Right oneshot... I was bored is the explanation for this...
Bold = Chris' thoughts
Italic = lyrics
Normal = story
K so I wrote the song in this so no copyright etc issues there...apologies if you feel that it's crappy I wrote it while I was depressed...anyways so yeah my song no stealing!
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Christopher Halliwell peered through the curtains as he and his class prepared for their performance. Surprise surprise his mother wasn't there; she'd been a Wyatt's though. But then he was her do no wrong golden child; Chris was just the result of a lot of crying and dying after his dad had been shot by a darklighter. His teacher was watching him with a strange expression on her face, all of the other children looked either excited or nervous, Chris just looked, defeated. The brunette 11 year old clutched his guitar tighter as the reality that his mother had once again passed him over sunk him and forced the young boy to bite back a sob. What was so wrong with him that meant his mother didn't want him? A nod from his teacher and he moved towards the centre of the stage waiting for the curtains to open.
In the audience Leo waited anxiously for the curtains to open, this was the first time he was going to hear Chris play, the boy was extremely secretive about what he did up in his room and Leo was desperate to hear his youngest. As the curtains slid open hush fell over the entire audience, Chris had played at the last performance too and had received a lot of praise for it, Leo though had been kept back at the Manor. The brunette slid onto the stool at the front of the stage and started playing. A few bars in the eleven year old began to sing:
It's so easy to fool you all
No one cares to look
Beyond the mask that's up
Everything is hidden away
Cos no one cares to look
Beyond the mask I put up
No one knows the real me
Cos no one is allowed
To get close enough
Secrets are there that can't be revealed
But still no one cares
Even enough to try
Chris looked up from his guitar and his eyes were drawn to the seat reserved for his Mom, the seat she wasn't in. He held back tears as he played eyes still boring into the empty seat next to his father, Leo shifted uncomfortably once he realised where his son's eyes were resting.
I had to learn that didn't I? It wasn't right for me to be known as that, I had to learn how to hide everything I knew, everything I was feeling to protect you. I had to push people away, make them not want to know what they weren't allowed to, keep your precious secret. I had to lie a lot as well didn't I? None of this was anything that could ever be found out.
With a sudden ferocity Chris snapped his gaze from the empty seat and sped up the tune the notes becoming angrier as he reflected.
My life has been shattered by a broken trust
Lies, goodbyes it's all just too much now
Feeling alive is something strange
Everything I know has gone away
Nothing's ever gonna be the same again
Everything hurts so much right now
I can't deal with what's been thrown upon me
And I ask once again
Why does no one know who I really am?
The music started calming down and Chris' eyes dropped back to the guitar hiding himself away from the looks he was getting in the audience.
Broken trust, broken love, broken heart, broken child. The list goes on Mom, but you just don't care.
Leo was staring at his son, both in shock at how well he sang and the lyrics, it was obviously something Chris had written – everything was original.
Slashes appear and they fade
Things are different
From what the people think
Away from all the stereotypes
I'm just a broken doll
No one wants to fix
What is so wrong with me?
That makes no one
Want to know who is hiding
They are all just content
With the image
I've put in front of me
Chris' eyes never left his guitar for the entire verse; a few members of the audience had tears in their eyes as the young boy's song captured their hearts.
But I have my own secrets now. I have a lot of things of my own; after all you never cared enough to help me heal when Mel died, no one did. I just lay there day after day broken.
Once more the music sped up as Chris launched himself into the noticeably more angry chorus.
My life has been shattered by a broken trust
Lies, goodbyes it's all just too much now
Feeling alive is something strange
Everything I know has gone away
Nothing's ever gonna be the same again
Everything hurts so much right now
I can't deal with what's thrown upon me
And I ask once again
Why does no one know who I really am?
I'm struggling and you don't care, this world is too much without a mother's love. I barely feel at all, people say they feel alive but I don't know what it means. I have nothing I know in this world anymore. We lost Mel and it all changed. You changed.
Chris slowly wound down from the chorus headed for the next verse still managing to avoid all the looks from people watching. This was the first time anyone had been allowed to hear this song. The first time Chris dared to pour his entire soul onto paper and let someone hear it.
Things are way too different now
For me to fit in
With all the rest of you
I'm trying hard to keep a face
On the front of it all
As if I'm keeping up
It's slowly breaking me down
Tearing me apart
Before all your eyes
But it's another thing I hide
Cos it's so wrong for me
To not be perfect
No one really dares to think
What might happen
Beyond the mask of joy
By now there was hardly a dry eye in the house as the entire room was silent bar the young boy's voice and his guitar. The room was in a trance as the brunette played, no one daring to interrupt his melody, no one wanting to interrupt.
You changed me too much, I'm working too hard to keep it going but still no one notices. I can't fit in anymore, I don't belong anymore. I can pretend yeah but it's not the same as actually belonging. It's tearing me apart and I won't be able to keep this mask up much longer; I'm cracking under the pressure of hiding, of fitting in, of keeping up appearances, because that's what this is all about really, my ability to keep up appearances – it's a good job I learn quick isn't it?
My life has been shattered by a broken trust
Lies, goodbyes it's all just too much now
Feeling alive is something strange
Everything I know has gone away
Nothing's ever gonna be the same again
Everything hurts so much right now
I can't deal with what's thrown upon me
And I ask once again
Why does no one know who I really am?
But they don't do they? And no one ever will because I am never going to be able to tell them. Never be able to reveal the pain and darkness.
Fragile walls are shattering
Revealing feelings there
I don't want coming
Shards of glass are cutting me
But I don't want to stop
It's what I want to feel
Everything surrounding me
Is breaking down
And I just can't deal
Way too much strain
I'm pushing my limits
To keep myself going
While I walk away
I'm nothing like your average kid
I'm in constant pain
I'm hiding from the world
I can't do this forever Mom, it's hurting me. I can't hide forever. I can't deal forever. I'm going to crack. I can't deal with this much pressure. I can't. My life is collapsing around me and all I can do is watch, I have no power to do anything – I'm hurting too much from your rejection.
My life has been shattered by a broken trust
Lies, goodbyes it's all just too much now
Feeling alive is something strange
Everything I know has gone away
Nothing's ever gonna be the same again
Everything hurts so much right now
I can't deal with what's thrown upon me
And I ask once again
Why does no one know who I really am?
Tears were streaming down Leo's face as he watched his son on stage. This one song revealed more about Chris than 11 years of knowing him had. Why had he been so stupid, so blind? He sent his attention back to the stage as Chris' voice once more cut through the silence.
Someone please hide me away
I'm not ready
To face them all again
I hid so much from them before
And now it's out
What if they don't want me?
Scars are littering my arm
None of them understand
Why I needed it
I'm screaming inside
Mental walls are breaking
I can't cope with it
I can scream inside but you just don't care, I live in fear. I live with addiction; I need the control, I'm addicted to the control, to the release, to everything the blade can offer. It's barely a replacement for you, Mom, but it's good enough to stop me falling into the abyss.
My life has been shattered by a broken trust
Lies, goodbyes it's all just too much now
Feeling alive is something strange
Everything I know has gone away
Nothing's ever gonna be the same again
Everything hurts so much right now
I can't deal with what's thrown upon me
And I ask once again
Why does no one know who I really am?
The pain's never gonna stop, but nothing else is the same anymore is it? Mel died and everything went wrong, I wasn't good enough anymore. Yet I find this out and I just have to deal and move on? I'm not like that Mom, but I'm sorry if that's a disappointment.
There are problems in my life
That no one wants to know
That no one needs to
I look inside myself
And I'm dying
Filled with blackness
It's nothing something I ever thought
I'd have to see
Myself going through
My life is full of secrets
But they're not the ones
That can be told
Drowning in my own despair
Won't someone come along
And pull me out of it
The surface is so far away
And I am sinking
It's getting further
Did you hear that one Mom? You're killing me. You're filling me up with blackness, I'm becoming a void. You've done a good job of making sure no one cares though. No one has once tried to help...no one has once tried to save me from drowning.
My life has been shattered by a broken trust
Lies, goodbyes it's all just too much now
Feeling alive is something strange
Everything I know has gone away
Nothing's ever gonna be the same again
Everything hurts so much right now
I can't deal with what's thrown upon me
And I ask once again
Why does no one know who I really am?
It's gone Mom. My life. It's gone.
Leo sobbed unable to keep his eyes on his youngest son, the emotion had been ringing through Chris' voice the entire song and it was overwhelming the man who thought he knew his son.
My life has been shattered by a broken trust
Lies, goodbyes it's all just too much now
Feeling alive is something strange
Everything I know has gone away
Nothing's ever gonna be the same again
Everything hurts so much right now
I can't deal with what's thrown upon me
And I ask once again
Why does no one know who I really am?
My life has been shattered
Lies, goodbyes
It's all just too much now
Feeling alive, it's strange
It's all just gone away
Hurts so much right now
Once again I ask
Why can no one tell
Who I really am!
I really am
Really am
Really am
Who I really am...
Chris stood up and silently walked off stage, ignoring the applause behind him. He hadn't done it for that, he'd done it for his sister.
I love you Mel, never forget it. I'm sorry that I can't be stronger but I'm freefalling into blackness and there's no way out. Goodbye Mel, I'll be with you soon.
A half smile flitted across Chris' features as he made his way backstage.
Real soon Mel.
Annabel – 4th March 2009