A/N: The season finale was better than I expected, but not quite what I wanted. ;( Spoilers for season three last ep, obviously.
There It Is
He has so many things to say but she never starts the conversation.
When Gillian pats his leg at the end of their last case, that case with Claire, her fingers still on the curve of his knee and he can hardly draw another breath. Later it is so easy to confess to Emily – God yes I love her like that, Cal thinks later on, drawing his hands over his face, trying not to dwell on the words he cut her with or the space that yawns between them like the hungry mouth of a lion. Gentle, he's gentle with her now, shy touches and putting his arms around her when she's covered in blood and grief. He wants to touch her neck beneath her hair but Gillian is so far away, and really, can he blame her for the distance?
A month later they finish a routine case – adultery and money and pride all coiled up like a Chimera, then defeated in the dark walls of the Cube. That night Gillian ghosts by his office on her way out and Cal follows. There is no one in the office but the two of them; he curls his fingers around her elbow and looks and looks and looks.
"I love you. Gill." It quivers out of him, low and rough but fragile – he has never been this frank, but she has never been this far away, and…there it is.
Cal lets go of Gillian's elbow; his hand flits to her arm, then her hip, and then falls back inside his jean pocket. He tries to move away – really, vulnerability makes him feel like his skin is peeling off, one layer at a time – but Gillian shadows him and she is looking, her eyes moving up and down his face.
"Yeah," Cal says, his mouth smiling, frowning, smirking. He can't keep still under her gaze, and this is the most honest he's ever been. Ever, ever.
"Really," Gillian murmurs. Her hand moves up between them and rests on his collarbone. He stills under it, calmed by the heat that seeps from her palm into his skin through the fabric of his shirt. He recognizes amusement, frustration, and relief as they coast over Gillian's face, finally curling up behind her eyes. The relief puzzles him more than anything.
"Really really, love," Cal says. He sidles closer, pressing his forehead against hers. "Emily dragged it out of me, I s'pose. Loved you a long time, though."
Gillian's eyes narrow but she does not pull away. "Cal. Do you realize what you're saying? Earlier this year you told me that if I messed with the finances again, we'd be through. And now…you love me?"
Cal closed his eyes. "I know what I'm saying" he mutters. "And…the money stuff – Gill, I love you and I didn't know what to do with that and then I fucked it all up and you kept going away, Gill, and it was because of me. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry for all of that. I just…can't keep carrying this, yeah? And here I am saddling you with – sorry, sorry."
He turns away from her, fleeing like he does when everything creeps up too close. Gillian sidestepped in front of him.
"Cal, Cal, wait."
He looks at Gillian and his hands move up to her ribs, down to her hips. "You're so warm," Cal says and smiles. Gillian kisses him. Him! Her head tilts and she presses her mouth against his. Cal's mouth opens and he skates the tip of his tongue against her bottom lip until Gillian growls and opens her mouth to his.
"Does this mean…you find me sexy?" Cal hums between kisses, nipping her bottom lip as they part to draw breath.
She squints at him, fidgets at his collar. "Don't you already know?"
"Deflection," he murmurs and kisses her again. And again, and again, down the curve of her jaw and neck, on her chin, her nose, her cheekbone until Gillian laughs and shoves at him.
"Sorry. But, I've been waiting a while for this."
She smiles at him and now she is so close Cal shudders and pulls her closer, hip to hip, and buries his face into her neck.
"You know I love you too," Gillian says. "You know, you know. You just never brought it up."
'til now. Cal thinks.