Author's Note: Hi, hello, and whaddup bitches. You may remember me from my fanfiction titled 'The Wacky Adventures of Toaster and Co.', a story that I abandoned over two years ago because I had no desire to continue/finish it, and it was really kind of stupid in retrospect. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful that so many people liked it and reviewed, but to me I think it's kind of a lame story now. Granted, I first thought of the whole thing when I was thirteen. I've yet to find a thirteen year-old capable of writing a non-sucky fanfic. Moving on!
This little ditty you're about to read is a satire/parody/mockery/whatever of the archetypal plot that is rampant in this section. It goes something like this, usually: Girl moves to Springwood, lives on Elm St., goes to high school, meets Freddy, and somehow avoids being slaughtered, and then never does get slaughtered because she either A) Befriends him somehow B) Screws him C) Becomes his super-speshul apprentice/partner/buck fuddy because she's JUST LIKE HIM. This girl also sometimes has a bunch of other overdone melodramatic problems.
So, read this if you want. If you like it, that's great! If you don't like it, that's okay too. If you're going to get all whiny and offended because you think I'm personally attacking your precious OFC, go to your Livejournal and complain.
Toaster out!
Cliched Title Goes Here
By Space Toaster
Chapter One: The Mopening
Ravenetta Alice Friday Night Bella Swan Wundamenshun sighed in frustration as she sat slumped in the backseat of her parents' car. Those selfish assholes decided on a whim to uproot the family and move to Springwood, Ohio. The nerve! It was bad enough she had to be separated from her jerkass boyfriend and equally vapid friends, but to live in OHIO? There was no justice in the world!
Her parents pulled into a rest stop, so Ravenetta took out her compact and reapplied her dark red Gothic lipstick. She had long, shiny black hair. It fell down to her butt, even though it was very impractical and gave her headaches. Her eyes were a clear, deep and broodingly sexy shade of blue, surrounded by a thick layer of kohl and mascara that gave her a lovely panda bear look. [Insert here long, ridiculous description of every little thing she was wearing right down to the kind of lace on her corset]
"I got you one of those fruit pies you like so much, dear." Ravenetta's nameless mother smiled as she got back in the car.
"Goddamnit Mom, why do you have to talk to me? I hate you!" She snapped, shutting her compact and slouching further in her seat.
"That's nice, honey." Mom replied, tossing the Hostess snack to her daughter in the backseat.
They arrived at their new house a few hours later, on 1428 Elm St. They got the house for a good price, not even bothering to find out why it was so cheap. It never occurred to any of them that the house might be condemned or previously belonged to a girl who was. stalked by a child murderer in her dream. What did you expect, they're from New Jersey.
It wasn't shortly after they moved in that Ravenetta's mom had a brain aneurysm and dropped dead, only for her corpse to get run over by a truck and then nibbled upon by carnivorous deer. Suddenly Ravenetta felt an overwhelming sadness for the kindly and sweet woman that she had previously treated like shit. Ravenetta's dad didn't take the death so well either. In fact he completely changed character after the funeral.
"Well, in my grief I better hit the bottle, its child beating time!" He proclaimed as he proceeded to bitch-smack Ravenetta viciously.
"OW! OW! Oh why is my life so TWAGIC? OW!" Ravenetta wailed as her father slapped her and smeared her make-up. "Nobody understands me!"
"You Hot Topic fag! You got black eyeliner all over my slapping hand! Go to your room and hit yourself!" Dad thundered before going to get sloppy drunk and watch Spike TV.
"I hate this house!" Ravenetta wailed as she ran upstairs, narrowly avoiding breaking her ankle in her platform boot and ripping her cheap-ass fishnets. "My life sucks! And tomorrow I'm going to high school where nobody will understand me and all the boys will want to get in my pants! And all of the jocks will be mean and the nerds will be nice and the cheerleaders will be haughty bitches….just like they are in REAL high schools!"
And so she boohooed long into the night until she fell asleep. Strangely enough, she dreamed that she was walking around a boiler room. It was very hot and she sweated all of her make-up right off. [Insert another boring description of her impractical but sexy pajamas] So she started off down the rusty staircase. Thankfully she was conveniently given ESP so she knew there was a guy in a sweater standing right behind her.
BUT OH SHIT THERE'S A CLIFFHANGER RIGHT HERE I'M SUCH A CLEVER AUTHOR, LOLOLOLOLZZZ!apple!111!11!