Kevin sits at his desk, starring at Angela with the utmost concentration. After a few minutes of this, Angela finally takes notice.
ANGELA: (sarcastically) You are amazing, Kevin. How do you manage to get so much work done? You are a leader and a role model to everyone in this office.
KEVIN: (thinks for a second) Wait...you really mean that?
Angela rolls her eyes and continues working.
KEVIN: (whispering to Oscar) Have you ever noticed...that Angela...doesn't wear a cross?
Oscar stares blankly at Kevin for a few seconds, then continues working.
KEVIN: No, seriously. You would think that...someone who is...as religious as her...would wear one all the time.
OSCAR: (whispering) Is this really what you spend your time doing? Thinking about stuff like this?
KEVIN: Well, no. I mean...sometimes. But really, I think...that Angela isn't who we think she is.
Again, Oscar simply stares at Kevin, shakes his head, then continues working.
Later, Kevin, Angela, and Toby are in the break room for lunch. Angela simply grabs a sandwich from the fridge and walks out, while Kevin and Toby sit at the table eating microwaved noodles.
KEVIN: Why doesn't Angela ever drink anything?
TOBY: Guess she's never that thirsty.
KEVIN: Toby...I need you to answer something...seriously.
TOBY: Sure.
KEVIN: Do you think Angela...is some sort of...demon...witch?
Toby stares at Kevin and is speechless for a second.
TOBY: No...I...why would you think that?
KEVIN: (slurps up some noodles) Think about it! She's always super mean, always angry, she's...pale...and she's supposed to be like...ultra religious or something.
TOBY: I think you've been watching too much TV.
KEVIN: (slurps more noodles) Hey...I watch the perfect amount of TV...thank you very much. But really (slurp). She doesn't drink anything when she eats...that's weird. And why doesn't she wear a cross...if she's so religious?
TOBY: You don't have to wear a cross to be religious. Besides, maybe it's under her shirt? I think you're over-analyzing her.
KEVIN: Is that supposed to mean I'm into her? Because that is...false.
TOBY: No, no, I just think that you have a lack of interest in your work, so you try to focus on other things to take up your time...such as trying to prove that Angela is a...witch.
KEVIN: Well...you don't have to sit next to her all day...every day.
TOBY: Try to get into you work. Once you get going you'll get your mind off of Angela.
Toby gets up, throws out the cup of noodles and walks away. As Kevin begins his second cup, Creed walks in from the other room.
CREED: Don't listen to him my friend, you are absolutely right. That Angela bitch is bad news.
KEVIN: Wait...how did you hear-
CREED: I've got good ears...ever since that surgery twenty years ago.
KEVIN: …
CREED: Never mind that. Listen, I saw Angela chanting something in the lady's bathroom the other day. She was definitely not speaking English.
KEVIN: Why were you in the lady's room?
CREED: (ignoring his question) I got out as fast as I could, but I think she saw me. I'm telling you, something's up with her. Also...you know how she loves cats?
KEVIN: Yea
CREED: Witch's are always accompanied by cats. It's a Halloween motif for God's sake.
KEVIN: Oh yea...you're right. (gasps) Oh...my...GOD...Angela is totally a witch.
CREED: Who's Angela?
KEVIN: …
Cut to the front desk, where Jim is discussing a prank against Dwight with Pam.
JIM: (whispering) So, I downloaded this alarm clock program and set it up on Dwight's computer while he was on his break, so that at 3:00, his entire screen will turn black with a countdown from 5 minutes.
PAM: That's amazing
JIM: The best part is, I also sent him an e-mail with a fake, yet important looking address, telling him that his computer will turn into a ticking time bomb at 3 o'clock sharp.
PAM: (laughs quietly) Who would believe that?
JIM: If anyone will, he will. If we're lucky he'll throw his monitor out Michael's window.
Jim sits back down at his desk, and Dwight stares at him.
DWIGHT: You know if you would spend as much time working as you do talking to that...imbecile at the front desk, you might get my respect...idiot.
JIM: Oh really?
DWIGHT: As of now, if I we're king...you wouldn't even a peasant to me.
JIM: So..if I'm not a peasant, what am I?
DWIGHT: A...duck.
JIM: A duck...
DWIGHT: That's right. You are useless, and frankly, you are rather annoying. If you lived on my farm, you would be dead and eaten.
JIM: If I lived on your farm, wouldn't I be alive?
DWIGHT: Why do you have to-
Kevin walks over and interrupts.
KEVIN: Dwight...you've banged Angela before...is she a witch?
Jim and Pam stare at Kevin with great concern.
DWIGHT: I will say nothing about Angela, as that woman has been blocked from my memory.
KEVIN: Oh come on. If anyone would know...you would.
DWIGHT: I stand by my statement. Good day sir.
Kevin gives up and walks away.
JIM: Did that question... not bother you?
DWIGHT: That woman has broken my heart. Any discussion involving her means nothing to me now.
Dwight reads the e-mail sent by Jim.
DWIGHT: What is this...
Minutes later, his screen turns black, and large red numbers begin to countdown.
DWIGHT: Oh...my...EVERYBODY REMAIN CALM!
Dwight rips his monitor off of his desk and runs towards the door. Jim and Pam give each other an air high-five.
Later, Kevin approaches Andy.
KEVIN: Andy, you dated Angela for a while.
ANDY: Listen, the Nard-Dog doesn't date. He simply shuffles through women until he finds one fit for his greatness.
KEVIN: Yea whatever. Is she a witch? Seriously I need to know...is she some sort of demon or witch?
ANDY: I wouldn't doubt it. After how she lied to me about having sex with Dwight. Stabbing me in the back with a...black...bloody...twisted knife of hate...and...and...
He slowly breaks down as he is about to cry. Kevin stares at him and starts to back away.
KEVIN: Okay...thanks.
Toby overhears the conversation as he is walking by.
TOBY: Oh no, Kevin. Are you really still worked up about this?
KEVIN: YES. I'm telling you...something isn't right.
TOBY: Maybe you and I should sit down for a while and talk this over. When are you free?
Michael comes out of his office.
MICHAEL: Okay, who let Toby into our side of the office?
TOBY: Michael, I-
MICHAEL: You know what, Toby...just stop..being who you are. Seriously, we're trying to run an office here...not a...a stupid...person convention (laughs).
TOBY: One of your employees really needs to talk to me and-
MICHAEL: YABABABABA what? Oh, what was that Toby? I thought I heard you telling me how to run the office (laughs). Okay everyone! We have a little over an hour left, so we need to run over some basics in the conference room ASAP. So let's GET ER DONE (laughs)..... Larry the Cable Guy.
Minutes later, Michael is going over basic leadership skills in the conference room, as Toby whispers to Kevin.
TOBY: (whispering) So really, when can we talk? You obviously aren't getting any work done.
KEVIN: (whispering) I'll show you. I'm going to prove it tomorrow.
TOBY: Look...don't do anything stupid...but whatever you do, will you feel better once you find out she's not a witch when it doesn't work?
They stop talking for a minute to avoid being caught by Michael.
KEVIN: Oh it will. I'm going to bring...a water pistol to work tomorrow. She's totally gonna melt, and I'll be like...yeaaa.
TOBY: You know that's just a movie thing right? That...doesn't actually happen.
KEVIN: Then why doesn't she drink anything?
TOBY: (speechless) Whatever makes you happy.
MICHAEL: HEY. HEY. Okay everyone...um...Toby would like to stand up and share something with the office.
TOBY: …
MICHAEL: You obviously have something more important to talk about, so what is it? Huh? God, Toby. Just...just leave.
TOBY: Michael-
MICHAEL: Dwight! Escort this distraction out please.
DWIGHT: Yes sir!
Toby sighs and leaves without any struggle.
The following day, Kevin walks into work late...
ANGELA: (sarcastically....again) Oh good! You're here. I'm so glad you are able to take time off of your busy schedule of eating and watching television so that you can come and do your job.
KEVIN: Can it, Angela! I know who...what you are.
ANGELA: Excuse me? I am a hard worker, and a better person than you will ever hope to be.
Kevin glares at her angrily. Oscar looks up.
OSCAR: Let's...keep it down please?
ANGELA: I'm sorry, is sensitive hearing a side effect of having gay sex?
OSCAR: You are so homophobic! Why can't you get over the fact that I am gay? Huh?
Kevin leans over to Oscar.
KEVIN: (whispering) Do you believe me yet?
OSCAR: I think she's a bitch, not a witch.
ANGELA: What? Are we in sixth grade now?
Angela let's out a snobby "Humph!" and get's up to make some copies.
OSCAR: She should talk. She's the one making gay jokes.
Kevin sees his opportunity and get's up, holding a water pistol at his side.
Cut to Angela at the copier, as Kevin sneaks up behind her.
KEVIN: Take that you evil...witch!
He sprays Angela repeatedly with the water pistol.
ANGELA: AHOW! What the hell are you doing you idiot?!
PAM: (watching) Kevin!
Everyone in the room looks at the scene.
PAM: Why did you do that?!
Angela stands infuriated, and wet.
JIM: What...the #&$ is going on?
ANGELA: Nothing...nothing is going on.
Toby sees the commotion and walks in.
TOBY: Oh boy. Okay everyone, nothing to see here. Are you satisfied, Kevin?
Kevin looks back and forth around the room.
KEVIN: Angela...is a witch! She's just...I guess she's just not allergic to water.
Everyone remains speechless, as Toby give's an "I told you so" look. Angela, on the other hand, is visibly nervous.
ANGELA: Kevin you are such...you are so...I..uh...
A gasp can be heard from Meredith, as she spots some slime running down Angela's arm.
MEREDITH: Angela, what the hell is that?
Angela tries to cover up her arm, but soon more slime begins to appear. Everyone stares in amazement, some covering their mouths in disgust.
ANGELA: It's...it's nothing...just get back to work!
As her body begins to liquefy exponentially, she cannot hide it any longer.
ANGELA: Errrr...Kevin you stupid idiot! How can this happen to me?
She then screams the inevitable.
ANGELA: I'm melting! I'M MELTING!
Slowly, her body loses form. Everyone in the room quickly get's up and gathers around her, still in a state of amazement. They watch as she shrinks, turning into a pale liquid puddle right before their eyes.
ANGELA: How could that big, fat idiot know how to destroy me?
Her voice trails off into nothingness. Soon, all that is left of her is a pile of clothes laying in a bubbling puddle of slimy goop on the carpet.
Everyone is silent, and Michael comes walking out of his office.
MICHAEL: Hey now. Why is everyone all gathered around? Is Pam finally showin' those boobs? (laughs hysterically)
Pam pokes her head up from the crowd and gives Michael an angry glare.
MICHAEL: Ermmokay. Seriously what's up 'yall give me the low-down (chuckles).
Michael walks over and sees Angela's remains on the floor.
MICHAEL: WOAH, what happened here?
He recognizes Angela's clothing.
MICHAEL: Oh my God! Angela's clothes! She must be walking around naked! I knew she was kinky! (chuckles) Where is she??
Everyone stares at Michael awkwardly.
PAM: Angela...melted.
MICHAEL: What?
OSCAR: She's right...that's Angela right there. We just saw her...melt.
KEVIN: I told all of you! I told...I...YES
Michael walks over and crouches down next to the mess, inspecting it.
MICHAEL: Well...uh...wuddya know! (laughs nervously) One of my employees melt- what...is...this?!
He reaches into the pile of slime-soaked clothes, and pulls out some very skimpy lingerie.
MICHAEL: Oh...my...Gosh. She was kinky!
Everyone is shocked, except for Stanley, who is not happy about wasting his time.
STANLEY: Goooodbye everyone.
Stanley leaves, and everyone else continues to stare at Angela's remains. Eventually, they all come to the realization that Angela is gone for good, and break out into smiles and cheers.
OSCAR: No more homophobic remarks!
PAM: No more snotty jokes about my relationships!
MEREDITH: No more alcohol-free parties!
TOBY: No more complaints about...everyone in the office at once!
KELLY: No more ugly clothes!
CREED: No more taxes!
Everyone looks at Creed.
ANDY: No more lying...cheating...stupid...dark...evil...dumb...
Andy goes on, and eventually starts crying again, but soon everyone let's out a big cheer.
MICHAEL: Well this certainly turned out to be a good day. You are all very welcome.
KEVIN: But I was the one that though she was a witch, and I melted her...remember?
MICHAEL: (stares at Kevin) Yea...what's your name again? Big...fat...likes to eat food...likes to eat Krispy Kreme donuts...Krispy Kreme starts with K...Kevin! Sure Kevin, good job.
KEVIN: Thanks?
MICHAEL: Toby! Get over here. We need this mess cleaned up ASAP. It's carpet so use a...rake or a Mr. Clean eraser or something.
TOBY: Michael, this is a very big mess and...
Toby doesn't even try, sighs, and walks away to find something to clean up with. Meanwhile, everyone finishes celebrating and begins to go home. As soon as the office is empty, Dwight quietly walks over to the remains.
DWIGHT: (bends down, lifts up the slime-soaked lingerie and smiles) Goodbye...monkey.
THE END
Epilogue
A replacement accountant was eventually found, and the office remained in good spirits in light of Angela's demise. The party planning committee fell under the management of Phyllis, who declared the day of Angela's death an office-wide holiday, calling it Office Independence Day.
Toby managed to clean up most of the mess, but there was still a large stain on the carpet where she melted. Michael would do the same Wicked Witch of the West impression every time he walked over it, and Andy would always take the time to stomp on it angrily. In the end, the stain remained there to remind everyone of the evil, small, bitchy woman that used to work in...The Office.