a/n: This is based off The Bourne Identity novel, that I only recently read… The details of this piece may not be incredibly accurate, so if you see any inconsistencies don't be afraid to let me know. I meant for this to be sort-of an inner monologue for Marie and how she feels about Jason. I hope I managed it. Any comments or criticisms of any sort are welcomed.
Marie St. Jacques
Oh, my love. Don't crucify yourself for what you cannot remember, what you both long for and dread to see. I'm so frightened for you, darling. Who are they and why are they hunting you?
It is on nights like this that I allow the fear to live in my thoughts. You are sleeping at last, but my worries give me insomnia. You say things in your sleep, names and phrases that don't make any sense to me—except Carlos. You are determined to find Carlos, the most infamous assassin the world has ever known.
"Get Carlos. Kill Carlos," you mutter, hands gripping the thin sheets with white-knuckled fists, sweat drenching your body. I am beside you in the bed, sitting up and watching. I wish I had pen and paper to write down your words; maybe you could make sense of them in the morning, maybe seeing them could trigger them memories you want to have back, if only to turn away from that path you were on. "Cain is for Charlie… and Delta is for Cain…"
You are Cain, you told me—the man who wanted to replace Carlos, the chameleon that Treadstone created and then lost. I am not so sure… I think that there are pieces missing from this story; sometimes I feel close enough to you that I can feel the gaps in your memory, the painful holes the bullet left behind. But the million-dollar weapon you tell me you are and the man I know you are do not connect. A killer would not have come back and saved me from that animal in Zurich. But you did. You came for me and saved my life. I'll never forget that moment—it was when I began to believe in you. The love came afterward. I believed in you first.
Aren't you afraid of me? Do you remember? You asked that of me after you had saved my life, incredulous of the fact that I would not run from you—you who had taken me hostage and put a gun to my head. I replied that I was, but that I knew what you had done for me.
That statement still stands. I know what you did for me and what I'm willing to do for you. You will save me; I will save you. Remember our words before we first made love? We came together to escape the violence surrounding us. I thanked you from my life. And in return you thanked me for yours.
Oh my darling, am I saving you by staying with you? You have tried to leave me twice now—I hate thinking about you gone. I feel as if I'm suffocating every time you make up your mind to disappear from my life. If you leave me… I will wait for you to come back for me. Though I am tired of this violence, I cannot abandon you, not now that I've found you. We can save each other, love. Nothing will be the same once you find out who you were.
I'm tired of running. Tired of being afraid of an anonymous enemy that knows who we are, knows our names, and knows my face. I'm tired of watching you suffer for things that you cannot remember and cannot change. But you can't stop, you won't be satisfied until you know everything about Jason Bourne. Only after you know everything can you walk away from the past, walk away with me and live in peace.
"Marie… ma cherie, reste avec moi…" You reach out for me, still unconscious, your face twisted in fear. I come to you and let you pull me close. You don't need to be afraid, darling. I won't leave you. I can promise you that.
I love you. But greater than that, I believe in you, Jason. And somehow I'll help you find a way to believe in yourself.