Things the Team Learn from Each Other
Dinosaur droppings have a tendency to explode if microwaved
Janet does not respond well to weevil masks
Janet will proceed to go into unstoppable frenzy if faced with weevil mask
The rift does not respond well to golf balls hit into it
The rift will return golf balls with double force into the golfer's crotch or forehead
Do not pull a prank on Ianto unless you want to live on decaf for a while
And pterodactyl food
Using a modern insult on Tosh is like telling a brick wall its bricks are off-colour
Kidnapping someone in the middle of the night is not a appropriate prank
Gwen packs a mighty punch when insulted or kidnapped
Only let Owen near the kitchen if you want something to explode
If Tosh drags herself to work complaining of slight joint pain she's probably broken her kneecap
You must never talk about the bunny
Once you understand and accept the fact that the medical machinery only responds to Owen, we can all get along
Band-Aids don't keep head wounds closed
The loss of limb will not be fobbed off as 'just a flesh wound'.
Dinosaurs like the taste of freshly dismembered limbs
Once dinosaurs get used to the taste of freshly dismembered limbs, they may or may not attempt to dismember further limbs for extended enjoyment
Humans were never meant to ride pterodactyls
Neither were Time Lords ever meant to ride pterodactyls
The laws of physics are facts, not challenges
Even if you are a twat you don't order pizza under 'Torchwood' unless you want a dark-haired, Welsh, policewoman to track you down and try to infiltrate your base
Always buy quality birth control
Never misjudge the importance of 'Don't feed the animals' signs at the zoo
The base does not require a crocodile in river, no matter what Owen says
The resident prehistoric animal will object when attempts are made to introduce another similar animal to the area
There is never enough chocolate in the hub
Computers don't appreciate melted chocolate in the keyboard
Efforts to extricate chocolate from the grasp of a woman WILL prove harmful and/or fatal
Pretending that the corpses in the morgue are rising from the dead is very hard to rig up
You must be careful to remember that you have rigged up such a scene to avoid giving yourself a heart attack at two in the morning when you stumble in after a hard night's drinking
A jelly swimming pool in what were previously underground living quarters is very hard to drain and unstick
32. If you don't inform your childlike companions that you're removing their jelly swimming pool from what were previously living quarters, they may not take the surprise too well when they arrive expecting a sticky swim
You do not require a theme song
Gwen will kill you if you hum said theme song every second of the waking day
You will wake up in a cell with the theme song blaring at you in full volume from speakers just outside the cell door and left there to rot for as long as Gwen sees fit
Never turn your cell phone off
Unless you want Jack to half strangle you when he finds you ok and lock you in the cell next to the weevil
Torchwood will pay you when it wants to
Never ask what's in Jack's second right hand draw for fear of death
Ianto's titles for inanimate objects are under no circumstances to be challenged or discussed
No matter how much Owen or John want to have a Torchwood orgy it's never going to happen
Sometimes it's hard to tell if Jack is genuinely upset, but if you continue to do whatever you're doing and it's the wrong decision, you'll wake up in a hospital bed for your troubles
No matter how much you persuade them, Janet and Myfanwy will not engage in a battle to the death
Under no circumstance are you to stun gun a condom
Especially a full one
The five second rule does not apply in the hub; you never know what's been there
It's safer to feed it to Janet
Janet goes freaky when she eats meat lovers pizza
Janet goes freakier when she eats vegetarian pizza
Even evergreen Christmas trees don't stay green for long when watered with the hub's own pretty display supply