Disclaimer: There's must be something wrong with my poor seaweed brain if I dare myself to claim that Bungou Stray Dogs is mine, no matter how much I desire for it. It belongs to Asagiri Kafuka-sensei and Harukawa35-sensei. I'm just one hell crazy fans of Bungou Stray Dogs also a fujoshi who love to write some fanfics because I'm lacking of talent to be a professional writer or a novelist. English isn't my first language. To be honest, I learn English mostly from internet. Still learning.
Warning: Shounen-ai (If you don't like shounen-ai things, please back off), grammar errors, and some stupidities because I'm an amateur.
Summary: Woman is woman, man is man. Woman is beautiful, man is handsome. Kunikida Doppo used to think like that for years. But he couldn't think like that anymore. Or he can say that person made him couldn't think like that anymore.
He's Beautiful
Woman is woman, man is man.
Woman is beautiful, man is handsome.
Kunikida Doppo used to think like that for 22 years old life. But he couldn't think like that anymore. Or he can say that person made him couldn't think like that anymore.
That person is a man. That person is real man, definitely not a woman, or in between. He's a man, for God and heaven's sake!
But, why is he beautiful?
Why is 'that bandages wasting device, the man with a name Dazai Osamu' so beautiful?
Kunikida Doppo is a straight man. He lives a life with his ideals that written on his notebook. There's no Dazai Osamu is beautiful in any page of his notebook. That's definitely not ideal. Kunikida should never follow it.
His glasses must be lied to him or his sore eyes played a trick on him one week ago. They must be! They must be!
It was Friday. It was fucking Friday, Goddammit! That dammed bandages wasting device was slacking off on the couch like lazy cat like always. He slept.
Wow! What a great view!
Kunikida really wanted to kill his partner that time. He wanted to strangle and crack that neck. He also wanted to send that wasting bandages device to the underworld like he was yearning for years.
No, he can't.
Please, just called it his IDEAL.
Killed someone, his partner, no matter how annoying that man he was ...that's definitely NOT IDEAL. For REAL. He's NOT DENIAL.
But, his ideal couldn't stop Kunikida to play a prank. Left some funny mark with a marker on his partner face wasn't too much, right? Let's say that's just a very light punishment for a lazy 'kouhai' from a 'senpai'. It's totally Dazai's fault to be his nemesis of his ideal life.
Kunikida took a permanent marker on his table.
For God and heaven's sake, that time, Kunikida swore that he just wanted to play a simple prank on Dazai. It's nothing less, nothing more. But unfortunately, there's something caught his attention. He frozen.
Beautiful.
WHAT? NOOOOO!
He, that bandages wasting device aka Dazai Osamu, couldn't be beautiful! How could it be? Just because he had neat eyebrows above his double eyelids, long eyelashes which could create a shadow affect under his eyes, high pointed nose and ... and ... those kissable full cherry lips, ugh NO! ...NOT 'those kissable full cherry lips', but 'those lips'..., it didn't mean that he's beautiful!
He's a man! He's supposed to be handsome!
Ah, Kunikida means that Dazai, the bandages wasting device, was quite handsome, but definitely he shouldn't be beautiful. First of all, he's a man. That Dazai Osamu in front of his eyes was a man. He's a real man. Not a woman. Not a girly man or something like that. No matter how nice features he had behind that clothes and bandages. Why did Kunikida think too much about it?
But why was Dazai Osamu so beautiful?
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Why was Dazai Osamu so beautiful?
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Kunikida suddenly wanted to kiss Dazai. He wanted to taste those lips.
No! It's so wrong! Not his ideal!
Thump! Thump! Thump!
His heart couldn't beat normally. He felt like his heart was racing on Moto GP race. His heart might beat as fast as the Italian Valentino Rossi's motorbike races on Catalunya Circuit. Did he have some kind heart disease suddenly? And it affected his brain too? Why was anything so abnormal?
Kunikida just run away that time. Or he's the one who just thought like that because his future thought the opposite? Even his ideals couldn't save his dammed soul!
Since the damn freaking shit Friday, he has been avoiding Dazai to an extreme level. He even choosed not to yell out to Dazai like he always did. He couldn't speak like he always did. He dare not to look at Dazai when they are talking. He had no brave to see that face.
Kunikida took the route that probably Dazai won't take to office. He swore that he won't care about the lazybones on couch anymore, just let Dazai owns that dammed couch if he wanted it that bad. Being the slacking off cat all that he wanted, Kunikida won't care. He won't care. Never ever care.
But, that's clearly not enough!
In fact, he can't run away from Dazai. It's almost impossible to run away or keep away from Dazai, since they are actually partners. If people thought that Dazai is an angel sent from heaven (he saved the poor man-tiger Nakajima Atsushi), Kunikida will never believe it. Because for Kunikida Doppo, Dazai Osamu is such an evil sent from hell who haunts his ideal life. The worst nemesis of his ideal life!
Dazai haunts Kunikida's mind all the time, teases Kunikida with his 'beauty'. To add his desperation, Dazai's seat is in front of him. It's such a terror.
It's a big, super, extra, mega terror. It's more dangerous than have a nuclear boom terror. Or even it's more deadly than SARS (Severe Acute Respiration Syndrome) virus terror!
God! Why are you torturing me so?
Kunikida really wants to hide or teleport to somewhere or simply sinks to through the floor. That's because Dazai is flashing his sunny smile when Atsushi greets him. Dazzling blinding sunny smile combo attack!
Oh, my God!
Kunikida almost gets a heart attack for that! No, he almost gets a NUCLEAR heart attack!
Stop your smile already, I beg you! God, please save me! My ideals, please guide me to the right path! Evil Dazai Osamu, be gone you evil! I hate you!
If he can, he will scream it out on top of his lungs to Dazai. But sadly, he can't. His heart is thumping so fast. His heart beats like a crazy drum.
Thump! Thump! Thump!
It's enough!
BANGS!
Kunikida smacks his table. Be glad that his table isn't broken yet. Be glad that Ranpo-san is not here, he must have noticed Kunikida's strange behaviours recently. Everyone looks at him; Atsushi, Tanizaki siblings, Kenji, and the said devil Dazai Osamu. They give Kunikida weird look.
Damn!
"Are you fine, Kunikida-san?" It's Atsushi who's asking him if he's fine.
What? Does he look not fine enough? Is it written on his face that he's not fine? Can everyone see his suffering?
Can Dazai Osamu see it too?
Dammit! That's not good! He should keep his cool. He should pretend that he's fine. He slaps himself mentally. "I'm fine, " he barely to speak.
"But, Kunikida-san ...your face is red."
Of course, it's red! His heart is thumping so loudly and pumps his blood fast. Oh, Kunikida feels a bit dizzy now.
Ok, so maybe he's not too fine. A cold thin hand touches his forehead. The dopey smile of that devil plastered on those lips, saying "You got fever, Kunikida-kun."
That evil touched his forehead?
It burns!
Thump! Thump! Thump!
His heart thumps louder.
"INEEDTOGOTOINFIRMARY!" Kunikida yells out as he slaps Dazai's hand. His face as red as roasted crab!
He knows it well that everyone, including Dazai, looks at him with a weird look, since he screams so loudly. But, he doesn't care. He just wants to go out from this room as soon as possible. He couldn't take it anymore. His heart is beating crazily as if it's going to explode! He's sure that he's far from 'fine' state. He must be sick or have a serious disease or something like that!
DAMMIT!
Once he reaches the infirmary room, Kunikida tosses himself on the bed. He just needs a place to hide from Dazai Osamu's dazzling blinding sunny smile combo attack for his safety! Thanks God, Yosano-sensei isn't here. Or else, she will do her 'treatment' to cure him.
By 'treatment' means a barbaric way to cure her patients. She should make her patients half die or in other words almost make her patients knock the death's door in order to make her ability; Though Salt Not Die works on her patients. What a hard yet hurtful way to get health.
So Kunikida lays down there for a while, trying to close his eyes and he has a plan to take a sleep. But his mind is traveling to the past day aka to that fucking Friday and a certain bandages wasting device aka the suicide maniac aka Dazai Osamu. Dammit, that beautiful Dazai Osamu is haunting him down. Ugh!
"Kunikida-kun."
Kunikida hears a familiar voice that called his name. It's so soft that made Kunikida thinks like it's a voice of an angel. To tell the truth, Kunkida likes it. Especially, when that voice calls his name, it sounds so good.
"Ku-ni-ki-da-kun."
Sexy soft voice likes velvet in every syllable. Very much like Dazai's voice. Ah, even in this place Kunikida can't avoid Dazai. Dazai's voice sounds so real! Is the devil here just now?
'No! No Dazai here!' Kunikida tries to convince himself.
"Aiya, Kunikida-kun. Are you really sleeping?"
But why does it sound like Dazai's?
To Kunikida's horror, there's a thin hand touches his arm and he can smell something nice. Uh, Dazai's scent? He must be over imagined it again. Okay, he's not under influence of drugs or alcohol, so maybe it's just a dream. Dazai is only a part of his dream. A nightmare! So, once he opens his eyes, Dazai will disappear like a thin air.
ONE. TWO. THREE.
Kunikida opens his eyes. There's a big hope in his mess up heart that it's only nightmare.
"Kunikida-kun?"
Dazai Osamu the nemesis of his ideal life is here.
Oh, my God, my eyes ... It's already a sin!
"Kunikida-kun. Are you fine?" The said devil is here, appeared from somewhere with a dazzling blinding sunny smile and asks Kunikida if he's fine. Kunikida wants to think that his eyes played a trick again. But, they didn't. It's a real! "Are you really Dazai Osamu?"
"Of course, I am. Who other do you think?"
So, the evil said that he's the Dazai Osamu. Damn!
"No..."
"What?"
"Dazai Osamu! You're not supposed to be here!"
"I'm supposed to be here since I'm your partner. Are you really 'FINE'?" Dazai gives pressure to the latest words. Should he tell Dazai that he's indeed NOT FINE? Because of him?!
"Dazai ...aaarrghh!" Kunikida head butts the evil in front of him because he wakes up suddenly and the said evil is too close to him, that Dazai Osamu of course.
"Ow, ow, ow, it's hurt~" Dazai holds his forehead while yelps a soft plea.
"So-sorry ...I didn't mean to hurt you ...I just ...you ...you ...," Kunikida stutters. He just can't think the right thing to say anymore. His mind goes blank.
"Tsk, Kunikida-kun ... You're a violent senpai." Dazai is sulking. He pursues his bottom lips. He looks cute.
Eh? Oh, stop you! Stop for being cute!
Kunikida smacked himself mentally.
"What are you doing here anyway?"
"I just want to check my partner up. You acted strangely."
He notices it! Great! The bandages wasting device isn't too stupid after all.
"No, I didn't. I just ...avoid ...," Kunikida wants to say 'you', but he holds the urge to say it. Kunikida doesn't want to hurt Dazai's feeling.
No! Kunikida erases quickly his last thought. It's not a big deal for if Dazai's feeling got hurt or anything. He doesn't care about it. Why should he care? He shouldn't care about him, about it. But, he just doesn't want to make Dazai sad. Ah! Whatttttt?! The truth is indeed he avoided Dazai for certain reason; the unspeakable reason.
Screw you, Kunikida Doppo!
Since when have you become such a weak heart person? Baka! Baka! BAKAYAROU!
"Me?" Dazai asks.
Kunikida goes pale. Dazai got him! Na na na na~
"The one who you tried to avoid was me. Am I right?"
Kunikida is so speechless.
"Do you hate me that much, Kunikida-kun?"
That question knocks Kunikida's head out. For a certain reason, he indeed hates Dazai, but not in a level that can make him really need to avoid Dazai for that reason. Ok, indeed he avoided Dazai for a whole week. Yes, he did. But, it's because of 'something' strange that made weird things happened to him.
His mind is spinning until he sends a glance at Dazai. Kunikida catches something on Dazai's face. A sad expression on his face that made him looks so vulnerable. Like a thin glass that can break into million pieces in a single light knock. Kunikida didn't use to see it at all. The Dazai that he used to be is a confident (over confident!), a narcissistic jerk, iron mental state with zero motivation, the manipulative jerk bandages wasting device, disaster, never put a 'sobbing sad' face, etc. On the first place, Dazai Osamu the nemesis of his ideal life is a clown all the time. Even he can joke around about his attempt suicide!
Kunikida doesn't even know why Dazai's sad expression breaks his heart. "Why should you think like that, huh?"
"I just think so."
No! He looks sadder!
Na na na na~
"Errr ... it's not like that."
"But ..."
"I'm just not feeling fine for a while. Just you wait till I get better and I'll kick your butt like our normal days! Believe me!"
"Really?"
"Yes!"
And Dazai's sad expression disappear, Kunikida is so glad for that.
WHAT?!
Glad? WHAT THE HELL?! There's no way he should feel so glad for that. Dazai is his nemesis of his ideal lifeeeeeeeee! But it seems like some part of his heart betrays him.
"By the way, are you feeling better now? You dashed out the room like a tornado before. Was your sickness that bad?"
Kunikida's mind clicks in word 'bad'.
Bad? No, that is soooooooo bad!
My heart is going to explode.
But since he can't say it out loud, he says "Maybe I have a heart problem ..."
"What did you say? Heart ...problem?"
"No! I'm just...feeling so wrong...Ah! Dazai, it's not your business, anyway. Don't act like you care about me."
"I care..."
"You ... care?" Kunikida feels like butterflies flies in his stomach. There's a little bit happiness, wraps his heart.
"I do."
Kunikida becomes happier.
"It's so boring day without a violent senpai."
"What?"
Dazai nods solemnly. Does it mean that Dazai likes it a lot when Kunikida is around him? Kunikida's heart just can't accept it even though it sends some joys to his heart.
'Hey! You shouldn't be happy or joy for that!' Kunikida scolds himself for his mess up brain.
"Blame it on your ..."
… Beauty!
"What?"
Kunikida's brain alerts a SOS signal suddenly.
Call 911, please!
Kunikida starts to realize about something. To be this close with Dazai and he can see Dazai's face up close, all he can think is ...the said devil is so beautiful.
WHAT?
He's not beautiful! A man isn't supposed to be beautiful!
With that thought, Kunikida slaps himself mentally. His heart starts to race up again.
Thump! Thump! Thump!
Oh, my dear God! My heart!
"Excuse me!" Kunikida jumps off from his bed and dashes out to the door. He leaves Dazai who still sits down on his chair and plastered a big question mark on his face. Kunikida runs away to the rest room and locks himself in cubicle toilet.
Shitfuckshitfuckshitfuck!
Kunikida runs that curses words like a chant while grabs some of his hair.
Dazai Osamu, you're devil!
Kunikida holds the urge to scream that name, he doesn't want the said evil knows that he's here in the cubicle run away from that evil. His heart still beats like a crazy machine that loses control. Something must be possessed it. Yeah, that Dazai Osamu possesses his heart!
"Dazai Osamu, what kind of spell did you put on me?"
Blame it on Dazai Osamu!
BLAME IT ON HIM!
Kunikida faceplams to contain his fail. Why is so hard to erase that Dazai from his fucked up brain? It's only one hell of Dazai Osamu, why is it so hard? Damn it! But, Kunikida knows it well. Maybe he's in love with Dazai, his partner. That DEVIL! No! That's not ideal! He can't be ...he can't be in love ...But he loves ... His heart says so.
"I ... I ... I ... love ..."
What to do? What to do? Where's his ideal when he needs it the most? He needs the guidance for his problem.
'Do things you should do.'
He bangs his head to the nearest wall. Hard enough so that he can see sparkling stars in his sight. They twinkle.
CLANK
Kunikida grabs his cell phone. Email.
'To : Bandages Wasting Device
From : Kunikida Doppo
Meet me at Yokohama Port alone before the sun set. Don't you dare not to come. I'll crack your neck.'
SEND.
I ... I ... love ...
.
.
So Kunikida just stands there. Alone. It's so long time, for no one knows until when. The sun is going to set on the west sea. The bandages wasting device still not come yet. Maybe he forgets the email that Kunikida sent. Maybe he does't want to come. Maybe he's still slacking off, sleeping on his favourite couch in office like always. Maybe he goes hit pretty girl for his stupid double suicide. Maybe by now he stands at the river bank to plot some suicide methods that can get himself killed.
It's Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Kunikida kicks flying a stone.
"How long should I wait for you? Aaaaaarrrrrggghhhh! Dazai Osamu, you idiot bandages wasting device!"
THUD!
Someone throws a stone on Kunikida.
"Auuugghh! Who's ...?" Kunikida turns around.
Dazai Osamu is over there. He must be the culprit who threw that stone.
"What a pleasant nick name. Did you ask me to come here so you can yell that nick name on me?"
Kunikida doesn't need to answer that question.
"Why are you so late?" Kunikida snaps.
"Fell asleep. Sorry."
It's only happening once in century for the Crowned Prince of Selfishness to say his sorry. Somehow ...his words sound so sincere, like he really meant it.
"... It's okay."
It's turning silence for a while, until Dazai speaks first.
"So?"
"What?"
"Why are you asking me go to here?"
"It's..."
"What?"
"I ...I ...Because I want to say ... I … I …"
"I?" Dazai raised his neat eyebrows.
Damn! Why is it so hard? Come on, it's just three words. Kunikida tries hard to convince his mouth and tongue to say the three words.
I. LOVE. Y...Y... Y...
Why does his tongue become so numb?
"I ..I...I ... lo...I..."
Oh...three words!
I. LOVE. YOU.
"What are you saying? I can't hear you clearly."
"Iloveyou ..." Kunikida Doppo does it. He says it.
"What are you saying?" Dazai tilts his head.
"I...I...I LOVE YOU, DAZAI OSAMU! YOU GOT IT?!" Kunikida screams out on top of his lungs.
Nah, just lets all the mackerels all over the sea hear it ...they won't judge anyway. If they do, Kunikida swears to God through his ideal that he will kick all those mackerels to the death door! Let's go wild with those mackerels!
"Huh?!"
"Do-do you hear me, Dazai?"
"You said ...that you love me?"
"Yes. I-I-I love you, Dazai." Kunikida says it again. Wait for a response. But, he gets nothing. Then, is it a NO? Is it a rejection? "Sorry," Kunikida sighs. He feels like the most stupid man in this world. His heart feels so hurt.
Dazai Osamu. He says no word. He just turns back and takes a step away. One more step. Kunikida freezes in his spot. Well, he should know that his love will never bear a fruit.
"Give up already, huh?" Suddenly, Dazai speaks some words.
Huh?! Kunikida stares at Dazai's slim back.
"Che. Kunikida-kun, do you really love me?
Ehhh?!
"... yes?"
"Then ...Why don't you run for me?"
Huuuhhh?! What is he getting at?
"What?"
"Baka (stupid) Kunikida-kun."
Does the seaweed brain bandages wasting device call him with a word 'stupid'? For what?
"Why do you call me baka?" Kunikida blinks. He just didn't get it.
Dazai's reddish brown eyes look angry. He runs to Kunikida. And ...Dazai grabs Kunikida's arm. "Why don't you run for me? Stop me and grab me like this. Don't you love me? Say it once more. Whisper it through my ears, 'I love you'. It would be so romantic."
Thump.
Thump.
Kunikida's heart is beating faster. Like crazy drum.
"It took a long time to make you feel the same like I felt for you, Kunikida-kun. You don't even know that I loved you first."
Dazai Osamu loved him first? Since when?
As if he can hear Kunikida's thought, Dazai answers him. "From the very first time we meet. But ..."
But what?
"But I thought that my love will never bear a fruit. You seem to hate me. You know ...If someone acts like he hates other, there are only two possibilities. One, he really hates that someone. Two, he loves that someone, but in denial. For an idealist man like you ...the second possibility is such a non-sense. So ...I felt like my love is sinking before sailing. But just now you said that you ..."
Really?
Kunikida suddenly feels overjoyed! His heart does a tap dance! His brain singsongs a happy song! His ideal ...well, his ideal congrats him. It means that his love bears a fruit! Dazai loves him back. Even Dazai loved him first!
Kunikida pulls Dazai into his embrace. He hugs that fragile beautiful man tightly. He takes a deep breath. He inhales Dazai's scent as many as possible. He loves the man in his embrace.
"I love you, Dazai ..." Kunikida whispers those words.
"Hush, call me Osamu, Doppo-kun."
"Do you ...Osamu?" Kunikida really wants to hear those three words back at him.
"Don't ask. Feel my heart beats, Doppo-kun."
Thump. I.
Thump. LOVE.
Thump. YOU.
He does too. Kunikida cups Dazai's face. He's flushed. Ah, beautiful. Dazai Osamu is a man. But he's beautiful.
"I really love you, Doppo-kun."
But Kunikida Doppo used to hate Dazai Osamu, right? Ah, it doesn't matter anymore. He loves that man. Dazai Osamu is his nemesis of his ideal life, but also his lover now. Somehow, it balances his ideal life. Dazai colours his black-white ideal life up.
The sun sets. It makes Dazai glows. Orange. Yellow. Red. Purple. What a beautiful view. He's beautiful. He's beautiful.
Dazai Osamu is a man, but he's beautiful.
Kunikida Doppo is really sure for it. Dazai Osamu is a man, but ...he's beautiful. He is just too beautiful for Kunikida. Kunikida Doppo loves Dazai Osamu so much.
"I love you so much, Osamu."