The most mortifying thing you could ever admit to was being a virgin your freshman year of college.
Santana had teased her endlessly, but she didn't seem to understand - she'd tried putting herself out there, tried giving herself to Finn, and he'd turned her down, rejected her and she'd never quite been able to get over the humiliation of having her own boyfriend say 'no'. Perhaps it was stupid and naive and Rachel could admit that she'd been going into the situation for the wrong reasons, but when Finn had decided his reasonings were right enough to ignore Rachel's reasons - she hadn't wanted to.
It hadn't seemed like too much of a problem, just a minor inconvenience that occasionally caused her bouts of shame whenever anyone else started talking about just how experienced they were while Rachel could offer none of her own stories.
Until Brody came along.
He was an upperclassman at NYADA, gorgeous and talented and everything that made a student at the exclusive school tick; ambitious and driven and at times a little unstable and for some crazy reason, he wanted Rachel. It had taken her by surprise, how he had told her he'd wait til she moved on from Finn while still making it clear that as friendly as they could be, he wanted her on levels she didn't quite understand.
He thought she was sexy, a word she'd never once used to describe herself with, he laughed at her stories and when she talked, he listened. His eyes didn't glaze over in ways that she knew he was thinking about football or video games or some other girls legs, he was listening to what she was saying, whether it was complaining about Ms. July's class once more or about the time she'd broken her nose, he gave her his full attention at all times. It was intimidating, almost, especially when she thought about how innocent she was compared to him.
Still, he hooked her quicker than she had anticipated, her make over worming it's way from the inside out until she found the confidence within her to ask him over, to try and cook for him - something she'd never been particularly good at, though she was hoping the New Rachel may be better (she wasn't) - and it was her, ultimately, who made the first move, pulling him towards her for a kiss that escalated quicker than she could have imagined.
"I can't," she panicked, his hand immediately stopping on her upper thigh as they pulled themselves back up into a seated position. His eyes were dark, his tongue wetting his lips but he gave her the space she needed to breathe, pink crawling up her neck and over her cheeks for an entirely different reason. "I've never..."
"Never what, Rachel?" he asked quietly, giving her - as always - the room she needed to get her words together, to let him know what it was she wanted since she knew so plainly what it was he desired.
"Done this. That. Sex."
She couldn't bear to look at him, hiding her face in her arms as she pressed her forehead against them, knees pulled into her chest and after a minute she could hear him chuckle quietly, fingers sweeping away the hair from the back of her neck before kissing her shoulder lightly, gaining her attention.
"I'm fine with waiting, Rachel," he promised, and she could see that he meant it - that if she wasn't ready for it just yet, he would keep her boundaries and let her decide when she was ready for more.
With Finn, things had moved at a glacial pace. They'd been young, hadn't known what they were doing; there was manipulation and lies and too much hurt between the two of them to create a space where Rachel could feel truly comfortable and safe with the idea of trusting him with her body and all she could do with it. Brody had let her trust him from the start of their relationship, laying everything on the table and never shying away from the truth, even if it potentially hurt.
He made her feel like an adult, like the woman Rachel wanted to be. He danced with her when there was no music, he brought her tea when she was bogged down with studying, he helped run through dances with her for her classes. It was the perfect college relationship Rachel had been dreaming about since she was a little girl, the perfect blend of romance and spontaneity mixed with sincerity and whispers of affection that she'd always wanted.
And she'd finally learned to stand up for herself, to tell him when she was upset, tell him when he'd messed up; she'd yelled when he was almost an hour late, and when she'd given into his charms it wasn't because he was offering her scraps of love, he was giving her everything she thought she deserved to hear. His eyes shone with an adoration Rachel had never felt in her direction, and it made her heart swell and her mind fuzzy as she tried to sort out her own emotions.
She was very nearly in love with him by the time Valentine's rolled around, of that she was sure. But she wasn't 100%, despite how patient and kind he'd been about their physical affair. It was Finn - always Finn - holding her back from fully committing herself to Brody, and while she almost fell into the hole that was the vicious cycle of their relationship, she flew back from Mr. Schuester's non-wedding to Brody, finding the apartment strung up in fairy lights and crepe hearts everywhere, flowers on the coffee table and Brody in the kitchen waiting for her with a glass of champagne.
"This is incredible," she gasped, dropping her bag on the floor near the door even as he swept her up in a hug, kissing her lightly before she giggled and pulled back. "How long did this take you?"
"Most of the two days you were gone," he shrugged, his eyes focused solely on her even as she picked up the small cupids on the wall, of a card and a present wrapped next to the flowers on the coffee table, but she didn't care much about that at the moment. For the first time in her life, gifts and extravagance could warrant going unnoticed. "It was worth it, to see you smile like that."
"It's amazing," she whispered, pulling him down for a soft kiss, his mouth falling open to accept hers while his hand stayed steady on the small of her back, always waiting for her okay, her acceptance, her move.
"You're amazing," he breathed when they pulled back to breathe, and she giggled a little at that, his own lips turned into a small smirk; he could be cheesy and he didn't seem to care when she laughed at it, and she felt her heart explode into a thousand tiny pieces of sheer happiness when he kissed her again. It was love, though perhaps different from what she shared with Finn. He would always come first but Brody...
"I'm ready," she murmured, his eyes lighting up even as he asked her if she was sure. She nodded, her lip between her teeth before he ducked down low enough to sweep her off her feet, quite literally, one arm under her knees and the other cradling her back as he carried her bridal style towards her side of the apartment, placing her softly on the bed and climbing on top of her, kissing her once more until she was sure she would lose all her senses inside of him.
They'd taken the time to explore one another, flashes of skin and mouths in new places, falling apart with one another time and time and time again. But she'd always pulled back before it got to be too much, before she gave herself to him completely; tonight would be different. It would be slow, languid, each touch across her skin burning until it felt like she was on fire and the only thing that could put her out was his lips caressing the curves of her breasts, her hips, her thighs.
It was perfect, for her, for them, for what they'd built themselves up to be. And she was grateful that she'd waited for him, that she'd waited for the moment to come when she couldn't hold back, that he was the first one she gave herself to like this.
"I love you," she told him as they lay on her comforter, legs tangled together and his fingers running through her mussed hair. She propped her chin on his chest, smiling up at him as he traced the curve of her lip with his thumb, her teeth nipping at it lightly before he chuckled and sat up to kiss her, all of her own emotions swirling back from him to her.
"I love you too."