pointed out the little head, arms and legs. Mac was not holding fluid, she was pregnant. She was already six months pregnant!
Reality slowly sinking in Mac started to cry. Harm held her tight, her head tucked into the crook of his neck, while tears streaked his cheeks too. They clung unto each other, not able to utter a word.
Mrs. Malone decided to go back to her desk and give them some time. She called her secretary to hold other appointments for a moment, knowing this would take more time than anticipated. Ten minutes later Harm and Mac emerged, both still in a daze.
The OBGYN smiled at them and when they were seated again she started to explain. It seemed most likely the pill had mimicked a normal cycle, suppressing the signs of a pregnancy. Mac must have gotten pregnant just before she started using the pill. Harm and Mac shared a glance. Those love sessions on that remarkable weekend must have done the trick.
Mrs Malone smiles. She was just as happy as they with the outcome. "Luckily one of my clients can't make it to her appointment this afternoon, so if you can come back at 16:00 this afternoon, we can discuss this further. Now you need a little time to let the news sink in."
Both Harm and Mac nodded. They did need some time.
Before driving home they both called in an emergency, explaining they would be back on their duty the next Monday.
In the afternoon they were back to the hospital. Mrs. Malone made another echo, again explaining everything on the screen and providing them with some pictures. Also she told Mac she probably would really start to show over the next days. It was like the body finally allowed itself to accept the pregnancy. Maternity clothes were an issue soon to be dealt with.
Before showing them out she handed over a stack of leaflets on nutrition, vitamins and other stuff she wanted Mac to take, as well as some prescriptions. A next appointment was also made.
At the parking lot Harm helped Mac into the car. She started to frown, then laughed. "You're not going to dote on me, are you?"
"Yes, I will," Harm stated firmly. "I make sure you eat well, don't strain yourself, not carry heavy things, not too much stress..."
Mac took his hand and kissed it. "No, you don't. I mean, you can dote, just a little, but you're not going to be obsessive. I promise I will read this," she patted her purse with all the leaflets, "and eat healthy and talk to the Admiral first thing Monday morning about my schedule but I'm not going to live under a glass cover for the next three months." She kept looking at him till he relaxed somewhat. "I love you, Harm, and I like your attention, very much I can say, but if you keep hovering over me for three months, we will be at each other throats." She chuckled "Well, at least I will be at yours."
Reluctantly he nodded. "Guess you're right. We have to find a balance."
He walked around the car and slipped behind the steering wheel. "Well, what's next, home and tea?"
Mac nodded relieved. She knew she had to say these things but she was happy he wasn't mad or overreacting. "Why don't we drive by the pharmacy first and get the prescriptions filled in?" she suggested. He gave her a grin and drove off.
They decided to tell their family and friends on Monday, giving themselves a bit of time to get used to the big change that was about to happen.
Harm planned on decorating the room himself and as they didn't know the sex of the baby yet, both agreed in wanting it to be a surprise, they settled for cream coloured walls, a border with all kind of zoo animals and a crib with off white and yellow curtains. A few pictures on the wall would add more colour to the room. A trip to the DIY-shop and a baby store was planned for the next morning as well a visit to the navy shop, to fit Mac with maternity uniforms.
Monday
Mac was early, hoping to speak the Admiral before her figure betrayed her secret to her co-workers. Mrs. Malone had been right, it was like 6 months of pregnancy had blossomed in one weekend and she really showing now. Pulling into the parking lot she was relieved to see her CO's car. Inside she shed her briefcase, coat and cover and headed for his office. On her knock she received a "Come in".
The Admiral was sitting behind his desk, the cane he was still using after his recovery from the car crash leaning against it. Looking up he said "What can I do for you. Colonel?" but then, seeing her appearance, his jaw almost hit the ground. Mac had to bite back a smile.
He raised partially, then sat back in his chair "What the h***?"
Quickly he motioned her to sit, then all but demanded an explanation. And Mac was most happy to spill the beans. When she finished her story, she didn't need to ask for restricted duty. The Admiral told her she was confined to desk duty from that morning on, adding immediately that he would make sure she still would have high profile cases to sink her teeth in. Mac smiled. She knew he was very happy for them and this was his way to show it.
Outside Harriet was waiting to ask Mac something about an ongoing case. As soon as she saw her she gave way to a scream loud enough to alarm the whole office. Within seconds Mac was surrounded by co-workers wanting to know what was going on and she couldn't be more happy to fill them in.
Three months later
JAG Headquarters
"Tiner, can you call everyone together?"
A few moments later the Admiral announced with pride "I'm happy to tell you that last night Colonel MacKenzie gave birth to a healthy baby girl, 23 inches long and 6 pounds and 4 ounces in weight. She is called Alexandra Joyce."
The end.